Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Snake Diggity 4625]

20 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

My wife has a fairly rigid work schedule and she told me that for the fall semester, after school ballet started earlier one day of the week.  She asked if I could switch up my work from home schedule since she wouldn’t be able to meet the bus and get to the studio from work, and of course I said yes.  When I asked her whether I needed to move to Mondays or Thursdays she huffily told me to look at the shared family Google calendar because she couldn’t keep it all memorized.
 

I did, and negotiated a Monday home day (the team requires in-office coverage all days).  Tonight she starts looking at the paper schedule and PANIK: data entry error, Thursday is the real early start date and class starts this week. Now I have to try and renegotiate this shit with colleagues and bosses, and she is big mad at me for failing to cross-reference her calendar with the paper schedule (which was inside her purse, although she says she’d have given it to me if I asked about it). 

I’m not sure how my wife is juggling 2 families but I’m certain we married the same person.

[idigTexas 2289]

13 hours ago, Snake Diggity said:

I’m not sure how my wife is juggling 2 families but I’m certain we married the same person.

I could have told you both to not marry my ex-wife, but where would be the fun in that?  

[BHMCruiser 1814]

On 9/7/2024 at 8:32 PM, 956 Worldwide said:

My wife has a fairly rigid work schedule and she told me that for the fall semester, after school ballet started earlier one day of the week.  She asked if I could switch up my work from home schedule since she wouldn’t be able to meet the bus and get to the studio from work, and of course I said yes.  When I asked her whether I needed to move to Mondays or Thursdays she huffily told me to look at the shared family Google calendar because she couldn’t keep it all memorized.
 

I did, and negotiated a Monday home day (the team requires in-office coverage all days).  Tonight she starts looking at the paper schedule and PANIK: data entry error, Thursday is the real early start date and class starts this week. Now I have to try and renegotiate this shit with colleagues and bosses, and she is big mad at me for failing to cross-reference her calendar with the paper schedule (which was inside her purse, although she says she’d have given it to me if I asked about it). 

fuck this shit

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

 

Why does every text, no matter how innocuous, unimportant, random, or irrelevant to my, my wife's, or my daughter's daily existence require a response?

 

 

[Kennythetiger 9389]

4 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Why does every text, no matter how innocuous, unimportant, random, or irrelevant to my, my wife's, or my daughter's daily existence require a response?

 

 

Could be worse. Could be a phone call. 

[Brisketexan 105154]

17 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Why does every text, no matter how innocuous, unimportant, random, or irrelevant to my, my wife's, or my daughter's daily existence require a response?

 

 

Tell her she's much more likely to get a response to one of her texts if it also includes a pic of her tits.

Either she gets mad at you and stops texting, or she starts sending you tit pics.  Win-win.

[Ten Bears 2481]

The daughter?

[tbone_ 14128]

The daughter?

Well how old is she?

[thunderlounge 7866]

We’re not here to judge, just benefit. 

[Sam Lin 3559]

And judge.

[Bevo&Pevo 5205]

10 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

We’re not here to judge, just benefit. 

 

8 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

And judge.

..and profit?

[Mitch Cumsteen 18550]

Son is freshman in college living in the dorms. Mom wanted to send him a care package. Very nice of her, right? He told her to just send him some protein bars so she Amazon'd some to him. He just sent me this picture with the only comment: "Dude."

Poor kid had to walk to the mail center in the student union (~20 minutes) to pick this shit up and haul it back. Thanks, mom!

[Not a cat 5660]

33 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

 

Poor kid had to walk to the mail center in the student union (~20 minutes) to pick this shit up and haul it back. Thanks, mom!

And that kind of workout is exactly why he needs 500 protein bars.

[tbone_ 14128]

Outstanding

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

41 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Son is freshman in college living in the dorms. Mom wanted to send him a care package. Very nice of her, right? He told her to just send him some protein bars so she Amazon'd some to him. He just sent me this picture with the only comment: "Dude."

Poor kid had to walk to the mail center in the student union (~20 minutes) to pick this shit up and haul it back. Thanks, mom!

Now she needs to send him something to wash them down with

[ABSR 5315]

1 hour ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Son is freshman in college living in the dorms. Mom wanted to send him a care package. Very nice of her, right? He told her to just send him some protein bars so she Amazon'd some to him. He just sent me this picture with the only comment: "Dude."

Poor kid had to walk to the mail center in the student union (~20 minutes) to pick this shit up and haul it back. Thanks, mom!

Needs more crab.

[Beau Vine 54253]

"That South Alabama coach looks kind of like Major Applewhite."

 

"That's actually his younger brother, Minor Applewhite."

Edited September 20 by Beau Vine

[blacklab 11941]

Wife is boiling some chicken. 
Wife: How long it should cook
Me: 20 minutes or when the chicken hits 145.
Wife: shit! And runs to the kitchen. 
Me: how long has it been cooking?
Wife: 1 hour. It’s at 190 is it ok to pull off?

[ztejas 43473]

9 minutes ago, blacklab said:

Wife is boiling some chicken. 
Wife: How long it should cook
Me: 20 minutes or when the chicken hits 145.
Wife: shit! And runs to the kitchen. 
Me: how long has it been cooking?
Wife: 1 hour. It’s at 190 is it ok to pull off?

[luke duke 6413]

Son is freshman in college living in the dorms. Mom wanted to send him a care package. Very nice of her, right? He told her to just send him some protein bars so she Amazon'd some to him. He just sent me this picture with the only comment: "Dude."

Poor kid had to walk to the mail center in the student union (~20 minutes) to pick this shit up and haul it back. Thanks, mom!

[Superhero 8830]

We’re about to start renovations and getting materials delivered to the house.

Me: Are you gonna be home around noon? They’re delivering the cabinets today.

Her: Put them in the garage?

Me: No, just have them leave it on the grass outside.

* tone *

[ChickenSandwich 9843]

Or inside?

[WhatTheBuck 28788]

On 9/19/2024 at 4:36 PM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Son is freshman in college living in the dorms. Mom wanted to send him a care package. Very nice of her, right? He told her to just send him some protein bars so she Amazon'd some to him. He just sent me this picture with the only comment: "Dude."

Poor kid had to walk to the mail center in the student union (~20 minutes) to pick this shit up and haul it back. Thanks, mom!

Those will be good for barter. 

[ztejas 43473]

15 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Those will be good for barter. 

Not unless they have weed in them. 

[Modessit 5603]

My wife is 45 and an elementary school teacher.

While driving today:

Wife: I wonder how much they get paid.

Me: Who?

Wife: The people who fly those jets that make the clouds.

Me: Airline pilots?

Wife: No the ones that fly the jets.

Me: You mean like Southwest Airlines.

Wife: No, the jets.

Me: Commercial airlines ARE jets. They have jet engines.

Wife: I thought they were airplanes.

Me: They're all airplanes. If they have jet engines, they are jets. If they have propellers, then they are Prop planes.

Wife: Anyway, I'm talking about those jets that fly way up in the sky and make those cloud lines.

Me: Those are called contrails. And commercial airlines routinely fly that high.

Wife: I figured it was just a Navy jet or something making the clouds.

Me: Wait, you think that there is a Navy pilot who's only job is to fly around and make clouds in the sky when there aren't any?

Wife: Yeah.

Me: Guess what I'm posting on my football forum?

Wife: Wait... NO! NO!

[thunderlounge 7866]

And we still wonder why today’s kids are the way they are? 😂

[AUS-97HORN 11808]

jesus.... she must suck the chrome off a trailor hitch every fucking night. 

[Sandman 3403]

1 hour ago, AUS-97HORN said:

jesus.... she must suck the chrome off a trailor hitch every fucking night. 

Ehh, she's alright.

[NorthLoop 14215]

7 hours ago, Modessit said:

My wife is 45 and an elementary school teacher.

While driving today:

Wife: I wonder how much they get paid.

Me: Who?

Wife: The people who fly those jets that make the clouds.

Me: Airline pilots?

Wife: No the ones that fly the jets.

Me: You mean like Southwest Airlines.

Wife: No, the jets.

Me: Commercial airlines ARE jets. They have jet engines.

Wife: I thought they were airplanes.

Me: They're all airplanes. If they have jet engines, they are jets. If they have propellers, then they are Prop planes.

Wife: Anyway, I'm talking about those jets that fly way up in the sky and make those cloud lines.

Me: Those are called contrails. And commercial airlines routinely fly that high.

Wife: I figured it was just a Navy jet or something making the clouds.

Me: Wait, you think that there is a Navy pilot who's only job is to fly around and make clouds in the sky when there aren't any?

Wife: Yeah.

Me: Guess what I'm posting on my football forum?

Wife: Wait... NO! NO!
 

Well shit I guess I need to look into homeschooling now. 

[ABSR 5315]

9 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Well shit I guess I need to look into homeschooling now. 

That way the best case scenarios is your kids are as smart as your wife in regards to math, science, history,  English, logic, reasoning etc, while having stunted social skills.   

[Superhero 8830]

2 hours ago, ABSR said:

That way the best case scenarios is your kids are as smart as your wife in regards to math, science, history,  English, logic, reasoning etc, while having stunted social skills.   

Or having the same personality traits as your wife. 

[thunderlounge 7866]

Not sure I’d let my wife home school a cockroach, let alone a human child. 

[nnm 36434]

12 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Well shit I guess I need to look into homeschooling now. 

[ztejas 43473]

Figured this was a good place for this. Someone posted a meme about their daughter making brownies and goofing a measurement. Not sure how old the "daughter" is but it's an honest enough mistake for a kid learning to cook and kind of humorous. (She added 1 and 1/3 cup instead of 1/3)

Here's where it gets good: comments from GROWN ASS WOMEN in the comment section.

[SHOOTER12 8810]

On 9/19/2024 at 8:18 PM, ztejas said:

Well played 

[52-80 19162]

the real problem here is units of cups and fractions instead of using metric and decimals.

[BurntEyes 6001]

7 hours ago, 52-80 said:

the real problem here is units of cups and fractions instead of using metric and decimals.

In fairness to stupid wives, that would sadly also confuse the hell out of most men.

[BrazilHorn 6612]

9 hours ago, 52-80 said:

the real problem here is units of cups and fractions instead of using metric and decimals.

It is a running joke in our house when it comes to my wife (no pics) having to double a recipe. Something has 2/3 a cup that has to be doubled is like quantum physics apparently. 

 

[tbone_ 14128]

It is a running joke in our house when it comes to my wife (no pics) having to double a recipe. Something has 2/3 a cup that has to be doubled is like quantum physics apparently. 

 

Is it too hard to just do 2/3 cup twice?

[BrazilHorn 6612]

Just now, tbone_ said:

Is it too hard to just do 2/3 cup twice?

Now you are talking crazy. Much easier to ask

me for the 10,000th time. 

[52-80 19162]

24 minutes ago, BrazilHorn said:

It is a running joke in our house when it comes to my wife (no pics) having to double a recipe. Something has 2/3 a cup that has to be doubled is like quantum physics apparently. 

 

Tell her the math is easy, you just multiply both numbers by 2 so she needs 4/6 at the end. 

[Wiler77 1566]

On 9/21/2024 at 3:13 PM, Modessit said:

My wife is 45 and an elementary school teacher.

While driving today:

Wife: I wonder how much they get paid.

Me: Who?

Wife: The people who fly those jets that make the clouds.

Me: Airline pilots?

Wife: No the ones that fly the jets.

Me: You mean like Southwest Airlines.

Wife: No, the jets.

Me: Commercial airlines ARE jets. They have jet engines.

Wife: I thought they were airplanes.

Me: They're all airplanes. If they have jet engines, they are jets. If they have propellers, then they are Prop planes.

Wife: Anyway, I'm talking about those jets that fly way up in the sky and make those cloud lines.

Me: Those are called contrails. And commercial airlines routinely fly that high.

Wife: I figured it was just a Navy jet or something making the clouds.

Me: Wait, you think that there is a Navy pilot who's only job is to fly around and make clouds in the sky when there aren't any?

Wife: Yeah.

Me: Guess what I'm posting on my football forum?

Wife: Wait... NO! NO!
 

I hope she's a good cook,because being hot as balls isn't enough. 

[Jerry Callo 8704]

3 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

In fairness to stupid wives, that would sadly also confuse the hell out of most men.

Only if the top 1/3 line was the only line on the measuring cup.

[tbone_ 14128]

She goes to drive oldest daughter’s car around the neighborhood late last evening to make sure everything is ok with it. Because it’s been sitting because she doesn’t drive it so we’re going to sell it. There’s a guy coming to look at it at 9a.

This morning I take it to the car wash last minute before the guy comes. The low tire pressure light is on.

Text:

Me: hey was the low tire pressure light on last night?

Her: Not that I noticed but yea probably.

[McCroskey 1504]

Wife just asked me if I was drunk and I said no, I'm just tired from watching football and drinking all day.

Jeez.

[Tex Long 4401]

14 hours ago, McCroskey said:

Wife just asked me if I was drunk and I said no, I'm just tired from watching football and drinking all day.

Jeez.

WRONG. There are only two correct answers to her question:

1) "Huhhhh?"

2) "Did you say 'blowjob'?"

[Upgrayedd 5814]

On 9/24/2024 at 1:27 AM, 52-80 said:

the real problem here is units of cups and fractions instead of using metric and decimals.

Or by weight for dry ingredients 

[nnm 36434]

 

[TrashMaster G 17560]

On 9/27/2024 at 10:17 AM, tbone_ said:

She goes to drive oldest daughter’s car around the neighborhood late last evening to make sure everything is ok with it. Because it’s been sitting because she doesn’t drive it so we’re going to sell it. There’s a guy coming to look at it at 9a.

This morning I take it to the car wash last minute before the guy comes. The low tire pressure light is on.

Text:

Me: hey was the low tire pressure light on last night?

Her: Not that I noticed but yea probably.

Translation: Yes, but I figured you could take care of it.

[tbone_ 14128]

Translation: Yes, but I figured you could take care of it.

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