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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 55804

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3 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

I haven't owned shoes with laces in 5 years. 

Crocs for life. 

I'm OK with that (other than the Crocs part), but every time we take the dog for a walk, I have to wait for her to untie her double-knotted running shoes, put them on, and then tie them again.  

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MissingInAction

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1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

I'm OK with that (other than the Crocs part), but every time we take the dog for a walk, I have to wait for her to untie her double-knotted running shoes, put them on, and then tie them again.  

Try wearing Crocs without shame. It's like walking on memory foam all day.

 

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I don't belong here
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Mittens

Mittens 8629

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11 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I'm OK with that (other than the Crocs part), but every time we take the dog for a walk, I have to wait for her to untie her double-knotted running shoes, put them on, and then tie them again.  

Replace her laces w/ these: https://www.xpandlaces.com/

Have had them in almost every pair of shoes for the last 10+ years.

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Sandman

Sandman 3427

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On 10/7/2024 at 12:19 PM, MissingInAction said:

Reading this thread helps me understand why I'm single

 

I haven't owned shoes with laces in 5 years. 

Crocs for life.

I think I've cracked the case.

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irishtexan

irishtexan 11692

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On 10/7/2024 at 12:19 PM, MissingInAction said:

Reading this thread helps me understand why I'm single despite my incredible looks and horse cock.

I'm incapable of putting up with any of that bullshit.

 

21 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

I haven't owned shoes with laces in 5 years. 

Crocs for life. 

saying jeff goldblum GIF

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18028

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On 10/5/2024 at 3:55 AM, Superhero said:

Me still awake in our office area that’s just outside of bedroom.

She went to bed first and leaves the door open, then asks if I can dim the lights because it’s too bright.

 

Now I’m in bed on my phone scrolling silently the dark, screen brightness all the way down. She just asked if I can turn off the phone because the light is somehow penetrating her eyelids and she can’t fall asleep. 

Your wife is full of shit. She just wants you to go to bed when she does.

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PvilleStang

PvilleStang 2974

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1 hour ago, BurntEyes said:

"Closing vents while interior detailing is standard protocol for all car wash people, mam."

If I'm paying you to detail my car, return the vents and the seats to the same place you found 'em.  If you're good at your job, and enjoy a good tip, do it right!

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Baboontyme

Baboontyme 2874

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Finding life kind of challenging right now. I wanted to get a dog after our remodel finished. My kids had been begging for one, and we never re upped after my last dog passed in 2017. Got a puppy. I knew everything would be on me and i was and still am cool with that. But holy shit. It's like I have 3 kids rather than a spouse and 2 kids. I ask for a modicum of help so I can perform some sort of essential task, i.e. can you make sure the puppy doesn't eat the couch and choke on the fabric so I can take a shower and I get out of the shower and the puppy is by herself in the blocked off family room with a mouthful of string in her mouth. That was last week. 

Tonight I came upstairs from my shower to find the dog on the couch and my 11 yo hurriedly shooing her off the couch when she realized it was me. Wife sitting next to her. Wtf you guys, I'm paying a lot of money for obedience classes so that she doesn't do shit like this. Maybe we'll allow it one day but not now. I've been clear about that. I had to explain that I was not upset with the dog or my daughter, but the adult in the room who knows better 

An hour later I'm told that we took the dog out but we let a hornet in the house and we don't know where it is or what to do. 

Cue the Benny Hill music. Sure enough, it's 50 degrees out and raining but somehow they found a hornet and escorted it into the house at 11 fucking 30 at night. He's dead now thanks to my Oofos slide but what the hell man, I just wanted to watch football. 

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rage-a-holic

rage-a-holic 4707

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2 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

Finding life kind of challenging right now. I wanted to get a dog after our remodel finished. My kids had been begging for one, and we never re upped after my last dog passed in 2017. Got a puppy. I knew everything would be on me and i was and still am cool with that. But holy shit. It's like I have 3 kids rather than a spouse and 2 kids. I ask for a modicum of help so I can perform some sort of essential task, i.e. can you make sure the puppy doesn't eat the couch and choke on the fabric so I can take a shower and I get out of the shower and the puppy is by herself in the blocked off family room with a mouthful of string in her mouth. That was last week. 

Tonight I came upstairs from my shower to find the dog on the couch and my 11 yo hurriedly shooing her off the couch when she realized it was me. Wife sitting next to her. Wtf you guys, I'm paying a lot of money for obedience classes so that she doesn't do shit like this. Maybe we'll allow it one day but not now. I've been clear about that. I had to explain that I was not upset with the dog or my daughter, but the adult in the room who knows better 

An hour later I'm told that we took the dog out but we let a hornet in the house and we don't know where it is or what to do. 

Cue the Benny Hill music. Sure enough, it's 50 degrees out and raining but somehow they found a hornet and escorted it into the house at 11 fucking 30 at night. He's dead now thanks to my Oofos slide but what the hell man, I just wanted to watch football. 

Where is it 50 degrees outside at 11:30 tonight? I want to go to there.

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8950

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9 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

Tonight I came upstairs from my shower to find the dog on the couch and my 11 yo hurriedly shooing her off the couch when she realized it was me. Wife sitting next to her. Wtf you guys, I'm paying a lot of money for obedience classes so that she doesn't do shit like this. Maybe we'll allow it one day but not now. I've been clear about that. I had to explain that I was not upset with the dog or my daughter, but the adult in the room who knows better 

I have found it is much easier to train a dog than it is to train a wife.  We've had the same issue with the three labs we've had over the years.  You should use a crate when you are not around to keep an eye on the dog - putting the dog in a crate may work too.

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Texasborn91

Texasborn91 1082

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Should have seen my wife’s head spinning trying to convert the measurements for her water to rice ratio. 
 

needed 3 cups but the rice bag only gave her conversion 1 or 2 cups. My god that threw her for a loop. To the point of asking Alexa to convert it for her. 
 

after watching for about 3 mins I finally suggested she do the measurement for 1 cup then the measurements for 2 cups….

it sank in rather quickly 

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 2039

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On 10/12/2024 at 11:05 PM, Baboontyme said:

Finding life kind of challenging right now. I wanted to get a dog after our remodel finished. My kids had been begging for one, and we never re upped after my last dog passed in 2017. Got a puppy. I knew everything would be on me and i was and still am cool with that. But holy shit. It's like I have 3 kids rather than a spouse and 2 kids. I ask for a modicum of help so I can perform some sort of essential task, i.e. can you make sure the puppy doesn't eat the couch and choke on the fabric so I can take a shower and I get out of the shower and the puppy is by herself in the blocked off family room with a mouthful of string in her mouth. That was last week. 

Tonight I came upstairs from my shower to find the dog on the couch and my 11 yo hurriedly shooing her off the couch when she realized it was me. Wife sitting next to her. Wtf you guys, I'm paying a lot of money for obedience classes so that she doesn't do shit like this. Maybe we'll allow it one day but not now. I've been clear about that. I had to explain that I was not upset with the dog or my daughter, but the adult in the room who knows better 

An hour later I'm told that we took the dog out but we let a hornet in the house and we don't know where it is or what to do. 

Cue the Benny Hill music. Sure enough, it's 50 degrees out and raining but somehow they found a hornet and escorted it into the house at 11 fucking 30 at night. He's dead now thanks to my Oofos slide but what the hell man, I just wanted to watch football. 

We recently had a pug puppy come into our lives.  We already had an 80-lb yellow lab.  Anyway, we can't leave the pug unsupervised in the house because she's still not house trained and also chews on everything.  So we either take her with us in the car or we put her in a crate.  My wife went out to take the kids somewhere and they took the dog.  When they got home the dog was limping.  My wife told me that she had no idea how the dog got injured; she stayed in the car in the front seat the whole time.  She also told me that she put the dog in a new seatbelt/harness thing she had bought because she felt it was dangerous for the dog to be roaming around the car while she was driving.  I asked my wife about the harness and how it worked and how the dog reacted to it.  She said that the dog struggled with it at first until she realized she was locked in and then just sat there.  We took the dog to the vet and they couldn't tell us what was wrong until they did xrays, to start.  That was going to cost hundreds of dollars so I said to just wait and see if she heals on her own.  The dog is still walking with a limp two days later.

The only way something could have happened was when the dog was in the harness in my wife's car.  I think she's lying about the dog staying put the whole time.  Regardless, this fucking harness thing she bought injured our new dog and no telling how much it's going to end up costing me.

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Pokoloco

Pokoloco 1290

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going on a company golf trip-she sees the list of who all is going. It's all men.

Her: Looks like it's gonna be a real sardine can out there.

Me: What?

Her: its all guys.

Me: That's not the saying. It's sausage fest. How would sardine can make any sense?

Her: It's gonna be a real sausage fest out there.

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28904

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3 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

going on a company golf trip-she sees the list of who all is going. It's all men.

Her: Looks like it's gonna be a real sardine can out there.

Me: What?

Her: its all guys.

Me: That's not the saying. It's sausage fest. How would sardine can make any sense?

Her: It's gonna be a real sausage fest out there.

Are you all sharing a single golf cart?

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nnm

nnm 37735

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1 hour ago, CycleTex87 said:

We’re doing a company hunting / planning meeting trip in a couple weeks where it’s six men and one woman. Would she like that better?

I think there’s a group picture of that group floating around the internet. 

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Lidig8r

Lidig8r 1903

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4 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

We’re doing a company hunting / planning meeting trip in a couple weeks where it’s six men and one woman. Would she like that better?

Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me ... but ...

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Pokoloco

Pokoloco 1290

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19 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Are you all sharing a single golf cart?

THEN that would make sense!

17 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

I’m still not 100% convinced that you don’t need hearing aids. 

My daughter told me about this one. 

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6654

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Last ~1 minute of the Vandy game.  Vandy gets that TD & the extra point goes through the goal posts.
 
SCENE: I commented "interesting view for the PAT; I guess they have a camera on the center / top of the net as I don't think I have ever seen that view before."
Move forward a moment to the 'Dores lining up for their onside attempt.
 
Her:  Why are they (Vanderbilt) lined up like that?  Are they trying to get that "2 point" thing after the touchdown?"
Me:  "Ummm... wat?"
Her:  "Don't talk to me like it was a stupid question.  What are they doing?  I haven't ever seen that before."
Me:  You can NOT be serious here.
Her:  "You're such an ass."

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