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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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1 hour ago, Gil Bang said:

Mine travels for work, so she's awesome.  All cosmetics and hair stuff are duplicated and already in her suitcase.  Tootbrush, bras, panties, etc.   That's half the battle. 

On her birthday, I woke her up with coffee and said we're leaving for two days.  Bring a swimsuit, a cocktail outfit, and hiking stuff.  She's ready in 15. 

Ever seen the Universal Hot Crazy matrix?  You either have a unicorn, or you may not want to leave the lights on during sex.

 

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4 hours ago, Gil Bang said:

I've had that happen, and I appreciated it at the time because I felt like she was trying to be at her best when she came to bed.  

Meanwhile, this GF is every bit as impatient as me.   I can be brushing my teeth and she's yelling "are you gonna fuck me or what?"

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3 hours ago, ABSR said:

We are currently in Jamaica for vacation.  My wife’s normal M.O. is to lay her stuff on the bed late in the night, then after I wait and finally give up and go in telling her I need to get to sleep to get up early to catch the flight, I am the asshole and she moves it to the bathroom, makes lots of noise, leaves lights on and door open, then finishes packing around 2 am.

This trip she announces she is already packed at 6:30 pm.   Holy crap!  I try to praise her without being to effusive.

Any guess on who was up till 2 am packing her carry on and toiletries?  

Packing to go home should take mere minutes. There is no guesswork. 

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11 hours ago, Tex Long said:

 

 

Damn, y'all young guys still struggling with this?

Correct action dictates that when the appointed time arrives, you simply say something like this:

"It's time, babe. You can go on to sleep, or read your Kindle, or watch a movie, or you can just watch, or join in and have a half-dozen screaming orgasms. Your choice... here we go."

It's important to make sure she understands that orgasms are like time-outs - they don't carry over to the second half, much less to the next game...

My wife is a sexual camel. A good, long, neighbor-waking moaning orgasm can last her a solid month.

Then I spend the next month in the desert thirsty AF.

Occasionally she’ll succumb to my advances, but it takes a whole day of perfect behavior on my end to get her wet  

 

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9 minutes ago, Superhero said:

My wife is a sexual camel. A good, long, neighbor-waking moaning orgasm can last her a solid month.

Then I spend the next month in the desert thirsty AF.

Occasionally she’ll succumb to my advances, but it takes a whole day of perfect behavior on my end to get her wet  

As Beavis might say, heh heh. You wrote "succumb". Heh heh. Heh heh heh. 

It seems like "succumb" could mean "opens her purse and lets me use my balls for a while".

 

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13 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

What is this? A board full of rookies?

You never pack first, at least to her knowledge.  Of course I pack first, but that doesn't mean she has to know it.  It's like a fucking competition that she thinks she won.

My bag is stowed away in the closet, ready to grab once she's done.

"Gee honey, you beat me again, I just can't ever get done as early as you do."

If you sit around all day because you got your shit done and she knows it there's zero reason for her to hurry, because fuck you for being an asshole getting done first.  

Always let your lady finish first.

You're still talking about sex, right? 

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My wife is really not this dumb….

last year I got her a peloton tread+, and she went deep end with running and has done 2 marathons. As a stocking stuffer I gave her one of those 26.2 stickers. And mostly other running stuff. She pulled out the sticker and said “oh what do these even m…” and then this look of dawning realization came over her and she said “OHHHHH!”

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On 12/27/2024 at 3:04 PM, Tex Long said:

"My bag is stowed away in the closet" gives it away.

Username does not check out……

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Shurgging
 

Spoiler

Shurgging

The act of inserting your testicles along with your penis in a woman's vagina and having intercourse. Fucking a woman with your balls. I imagine you can do this anally as well (a with a man), but that should have another name.

His cock wasn't big enough to satisfly her so he inserted his balls and started shurgging the hell out of her.

 

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18 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

How do you even know that?  

I was wondering the same. Never heard of it, and it seems like a highly unlikely thing to discover by accident.

I mean, first you have to get your dick the rest of the way in, if it's even possible for the length to be accommodated, and after that you're looking at needing scrotal girth to be likewise accommodated. Maybe be possible if your partner is a mother of twelve, but... well, whatever.

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On 12/30/2024 at 2:11 PM, Dnaguy said:

Username does not check out……

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Shurgging
 

  Reveal hidden contents

Shurgging

The act of inserting your testicles along with your penis in a woman's vagina and having intercourse. Fucking a woman with your balls. I imagine you can do this anally as well (a with a man), but that should have another name.

His cock wasn't big enough to satisfly her so he inserted his balls and started shurgging the hell out of her.

 

image.thumb.jpeg.f5b4777f7bda4ad4998a9d5ba547985a.jpeg

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My wife is a sexual camel. A good, long, neighbor-waking moaning orgasm can last her a solid month.
Then I spend the next month in the desert thirsty AF.
Occasionally she’ll succumb to my advances, but it takes a whole day of perfect behavior on my end to get her wet  
 

12 years ago when I was fucking the ass off my then gf every 2 hours and people made comments like this I would think “ha ha ha you poor bastards that will never happen to me.”

Then men-pause or whatever the fuck it's called happened.

Now all I have is a fist bump and a “I feel ya bro”
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On 12/31/2024 at 8:15 PM, BearSchlong said:


12 years ago when I was fucking the ass off my then gf every 2 hours and people made comments like this I would think “ha ha ha you poor bastards that will never happen to me.”

Then men-pause or whatever the fuck it's called happened.

Now all I have is a fist bump and a “I feel ya bro”

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4 minutes ago, Party_Taco said:

After hitting 35S the other day the wife announces that she forgot our child’s training potty. I remind her that the destination family had a child the same age who is also potty training, so they were sure to have one.

Wife insists on calling to confirm but gets no answer, so then insists that she couldn’t possibly use someone else’s potty…

We turn around and drive 15 mins home to get the potty, but not before she spends an extra 10 minutes in the house doing god knows what…

Anyway, we arrive at our destination to find they have 4 training potties… our child doesn’t use theirs, or ours, and just shits her pants at the end of the night. emoji29.pngemoji379.png

Not sure which is worse to have: small kids or a wife 

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On 1/2/2025 at 6:35 PM, Party_Taco said:

After hitting 35S the other day the wife announces that she forgot our child’s training potty. I remind her that the destination family had a child the same age who is also potty training, so they were sure to have one.

Wife insists on calling to confirm but gets no answer, so then insists that she couldn’t possibly use someone else’s potty…

We turn around and drive 15 mins home to get the potty, but not before she spends an extra 10 minutes in the house doing god knows what…

Anyway, we arrive at our destination to find they have 4 training potties… our child doesn’t use theirs, or ours, and just shits her pants at the end of the night. emoji29.pngemoji379.png

If there was ever a time that a username checked out...this is it.  

What a brilliant tale of woe, you poor bastard.  Cheers!

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