Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Mittens 8738]

This thread, in 75 seconds:

 

[Ojo Rojo 2054]

8 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

That’s when you just wack it and fall asleep before she gets back

The inner conflict between making a point and getting it wet is tough.  Very tough.

[Gatorubet 30720]

On 12/13/2024 at 2:14 PM, Willfully Horn said:

After hearing the Surly tailgate was canceled, Mrs Willfully said Surly could come over to our house for the game.

What time?

[Upgrayedd 5893]

57 minutes ago, Mittens said:

This thread, in 75 seconds:

 

And that 75 seconds seems like 75 hours 

[Gatorubet 30720]

On 11/16/2024 at 11:45 PM, blacklab said:

I feel your pain brother.

Wife's car won't start, her: "could it be the tire pressure is low?"

I just read this post, and I can only congratulate you on what must be a wife who is really fantastic in bed.

[tbone_ 14448]

The inner conflict between making a point and getting it wet is tough.  Very tough.

This is very real. But you won’t remember any of the conflict and angst after. Keep your eye on the prize. I think this is just God’s way of fucking with us.

[BearSchlong 8242]

I'm dying.

Turned off the SHSU bowl game, took the dogs outside for a nice leisurely pre-bedtime bathroom break. I myself hosed down the rock formation behind what was previously a water feature.

The dogs meander inside, climb the ramp and get in bed.

Wife is loving on the dogs, giving belly rubs. “Did he poop while he was outside?” me: “I think so, we were out there for a while. “When I listen to his tummy I can hear his bowels moving”

I lost my shit. Belly laughed for several minutes.

“Honey, you are hearing digestive noises, you can't hear his bowels move because that would mean he was actually in the act of pooping. Those noises mean he just pooped and his digestive tract is working on the food he ate tonight”

Of course she doesn't believe me and asks the dog if he needs to go back outside and poop. By this time Ive got the bed adjusted to zero G and turned the bed vibrator to high, getting settled in for the night.

(aw fuck, she's on call and the bat phone just rang, somewhere in Texas a parent, child, and LEO are having an encounter and someone is headed to jail.)

[Sawbonz 28223]

On 12/17/2024 at 10:54 AM, Upgrayedd said:

And that 75 seconds seems like 75 hours 

I made it to 0:36

[CHIEF 5228]

We went to our local sushi joint last night. We know the whole family that owns it. We always sit at the bar to bullshit with them. They are from Hong Kong originally. Of course, they have Christmas music playing, and "Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly" came on. In true A Christmas Story style Mrs, CHIEF belts out "fa ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra ra ra". I gave her a kick, should have seen the look on her face when she realized what she had just done. Our buddies from Hong Kong just died laughing as she desperately explained that it was from a movie, then they told her to be sure and drink her Ovaltine.

CHIEF

[NorthLoop 14466]

14 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

I'm dying.

Turned off the SHSU bowl game, took the dogs outside for a nice leisurely pre-bedtime bathroom break. I myself hosed down the rock formation behind what was previously a water feature.

The dogs meander inside, climb the ramp and get in bed.

Wife is loving on the dogs, giving belly rubs. “Did he poop while he was outside?” me: “I think so, we were out there for a while. “When I listen to his tummy I can hear his bowels moving”

I lost my shit. Belly laughed for several minutes.

“Honey, you are hearing digestive noises, you can't hear his bowels move because that would mean he was actually in the act of pooping. Those noises mean he just pooped and his digestive tract is working on the food he ate tonight”

Of course she doesn't believe me and asks the dog if he needs to go back outside and poop. By this time Ive got the bed adjusted to zero G and turned the bed vibrator to high, getting settled in for the night.

(aw fuck, she's on call and the bat phone just rang, somewhere in Texas a parent, child, and LEO are having an encounter and someone is headed to jail.)

This is one of the weirdest stories I've ever read on here

[TrashMaster G 18094]

15 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

I'm dying.

Turned off the SHSU bowl game, took the dogs outside for a nice leisurely pre-bedtime bathroom break. I myself hosed down the rock formation behind what was previously a water feature.

The dogs meander inside, climb the ramp and get in bed.

Wife is loving on the dogs, giving belly rubs. “Did he poop while he was outside?” me: “I think so, we were out there for a while. “When I listen to his tummy I can hear his bowels moving”

I lost my shit. Belly laughed for several minutes.

“Honey, you are hearing digestive noises, you can't hear his bowels move because that would mean he was actually in the act of pooping. Those noises mean he just pooped and his digestive tract is working on the food he ate tonight”

Of course she doesn't believe me and asks the dog if he needs to go back outside and poop. By this time Ive got the bed adjusted to zero G and turned the bed vibrator to high, getting settled in for the night.

(aw fuck, she's on call and the bat phone just rang, somewhere in Texas a parent, child, and LEO are having an encounter and someone is headed to jail.)

Nice humble brag

[BurntEyes 6315]

6 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

Nice humble brag

He tried to subtle brag that shit and thought it would go unnoticed.

He should know better.

[Mole 4340]

It’s Christmas travel time, which means that the kid and I packed last night while watching the game. Our stuff is staged and ready to go leaving time to tidy up so we come home to a clean house.

My wife has created a massive list of unrelated busywork for her and me and is attempting to line the floor of the house with every article of clothing she owns. I look like I’ve joined the Ministry of Silly Walks trying to navigate all of the stuff she has strewn about. I guess my tidying made space for her to expand her territory.

[Superhero 9025]

We were in Vegas with her siblings the past few days.

Her @ 9:15. “We’re going to meet your cousins for breakfast at 10 okay?”

Me starting to get ready and am ready by 9:20.

Me @ 9:35. “Hey guys, change out of your PJs and let’s get ready.”

Me @ 9:40, 9:42, 9:45, etc.

Me @ 10:00: “We’re supposed to be downstairs by now…”

Me @ 10:05. “I’m going downstairs with the kids. Will see you there.”

@ 10:08, we see her frantically jogging past us. “Guys, we need to hurry, we were supposed to be there at 10.”

Edited 18 hours ago by Superhero

[thunderlounge 8412]

Why is ounce vs fluid ounce such a tough concept?

 

[PhillyD 1316]

1 hour ago, thunderlounge said:

Why is ounce vs fluid ounce such a tough concept?

 

Just stop.  She will never get it.  It's the equivalent of trying to explain the difference between Kansas and Kansas State in basketball.

 

 

[KaiserSoze 1017]

7 hours ago, Mole said:

My wife has created a massive list of unrelated busywork for her and me and is attempting to line the floor of the house with every article of clothing she owns. I look like I’ve joined the Ministry of Silly Walks trying to navigate all of the stuff she has strewn about. I guess my tidying made space for her to expand her territory.

There's something about packing that many people just cannot handle- it breaks their brains. I don't understand it, but it seems to be a real thing. My ex-wife had that issue, and I also know adult males who are dumb as fuck about that simple task as well. At this point I've resigned my disappointment with these kind of people as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (so long as it won't become my problem)

[KaiserSoze 1017]

.

Edited 11 hours ago by KaiserSoze

[Kennythetiger 9627]

1 hour ago, PhillyD said:

Just stop.  She will never get it.  It's the equivalent of trying to explain the difference between Kansas and Kansas State in basketball.

 

 

Now goddamn it I graduated from both of these fine institutions. 

[lilMAC25 4001]

On 12/16/2024 at 3:29 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

Question:  Does anyone else's wife do this?  Sex is going to happen, but she goes in the bathroom or the closet or both and fucks around and takes a long time to get to it?  It feels like she is intentionally making me wait.  Dragging it out because she knows she's got me on a string in that moment.  Anyone?

Mine does that, then acts like she never promised…

[NeverMarryAStripper 22302]

8 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

Why is ounce vs fluid ounce such a tough concept?

 

Because it’s stupid.  Let’s just create some distance measure called pound so then we have to refer to pound and distance pound.  Fuck that, did they just get tired of naming shit.

Edited 5 hours ago by NeverMarryAStripper

[Mole 4340]

7 hours ago, KaiserSoze said:

There's something about packing that many people just cannot handle- it breaks their brains. I don't understand it, but it seems to be a real thing. My ex-wife had that issue, and I also know adult males who are dumb as fuck about that simple task as well. At this point I've resigned my disappointment with these kind of people as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (so long as it won't become my problem)

The spreading phase lasted about 8 hours, followed by sleep, then the gathering phase, which is an all-hands situation. It takes a village to pack a bag.

The gathering phased lasted about 12 hours although there was some early Festivus celebrations thrown in with some occasional airing of grievances.

After the gathering phase, there’s the repacking phase, which overlaps quite intensely with the Airing of Grievances. Some was mutual and some was aimed at a particular in-law who no doubt earns the scorn.

We didn’t quite leave at our agreed upon time, but that’s just Christmas I guess.

I wish I were exaggerating what went down. It’s an annual tradition where all sanity breaks down. The worst 36 hours of every year.