Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Dnaguy 12181]

2 hours ago, idigTexas said:

Why are you heating your hot water?  

To get it hotter.

🤷🏼‍♂️

[General Specific 3296]

I feel your pain brother.
Wife's car won't start, her: "could it be the tire pressure is low?"

Sounds like she at least did a little troubleshooting, and checked the blinker fluid first!

[Tex Long 4488]

Are there wives who don't baby-talk to their sweety-pie little doggies?

[Sam Lin 3564]

What you call yourself in bed is none of our business.

[Superhero 8870]

Me to the kids: Hey guys, it’s 9:30. You need to turn off the TV and go to bed.

Me to the wife: Why are you still watching TV with them? It’s time for them to go to bed.

Wife: I told them at least 2 times to turn off the TV and they won’t listen.

Me: You’re the adult in the room. You can turn off the TV yourself, but you’re just sitting there watching with them!

 

*tone*

[Fudge Nuggets 19239]

On 11/16/2024 at 9:58 PM, Dnaguy said:

Probably.

But considering this is literally every time my wife asks me to fix something…. And then asks me a million questions…. Or then if I take longer than she likes asks ‘Do you know what you’re doing?’ … I had reached my limit. 

She’s trying to learn how to fix stuff so she can do it herself when she leaves your grouchy ass. 

On 11/15/2024 at 12:51 PM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Close.
Cheetos

Fritos. 

[High Plains Drifter 11054]

On 11/14/2024 at 12:15 PM, NorthLoop said:

My wife and daughter both have a bad habit of putting items on the stairs because they're too lazy to walk them up and put them where they belong. Then those things will just sit on the stairs in the way for days. So I started just putting anything on the stairs into the adjacent downstairs closet every time I see something there. 

my wife: "If you're going to go to that effort why don't you just take them up and put them away" 

 

On 11/14/2024 at 12:42 PM, Incredulity said:

"days"....amateurs.  My wife and kids have stuff there for weeks on end.  They have beaten me down. 

 

They are trying to kill y'all. Tell them you cancelled your life insurance. 

 

 

[High Plains Drifter 11054]

On 11/16/2024 at 12:18 PM, Brisketexan said:

Designer PB is all that Whole Foods organic shit that separates. We have family members whose mom is crunchy and would only stick that PB at home. But when we went grocery shopping on vacation, they’d ask for (and get) Jif or some such, which they called “I love you peanut butter” because….it is tasty and not that organic shit.

 

I'm sorry, but you are wrong. Sit there in your wrongness and contemplate how wrong you are. 

The organic shit tastes better because it is better. It tastes like peanuts because it has one ingredient- peanuts. No added salt, sugar, or other crap. No hydrogenated oils or fats. Its literally one of the few packaged foods that doesn't have added sugar. 

Note that it doesn't have to be organic to fulfill those requirements, but it is generally the organic that only has the one ingredient. One of the few examples where the organic variety does actually taste better. 

Yes, it separates, and is a pain. Just store it upside down. Mixing is much easier when you open it. 

 

Also, you pb&j assholes need to expand your horizons and move up to pb&banana. 

 

 

[Tex Long 4488]

2 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

... you pb&j assholes need to expand your horizons and move up to pb & mayonnaise banana. 

 

Actually, banana's not all that bad, but you have to mash it up to get the full effect... slices just don't quite get it.

[nnm 36735]

16 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Also, you pb&j assholes need to expand your horizons and move up to pb&banana.

[Brisketexan 105478]

21 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

No added salt, sugar, or other crap.

Good sir, I am a patriotic American.  "Added salt, sugar, and other crap" = deliciousness.  I bet you hate Twinkies, you fuckin' commie!

You know what else is just peanuts?  Peanuts.  Just grab a handful, and skip the mashing part.  Otherwise, I want me some ingredients that a chemist has a hard time pronouncing, that's how you know it's good!

[Brisketexan 105478]

Peter Pan ingredients:

ROASTED PEANUTS, SUGAR, LESS THAN 2% OF: HYDROGENATED VEGETABLE OIL (RAPESEED AND COTTONSEED), SALT.

 

Mmmmmmmm.........rapeseed oil......that's how you KNOW it's good.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21996]

57 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

I'm sorry, but you are wrong. Sit there in your wrongness and contemplate how wrong you are. 

The organic shit tastes better because it is better. It tastes like peanuts because it has one ingredient- peanuts. No added salt, sugar, or other crap. No hydrogenated oils or fats. Its literally one of the few packaged foods that doesn't have added sugar. 

Note that it doesn't have to be organic to fulfill those requirements, but it is generally the organic that only has the one ingredient. One of the few examples where the organic variety does actually taste better. 

Yes, it separates, and is a pain. Just store it upside down. Mixing is much easier when you open it. 

 

Also, you pb&j assholes need to expand your horizons and move up to pb&banana. 

 

 

I bought some of the organic, peanuts only, peanut butter to make peanut butter, and banana cupcakes for Sebastian's 3rd birthday party.  I found that I like that stuff much better than the processed shit, plus I can share it with the dogs

[CHIEF 5095]

38 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Peter Pan ingredients:

ROASTED PEANUTS, SUGAR, LESS THAN 2% OF: HYDROGENATED VEGETABLE OIL (RAPESEED AND COTTONSEED), SALT.

 

Mmmmmmmm.........rapeseed oil......that's how you KNOW it's good.

You said rapeseed twice.

CHIEF

[thunderlounge 7979]

2 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Also, you pb&j assholes need to expand your horizons and move up to pb&banana. 

Amateur. Pb/ham/cheese is where it’s at. 

[rage-a-holic 4503]

2 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Good sir, I am a patriotic American.  "Added salt, sugar, and other crap" = deliciousness.  I bet you hate Twinkies, you fuckin' commie!

You know what else is just peanuts?  Peanuts.  Just grab a handful, and skip the mashing part.  Otherwise, I want me some ingredients that a chemist has a hard time pronouncing, that's how you know it's good!

sugar-free hippie peanut butter fucking sucks

[Tex Long 4488]

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Peter Pan ingredients:

ROASTED PEANUTS, SUGAR, LESS THAN 2% OF: HYDROGENATED VEGETABLE OIL (RAPESEED AND COTTONSEED), SALT.

 

Mmmmmmmm.........rapeseed oil......that's how you KNOW it's good.

Rapeseed always sounded to me as though someone typo'ed and missed the "G" at the start.

On the other hand "Canola" sounds much healthier, although possibly a component in a euthanasia scheme.

[nnm 36735]

6 minutes ago, Tex Long said:

On the other hand "Canola" sounds much healthier, although possibly a component in a euthanasia scheme.

[Modessit 5608]

Not gonna go back and quote but:

1: "Of course I know what I'm doing!" (Looks it up on YouTube to see what to do.)

2: Who the fuck doesn't have a gas monitor? And if you had a failed FV sensor, order 2 so you have an extra for next time (15 years from now).

3: Ate lunch at my kids' school yesterday with my mom (early T-Day lunch) and if you didn't want turkey you could get a PB&J. I asked my kids if the sandwich was any good and they both said "No." I asked why and my son told me it's not really peanut butter. It's Sun Butter. Yes, I know some kids have deadly peanut allergies, but Sun Butter? Better to just make a jelly sandwich.

[Nivek 17011]

Goodwill donation is now been sitting in the back of her car for 8 months.  

[thunderlounge 7979]

That’s it? Mine has a bag in the corner, between the end of the dresser and the wall. Been there going on 2 years come January.

At least she’s stacked a few things on top so it looks better. 

[Modessit 5608]

Goodwill donation is now been sitting in the back of her car for 8 months.  

If I ever need to use my wife's car and need the trunk, I always have to get her to empty all of that shit out. "I keep meaning to stop at Goodwill and drop this off." There are always bags in there that never seem to disappear.

[Kennythetiger 9490]

11 hours ago, Modessit said:

18 hours ago, Nivek said:

Goodwill donation is now been sitting in the back of her car for 8 months.  

If I ever need to use my wife's car and need the trunk, I always have to get her to empty all of that shit out. "I keep meaning to stop at Goodwill and drop this off." There are always bags in there that never seem to disappear.

Man. Just take a cruise by yourself on Saturday morning, see how her car is running, fill it up with gas, and drop that shit off yourself. Stop for a beer on your way home- you earned it. 

[Bevo&Pevo 5264]

19 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

Amateur. Pb/ham/cheese is where it’s at. 

Almost, PB/honey/crispy bacon for the win.

[HornOnTheBayou 8957]

My wife has the Goodwill bag in the trunk of her car that she is going to take "during lunch one day this week". Poor thing hasn't had a proper lunch break in five months, apparently.

[Nivek 17011]

3 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Man. Just take a cruise by yourself on Saturday morning, see how her car is running, fill it up with gas, and drop that shit off yourself. Stop for a beer on your way home- you earned it. 

You and I know exactly what will happen after that.  

[Nivek 17011]

15 hours ago, Modessit said:

22 hours ago, Nivek said:

Goodwill donation is now been sitting in the back of her car for 8 months.  

If I ever need to use my wife's car and need the trunk, I always have to get her to empty all of that shit out. "I keep meaning to stop at Goodwill and drop this off." There are always bags in there that never seem to disappear.

I did have to use her car and access the jumper cables.   I just left some of the stuff I had to take out in order to get to the cables and left it outside, hoping it would not be there when I returned.  It was.  I supposed I am lucky the pile wasn't a bat signal for other neighborhood women to deposit their stuff.     

[workswithseed 2121]

On 11/22/2024 at 6:56 AM, High Plains Drifter said:

 

I'm sorry, but you are wrong. Sit there in your wrongness and contemplate how wrong you are. 

The organic shit tastes better because it is better. It tastes like peanuts because it has one ingredient- peanuts. No added salt, sugar, or other crap. No hydrogenated oils or fats. Its literally one of the few packaged foods that doesn't have added sugar. 

Note that it doesn't have to be organic to fulfill those requirements, but it is generally the organic that only has the one ingredient. One of the few examples where the organic variety does actually taste better. 

Yes, it separates, and is a pain. Just store it upside down. Mixing is much easier when you open it. 

 

Also, you pb&j assholes need to expand your horizons and move up to pb&banana. 

 

 

I've also added pecans and other nuts to my pb&j too. 

[Dennis Taylor 18892]

Wife- Kim Jung Un is doing the guest picks today

Me- I assure you he is not

Wife- yes he is- see

Me- 

Edited Sunday at 05:53 PM by Dennis Taylor

[SquishMitten 10451]

I wasn’t going to take the time to post this because it seemed so utterly stupid I figured she was just having a brain fart. But then she basically did it again so I feel compelled. 

Last week:

Her: I have to go see this doctor before I can have the procedure on my hand. They have an appointment in February, but it’s also at their Cedar Park location so it’s like an hour+ drive!

Me: I’m sorry! That’s crazy they don’t have anything sooner?

Her: Well they also have one next week at their office that’s 5 minutes away. That would be better, right?

Me: Ugh, yeah?

 

Yesterday:

Her: I’d like to take the girls to see Wicked in 3D tonight. The show is at 5:30, and the only available seats are in the very front row. We’d also have to leave the party a little early to make it in time, and I know [one kid] won’t be happy about that.

Me: I think that’s a show you’d want to be able to really experience, which you probably can’t get in the front row.

Her: There’s also one at 6, and there are seats in row 8, right in the middle. That would also mean we could stay until the end of the party. Should I do that one instead?

Me in my head: Yeah, now I’m posting about this nonsense. 

 

 

 

[Kennythetiger 9490]

She’s on here, and she’s fucking with you. 

[tbone_ 14211]

She’s on here, and she’s fucking with you. 

Idk. I think that’s just how the female brain works at times. It’s bewildering but sometimes you just have to help them with clear and decisive logic. The hope is that every so often when you do that it will make her pussy feel good.

[Sandman 3420]

We were at target and in the kids toys, for reasons I can't understand, there was a kiddie abacus:
 

Wife: We should get that so our grandkids can be smart!

Me: Should we get you one too?

Wife: Shut up

 

[ztejas 43603]

On 11/23/2024 at 6:49 AM, Kennythetiger said:

Man. Just take a cruise by yourself on Saturday morning, see how her car is running, fill it up with gas, and drop that shit off yourself. Stop for a beer on your way home- you earned it. 

The more times I've helped my mom move the less likely I've become to ask here anything along the lines of "do you want/need to keep this?". If I think it's junk and am reasonably convinced she won't notice it's missing it's going in the trash or to goodwill. 

Sometimes executive decision-making is needed and the less they know the better.

[thunderlounge 7979]

As we speak, wife on phone with Dr’s office. I can hear it all. 
 

Call ends, and she is now explaining the whole thing to me, that I already heard all of the first time.

 

[Superhero 8870]

On 11/24/2024 at 10:15 AM, SquishMitten said:

I wasn’t going to take the time to post this because it seemed so utterly stupid I figured she was just having a brain fart. But then she basically did it again so I feel compelled. 

Last week:

Her: I have to go see this doctor before I can have the procedure on my hand. They have an appointment in February, but it’s also at their Cedar Park location so it’s like an hour+ drive!

Me: I’m sorry! That’s crazy they don’t have anything sooner?

Her: Well they also have one next week at their office that’s 5 minutes away. That would be better, right?

Me: Ugh, yeah?

 

Yesterday:

Her: I’d like to take the girls to see Wicked in 3D tonight. The show is at 5:30, and the only available seats are in the very front row. We’d also have to leave the party a little early to make it in time, and I know [one kid] won’t be happy about that.

Me: I think that’s a show you’d want to be able to really experience, which you probably can’t get in the front row.

Her: There’s also one at 6, and there are seats in row 8, right in the middle. That would also mean we could stay until the end of the party. Should I do that one instead?

Me in my head: Yeah, now I’m posting about this nonsense. 

 

 

 

Dude. She sounds HOT.

Post pics. There are rules. 

[Crapinon 2277]

Our 19 yo cat died last week. It was pouring rain when she died and I couldn't get outside to bury her so I wrapped her up and stuck her in the freezer until I could dig a hole. Last Saturday I told my wife I was going to bury the cat in the back yard. I won't recount our 30 minute, back and forth conversation but it centered around someone digging her up after we sold the house and thinking we buried a body back there. I told her it would be too small for a human.  She said it could have been mistaken for a baby. She saw the exact same scenario on some stupid HGTV episode. She used the fact that her mothers', mothers' aunt buried a stillborn child in the backyard in 1908 as the basis for her argument. 

After 30 mins or so I finally said " Are you really concerned that someone thinks we're burying bodies in the back yard or do you just want to her that there is a .0000001% chance that you could be right"?  

"Yes" 

The obvious sarcasm in my comment was ignored when she heard that I acknowledged that there was a .0000001% chance she could be right.

[Kennythetiger 9490]

Did she want you to flush it down the toilet instead?  

[tbone_ 14211]

Just shove it in the disposal

[ztejas 43603]

11 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Just shove it in the disposal

It will go down easier with a few mins in the microwave first. 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2740]

As we speak, wife on phone with Dr’s office. I can hear it all. 
 
Call ends, and she is now explaining the whole thing to me, that I already heard all of the first time.
 

You only get one repeat?

[After irth 1245]

On 11/22/2024 at 8:56 AM, High Plains Drifter said:

 

 

Also, you pb&j assholes need to expand your horizons and move up to pb&banana. 

 

 

PB & J & B

Gotta keep the jelly and just add the banana. Glorious. 

[thunderlounge 7979]

10 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

You only get one repeat?

Initially. An hour or so later, it comes around again. 

[Scheiss Meister 8416]

On 11/25/2024 at 8:45 AM, thunderlounge said:

As we speak, wife on phone with Dr’s office. I can hear it all. 
 

Call ends, and she is now explaining the whole thing to me, that I already heard all of the first time.

 

This is also my life.  You have my enduring sympathy.

[thunderlounge 7979]

(wife sweeping the kitchen): "oh look, there's glitter on the floor. wonder where that came from."

 

[workswithseed 2121]

11 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

(wife sweeping the kitchen): "oh look, there's glitter on the floor. wonder where that came from."

 

[Superhero 8870]

Me: “So tired. Couldn’t fall asleep last night. I’m going to take a nap after we get back from the turkey trot. Wake me up at 10:30 so we can go to lunch.”

(We get home at 9:30)

She spends the next hour clomping around the bedroom doing something.

Finally closes the door at 10:28 to let me rest.

[Jerry Callo 8759]

Suck it up buttercup

[thunderlounge 7979]

51 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Me: “So tired. Couldn’t fall asleep last night. I’m going to take a nap after we get back from the turkey trot. Wake me up at 10:30 so we can go to lunch.”

(We get home at 9:30)

She spends the next hour clomping around the bedroom doing something.

Finally closes the door at 10:28 to let me rest.

 

[TrashMaster G 17664]

2 hours ago, Superhero said:

Me: “So tired. Couldn’t fall asleep last night. I’m going to take a nap after we get back from the turkey trot. Wake me up at 10:30 so we can go to lunch.”

(We get home at 9:30)

She spends the next hour clomping around the bedroom doing something.

Finally closes the door at 10:28 to let me rest.

I hate that passive aggressive bullshit.

My ex wife would be so fucking loud in the morning on the days she had to get up before me. But she bitched at me if I made any noise when the situation was reversed.