Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Knoxtnhorn 5966]

3 hours ago, GottaB said:

We have three boys in middle school. Their snacks of choice are apples and strawberries.

We probably go through 4 apples and a pound of strawberries a day.

She does the grocery shopping on Saturday. Anyone want to take a guess as to how many apples and pounds of strawberries she comes home with?

Bonus points if you can guess what day of the week I am asked to stop and pick up more fruit.



I have taken to going to Costco and buying supplemental fruit on Sunday to get us to at least Wednesday.

Opposite problem here.  I throw out a bag of grapes, several apples, several oranges, etc. every weekend.  I've asked her to get packaged fruit, but I'm told it'll be eaten this time.

[Sam Lin 3543]

Oh like the bag of kale.

[Tex Long 4356]

5 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Found out last night that my wife didn't know how to adjust the TV volume with the Roku remote.   

We've been using a Roku since 2018.

Replace "Roku" with "Fire Stick" and I'm right there with you.

[luke duke 6407]

Oh like the bag of kale.

My wife printed some kind of kale soup recipe about a month ago. Every week since then she’s bought a bag of kale and thrown it away before the next trip to the store. Rinse. Repeat.

[Brisketexan 104779]

My wife printed some kind of kale soup recipe about a month ago. Every week since then she’s bought a bag of kale and thrown it away before the next trip to the store. Rinse. Repeat.

Your wife is throwing away kale.
Every time she does that, it’s a positive entry on your ledger, don’t complain.

[blacklab 11883]

On 11/12/2024 at 5:52 PM, luke duke said:

My wife printed some kind of kale soup recipe about a month ago. Every week since then she’s bought a bag of kale and thrown it away before the next trip to the store. Rinse. Repeat.

Next time you're unpacking groceries just throw the kale strait into the trash and tell your wife you're saving time by skipping the step of putting it in the fridge

[NorthLoop 14141]

My wife and daughter both have a bad habit of putting items on the stairs because they're too lazy to walk them up and put them where they belong. Then those things will just sit on the stairs in the way for days. So I started just putting anything on the stairs into the adjacent downstairs closet every time I see something there. 

my wife: "If you're going to go to that effort why don't you just take them up and put them away" 

[Incredulity 11568]

25 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

Then those things will just sit on the stairs in the way for days

"days"....amateurs.  My wife and kids have stuff there for weeks on end.  They have beaten me down. 

[nnm 36206]

[PvilleStang 2856]

Does her husband work at a daycare?!  What kind of grown ass man eats a PB&J on the daily at work?!

[luke duke 6407]

Does her husband work at a daycare?!  What kind of grown ass man eats a PB&J on the daily at work?!

Aggy

[tbone_ 14037]

Nothing wrong with a pb&j

[hullabelew 3722]

On 10/30/2024 at 3:44 AM, Dnaguy said:

My wife bought a grounding mattress pad.

Why I asked her why, she said ‘I’m not going to get into all the benefits it provides right before bed’

I just shut up. I’ve tried over the years to debunk all the snake oil she’s fallen for and have just lost my desire bc she’s just can’t help herself.

Don’t ever let your kids go to A&M folks.

My wife bought one of those years ago.  She spent some amount of time telling me the benefits.....I glazed over after 5 minutes.  The next week she is telling me how great she is feeling and what a huge benefit it provides.  I still haven't told her I unplugged it after the first night.  

She gave one to my dad.  He told her Thank You and then later asked me if she was trying to kill him by getting electrocuted at night or during a thunderstorm.  I told him I unplugged ours.......I got the knowing nod of a job well done.  

[Sawbonz 27460]

5 hours ago, PvilleStang said:

Does her husband work at a daycare?!  What kind of grown ass man eats a PB&J on the daily at work?!

Edited Friday at 02:37 AM by Sawbonz

[Armybrat 40759]

5 hours ago, PvilleStang said:

Does her husband work at a daycare?!  What kind of grown ass man eats a PB&J on the daily at work?!

I did for 19 years straight at my last school.

[Superhero 8802]

Me, looking at a Total Wine catalog...

 

Her: You don't need to buy any more whisky.

Me: 

[davidg 4034]

Nothing wrong with a pb&j

With a layer of crushed up lays between the pb and the j.

/fixed

[nnm 36206]

She’s somebody’s wife …

 

[luke duke 6407]

I did for 19 years straight at my last school.

[nnm 36206]

3 minutes ago, luke duke said:

You know that dude's wife had 20 different hairstyles and at least 10 different hair colors during that period of time.

 

We've been married for 32 years.  I've had the same hairstyle since about 1972, maybe just adding or subtracting an inch or two over the years, almost exactly like the guy above.  Mrs. NNM, on the other hand . . . 

[gofuckyourself 8164]

2 hours ago, nnm said:

She’s somebody’s wife …

 

 

If she wasn't on the phone and was in fact "paying attention" to the road, the outcome likely wouldn't have changed.

Particularly if the Jaguar was say, I don't know ... the side and/or middle support beam of our two door garage.

In which case it would have happened on three separate occasions.

Hypothetically speaking, of course. 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2729]

With a layer of crushed up lays between the pb and the j.

/fixed

Close.
Cheetos

[Beau Vine 54045]

On 11/14/2024 at 2:09 PM, PvilleStang said:

Does her husband work at a daycare?!  What kind of grown ass man eats a PB&J on the daily at work?!

I had a physical therapist a few years ago who was the most midwestern stereotype I've ever met and one of the other PTs told me that he ate PB&J every day for lunch.

I bought him a case of designer peanut butter flavors for Christmas that year.  

[CycleTex87 2958]

PB&J slaps. 

[NorthLoop 14141]

Not every day

[ChickenSandwich 9805]

12 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

PB&J slaps. 

This Sandwich Is the Secret Weapon of Every NBA Team
 

https://www.menshealth.com/trending-news/a19543967/peanut-butter-jelly-sandwich-nba-teams/

[thunderlounge 7778]

Username does not check out. 

[txindep 142]

16 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I had a physical therapist a few years ago who was the most midwestern stereotype I've ever met and one of the other PTs told me that he ate PB&J every day for lunch.

I bought him a case of designer peanut butter flavors for Christmas that year.  

[Superhero 8802]

17 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I had a physical therapist a few years ago who was the most midwestern stereotype I've ever met and one of the other PTs told me that he ate PB&J every day for lunch.

I bought him a case of designer peanut butter flavors for Christmas that year.  

What are designer peanut butters?

Call me uncultured, but give me a crunchy Jif peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Mix it up every once in a while and use honey instead of jelly. 

[Brisketexan 104779]

What are designer peanut butters?
Call me uncultured, but give me a crunchy Jif peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Mix it up every once in a while and use honey instead of jelly. 

Designer PB is all that Whole Foods organic shit that separates. We have family members whose mom is crunchy and would only stick that PB at home. But when we went grocery shopping on vacation, they’d ask for (and get) Jif or some such, which they called “I love you peanut butter” because….it is tasty and not that organic shit.

[Js1 85161]

1 minute ago, Brisketexan said:

Designer PB is all that Whole Foods organic shit that separates. We have family members whose mom is crunchy and would only stick that PB at home. But when we went grocery shopping on vacation, they’d ask for (and get) Jif or some such, which they called “I love you peanut butter” because….it is tasty and not that organic shit.

I assume it’s more this than organic stuff 

https://www.uncommongoods.com/product/peanut-butter-sampler/264440000003?utm_keyword=google surfaces&flow_country=USA&one_s=google&one_m=x&one_c=21561351756&one_as=&one_a=&placement=&one_t=&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_id=21561351756&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD_u0rW0aNSydnvDu4_x5C_HHW6S0&gclid=Cj0KCQiAouG5BhDBARIsAOc08RQEV55NUBlYXiZD56q2EnskxJP4k5XyAOXUdel15AZHD_pNSc_jOXoaAmGSEALw_wcB

[Beau Vine 54045]

2 hours ago, txindep said:

There's nothing gay about one dude buying designer peanut butter for another dude who put a lot of work into massaging the pain out of said dude's back....

OK, never mind, I heard it that time.

[txhorns 2409]

1 minute ago, Beau Vine said:

There's nothing gay about one dude buying designer peanut butter for another dude who put a lot of work into massaging the pain out of said dude's back....

OK, never mind, I heard it that time.

Did you lick it off of his balls too?

[workswithseed 2042]

1 minute ago, txhorns said:

Did you lick it off of his balls too?

Wrong thread, this isn't "Beards and the stupid things they say and do."

[Dnaguy 11804]

Background: Hot water heater goes out

Wife: can you re-light the water heater?

Me: I’ll take a look at it

Later after looking at issue and finding it was a bad FV sensor. I’m searching on my phone to try and find the sensor that can get here in a day or two. Or bypass it somehow.

Wife: Is it fixed yet

Me: [Kind of pissed at the question] No. I would have told you.

Her: I only asked a question. What’s wrong?

Me: The FV sensor is out.

Her: How do you know.

Me: it says it on the display and I checked its resistance. It’s the sensor.

Her: what’s the sensor for?

Me: It senses combustible gases and vapors.

Her: Did you check it with a gas monitor?

Me: I can smell that’s there no gas. 

Her: So you didn’t check it with a gas monitor?

Me, reaching my limit: No. no I didn’t. I don’t have a 4 gas monitor 1. and 2 I know it’s the sensor. And how TF am I supposed to manifest a fucking 4 gas monitor? Have you ever seen me with a gas monitor? Where would I bump test said monitor to maintain it?

Her: why do you talk to me like that? I’m just asking questions. I live here too. I can ask questions.

Me: But that’s all you do. I’m trying to fix this shit and all you’re doing is second guessing me and distracting me from finding the part to fix this.

Her: Slams door to bedroom. 

And thanks to YouTube I was able to temp bypass that shit so she’s now enjoying a hot shower. Crazy. 
FYI: the sensor has a resistance between 7 to 25 k Olms. so it was showing  350 k olms. There’s a silicone with carbon dialectic coating on it or something. So I cleaned it off and used a pencil while hooked up to a multimeter to get it back to 9 k Olms. Then put it back in. Reset the fault.  Bam! Worked. YouTube is amazing when it isn’t brainwashing my kids.

[NorthLoop 14141]

I dunno man. You kinda sound like the dick there. 

[ChickenSandwich 9805]

41 minutes ago, Dnaguy said:

Background: Hot water heater goes out

Wife: can you re-light the water heater?

Me: I’ll take a look at it

Later after looking at issue and finding it was a bad FV sensor. I’m searching on my phone to try and find the sensor that can get here in a day or two. Or bypass it somehow.

Wife: Is it fixed yet

Me: [Kind of pissed at the question] No. I would have told you.

Her: I only asked a question. What’s wrong?

Me: The FV sensor is out.

Her: How do you know.

Me: it says it on the display and I checked its resistance. It’s the sensor.

Her: what’s the sensor for?

Me: It senses combustible gases and vapors.

Her: Did you check it with a gas monitor?

Me: I can smell that’s there no gas. 

Her: So you didn’t check it with a gas monitor?

Me, reaching my limit: No. no I didn’t. I don’t have a 4 gas monitor 1. and 2 I know it’s the sensor. And how TF am I supposed to manifest a fucking 4 gas monitor? Have you ever seen me with a gas monitor? Where would I bump test said monitor to maintain it?

Her: why do you talk to me like that? I’m just asking questions. I live here too. I can ask questions.

Me: But that’s all you do. I’m trying to fix this shit and all you’re doing is second guessing me and distracting me from finding the part to fix this.

Her: Slams door to bedroom. 

And thanks to YouTube I was able to temp bypass that shit so she’s now enjoying a hot shower. Crazy. 
FYI: the sensor has a resistance between 7 to 25 k Olms. so it was showing  350 k olms. There’s a silicone with carbon dialectic coating on it or something. So I cleaned it off and used a pencil while hooked up to a multimeter to get it back to 9 k Olms. Then put it back in. Reset the fault.  Bam! Worked. YouTube is amazing when it isn’t brainwashing my kids.

[Dnaguy 11804]

25 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

I dunno man. You kinda sound like the dick there. 

Probably.

But considering this is literally every time my wife asks me to fix something…. And then asks me a million questions…. Or then if I take longer than she likes asks ‘Do you know what you’re doing?’ … I had reached my limit. 

[NorthLoop 14141]

7 minutes ago, Dnaguy said:

Probably.

But considering this is literally every time my wife asks me to fix something…. And then asks me a million questions…. Or then if I take longer than she likes asks ‘Do you know what you’re doing?’ … I had reached my limit. 

I get it. No judgement. 

[Sam Lin 3543]

9 minutes ago, Dnaguy said:

then if I take longer than she likes asks ‘Do you know what you’re doing?’ … 

That's because you have no idea what you're doing.

[Dnaguy 11804]

Just now, Sam Lin said:

That's because you have no idea what you're doing.

At being married? Yeah…..

[Beau Vine 54045]

1 hour ago, Sam Lin said:

That's because you have no idea what you're doing.

If he knew what he was doing, it wouldn't take him so long, right?

[blacklab 11883]

2 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

Background: Hot water heater goes out

Wife: can you re-light the water heater?

Me: I’ll take a look at it

Later after looking at issue and finding it was a bad FV sensor. I’m searching on my phone to try and find the sensor that can get here in a day or two. Or bypass it somehow.

Wife: Is it fixed yet

Me: [Kind of pissed at the question] No. I would have told you.

Her: I only asked a question. What’s wrong?

Me: The FV sensor is out.

Her: How do you know.

Me: it says it on the display and I checked its resistance. It’s the sensor.

Her: what’s the sensor for?

Me: It senses combustible gases and vapors.

Her: Did you check it with a gas monitor?

Me: I can smell that’s there no gas. 

Her: So you didn’t check it with a gas monitor?

Me, reaching my limit: No. no I didn’t. I don’t have a 4 gas monitor 1. and 2 I know it’s the sensor. And how TF am I supposed to manifest a fucking 4 gas monitor? Have you ever seen me with a gas monitor? Where would I bump test said monitor to maintain it?

Her: why do you talk to me like that? I’m just asking questions. I live here too. I can ask questions.

Me: But that’s all you do. I’m trying to fix this shit and all you’re doing is second guessing me and distracting me from finding the part to fix this.

Her: Slams door to bedroom. 

And thanks to YouTube I was able to temp bypass that shit so she’s now enjoying a hot shower. Crazy. 
FYI: the sensor has a resistance between 7 to 25 k Olms. so it was showing  350 k olms. There’s a silicone with carbon dialectic coating on it or something. So I cleaned it off and used a pencil while hooked up to a multimeter to get it back to 9 k Olms. Then put it back in. Reset the fault.  Bam! Worked. YouTube is amazing when it isn’t brainwashing my kids.

I feel your pain brother.

Wife's car won't start, her: "could it be the tire pressure is low?"

[workswithseed 2042]

3 hours ago, blacklab said:

I feel your pain brother.

Wife's car won't start, her: "could it be the tire pressure is low?"

[workswithseed 2042]

On 3/22/2023 at 9:33 AM, Brothahorn said:

When the wife is in one of her chatty modes, I put one of my Bluetooth ear pods in and listen to a podcast or book. It helps drown out the noise.

In almost 9 years of marriage, I've finished everything by Tom Clancy and Vince Flynn at least twice.

This, but I literally can't hear out of the other ear.

 

[Celery Man 20911]

Wife thinks that things dry by having the water fall off of it and onto a towel. Which is trivial but I keep explaining that the water needs to evaporate and she keeps putting giant wet bowls upside down on a towel (which…. just dry the bowl off) and then if I fuck with how she has the food processor arranged to dry (because I’m going to end up putting it away at night) “why are you fucking with it???”. Trivial but here I am drying shit off in the morning that should have been put away forever ago.

 

also, ordered this, which I think is heavily advertised on social media-

cause her bag is old. Her old bag? A still pristine Briggs and Riley.

[Iceman 2667]

8 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

I dunno man. You kinda sound like the dick there. 

If she's gonna depose me or look over my shoulder, she can fucking do the work or shut her trap.

Thankfully, my wife learned this shit a long time ago.  I thought he was pretty patient in answering her dumbass questions.

Edited 1 hour ago by Iceman

[Jerry Callo 8673]

10 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

Background: Hot water heater goes out

Wife: can you re-light the water heater?

Me: I’ll take a look at it

Later after looking at issue and finding it was a bad FV sensor. I’m searching on my phone to try and find the sensor that can get here in a day or two. Or bypass it somehow.

Wife: Is it fixed yet

Me: [Kind of pissed at the question] No. I would have told you.

Her: I only asked a question. What’s wrong?

Me: The FV sensor is out.

Her: How do you know.

Me: it says it on the display and I checked its resistance. It’s the sensor.

Her: what’s the sensor for?

Me: It senses combustible gases and vapors.

Her: Did you check it with a gas monitor?

Me: I can smell that’s there no gas. 

Her: So you didn’t check it with a gas monitor?

Me, reaching my limit: No. no I didn’t. I don’t have a 4 gas monitor 1. and 2 I know it’s the sensor. And how TF am I supposed to manifest a fucking 4 gas monitor? Have you ever seen me with a gas monitor? Where would I bump test said monitor to maintain it?

Her: why do you talk to me like that? I’m just asking questions. I live here too. I can ask questions.

Me: But that’s all you do. I’m trying to fix this shit and all you’re doing is second guessing me and distracting me from finding the part to fix this.

Her: Slams door to bedroom. 

And thanks to YouTube I was able to temp bypass that shit so she’s now enjoying a hot shower. Crazy. 
FYI: the sensor has a resistance between 7 to 25 k Olms. so it was showing  350 k olms. There’s a silicone with carbon dialectic coating on it or something. So I cleaned it off and used a pencil while hooked up to a multimeter to get it back to 9 k Olms. Then put it back in. Reset the fault.  Bam! Worked. YouTube is amazing when it isn’t brainwashing my kids.

If you dodged the incessant questioning about installing tankless water heater(s) - consider yourself lucky.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2729]

Probably.
But considering this is literally every time my wife asks me to fix something…. And then asks me a million questions…. Or then if I take longer than she likes asks ‘Do you know what you’re doing?’ … I had reached my limit. 

My wife does this while driving.
I’ve considered hitting walls at 80 just so it will be quiet.