Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

tbone_ · July 20

Hope you don’t get a busy signal.

More likely “this line has been disconnected”

nnm · July 20

1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

More likely “this line has been disconnected”

Bingo.

Celery Man · July 20

thunderlounge · July 20

Somebody’s gettin a lecture.

TrashMaster G · July 20

23 hours ago, Sandman said:

My ex would just blurt out declarations: "I sure am thirsty...". I would tell her to go get a drink. Finally I said "If you were to just ask nicely, I'd be happy to get you a drink. Why can't you do that???". As long as I'm not in the middle of something like a chore or an important phone call, I don't mind getting up and getting my wife a drink or a snack. Use your fucking words!

She secretly wishes you would just know she's thirsty and bring her a glass of water before she even mentions the thirst, thus proving that you really love her.

Of course, if that happened she would not be able to resist the feminine instinct to berate you for not knowing she really wanted iced tea.

ROFL BOX · July 21

On 7/18/2024 at 2:01 PM, Guadaloopy said:

Along the lines of not being able to give a straight answer to a simple question is the fact that they can't just ask a simple direct question.

"What is on your schedule for tomorrow?"

🤬

ROFL BOX · July 21

"I sure am thirsty...". I would tell her to go get a drink.

First wife scene, maybe when we were driving somewhere long distance or doing something not on a common schedule:
Me: "Are you hungry?"
Her: "I could eat."
(20 minutes later) Her: "Why didn't you..."

Incredulity · July 21

10 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Are you talking about a divorce or paying movers?

9 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

Yes

Thankfully paying movers

Modessit · July 21

This is another example of what I believe is an innate difference between the sexes (or genders or whatever...).
I can't count the number of times I have asked a female of the species a fairly simple question, which only requires a simple yes or no in answer, and received dozens, if not hundreds, of words in return. These are inevitably in the form of a completely unnecessary explanation, and often do not include the single word I had sought.
In retrospect, it is easier to count the number times when the response actually was that single word, possibly accompanied with something short... "no, thanks" or "yes, why not" or the like. That count is either a single digit or perhaps as high as low double digits.

Budkudzu · July 21

Soul Mate: Go run down to the basement and bring up the step stool.

Me: (sprints to the basement)

Soul Mate: Asshole

BHMCruiser · July 22

On 7/18/2024 at 9:26 AM, Storm the Field said:

Bingo. It's because they are used to communicating through implication/suggestion and bait questions (i. e. asking you about your day b/c they want you in turn to ask about their day so they can tell you about some drama)

You can ask a yes or no question that literally has no "wrong" answer. Something like, "Hey babe, how are we looking on dog food? Do I need to pick up another bag on the way home?"

It becomes a multiple choice question of "what did he REALLY mean by that?" "Is he being passive-aggressive to imply that I should have already picked some up?"

"Does he hate the dogs? Is he mad that I got them? Are they getting too fat? Am I getting too fat? Is he cheating on me? Why is he cheating on me? Is it Julie?"

nnm · July 22

7 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

"Does he hate the dogs? Is he mad that I got them? Are they getting too fat? Am I getting too fat? Is he cheating on me? Why is he cheating on me? Is it Julie?"

This hits close to home. I dated Julie all the way through undergrad. SMU girl. Broke up with her to date and eventually marry Mrs. NNM.

BHMCruiser · July 22

3 minutes ago, nnm said:

This hits close to home. I dated Julie all the way through undergrad. SMU girl. Broke up with her to date and eventually marry Mrs. NNM.

condolences

Elvis · July 23

Longish drive yesterday from a bball tournament. Car is quiet

Priscila: what’s going it’s the campaigns?

I don’t know. Turn the news on

priscila turns on XM yackety tack news on It’s interesting. I’m listening to it.

She proceeds to talk over it about kids bday parties and everything but the news.

I turn it off to listen to her nonsense.

“Why did you turn that off?”

ztejas · July 23

5 minutes ago, Elvis said:

Longish drive yesterday from a bball tournament. Car is quiet

Priscila: what’s going it’s the campaigns?

I don’t know. Turn the news on

priscila turns on XM yackety tack news on It’s interesting. I’m listening to it.

She proceeds to talk over it about kids bday parties and everything but the news.

I turn it off to listen to her nonsense.

“Why did you turn that off?”

This is like some shit I'd do off half a gram of blow and 12 vodkas

Elvis · July 23

She’s pretty skinny. Just sayin

ztejas · July 23

4 minutes ago, Elvis said:

She’s pretty skinny. Just sayin

Yeah I know I've seen naked pictures of her.

Elvis · July 23

Her brains are aging faster than her tits and ass. Is that a good thing?

TrashMaster G · July 23

2 hours ago, Elvis said:

Her brains are aging faster than her tits and ass. Is that a good thing?

So long as the tits and ass stay open for business, it's a compromise you can live with.

Superhero · July 23

Me talking to daughter: The most common name in the world is Muhammad.

Wife: Wow, there must be a lot of Indians.

nnm · July 23

6 hours ago, Superhero said:

Me talking to daughter: The most common name in the world is Muhammad.

Wife: Wow, there must be a lot of Indians.

She’s not wrong.
https://www.coastaldigest.com/muhammad-most-popular-name-among-adults-delhi

wd40 · July 23

12 hours ago, Elvis said:

Longish drive yesterday from a bball tournament. Car is quiet

Priscila: what’s going it’s the campaigns?

I don’t know. Turn the news on

priscila turns on XM yackety tack news on It’s interesting. I’m listening to it.

She proceeds to talk over it about kids bday parties and everything but the news.

I turn it off to listen to her nonsense.

“Why did you turn that off?”

obviously, wives are just better at multi-tasking

Mo Horn · July 23

Had to pick Mrs Mo up from the airport this morning. Cell lot is 5 minutes away from arrivals. Her gate is 5 minutes away from the curb. I tell her, let me know when you get off the plane. I get a text message, I'm here, so I leave the lot. Guess who had to circle 3 times because she texted me when they pulled up to the gate instead.

Beau Vine · July 23

3 hours ago, Mo Horn said:

Had to pick Mrs Mo up from the airport this morning. Cell lot is 5 minutes away from arrivals. Her gate is 5 minutes away from the curb. I tell her, let me know when you get off the plane. I get a text message, I'm here, so I leave the lot. Guess who had to circle 3 times because she texted me when they pulled up to the gate instead.

EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

The last time I actually planned to arrive 20 minutes later than I expected her to be ready, and I still circled/sat and waited 10 minutes for her.

rage-a-holic · July 23

3 hours ago, Mo Horn said:

Had to pick Mrs Mo up from the airport this morning. Cell lot is 5 minutes away from arrivals. Her gate is 5 minutes away from the curb. I tell her, let me know when you get off the plane. I get a text message, I'm here, so I leave the lot. Guess who had to circle 3 times because she texted me when they pulled up to the gate instead.

Me: Text me when your plane lands, then text when you are outside at one of the pickup pillars

Her: I think the plane is maybe gonna land in like 25 minutes

Me: Just text me

45 minutes later:

Her: I'm outside at pillar H

Me: WTF? You were supposed to txt me when you landed! I've been sitting at home waiting for you to txt me that you landed

Her: I said it would be like 25 minutes

Me: That's not how "text me when your plane lands" works

Ojo Rojo · July 23

Well, the move is officially completed. Cleared the last bits out of the old house yesterday evening. Something notable happened:

My wife kept telling me that the cable company needed us to take our existing modem to the new house for installation. I wondered why she kept telling me this. Finally, we're down to the very last things to take and she said it again. So I asked her, "Are you wanting me to go get it for you?" (I was busy moving heavier, outdoor-type shit.) She replied, "Will you just come upstairs with me where it is?" The lightbulb went off. "Do you not know what the modem is?" She didn't answer. So we go upstairs to the closet where the hub is. I immediately grabbed the modem, which said "Xfinity" on it (we have Xfinity as our provider). I unscrewed the cable and handed it to her. The other choices of objects that could have been the modem (she obviously was unsure which of these items was the modem) were an AT&T modem that was not plugged in to anything and that had been left over from the previous owner and had been sitting on the shelf in the closet for seven years. And this:

thunderlounge · July 23

4 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

we have Xfinity as our provider

You have my deepest sympathies.

rage-a-holic · July 23

11 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Well, the move is officially completed. Cleared the last bits out of the old house yesterday evening. Something notable happened:

My wife kept telling me that the cable company needed us to take our existing modem to the new house for installation. I wondered why she kept telling me this. Finally, we're down to the very last things to take and she said it again. So I asked her, "Are you wanting me to go get it for you?" (I was busy moving heavier, outdoor-type shit.) She replied, "Will you just come upstairs with me where it is?" The lightbulb went off. "Do you not know what the modem is?" She didn't answer. So we go upstairs to the closet where the hub is. I immediately grabbed the modem, which said "Xfinity" on it (we have Xfinity as our provider). I unscrewed the cable and handed it to her. The other choices of objects that could have been the modem (she obviously was unsure which of these items was the modem) were an AT&T modem that was not plugged in to anything and that had been left over from the previous owner and had been sitting on the shelf in the closet for seven years. And this:

that's a fax machine, duh

Superhero · July 23

10 hours ago, nnm said:

She’s not wrong.
https://www.coastaldigest.com/muhammad-most-popular-name-among-adults-delhi

Islamabad or Lahore maybe.

But Delhi? I thought the Hindus exiled them all to Pakistan and Bangladesh.

thunderlounge · July 23

Biff Tannen · July 24

22 hours ago, Superhero said:

Me talking to daughter: The most common name in the world is Muhammad.

Wife: Wow, there must be a lot of Indians.

It was between that and McLovin

Modessit · July 24

Had to pick Mrs Mo up from the airport this morning. Cell lot is 5 minutes away from arrivals. Her gate is 5 minutes away from the curb. I tell her, let me know when you get off the plane. I get a text message, I'm here, so I leave the lot. Guess who had to circle 3 times because she texted me when they pulled up to the gate instead.

It's the opposite for me. I tell them to text when they get off the plane so I can be there when they walk out and I get a call when they're at the curb.

uoftorange · July 24

10 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

It was between that and McLovin

Read a fucking book for once!

Edited July 24 by uoftorange

TrashMaster G · July 24

10 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

It was between that and McLovin

thunderlounge · July 24

11 hours ago, Modessit said:

It's the opposite for me. I tell them to text when they get off the plane so I can be there when they walk out and I get a call when they're at the curb.

At least that’s them waiting, and not you.

Superhero · July 24

6 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

At least that’s them waiting, and not you.

Yeah. But it’s still your fault.

thunderlounge · July 25

2 hours ago, Superhero said:

Yeah. But it’s still your fault.

Oh, of course.

Nivek · July 25

On 7/19/2024 at 5:59 PM, Sandman said:

My ex would just blurt out declarations: "I sure am thirsty...". I would tell her to go get a drink. Finally I said "If you were to just ask nicely, I'd be happy to get you a drink. Why can't you do that???". As long as I'm not in the middle of something like a chore or an important phone call, I don't mind getting up and getting my wife a drink or a snack. Use your fucking words!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBHZKoKYbU&ab_channel=Movieclips

Tex Long · July 25

15 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

Oh, of course.

"I can't ask you to do anything. I'm embarrassed, and you get mad if I ask..."

First, I can't do anything about your embarrassment. Second, I never get mad at you for asking... I get mad when you won't shut up and let me do whatever it is you need. I'll be happy to cut you a slice of watermelon, and I don't need to be told which knife to use or hear why you want watermelon or the story about Aunt Edna choking on a seed and winding up in the ER. Shut the fuck up, and I'll be right back with your watermelon.

AUS-97HORN · July 26

9 hours ago, Tex Long said:

"I can't ask you to do anything. I'm embarrassed, and you get mad if I ask..."

First, I can't do anything about your embarrassment. Second, I never get mad at you for asking... I get mad when you won't shut up and let me do whatever it is you need. I'll be happy to cut you a slice of watermelon, and I don't need to be told which knife to use or hear why you want watermelon or the story about Aunt Edna choking on a seed and winding up in the ER. Shut the fuck up, and I'll be right back with your watermelon.

and Tex Long went ahead and signed a lease for the use of his couch at night for the next 6 months

Jerry Callo · July 26

9 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

and Tex Long went ahead and signed a lease for the use of his couch at night for the next 6 months

Those were all the things Tex Long was thinking, not actually saying.

Ojo Rojo · July 26

Every day for us right now my wife and I have to coordinate who takes what kid to which camp, who picks them up, what we're doing with the dog that day, etc. Yesterday she was able to take all three kids to camp in the morning because she had the day off. I didn't have anything on the calendar at work until an 11:30 meeting so I decided to chill at home for the morning. We just moved and we have boxes of shit all over the house so I have a ton of shit to do. I unpacked a few boxes, organized a few things then ate breakfast, made a cup of coffee and laid down on the couch to read the news on my phone. My wife came home around 10 and saw me on the couch. She got all pissed off and said, "I took all of the kids to camp this morning so you could just go into work without worrying about anything. I wish you would have told me you weren't going to the office this morning." I just looked at her and didn't say a word, went upstairs to take a shower and get ready to go into the office for my meeting. Later, she texted me that she was sorry she got angry, but the reason she did is that she had a boyfriend one time who was a lazy piece of shit and she worked her ass off and would come home to him laying on the couch all the time. I own and run my own business, work an average of 55 hours a week and have an income at or near the top 5% in the U.S.

TrashMaster G · July 26

18 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Every day for us right now my wife and I have to coordinate who takes what kid to which camp, who picks them up, what we're doing with the dog that day, etc. Yesterday she was able to take all three kids to camp in the morning because she had the day off. I didn't have anything on the calendar at work until an 11:30 meeting so I decided to chill at home for the morning. We just moved and we have boxes of shit all over the house so I have a ton of shit to do. I unpacked a few boxes, organized a few things then ate breakfast, made a cup of coffee and laid down on the couch to read the news on my phone. My wife came home around 10 and saw me on the couch. She got all pissed off and said, "I took all of the kids to camp this morning so you could just go into work without worrying about anything. I wish you would have told me you weren't going to the office this morning." I just looked at her and didn't say a word, went upstairs to take a shower and get ready to go into the office for my meeting. Later, she texted me that she was sorry she got angry, but the reason she did is that she had a boyfriend one time who was a lazy piece of shit and she worked her ass off and would come home to him laying on the couch all the time. I own and run my own business, work an average of 55 hours a week and have an income at or near the top 5% in the U.S.

And you've been together how long? vs how long was she with the bf?

Holy crap.

Tex Long · July 26

4 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

And you've been together how long? vs how long was she with the bf?

Holy crap.

Often a Bad Idea™ to use the term "boyfriend" in the same sentence with "how long".

Phrasing.

huge · July 26

Also top 1% or GTFO.

It is known.

Jameslaw121 · July 26

@Knoxtnhorn

My daughter (5 yo) came into the living room last night crying. Went to mom and said "I tripped over my Barbie car and hurt my knee" After she left

Me : "She's going to grow up just like you."

Wife " Why? Because, I'm clumsy?"

Me "No, because she's five and has already wrecked a car!"

....tone....

Knoxtnhorn · July 26

Lol.

Ojo Rojo · July 26

5 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

And you've been together how long? vs how long was she with the bf?

Holy crap.

I don't know how long she was with this particular boyfriend. He was a bouncer at Stubb's and worked nights so it's not even necessarily true that he was a lazy piece of shit just because he was laying on the couch at 5 p.m. She and I have been together for 18 years, married for 15.

TrashMaster G · July 26

45 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

@Knoxtnhorn

My daughter (5 yo) came into the living room last night crying. Went to mom and said "I tripped over my Barbie car and hurt my knee" After she left

Me : "She's going to grow up just like you."

Wife " Why? Because, I'm clumsy?"

Me "No, because she's five and has already wrecked a car!"

....tone....

How was the couch last night?

Sam Lin · July 26

47 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

@Knoxtnhorn

My daughter (5 yo) came into the living room last night crying. Went to mom and said "I tripped over my Barbie car and hurt my knee" After she left

Me : "She's going to grow up just like you."

Wife " Why? Because, I'm clumsy?"

Me "No, because she's five and has already wrecked a car!"

....tone....

This is not a smart man.

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