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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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I'm dying.

Turned off the SHSU bowl game, took the dogs outside for a nice leisurely pre-bedtime bathroom break. I myself hosed down the rock formation behind what was previously a water feature.

The dogs meander inside, climb the ramp and get in bed.

Wife is loving on the dogs, giving belly rubs. “Did he poop while he was outside?” me: “I think so, we were out there for a while. “When I listen to his tummy I can hear his bowels moving”

I lost my shit. Belly laughed for several minutes.

“Honey, you are hearing digestive noises, you can't hear his bowels move because that would mean he was actually in the act of pooping. Those noises mean he just pooped and his digestive tract is working on the food he ate tonight”

Of course she doesn't believe me and asks the dog if he needs to go back outside and poop. By this time Ive got the bed adjusted to zero G and turned the bed vibrator to high, getting settled in for the night.

(aw fuck, she's on call and the bat phone just rang, somewhere in Texas a parent, child, and LEO are having an encounter and someone is headed to jail.)

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14 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

I'm dying.

Turned off the SHSU bowl game, took the dogs outside for a nice leisurely pre-bedtime bathroom break. I myself hosed down the rock formation behind what was previously a water feature.

The dogs meander inside, climb the ramp and get in bed.

Wife is loving on the dogs, giving belly rubs. “Did he poop while he was outside?” me: “I think so, we were out there for a while. “When I listen to his tummy I can hear his bowels moving”

I lost my shit. Belly laughed for several minutes.

“Honey, you are hearing digestive noises, you can't hear his bowels move because that would mean he was actually in the act of pooping. Those noises mean he just pooped and his digestive tract is working on the food he ate tonight”

Of course she doesn't believe me and asks the dog if he needs to go back outside and poop. By this time Ive got the bed adjusted to zero G and turned the bed vibrator to high, getting settled in for the night.

(aw fuck, she's on call and the bat phone just rang, somewhere in Texas a parent, child, and LEO are having an encounter and someone is headed to jail.)

This is one of the weirdest stories I've ever read on here

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15 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

I'm dying.

Turned off the SHSU bowl game, took the dogs outside for a nice leisurely pre-bedtime bathroom break. I myself hosed down the rock formation behind what was previously a water feature.

The dogs meander inside, climb the ramp and get in bed.

Wife is loving on the dogs, giving belly rubs. “Did he poop while he was outside?” me: “I think so, we were out there for a while. “When I listen to his tummy I can hear his bowels moving”

I lost my shit. Belly laughed for several minutes.

“Honey, you are hearing digestive noises, you can't hear his bowels move because that would mean he was actually in the act of pooping. Those noises mean he just pooped and his digestive tract is working on the food he ate tonight”

Of course she doesn't believe me and asks the dog if he needs to go back outside and poop. By this time Ive got the bed adjusted to zero G and turned the bed vibrator to high, getting settled in for the night.

(aw fuck, she's on call and the bat phone just rang, somewhere in Texas a parent, child, and LEO are having an encounter and someone is headed to jail.)

Nice humble brag

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It’s Christmas travel time, which means that the kid and I packed last night while watching the game. Our stuff is staged and ready to go leaving time to tidy up so we come home to a clean house.

My wife has created a massive list of unrelated busywork for her and me and is attempting to line the floor of the house with every article of clothing she owns. I look like I’ve joined the Ministry of Silly Walks trying to navigate all of the stuff she has strewn about. I guess my tidying made space for her to expand her territory.

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We were in Vegas with her siblings the past few days.

Her @ 9:15. “We’re going to meet your cousins for breakfast at 10 okay?”

Me starting to get ready and am ready by 9:20.

Me @ 9:35. “Hey guys, change out of your PJs and let’s get ready.”

Me @ 9:40, 9:42, 9:45, etc.

Me @ 10:00: “We’re supposed to be downstairs by now…”

Me @ 10:05. “I’m going downstairs with the kids. Will see you there.”


@ 10:08, we see her frantically jogging past us. “Guys, we need to hurry, we were supposed to be there at 10.”

Edited by Superhero
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7 hours ago, Mole said:

My wife has created a massive list of unrelated busywork for her and me and is attempting to line the floor of the house with every article of clothing she owns. I look like I’ve joined the Ministry of Silly Walks trying to navigate all of the stuff she has strewn about. I guess my tidying made space for her to expand her territory.

There's something about packing that many people just cannot handle- it breaks their brains. I don't understand it, but it seems to be a real thing. My ex-wife had that issue, and I also know adult males who are dumb as fuck about that simple task as well. At this point I've resigned my disappointment with these kind of people as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (so long as it won't become my problem)

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On 12/16/2024 at 3:29 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

Question:  Does anyone else's wife do this?  Sex is going to happen, but she goes in the bathroom or the closet or both and fucks around and takes a long time to get to it?  It feels like she is intentionally making me wait.  Dragging it out because she knows she's got me on a string in that moment.  Anyone?

Mine does that, then acts like she never promised…

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8 hours ago, thunderlounge said:

Why is ounce vs fluid ounce such a tough concept?

 

Because it’s stupid.  Let’s just create some distance measure called pound so then we have to refer to pound and distance pound.  Fuck that, did they just get tired of naming shit.

Edited by NeverMarryAStripper
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7 hours ago, KaiserSoze said:

There's something about packing that many people just cannot handle- it breaks their brains. I don't understand it, but it seems to be a real thing. My ex-wife had that issue, and I also know adult males who are dumb as fuck about that simple task as well. At this point I've resigned my disappointment with these kind of people as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (so long as it won't become my problem)

The spreading phase lasted about 8 hours, followed by sleep, then the gathering phase, which is an all-hands situation. It takes a village to pack a bag.

The gathering phased lasted about 12 hours although there was some early Festivus celebrations thrown in with some occasional airing of grievances.

After the gathering phase, there’s the repacking phase, which overlaps quite intensely with the Airing of Grievances. Some was mutual and some was aimed at a particular in-law who no doubt earns the scorn.

We didn’t quite leave at our agreed upon time, but that’s just Christmas I guess.

I wish I were exaggerating what went down. It’s an annual tradition where all sanity breaks down. The worst 36 hours of every year.

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The spreading phase lasted about 8 hours, followed by sleep, then the gathering phase, which is an all-hands situation. It takes a village to pack a bag.
The gathering phased lasted about 12 hours although there was some early Festivus celebrations thrown in with some occasional airing of grievances.
After the gathering phase, there’s the repacking phase, which overlaps quite intensely with the Airing of Grievances. Some was mutual and some was aimed at a particular in-law who no doubt earns the scorn.
We didn’t quite leave at our agreed upon time, but that’s just Christmas I guess.
I wish I were exaggerating what went down. It’s an annual tradition where all sanity breaks down. The worst 36 hours of every year.

We all understand. My belief is you just have to rise above it and not let that frustrating energy affect you. I mean, you know it’s coming, you can’t stop it or change it or affect it in any way. So just let it run its course while going about whatever it is you need to do.

But I feel like I live the specific description you gave on the reg for sure. But without the all hands part. You got this babe. You don’t need me to pack for you
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17 hours ago, KaiserSoze said:

There's something about packing that many people just cannot handle- it breaks their brains. I don't understand it, but it seems to be a real thing. My ex-wife had that issue, and I also know adult males who are dumb as fuck about that simple task as well. At this point I've resigned my disappointment with these kind of people as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (so long as it won't become my problem)

After 15 years of marriage we might have actually made some progress with this.  The division of labor has always been, she packs the bags, totes, etc. and I pack the vehicle. I pack my own bag, of course, and maybe the kids' too.  She packs her stuff and the food, supplies, etc. We're always rushing, so I would start to pack the vehicle before she was done packing the bags.  Rookie move.  You can't pack the vehicle until you have EVERYTHING packed.  Inevitably I would tetris the fuck out of the car and she'd bring me two more large containers that she "forgot."  I'd have to pull everything out and start over.  Would piss me off bigtime.  And, she refuses to use a fucking suitcase for her clothes and shoes.  She uses open faced bags where everything can easily spill out and they have to be packed open side up.  No matter how much I bitch and cajole she won't change.  Nowadays, I tell her that I'm not going to start packing the car until she has everything packed.  I've told her that it really better be everything because I'm going to be pissed if she brings out more shit after I'm almost done.  Works much better.  She still won't use a suitcase though.

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Last night, after my dad left and we were mellowing out at home, Maverick was on, and I switched over to it. My wife kind of rolled her eyes, and then confessed that she still hasn’t seen it. I said we’ll fix that.

She rolled her eyes the whole movie. She laughed at every callback to the original (crushing down the street with the girl on the back of the motorcycle, the beach sports scene, all of it).

They lay out the mission parameters with the canyon and such - “so…this is just Star Wars.” I said not true, the target here is THREE meters wide, not two.

Climactic escape sequence at the end…all is lost for Maverick and Rooster, wife says “Hangman will show up to save the day…yep, there he is.”

Movie wraps up, I’m grinning, she says “I’m so glad I never paid to see that in the theater. That was like a Hallmark movie made for 14 year old boys.”

So….yeah.

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On 12/16/2024 at 3:29 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

Question:  Does anyone else's wife do this?  Sex is going to happen, but she goes in the bathroom or the closet or both and fucks around and takes a long time to get to it?  It feels like she is intentionally making me wait.  Dragging it out because she knows she's got me on a string in that moment.  Anyone?

 

On 12/17/2024 at 1:46 AM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

That’s when you just wack it and fall asleep before she gets back

 

On 12/22/2024 at 7:36 PM, lilMAC25 said:

Mine does that, then acts like she never promised…

Damn, y'all young guys still struggling with this?

Correct action dictates that when the appointed time arrives, you simply say something like this:

"It's time, babe. You can go on to sleep, or read your Kindle, or watch a movie, or you can just watch, or join in and have a half-dozen screaming orgasms. Your choice... here we go."

It's important to make sure she understands that orgasms are like time-outs - they don't carry over to the second half, much less to the next game...

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Earlier my usually-foolproof ash vacuum produced a little bit of fine ash in the house when vacuuming out the fireplace. Wife complained, I said I would turn on the attic fan for a minute to clear it out. She said no, she “doesn’t want dust blown everywhere.”

Come to find out she thinks the attic fan blows *in* to the house. She is not accepting alternate takes on the topic.

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1 hour ago, Tex Long said:

 

 

Damn, y'all young guys still struggling with this?

Correct action dictates that when the appointed time arrives, you simply say something like this:

"It's time, babe. You can go on to sleep, or read your Kindle, or watch a movie, or you can just watch, or join in and have a half-dozen screaming orgasms. Your choice... here we go."

It's important to make sure she understands that orgasms are like time-outs - they don't carry over to the second half, much less to the next game...

Half dozen?  Niiiiiiice.

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3 hours ago, Tex Long said:

 

 

Damn, y'all young guys still struggling with this?

Correct action dictates that when the appointed time arrives, you simply say something like this:

"It's time, babe. You can go on to sleep, or read your Kindle, or watch a movie, or you can just watch, or join in and have a half-dozen screaming orgasms. Your choice... here we go."

It's important to make sure she understands that orgasms are like time-outs - they don't carry over to the second half, much less to the next game...

I didn’t say I’m out a luck, I said she tries to deny she promised.

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Extended family get together, we're bring mashed potatoes. Wife doesn't normally cook, because...reasons. 

 

Mrs. 0xdeadbeef: <puting 7 lbs of peeled and chopped potatoes into a pressure cooker.>

Me: Hon, that may be too much for the pressure cooker.

Mrs: No, they fit.

Me: Ok. Just be careful not to put the water over the Max line

Mrs: <enable irritated tone> I've got it. 

Me: ok. 

<a few hours later after returning from shopping>

Me: Dear, what's all the water on the counter ... and the floor?  uh, and under the cabinets?  

Mrs: That's from the pressure cooker.

Me: Ah. <note, this was not a question on my part>

Mrs: It started coming out when it was cooking, and then when it was done and I opened the valve it came out a lot.

 Me: Oh. <bite tongue> 

 

I fully expect that pressure cooker to be thrown out and a new 'working' one to be in its place. 

 

 

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3 minutes ago, lilMAC25 said:

I didn’t say I’m out a luck, I said she tries to deny she promised.

"Mine does that..." is the operative part, you're never outta luck if you've got (relatively) unarthritic hands. No need for sneakywhacking... hell, it's pretty good when she does decide to join in - it happens. 

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On 12/16/2024 at 1:29 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

Question:  Does anyone else's wife do this?  Sex is going to happen, but she goes in the bathroom or the closet or both and fucks around and takes a long time to get to it?  It feels like she is intentionally making me wait.  Dragging it out because she knows she's got me on a string in that moment.  Anyone?

I've had that happen, and I appreciated it at the time because I felt like she was trying to be at her best when she came to bed.  

Meanwhile, this GF is every bit as impatient as me.   I can be brushing my teeth and she's yelling "are you gonna fuck me or what?"

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What is this? A board full of rookies?

You never pack first, at least to her knowledge.  Of course I pack first, but that doesn't mean she has to know it.  It's like a fucking competition that she thinks she won.

My bag is stowed away in the closet, ready to grab once she's done.

"Gee honey, you beat me again, I just can't ever get done as early as you do."

If you sit around all day because you got your shit done and she knows it there's zero reason for her to hurry, because fuck you for being an asshole getting done first.  

Always let your lady finish first.

Edited by mulletpelini
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We are currently in Jamaica for vacation.  My wife’s normal M.O. is to lay her stuff on the bed late in the night, then after I wait and finally give up and go in telling her I need to get to sleep to get up early to catch the flight, I am the asshole and she moves it to the bathroom, makes lots of noise, leaves lights on and door open, then finishes packing around 2 am.

This trip she announces she is already packed at 6:30 pm.   Holy crap!  I try to praise her without being to effusive.

Any guess on who was up till 2 am packing her carry on and toiletries?  

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Mine travels for work, so she's awesome.  All cosmetics and hair stuff are duplicated and already in her suitcase.  Tootbrush, bras, panties, etc.   That's half the battle. 

On her birthday, I woke her up with coffee and said we're leaving for two days.  Bring a swimsuit, a cocktail outfit, and hiking stuff.  She's ready in 15. 

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