Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Jerry Callo · October 1

Watching the news last night . . . should have seen the look when she heard the reporter mention the Toothy Rebels.

ABSR · October 1

On 9/29/2024 at 6:29 PM, nnm said:

What did Gary do? Make a good decision.

Jerry Callo · October 1

4 hours ago, ABSR said:

What did Gary do? Make a good decision.

Likely after making a bad decision.

Budkudzu · October 1

On 9/21/2024 at 3:13 PM, Modessit said:

My wife is 45 and an elementary school teacher.

While driving today:

Wife: I wonder how much they get paid.

Me: Who?

Wife: The people who fly those jets that make the clouds.

Me: Airline pilots?

Wife: No the ones that fly the jets.

Me: You mean like Southwest Airlines.

Wife: No, the jets.

Me: Commercial airlines ARE jets. They have jet engines.

Wife: I thought they were airplanes.

Me: They're all airplanes. If they have jet engines, they are jets. If they have propellers, then they are Prop planes.

Wife: Anyway, I'm talking about those jets that fly way up in the sky and make those cloud lines.

Me: Those are called contrails. And commercial airlines routinely fly that high.

Wife: I figured it was just a Navy jet or something making the clouds.

Me: Wait, you think that there is a Navy pilot who's only job is to fly around and make clouds in the sky when there aren't any?

Wife: Yeah.

Me: Guess what I'm posting on my football forum?

Wife: Wait... NO! NO!

Soulmate: Look at that plane up there! Where do you think it's going?

Me: To an airport.

Soulmate: Asshole.

ztejas · October 1

19 minutes ago, Budkudzu said:

Soulmate: Look at that plane up there! Where do you think it's going?

Me: To an airport.

Soulmate: Asshole.

Not always true. Sometimes it's the Pentagon. Or the Indian ocean.

tbone_ · October 2

Not always true. Sometimes it's the Pentagon. Or the Indian ocean.

Booooooo

sidis · October 2

On 9/19/2024 at 3:36 PM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Son is freshman in college living in the dorms. Mom wanted to send him a care package. Very nice of her, right? He told her to just send him some protein bars so she Amazon'd some to him. He just sent me this picture with the only comment: "Dude."

Poor kid had to walk to the mail center in the student union (~20 minutes) to pick this shit up and haul it back. Thanks, mom!

if your son has any awareness of his mother, he should know that this was the best possible outcome of her sending him anything.

thunderlounge · October 2

23 hours ago, ztejas said:

Not always true. Sometimes it's the Pentagon. Or the Indian ocean.

ABSR · October 3

On 10/1/2024 at 4:20 PM, ztejas said:

Not always true. Sometimes it's the Pentagon. Or the Indian ocean.

It's nice to encounter another asshole with my sense of humor.

Mittens · October 4

BHMCruiser · October 4

This morning, in an accusatory tone, out of completely fucking nowhere: "are you usually buying organic?"

Me, totally perplexed: "what?"

"When you go to the store are you usually buying organic?"

"Yes, I know you like organic fruit so that's what I buy. Why are you asking?"

"The grapes were not organic."

"Then why didn't you just ask me why I bought non-organic grapes? The organic grapes looked crappy."

"Because I didn't want to ask about the grapes. I wanted to ask about everything. The fruit lasted all week and looked good and I wanted to know if it was organic. I wasn't attacking you. Why do you get so defensive?"

What I thought: "I could, right now, probably write down 25 different ways to ask that question about organic fruit that made sense and were not judgmental, but that would be a total waste of time because your brain is completely screwed up."

What I said: "I have no idea. I'm going to go brush my teeth."

rage-a-holic · October 4

51 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

This morning, in an accusatory tone, out of completely fucking nowhere: "are you usually buying organic?"

Me, totally perplexed: "what?"

"When you go to the store are you usually buying organic?"

"Yes, I know you like organic fruit so that's what I buy. Why are you asking?"

"The grapes were not organic."

"Then why didn't you just ask me why I bought non-organic grapes? The organic grapes looked crappy."

"Because I didn't want to ask about the grapes. I wanted to ask about everything. The fruit lasted all week and looked good and I wanted to know if it was organic. I wasn't attacking you. Why do you get so defensive?"

What I thought: "I could, right now, probably write down 25 different ways to ask that question about organic fruit that made sense and were not judgmental, but that would be a total waste of time because your brain is completely screwed up."

What I said: "I have no idea. I'm going to go brush my teeth."

Why not just let her buy her own fruit? I stopped after multiple complaints about my fruit selection skillz.

BHMCruiser · October 4

1 minute ago, rage-a-holic said:

Why not just let her buy her own fruit? I stopped after multiple complaints about my fruit selection skillz.

Because we have kids and they need to eat too

NeverMarryAStripper · October 4

They don't have to eat organic grapes

BHMCruiser · October 4

1 minute ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

They don't have to eat organic grapes

Yes because we do not have any of those

thunderlounge · October 4

So your wife falls for the old “organic” label, huh?

Best of luck.

ztejas · October 4

Tex Long · October 4

3 hours ago, rage-a-holic said:

Why not just let her buy her own fruit? I stopped after multiple complaints about my fruit selection skillz.

Best learned as early as possible, but it's never Too Late to start.

"Sure, honey. Tell you what: I'll just buy [WHATEVER] for myself, and you buy [WHATEVER] that you like."

luke duke · October 4

We have 2 kids at the same school. They almost always ride the bus home.
Wife - I’m going to pick up daughter and friend from school. I need you to pick up son from bus stop.
Me - Where are you taking them?
Wife - I’m bringing them back here.
Me -
Me - Why don’t you just pick everyone up and bring them here?
Wife -
Wife - I didn’t think of that.
Me -

msucolt45 · October 4

Logistics never enter their minds.

Hook’em!!!

rage-a-holic · October 5

2 hours ago, luke duke said:

We have 2 kids at the same school. They almost always ride the bus home.
Wife - I’m going to pick up daughter and friend from school. I need you to pick up son from bus stop.

Is he unable to get on the bus without his sister?

ztejas · October 5

7 minutes ago, rage-a-holic said:

Is he unable to get on the bus without his sister?

Guessing they wait at the bus drop-off because it's a decent hike and kid is a little young to be walking alone.

Dnaguy · October 5

9 hours ago, Mittens said:

Superhero · October 5

Me still awake in our office area that’s just outside of bedroom.

She went to bed first and leaves the door open, then asks if I can dim the lights because it’s too bright.

Now I’m in bed on my phone scrolling silently the dark, screen brightness all the way down. She just asked if I can turn off the phone because the light is somehow penetrating her eyelids and she can’t fall asleep.

ABSR · October 5

21 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

This morning, in an accusatory tone, out of completely fucking nowhere: "are you usually buying organic?"

Me, totally perplexed: "what?"

"When you go to the store are you usually buying organic?"

"Yes, I know you like organic fruit so that's what I buy. Why are you asking?"

"The grapes were not organic."

"Then why didn't you just ask me why I bought non-organic grapes? The organic grapes looked crappy."

"Because I didn't want to ask about the grapes. I wanted to ask about everything. The fruit lasted all week and looked good and I wanted to know if it was organic. I wasn't attacking you. Why do you get so defensive?"

What I thought: "I could, right now, probably write down 25 different ways to ask that question about organic fruit that made sense and were not judgmental, but that would be a total waste of time because your brain is completely screwed up."

What I said: "I have no idea. I'm going to go brush my teeth."

I hope this indicates an impending visit from Aunt Flow. If not, good luck.

Dnaguy · October 5

[Wife and I standing in the hallway trying to get kids to bed]
Wife: Can you turn out the lights?
Me: Did you forget where the switch is?

Wife: (angrily) Why don’t you just do it?

Me: Why would I do it when you’re the one who thought it up, and want the light turned off? Why add the step in this process to ask me to do it?

Wife: You’re closer to the switch.

Me: We are literally standing shoulder to shoulder in the hall equidistant from the switch.
Wife: {angry face while going to turn off light) [indistinguishable muttering]

nnm · October 5

5 hours ago, Superhero said:

Me still awake in our office area that’s just outside of bedroom.

She went to bed first and leaves the door open, then asks if I can dim the lights because it’s too bright.

Now I’m in bed on my phone scrolling silently the dark, screen brightness all the way down. She just asked if I can turn off the phone because the light is somehow penetrating her eyelids and she can’t fall asleep.

34 minutes ago, Dnaguy said:

[Wife and I standing in the hallway trying to get kids to bed]
Wife: Can you turn out the lights?
Me: Did you forget where the switch is?

Wife: (angrily) Why don’t you just do it?

Me: Why would I do it when you’re the one who thought it up, and want the light turned off? Why add the step in this process to ask me to do it?

Wife: You’re closer to the switch.

Me: We are literally standing shoulder to shoulder in the hall equidistant from the switch.
Wife: {angry face while going to turn off light) [indistinguishable muttering]

Dnaguy · October 5

2 hours ago, nnm said:

Mo Horn · October 5

5 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

[Wife and I standing in the hallway trying to get kids to bed]
Wife: Can you turn out the lights?
Me: Did you forget where the switch is?

Wife: (angrily) Why don’t you just do it?

Me: Why would I do it when you’re the one who thought it up, and want the light turned off? Why add the step in this process to ask me to do it?

Wife: You’re closer to the switch.

Me: We are literally standing shoulder to shoulder in the hall equidistant from the switch.
Wife: {angry face while going to turn off light) [indistinguishable muttering]

Pick your battles man. Unless you just wanted to make a stand for some reason, just turn off the damn light.

Frank The Tank · October 6

16 hours ago, Mo Horn said:

Pick your battles man. Unless you just wanted to make a stand for some reason, just turn off the damn light.

Sounds like he picked this one.

Clackles · October 6

As the breadwinner of the family, I was exhausted and just wanted to hit the sack. Despite the large house I contribute significantly to providing for my family, my lovely spouse felt it imperative to use the space immediately adjacent to our bedroom for their nocturnal existence.

When I asked for consideration with the light, my spouse responded by moving even closer to me to continue their brightly illuminated nocturnal activities.

But I’m sure my spouse was doing something productive for the family, not just fucking around on that surly website.

Modessit · October 6

Me still awake in our office area that’s just outside of bedroom.
She went to bed first and leaves the door open, then asks if I can dim the lights because it’s too bright.

Now I’m in bed on my phone scrolling silently the dark, screen brightness all the way down. She just asked if I can turn off the phone because the light is somehow penetrating her eyelids and she can’t fall asleep.

My wife will leave the bathroom light on, or a lamp, if she goes to bed by herself. Says it's a comfort thing until I come to bed. Sleeps just fine.

But if I'm in bed with her and look at something on my phone, she complains that the light from the screen is keeping her awake.

NeverMarryAStripper · October 6

If I want to watch tv in bed, I have to use earphones. If I don’t, my dog gives me the stink eye until I do.

Kwix · October 7

On 10/5/2024 at 9:08 AM, Dnaguy said:

[Wife and I standing in the hallway trying to get kids to bed]
Wife: Can you turn out the lights?
Me: Did you forget where the switch is?

Wife: (angrily) Why don’t you just do it?

Me: Why would I do it when you’re the one who thought it up, and want the light turned off? Why add the step in this process to ask me to do it?

Wife: You’re closer to the switch.

Me: We are literally standing shoulder to shoulder in the hall equidistant from the switch.
Wife: {angry face while going to turn off light) [indistinguishable muttering]

Used to have a similar situation happen all the time. I would get in bed while my wife was still in the bathroom doing the usual 30 minute face washing routine. She comes out of the bathroom, walks past the light switch, gets in to bed, then asks me to turn off the light. The switch is on her side of the bed.

After about the third time of her getting pissed at me for not getting out of bed to turn off the lights I just bought a wifi light switch so I could turn it off from my phone.

MissingInAction · October 7

Reading this thread helps me understand why I'm single despite my incredible looks and horse cock.

I'm incapable of putting up with any of that bullshit.

PvilleStang · October 7

Which drawer do you keep the horse cock in?

Tex Long · October 7

6 minutes ago, PvilleStang said:

Which drawer do you keep the horse cock in?

And the box of D-cells...

ztejas · October 7

40 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

Reading this thread helps me understand why I'm single despite my incredible looks and horse cock.

I'm incapable of putting up with any of that bullshit.

Luna good about not leaving lights on I take it.

MissingInAction · October 7

17 minutes ago, PvilleStang said:

Which drawer do you keep the horse cock in?

Ask your mom.

PvilleStang · October 7

2 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

Ask your mom.

SquishMitten · October 7

On 10/4/2024 at 10:39 AM, BHMCruiser said:

This morning, in an accusatory tone, out of completely fucking nowhere: "are you usually buying organic?"

Me, totally perplexed: "what?"

"When you go to the store are you usually buying organic?"

"Yes, I know you like organic fruit so that's what I buy. Why are you asking?"

"The grapes were not organic."

"Then why didn't you just ask me why I bought non-organic grapes? The organic grapes looked crappy."

"Because I didn't want to ask about the grapes. I wanted to ask about everything. The fruit lasted all week and looked good and I wanted to know if it was organic. I wasn't attacking you. Why do you get so defensive?"

What I thought: "I could, right now, probably write down 25 different ways to ask that question about organic fruit that made sense and were not judgmental, but that would be a total waste of time because your brain is completely screwed up."

What I said: "I have no idea. I'm going to go brush my teeth."

Online grocery order has easily been the best part of the pandemic. I let her add all the organic shit to the order, then when I do my final review before submitting, I switch ALL of it to the regular version. Saves $50+ per week, and she thinks everything is organic. Win-win.

Also, the real mistake you made here was not just saying "yeah, of course I bought organic grapes."

High Plains Drifter · October 7

On 10/5/2024 at 3:55 AM, Superhero said:

Me still awake in our office area that’s just outside of bedroom.

She went to bed first and leaves the door open, then asks if I can dim the lights because it’s too bright.

Now I’m in bed on my phone scrolling silently the dark, screen brightness all the way down. She just asked if I can turn off the phone because the light is somehow penetrating her eyelids and she can’t fall asleep.

team wife on this one. Turn off the fucking phone in bed. Or get up and go lay on the couch.

Sorry bro.

High Plains Drifter · October 7

On 10/6/2024 at 8:40 AM, Modessit said:

But if I'm in bed with her and look at something on my phone, she complains that the light from the screen is keeping her awake.

You too.

Pokoloco · October 7

We've been married for 34 years. On Saturday she asked me: Are you going to watch sports all day?

adorable!

tbone_ · October 7

We've been married for 34 years. On Saturday she asked me: Are you going to watch sports all day?
adorable!

Are you going to whip my ass all day?

Beau Vine · October 7

My wife got pissed at me because I said that taking her shoes off without untying them was "something small children do."

Jerry Callo · October 7

27 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

My wife got pissed at me because I said that taking her shoes off without untying them was "something small children

I'm not a small children, you're a small children.

MissingInAction · October 8

I haven't owned shoes with laces in 5 years.

Crocs for life.

Dnaguy · October 8

2 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

My wife got pissed at me because I said that taking her shoes off without untying them was "something small children do."

Or Joe Montana

tbone_ · October 8

I haven't owned shoes with laces in 5 years.
Crocs for life.

It’s all starting to make sense now

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