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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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1 hour ago, Gil Bang said:

Mine travels for work, so she's awesome.  All cosmetics and hair stuff are duplicated and already in her suitcase.  Tootbrush, bras, panties, etc.   That's half the battle. 

On her birthday, I woke her up with coffee and said we're leaving for two days.  Bring a swimsuit, a cocktail outfit, and hiking stuff.  She's ready in 15. 

Ever seen the Universal Hot Crazy matrix?  You either have a unicorn, or you may not want to leave the lights on during sex.

 

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4 hours ago, Gil Bang said:

I've had that happen, and I appreciated it at the time because I felt like she was trying to be at her best when she came to bed.  

Meanwhile, this GF is every bit as impatient as me.   I can be brushing my teeth and she's yelling "are you gonna fuck me or what?"

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3 hours ago, ABSR said:

We are currently in Jamaica for vacation.  My wife’s normal M.O. is to lay her stuff on the bed late in the night, then after I wait and finally give up and go in telling her I need to get to sleep to get up early to catch the flight, I am the asshole and she moves it to the bathroom, makes lots of noise, leaves lights on and door open, then finishes packing around 2 am.

This trip she announces she is already packed at 6:30 pm.   Holy crap!  I try to praise her without being to effusive.

Any guess on who was up till 2 am packing her carry on and toiletries?  

Packing to go home should take mere minutes. There is no guesswork. 

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11 hours ago, Tex Long said:

 

 

Damn, y'all young guys still struggling with this?

Correct action dictates that when the appointed time arrives, you simply say something like this:

"It's time, babe. You can go on to sleep, or read your Kindle, or watch a movie, or you can just watch, or join in and have a half-dozen screaming orgasms. Your choice... here we go."

It's important to make sure she understands that orgasms are like time-outs - they don't carry over to the second half, much less to the next game...

My wife is a sexual camel. A good, long, neighbor-waking moaning orgasm can last her a solid month.

Then I spend the next month in the desert thirsty AF.

Occasionally she’ll succumb to my advances, but it takes a whole day of perfect behavior on my end to get her wet  

 

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9 minutes ago, Superhero said:

My wife is a sexual camel. A good, long, neighbor-waking moaning orgasm can last her a solid month.

Then I spend the next month in the desert thirsty AF.

Occasionally she’ll succumb to my advances, but it takes a whole day of perfect behavior on my end to get her wet  

As Beavis might say, heh heh. You wrote "succumb". Heh heh. Heh heh heh. 

It seems like "succumb" could mean "opens her purse and lets me use my balls for a while".

 

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13 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

What is this? A board full of rookies?

You never pack first, at least to her knowledge.  Of course I pack first, but that doesn't mean she has to know it.  It's like a fucking competition that she thinks she won.

My bag is stowed away in the closet, ready to grab once she's done.

"Gee honey, you beat me again, I just can't ever get done as early as you do."

If you sit around all day because you got your shit done and she knows it there's zero reason for her to hurry, because fuck you for being an asshole getting done first.  

Always let your lady finish first.

You're still talking about sex, right? 

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My wife is really not this dumb….

last year I got her a peloton tread+, and she went deep end with running and has done 2 marathons. As a stocking stuffer I gave her one of those 26.2 stickers. And mostly other running stuff. She pulled out the sticker and said “oh what do these even m…” and then this look of dawning realization came over her and she said “OHHHHH!”

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On 12/27/2024 at 3:04 PM, Tex Long said:

"My bag is stowed away in the closet" gives it away.

Username does not check out……

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Shurgging
 

Spoiler

Shurgging

The act of inserting your testicles along with your penis in a woman's vagina and having intercourse. Fucking a woman with your balls. I imagine you can do this anally as well (a with a man), but that should have another name.

His cock wasn't big enough to satisfly her so he inserted his balls and started shurgging the hell out of her.

 

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18 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

How do you even know that?  

I was wondering the same. Never heard of it, and it seems like a highly unlikely thing to discover by accident.

I mean, first you have to get your dick the rest of the way in, if it's even possible for the length to be accommodated, and after that you're looking at needing scrotal girth to be likewise accommodated. Maybe be possible if your partner is a mother of twelve, but... well, whatever.

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On 12/30/2024 at 2:11 PM, Dnaguy said:

Username does not check out……

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Shurgging
 

  Reveal hidden contents

Shurgging

The act of inserting your testicles along with your penis in a woman's vagina and having intercourse. Fucking a woman with your balls. I imagine you can do this anally as well (a with a man), but that should have another name.

His cock wasn't big enough to satisfly her so he inserted his balls and started shurgging the hell out of her.

 

image.thumb.jpeg.f5b4777f7bda4ad4998a9d5ba547985a.jpeg

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My wife is a sexual camel. A good, long, neighbor-waking moaning orgasm can last her a solid month.
Then I spend the next month in the desert thirsty AF.
Occasionally she’ll succumb to my advances, but it takes a whole day of perfect behavior on my end to get her wet  
 

12 years ago when I was fucking the ass off my then gf every 2 hours and people made comments like this I would think “ha ha ha you poor bastards that will never happen to me.”

Then men-pause or whatever the fuck it's called happened.

Now all I have is a fist bump and a “I feel ya bro”
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On 12/31/2024 at 8:15 PM, BearSchlong said:


12 years ago when I was fucking the ass off my then gf every 2 hours and people made comments like this I would think “ha ha ha you poor bastards that will never happen to me.”

Then men-pause or whatever the fuck it's called happened.

Now all I have is a fist bump and a “I feel ya bro”

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4 minutes ago, Party_Taco said:

After hitting 35S the other day the wife announces that she forgot our child’s training potty. I remind her that the destination family had a child the same age who is also potty training, so they were sure to have one.

Wife insists on calling to confirm but gets no answer, so then insists that she couldn’t possibly use someone else’s potty…

We turn around and drive 15 mins home to get the potty, but not before she spends an extra 10 minutes in the house doing god knows what…

Anyway, we arrive at our destination to find they have 4 training potties… our child doesn’t use theirs, or ours, and just shits her pants at the end of the night. emoji29.pngemoji379.png

Not sure which is worse to have: small kids or a wife 

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On 1/2/2025 at 6:35 PM, Party_Taco said:

After hitting 35S the other day the wife announces that she forgot our child’s training potty. I remind her that the destination family had a child the same age who is also potty training, so they were sure to have one.

Wife insists on calling to confirm but gets no answer, so then insists that she couldn’t possibly use someone else’s potty…

We turn around and drive 15 mins home to get the potty, but not before she spends an extra 10 minutes in the house doing god knows what…

Anyway, we arrive at our destination to find they have 4 training potties… our child doesn’t use theirs, or ours, and just shits her pants at the end of the night. emoji29.pngemoji379.png

If there was ever a time that a username checked out...this is it.  

What a brilliant tale of woe, you poor bastard.  Cheers!

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On 1/4/2025 at 2:28 PM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

On our way to Broken Bow and truck is loaded down. We have one of my coolers full of food in the bed of the truck.
Kids get hungry so we stop at WB. Wife gets all the burgers with no cheese. Why you ask? So I could dig my cooler out of the fully loaded bed so she can get 3 slices of cheese after spending $35.

Its like I'm looking into a mirror.

Except my wife would have also struggled to get some free fries or some shit on the app and we would have to pull over to the side of the drivethru while she futzed with her phone.

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3 hours ago, huge said:

Its like I'm looking into a mirror.

Except my wife would have also struggled to get some free fries or some shit on the app and we would have to pull over to the side of the drivethru while she futzed with her phone.

That was part of the process as well.  She was trying to get some free fries and the app wouldn't work so we had to go in.  

 

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41 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

That was part of the process as well.  She was trying to get some free fries and the app wouldn't work so we had to go in.  

 

Yessssssssssssss

every fucking time

 

My wife caters for work a lot so we have money all over town.   But it's often a hassle to use the free money.

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On 1/4/2025 at 7:45 AM, hullabelew said:

I bought an additional Eero wifi extender. Already had two, but trying to fix one dead spot. Discover one I had in a hallway was missing.

Me: You know what happened to that thing that was plugged in the.plug in the upstairs hallway?
Her: You mean that night light?
Me: well, it did have a light on it, so yes.
Her: I threw it away. It was ugly. I bought a new light, just haven't plugged it in. I think you will like it.
Me: I'm sure I will.
 

They don’t have the beacon anymore, so I guess you’ll have to get one of those stupid cupcake looking extenders. 

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On 1/2/2025 at 4:35 PM, Party_Taco said:

After hitting 35S the other day the wife announces that she forgot our child’s training potty. I remind her that the destination family had a child the same age who is also potty training, so they were sure to have one.

Wife insists on calling to confirm but gets no answer, so then insists that she couldn’t possibly use someone else’s potty…

We turn around and drive 15 mins home to get the potty, but not before she spends an extra 10 minutes in the house doing god knows what…

Anyway, we arrive at our destination to find they have 4 training potties… our child doesn’t use theirs, or ours, and just shits her pants at the end of the night. emoji29.pngemoji379.png

what's her surly handle?

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On 1/9/2025 at 7:23 AM, huge said:

Its like I'm looking into a mirror.

Except my wife would have also struggled to get some free fries or some shit on the app and we would have to pull over to the side of the drivethru while she futzed with her phone.

Brother...?

Roadtrip, kids wanted McDonalds.  She is dead set on using app for the freebies.  Gets the order set up and we pull into the drive-thru and provide the order code.   After a noticeable delay they say pull to second window.  They start to hand me an order that isn't close to what we wanted.  After a few minutes of arguing with the attendant that I did not order a single Big Mac meal for a family of five the manager arrived and informed us the wife had ordered on the app at the McDonalds location across town and we would need to go there.   I did not engage in the 30-45 min detour that would have entailed.

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2 hours ago, Incredulity said:

Brother...?

Roadtrip, kids wanted McDonalds.  She is dead set on using app for the freebies.  Gets the order set up and we pull into the drive-thru and provide the order code.   After a noticeable delay they say pull to second window.  They start to hand me an order that isn't close to what we wanted.  After a few minutes of arguing with the attendant that I did not order a single Big Mac meal for a family of five the manager arrived and informed us the wife had ordered on the app at the McDonalds location across town and we would need to go there.   I did not engage in the 30-45 min detour that would have entailed.

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Going back a couple of weeks...

Christmas Eve.  6:30 PM.  I'm almost an entire bottle of wine in and comfortably watching A Christmas Story.  Parents show up to open presents.  First I'm hearing of this, but fine.

Wife: Can you go get the tamales?

Me: What are you talking about?

Wife: I ordered a dozen tamales from *local Mexican restaurant*.

Me: I'm almost to the bottom of this bottle of wine, it's raining, and I seriously doubt this place is still open.  Did they call you?

Wife: No.

Me: I'm 100% positive this place isn't open right now.

Mom: Fine.  I'll go get it.  I can't believe you'd make your mom drive in the rain.  I'm so sick and tired of you and your brother @Jameslaw121 drinking all the time.

Narrator:  We don't.

Me taking the high road as I pass my wife going up the stairs to get dressed:  Thanks for ruining Christmas!!!

It all worked out.  Everyone ended up apologizing.  But, I'm still perplexed by the, "I hope our tamales are ready and waiting for us at 6:30PM on Christmas Eve.

 

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43 minutes ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

I'm so sick and tired of you and your brother @Jameslaw121 drinking all the time.

Narrator:  We don't.

 

My wife rolled her eyes at me last night when I brought home a 6 pack to watch the Orange Bowl with. She would have an aneurysm if she knew how much I drank on a daily basis 15 years ago. 

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Well, I made a solid recovery from the asshole zone. Admittedly, the whole thing is probably my fault as I left my wife unsupervised.

About 2 months ago, she proudly ordered a measuring cup for our dogs' food on Amazon. I didn't really think anything of it, as we have two dogs: one gets 1 cup of food per meal, the other gets two cups of food per meal. Our current solution has been to use a red Solo cup until it ultimately self destructs, and we replace it with another one, so I fully supported this purchase.

Before Christmas, my wife informs me that the measuring cup isn't expected to arrive until after Christmas, as it's coming from the UK. This should have raised some flags, but I let it go.

Today, the long anticipated day arrived and she showed me the measuring cup:

Screenshot2025-01-10at3_27_31PM.png.a3ea278dee578768091136f7df5f7ccb.png

I started laughing as soon as I saw it, which immediately led to her getting upset and telling me that she figured we could use it for other things like measuring food in the kitchen. I held off on the obvious issue with not wanting my food being measured with the same device we use for dog food. I was able to take the edge off with some kind words and affection.

Needless to say, I ordered this today:

Screenshot2025-01-10at3_32_15PM.png.b0b5125bc53afaca9cb1c6f377ca3442.png

It arrives tomorrow.

 

 

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26 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

Seems like the solo cup was a perfectly viable option 

The point can be argued, but I wasn't complaining about her choice for a permanent solution as:

1) the Solo cups are stored nowhere close to the dog food bin

2) the Solo cups are replaced by the same person that is responsible for taking out the garbage and the recycling

There's literally a shredded Solo cup sitting in the bin, now. I've held off on replacing it in anticipation of this epic solution.

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