Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Knoxtnhorn 6,066]

17 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Last ~1 minute of the Vandy game.  Vandy gets that TD & the extra point goes through the goal posts.
 
SCENE: I commented "interesting view for the PAT; I guess they have a camera on the center / top of the net as I don't think I have ever seen that view before."
Move forward a moment to the 'Dores lining up for their onside attempt.
 
Her:  Why are they (Vanderbilt) lined up like that?  Are they trying to get that "2 point" thing after the touchdown?"
Me:  "Ummm... wat?"
Her:  "Don't talk to me like it was a stupid question.  What are they doing?  I haven't ever seen that before."
Me:  You can NOT be serious here.
Her:  "You're such an ass."
 

Well done.  My wife won't get within 3 miles of me during a TX game.  She had considered watching this game until about 1 minute in.  She fled rather quickly.

Edited October 27 by Knoxtnhorn

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Well done.  My wife won't get within 3 miles of me during a TX game.  She had considered watching this game until about 1 minute in.  She fled rather quickly.

My wife is ONLY interested in Longhorns football.

She consistently wants me to turn the channel once the post game interviews & commentary has concluded.

[Knoxtnhorn 6,066]

16 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife is ONLY interested in Longhorns football.

She consistently wants me to turn the channel once the post game interviews & commentary has concluded.

Mine is more concerned about my "slight" anger issues.  I tend to yell a lot.  It's genetic. 

[ztejas 43,537]

7 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Well done.  My wife won't get within 3 miles of me during a TX game.  She had considered watching this game until about 1 minute in.  She fled rather quickly.

There was a Texas/OU weekend when I was in college where I was at an Austin buddy's lakehouse during the game. I may have been down there for ACL or something - can't remember.

He had a tiny little flatscreen in one room and I was plugged into the TV and pretty sure I traumatized some of the attendant females that day. 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

31 minutes ago, ztejas said:

He had a tiny little flatscreen in one room and I was plugged into the TV and pretty sure I traumatized some of the attendant females that day. 

Was this because you turned the Texas game ON or OFF?

[Tex Long 4,445]

Has anyone ever gotten a straight answer about what appears to me to be the near-universal female behavior of showering before dressing up to go work out, yoga, pilates or whatever?

 

[Kennythetiger 9,460]

No, and I don’t care. She wants to wear yoga pants and a bra, fuckin’ a. 

[tigol 2,399]

Has anyone ever gotten a straight answer about what appears to me to be the near-universal female behavior of showering before dressing up to go work out, yoga, pilates or whatever?
 

She’s not interested in working out.

[Kennythetiger 9,460]

35 minutes ago, tigol said:

 

 

She’s not interested in working out.

 

 

When my wife asks me to help her with a shitty task, she’ll often wear something very flirtatious. Win-win. 

[Pokoloco 1,282]

4 hours ago, Tex Long said:

Has anyone ever gotten a straight answer about what appears to me to be the near-universal female behavior of showering before dressing up to go work out, yoga, pilates or whatever?

 

She's cheating on you.

[rage-a-holic 4,470]

8 hours ago, Tex Long said:

Has anyone ever gotten a straight answer about what appears to me to be the near-universal female behavior of showering before dressing up to go work out, yoga, pilates or whatever?

 

If she doesn't arrive looking and smelling like a fresh rose, the other judgmental bitches at yoga class will gossip about how she's smelly and doesn't shower. End of her social life.

It's the same reason they pre-clean the house before the maid gets there. They absolutely can't have maids thinking/gossiping about them being lazy slobs.

[Kennythetiger 9,460]

I pre-clean before my house-cleaner arrives. Figure she can get everything deep-down clean if she doesn’t have to pick up all of my shit first. 

[Buzzrock 14,941]

Rainy 50 degree hornet story killed me. Keep up the good work fellas. 

[rage-a-holic 4,470]

49 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

I pre-clean before my house-cleaner arrives. Figure she can get everything deep-down clean if she doesn’t have to pick up all of my shit first. 

Deep cleaning? 🤣 We obviously use different maids. The ones we've used in Austin and all over Mexico love the pre-cleaning and just fuck around for 3 hours. And we're talking about 10 different maids over the past 4 years, so it's not just a couple of lazy bad apples.

[Gil Bang 26,020]

one day the GF was away for work, and the housekeeper was coming.  I was doing the usual pre-clean...making sure that the toys were hidden, picking up the dirty undies, etc.  My old boss (and mentor, and dear friend) calls.  I tell him I'm pre-cleaning for the housekeeper, and ask him if they do that. He laughs in my ear and says I can beat that.   They had the same housekeeper, every Tuesday, for 30+ years.  She was like a family member, but she got so old and senile that she was a terrible cleaner.  They knew that she needed the money, so they couldn't fire her, so, they hired ANOTHER housekeeper, to come in on Wednesdays, and actually clean the house. 

[Sandman 3,412]

On 10/28/2024 at 11:07 AM, Tex Long said:

Has anyone ever gotten a straight answer about what appears to me to be the near-universal female behavior of showering before dressing up to go work out, yoga, pilates or whatever?

 

Does this mean I shouldn't take a shower before I got play golf?

[Tex Long 4,445]

24 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Does this mean I shouldn't take a shower before I got play golf?

Depends. Do you shower before going outside to do a few hours of yard work?

 

[Sandman 3,412]

9 minutes ago, Tex Long said:

Depends. Do you shower before going outside to do a few hours of yard work?

 

I don't do yard work but I get what you mean. I guess I'm just too deep into my routine of "get up, shower, dress and go". I don't want to put on clean clothes if I haven't bathed. 

[Tex Long 4,445]

1 hour ago, Sandman said:

I don't do yard work but I get what you mean. I guess I'm just too deep into my routine of "get up, shower, dress and go". I don't want to put on clean clothes if I haven't bathed. 

Yah, I get it. I shower before bed, maybe shower in morning depending on overnight activities.  What I don't do is shower before workouts. 

All-in-all I think rage-a-holic got it right.

[tbone_ 14,161]

Who gives a shit how often someone showers. Unless the answer is not enough.

[Dnaguy 12,061]

My wife bought a grounding mattress pad.

Why I asked her why, she said ‘I’m not going to get into all the benefits it provides right before bed’

I just shut up. I’ve tried over the years to debunk all the snake oil she’s fallen for and have just lost my desire bc she’s just can’t help herself.

Don’t ever let your kids go to A&M folks.

Edited October 30 by Dnaguy

[NorthLoop 14,248]

10 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Who gives a shit how often someone showers. Unless the answer is not enough.

The ultimate problem here is that she'll take too long in the shower, which causes her to be running late, which causes her to be a bitch to everyone around her. 

[Tex Long 4,445]

1 hour ago, NorthLoop said:

The ultimate problem here is that she'll take too long in the shower, which causes her to be running late, which causes her to be a bitch to everyone around her. 

Listen to this man, he speaks the language of experienced truth. 

[tbone_ 14,161]

The ultimate problem here is that she'll take too long in the shower, which causes her to be running late, which causes her to be a bitch to everyone around her. 

Are you expecting to wake up one day and see that the sky has magically turned green instead of blue?

[Tex Long 4,445]

42 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

... the sky has magically turned green ... ?

Tell me you've never lived through a tornado, without telling me you've never lived through a tornado.

 

 

[PvilleStang 2,921]

[TrashMaster G 17,599]

11 hours ago, Tex Long said:

Tell me you've never lived through a tornado, without telling me you've never lived through a tornado.

Can confirm.

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Phone call, her Dad is in the hospital.

 

Me:  Sounds noisy in the background.  Who all is there?

Her: Well, Mom & Dad, Roxette, Monster, K & D [her (2) sisters], "S" who is a friend of sister K, "H", who is a friend of Roxette...

Me:  Yeah, I would EXPECT your Dad would be there.

Her:  You're an ass.

[Pokoloco 1,282]

She pulled a muscle in her "growing area". 

[Incredulity 11,683]

2 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

She pulled a muscle in her "growing area". 

she shouldn't have one of those....

[PvilleStang 2,921]

2 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

She pulled a muscle in her "growing area". 

Next time she asks for another cookie, tell her it's going right to her "growing area".*

*If you don't mind the couch for the evening

[Hate 20,145]

Narrator: she had not tried that. It was fixed in 2 seconds.

[Pokoloco 1,282]

I have a son that's been in trouble with the law as some of you know..

Her: We should have had him watch Scared Strict when he was a kid.

[Kennythetiger 9,460]

or The Dukes of Hazzard. 

[BurntEyes 6,030]

Never change Trixie, never change.

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Map of USA is on the television.
 
HER:  Which one is colder?  North Dakota or South Dakota?
ME (trying to not look incredulous):  Ummm... well, they both can probably get very cold, especially in comparison to what we getbhere in Central Texas... & I haven't looked it up to check the distance, however I'm guessing the distance from the lower part of SOUTH Dakota to the top part of NORTH Dakota (where it borders CANADA) is, ummm... probably not much different than maybe the San Marcos to North Dallas kinda distance...
 But, again.
 NORTH Dakota v SOUTH Dakota.
HER:  But which one is up top?
ME:: 

[Sam Lin 3,561]

She thinks there's a South Sakota?

[BurntEyes 6,030]

5 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

She thinks there's a South Sakota?

9n!! 

[McFly 606]

5 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

9n!! 

[CycleTex87 2,981]

On 11/5/2024 at 11:23 PM, ROFL BOX said:

Map of USA is 9n the television.

 

HER:  Which one is colder?  North Dakota or South Sakota?

ME (trying to not look incredulous):  Ummm... well, they both can probably get very cold, especially in comparison to what we getbhere in Central Texas... & I haven't looked it up to check the distance, however I'm guessing the distance from the lower part of SOUTH Dakota to the top part of NORTH Dakota (where it borders CANADA) is, ummm... probably not much different than maybe the San Marcos to North Dallas kinda distance...

 But, again.

 NORTH Dakota v SOUTH Dakota.

HER:  But which one is up top?

ME::  🤦‍♂️

depends on your frame of reference.

[Superhero 8,842]

Shower door contractor is coming over today to measure and provide quote. I want regular glass panels and hinged doors. The wife wants the kids' shower to have sliding panels, because apparently she thinks the kids don't know how to squeegee the glass on a regular shower door without the door opening and dripping water onto the floor (oh the humanity!).

My wife fucking stubborn. Gets it from her grandmothers...

 

Me: If you're thinking of getting the sliding door, you should find a picture of it and show the guy.

Her: Why? I can just describe it.

Me: It'll save you a LOT of time and words if you just show him a picture.

Her: But what if he has another type of door? I don't want him to limit it to just what I show him.

Me: Yes, and he can give you a 3rd option. But trust me, find a photo, show it to him, and he'll better understand what you're looking for.

Her: No, I'll just describe it.
 

This goes on for 2 minutes... 
 

Me (getting mad): We've been together for 18 years, and I don't understand you at times. You'll start mid thought, won't provide any context, I have to ask a lot of questions to understand what you're trying to say. Save the guy the frustration I feel everyday, just find a freakin' photo so you can show him, and it won't be as confusing for you, or for him, and you'll get what you want!!!

Her: I hear you. But why do you have to get mad?
 

I looked up some photos, took screen shots and texted them to her, because knowing her, she'll be too stubborn to do it herself and waste everyone's time. Fucking infuriating.

 

[Kennythetiger 9,460]

I don’t know. I’d probably let her pick whatever door she wants, and move on. Live to fight another day. 

[Dnaguy 12,061]

5 hours ago, Superhero said:

Shower door contractor is coming over today to measure and provide quote. I want regular glass panels and hinged doors. The wife wants the kids' shower to have sliding panels, because apparently she thinks the kids don't know how to squeegee the glass on a regular shower door without the door opening and dripping water onto the floor (oh the humanity!).

My wife fucking stubborn. Gets it from her grandmothers...

 

Me: If you're thinking of getting the sliding door, you should find a picture of it and show the guy.

Her: Why? I can just describe it.

Me: It'll save you a LOT of time and words if you just show him a picture.

Her: But what if he has another type of door? I don't want him to limit it to just what I show him.

Me: Yes, and he can give you a 3rd option. But trust me, find a photo, show it to him, and he'll better understand what you're looking for.

Her: No, I'll just describe it.
 

This goes on for 2 minutes... 
 

Me (getting mad): We've been together for 18 years, and I don't understand you at times. You'll start mid thought, won't provide any context, I have to ask a lot of questions to understand what you're trying to say. Save the guy the frustration I feel everyday, just find a freakin' photo so you can show him, and it won't be as confusing for you, or for him, and you'll get what you want!!!

Her: I hear you. But why do you have to get mad?
 

I looked up some photos, took screen shots and texted them to her, because knowing her, she'll be too stubborn to do it herself and waste everyone's time. Fucking infuriating.

 

Damn.

You got a ‘I hear you’?

What’s that like?

I hear that in some marriages women say things like ‘I’m sorry’ or … and I can’t confirm this… even a ‘you were right’.

But I’m pretty sure those are just urban legends.

 

[Sawbonz 27,588]

7 hours ago, Superhero said:

Shower door contractor is coming over today to measure and provide quote. I want regular glass panels and hinged doors. The wife wants the kids' shower to have sliding panels, because apparently she thinks the kids don't know how to squeegee the glass on a regular shower door without the door opening and dripping water onto the floor (oh the humanity!).

My wife fucking stubborn. Gets it from her grandmothers...

 

Me: If you're thinking of getting the sliding door, you should find a picture of it and show the guy.

Her: Why? I can just describe it.

Me: It'll save you a LOT of time and words if you just show him a picture.

Her: But what if he has another type of door? I don't want him to limit it to just what I show him.

Me: Yes, and he can give you a 3rd option. But trust me, find a photo, show it to him, and he'll better understand what you're looking for.

Her: No, I'll just describe it.
 

This goes on for 2 minutes... 
 

Me (getting mad): We've been together for 18 years, and I don't understand you at times. You'll start mid thought, won't provide any context, I have to ask a lot of questions to understand what you're trying to say. Save the guy the frustration I feel everyday, just find a freakin' photo so you can show him, and it won't be as confusing for you, or for him, and you'll get what you want!!!

Her: I hear you. But why do you have to get mad?
 

I looked up some photos, took screen shots and texted them to her, because knowing her, she'll be too stubborn to do it herself and waste everyone's time. Fucking infuriating.

 

I thought the stupid part was going to be thinking your kids were going to use the squeegee 

[Beau Vine 54,429]

7 hours ago, Superhero said:

Shower door contractor is coming over today to measure and provide quote. I want regular glass panels and hinged doors. The wife wants the kids' shower to have sliding panels, because apparently she thinks the kids don't know how to squeegee the glass on a regular shower door without the door opening and dripping water onto the floor (oh the humanity!).

My wife fucking stubborn. Gets it from her grandmothers...

 

Me: If you're thinking of getting the sliding door, you should find a picture of it and show the guy.

Her: Why? I can just describe it.

Me: It'll save you a LOT of time and words if you just show him a picture.

Her: But what if he has another type of door? I don't want him to limit it to just what I show him.

Me: Yes, and he can give you a 3rd option. But trust me, find a photo, show it to him, and he'll better understand what you're looking for.

Her: No, I'll just describe it.
 

This goes on for 2 minutes... 
 

Me (getting mad): We've been together for 18 years, and I don't understand you at times. You'll start mid thought, won't provide any context, I have to ask a lot of questions to understand what you're trying to say. Save the guy the frustration I feel everyday, just find a freakin' photo so you can show him, and it won't be as confusing for you, or for him, and you'll get what you want!!!

Her: I hear you. But why do you have to get mad?
 

I looked up some photos, took screen shots and texted them to her, because knowing her, she'll be too stubborn to do it herself and waste everyone's time. Fucking infuriating.

 

[Modessit 5,603]

Shower door contractor is coming over today to measure and provide quote. I want regular glass panels and hinged doors. The wife wants the kids' shower to have sliding panels, because apparently she thinks the kids don't know how to squeegee the glass on a regular shower door without the door opening and dripping water onto the floor (oh the humanity!).
My wife fucking stubborn. Gets it from her grandmothers...
 
Me: If you're thinking of getting the sliding door, you should find a picture of it and show the guy.
Her: Why? I can just describe it.
Me: It'll save you a LOT of time and words if you just show him a picture.
Her: But what if he has another type of door? I don't want him to limit it to just what I show him.
Me: Yes, and he can give you a 3rd option. But trust me, find a photo, show it to him, and he'll better understand what you're looking for.
Her: No, I'll just describe it.
 
This goes on for 2 minutes... 
 
Me (getting mad): We've been together for 18 years, and I don't understand you at times. You'll start mid thought, won't provide any context, I have to ask a lot of questions to understand what you're trying to say. Save the guy the frustration I feel everyday, just find a freakin' photo so you can show him, and it won't be as confusing for you, or for him, and you'll get what you want!!!
Her: I hear you. But why do you have to get mad?
 
I looked up some photos, took screen shots and texted them to her, because knowing her, she'll be too stubborn to do it herself and waste everyone's time. Fucking infuriating.
 

The kids aren't going to squeegee the damn door no matter what kind you get.

Edit: sawbonz beat me to it.

[GottaB 595]

We have three boys in middle school. Their snacks of choice are apples and strawberries.

We probably go through 4 apples and a pound of strawberries a day.

She does the grocery shopping on Saturday. Anyone want to take a guess as to how many apples and pounds of strawberries she comes home with?

Bonus points if you can guess what day of the week I am asked to stop and pick up more fruit.



I have taken to going to Costco and buying supplemental fruit on Sunday to get us to at least Wednesday.

[Kennythetiger 9,460]

She’s banging the produce manager. 

[thunderlounge 7,935]

This is why we’re doing a walk-in shower. 

[Beau Vine 54,429]

Found out last night that my wife didn't know how to adjust the TV volume with the Roku remote.   

We've been using a Roku since 2018.