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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


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46 minutes ago, NYTransplant said:

I held off on the obvious issue with not wanting my food being measured with the same device we use for dog food.

Needless to say, I ordered this today:

Do y'all really not have old measuring cups laying around?  I have a whole drawer full of shitty kitchen stuff that's been replaced by good kitchen stuff just waiting to be used for something other than my food.  And ordered?  You know the grocery store has those you can just pick up the next time you're there, yes?

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3 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Going back a couple of weeks...

Christmas Eve.  6:30 PM.  I'm almost an entire bottle of wine in and comfortably watching A Christmas Story.  Parents show up to open presents.  First I'm hearing of this, but fine.

Wife: Can you go get the tamales?

Me: What are you talking about?

Wife: I ordered a dozen tamales from *local Mexican restaurant*.

Me: I'm almost to the bottom of this bottle of wine, it's raining, and I seriously doubt this place is still open.  Did they call you?

Wife: No.

Me: I'm 100% positive this place isn't open right now.

Mom: Fine.  I'll go get it.  I can't believe you'd make your mom drive in the rain.  I'm so sick and tired of you and your brother @Jameslaw121 drinking all the time.

Narrator:  We don't.

Me taking the high road as I pass my wife going up the stairs to get dressed:  Thanks for ruining Christmas!!!

It all worked out.  Everyone ended up apologizing.  But, I'm still perplexed by the, "I hope our tamales are ready and waiting for us at 6:30PM on Christmas Eve.

 

But... were they open? Did you get tamales.

2 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

My wife rolled her eyes at me last night when I brought home a 6 pack to watch the Orange Bowl with. She would have an aneurysm if she knew how much I drank on a daily basis 15 years ago. 

Same. I rarely drink on a worknight anymore unless there is something going on. And it's usually just wine. 

When we were dating, she heard wild stories from my friends, but didn't really believe them. Or at least thought they were exaggerated. But, one time, back when I worked 60-70 hours a week, I was randomly off, I told her I had a bottle of whiskey I have been wanting to open. Told her I would just come over to her house after lunch and wait for her to get home from work. Sip on some whiskey until she got home.

Morgan Freeman voice "He did not sip."

She thought it was funny. But, she does take my phone away during whiskey UT games....

Edited by Jameslaw121
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1 hour ago, NorthLoop said:

These usually also work well for long term dog food distribution 

s-l1200.jpg

My wife is one of those people who always brings home any type of plastic cups. Since we have two kids, we literally get like 3-4 of these a week. 

Used to annoy me. Then I found out that I had dog food cups, tooth brush holders ect.. that I replace about every two weeks

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1 hour ago, Mittens said:

Do y'all really not have old measuring cups laying around?  I have a whole drawer full of shitty kitchen stuff that's been replaced by good kitchen stuff just waiting to be used for something other than my food.  And ordered?  You know the grocery store has those you can just pick up the next time you're there, yes?

Moved into our new place in July, so we haven't had a chance to acquire the "second set of" stuff. Yeah, HEB would have been a totally viable solution as well.

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12 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

So they were good 3 day old tamales?

Tamales can last a long time as long as they are properly stored*

 

 

*wrapped in foil that is coated in red grease and wrapped in a shit quality plastic bag (grease is the key protector)

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21 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

I feel like tamales actually get better after a few days, sort of like chili. The flavors get to develop and mix more.

Tamales, chili, lasagna, stews, casserole

Food dishes with multiple or complex components largely seem to fall in line with this reality. Few exceptions but.. 

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12 years ago when I was fucking the ass off my then gf every 2 hours and people made comments like this I would think “ha ha ha you poor bastards that will never happen to me.”

Then men-pause or whatever the fuck it's called happened.

Now all I have is a fist bump and a “I feel ya bro”

Yeah…flip that script. When we had young kids, wifely libido was not great. May of 2020- seriously, I can pretty much pinpoint it - a menopause-ish shift happened….and damn. I had a hard time keeping up with her for a while there. Was a nice later in life transition.
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The whole point was to leave the scoop in with the dog food. I'll let you guess how many times the Solo cups get washed.

My wife’s dumb ass Bassett Hound will “counter serf” searching for chips, bread, or basically anything within reach while we’re at work. I tell her constantly that we’re not feeding him enough b/t 5:30-6, prior to leaving for work.

I get home first and usually have to clean up the crime scene, so upon her arrival she just says he must have been hungry. Like no shit, at least I ain’t cleaning that up! How about he’s just a dumb ass Basset and that’s what they do?

Hook’em!!!
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2 hours ago, Nuge said:

Can you post video evidence of a basset hound getting up on the counter?  

I think you misunderstand the meaning of "counter surfing".

In my experience, ranging from Bassets and Beagles to Labs and Standard Poodles - including just plain mutts - your Dog stands on his hind legs, hooks his nose and muzzle over the edge of the counter, starting at one end and toddling to the other end, snuffling vigorously. Move to another counter or table top, repeat. In the event anything palatable is found, slurp at it until it falls onto the floor or moves too far back to slurp. Cats frequently assist by throwing things off the counter or table, or at least pushing them closer to the edge.

 

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15 hours ago, Tex Long said:

I think you misunderstand the meaning of "counter surfing".

In my experience, ranging from Bassets and Beagles to Labs and Standard Poodles - including just plain mutts - your Dog stands on his hind legs, hooks his nose and muzzle over the edge of the counter, starting at one end and toddling to the other end, snuffling vigorously. Move to another counter or table top, repeat. In the event anything palatable is found, slurp at it until it falls onto the floor or moves too far back to slurp. Cats frequently assist by throwing things off the counter or table, or at least pushing them closer to the edge.

 

My dog isn't tall enough to see what's on the counter, but he knows the exact spot where it is and will stand up against the cabinet whining until we throw it away or give him a bite. 

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1 minute ago, NorthLoop said:

My dog isn't tall enough to see what's on the counter, but he knows the exact spot where it is and will stand up against the cabinet whining until we throw it away or give him a bite. 

Miz Long has Elvis, who is alleged to be a Basset and Italian Greyhound mix, but looks like a Jack Russell on stilts (I'm doubting the Basset ancestry). He's tall enough to get his nose (and tongue) to the edge of the counters and counter-height table. If we're careless enough to leave a chair pulled out, it's a precarious two jumps to true surfing. I'm considering an investment into a dog-size mouse trap.

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16 hours ago, Tex Long said:

I think you misunderstand the meaning of "counter surfing".

In my experience, ranging from Bassets and Beagles to Labs and Standard Poodles - including just plain mutts - your Dog stands on his hind legs, hooks his nose and muzzle over the edge of the counter, starting at one end and toddling to the other end, snuffling vigorously. Move to another counter or table top, repeat. In the event anything palatable is found, slurp at it until it falls onto the floor or moves too far back to slurp. Cats frequently assist by throwing things off the counter or table, or at least pushing them closer to the edge.

 

I guess I was picturing something more like this -

melstove.JPG

I would still like to see video of the actual transition from floor to countertop though.  Good for a few laughs.

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We have a daughter in Girls Scouts. So Girl Scout cookies.

Her : "Its taking forever to get the Cookie Mom to send me my cookies."

Me (trying to stay as far away from this as fucking possible and also wondering WTF a Cookie Mom was) "Yeah, I'm sorry. But...what does the Cookie Mom do???"

Her : "She gets the cookies to the parents, so they can deliver them."

Me (Obviously disappointed with that answer)" Oh bummer, what's the hold up?"  (Thinking full well that any logistical problems will soon become me and cookie mom's husbands problems).

Her : "Her husband has been in the ICU for five days."

ME (thinking, welp, nope this just became my problem didn't it) "Well, I think that's a fucking good excuse."

 

.............

TLDR

I have 40 cartoons of girl scout cookies in my office if anyone wants to buy them

Adrienne's Girl Scout Pyramid Scheme

?context=bWFzdGVyfHVwbG9hZGVkUGhvdG98MTg

 

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20 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

I have 40 cartoons of girl scout cookies in my office if anyone wants to buy them

I love cartoons. Never tried cartoon cookies though.

My wife was the Cookie Mom. Boxes in the garage for weeks while they all got handed out. It was too tempting for me. I gained 10 pounds every year.

 

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I once watched my ex literally chew out our cookie mom up one side and down the other in her garage for not doing whatever right. Completely atrocious. After refusing to not once in 5 years volunteer as cookie mom.

I don’t miss that woman at all.

The ex I mean. The cookie mom was fine. 

Edited by tbone_
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48 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

We have a daughter in Girls Scouts. So Girl Scout cookies.

Her : "Its taking forever to get the Cookie Mom to send me my cookies."

Me (trying to stay as far away from this as fucking possible and also wondering WTF a Cookie Mom was) "Yeah, I'm sorry. But...what does the Cookie Mom do???"

Her : "She gets the cookies to the parents, so they can deliver them."

Me (Obviously disappointed with that answer)" Oh bummer, what's the hold up?"  (Thinking full well that any logistical problems will soon become me and cookie mom's husbands problems).

Her : "Her husband has been in the ICU for five days."

ME (thinking, welp, nope this just became my problem didn't it) "Well, I think that's a fucking good excuse."

 

.............

TLDR

I have 40 cartoons of girl scout cookies in my office if anyone wants to buy them

Adrienne's Girl Scout Pyramid Scheme

?context=bWFzdGVyfHVwbG9hZGVkUGhvdG98MTg

 

My ex volunteered to be Cookie Mom one year when my daughter was in Girl Scouts. Guess who got volunteered to drive/load/unload the multiple trips to the cookie warehouse?

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28 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

I once watched my ex literally chew out our cookie mom up one side and down the other in her garage for not doing whatever right. Completely atrocious. After refusing to not once in 5 years volunteer as cookie mom.

I don’t miss that woman at all.

The ex I mean. The cookie mom was fine. 

Go on.....

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1 hour ago, Jameslaw121 said:

We have a daughter in Girls Scouts. So Girl Scout cookies.

Her : "Its taking forever to get the Cookie Mom to send me my cookies."

Me (trying to stay as far away from this as fucking possible and also wondering WTF a Cookie Mom was) "Yeah, I'm sorry. But...what does the Cookie Mom do???"

Her : "She gets the cookies to the parents, so they can deliver them."

Me (Obviously disappointed with that answer)" Oh bummer, what's the hold up?"  (Thinking full well that any logistical problems will soon become me and cookie mom's husbands problems).

Her : "Her husband has been in the ICU for five days."

ME (thinking, welp, nope this just became my problem didn't it) "Well, I think that's a fucking good excuse."

 

.............

TLDR

I have 40 cartoons of girl scout cookies in my office if anyone wants to buy them

Adrienne's Girl Scout Pyramid Scheme

?context=bWFzdGVyfHVwbG9hZGVkUGhvdG98MTg

 

You could always go to the ICU for five days.  Problem solved.

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2 hours ago, Js1 said:

My beagle/basset mix can get anything on the counter.  For having stubby legs, he has a long body.  He's like a slinky that stretches, I have no idea how he gets things off it when I am not home.  

Had a Basset in high school and one time that dog nabbed hot baked potatoes wrapped in foil off the counter.  Devoured in seconds flat.

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On 1/10/2025 at 3:33 PM, NYTransplant said:

Well, I made a solid recovery from the asshole zone. Admittedly, the whole thing is probably my fault as I left my wife unsupervised.

About 2 months ago, she proudly ordered a measuring cup for our dogs' food on Amazon. I didn't really think anything of it, as we have two dogs: one gets 1 cup of food per meal, the other gets two cups of food per meal. Our current solution has been to use a red Solo cup until it ultimately self destructs, and we replace it with another one, so I fully supported this purchase.

Before Christmas, my wife informs me that the measuring cup isn't expected to arrive until after Christmas, as it's coming from the UK. This should have raised some flags, but I let it go.

Today, the long anticipated day arrived and she showed me the measuring cup:

Screenshot2025-01-10at3_27_31PM.png.a3ea278dee578768091136f7df5f7ccb.png

I started laughing as soon as I saw it, which immediately led to her getting upset and telling me that she figured we could use it for other things like measuring food in the kitchen. I held off on the obvious issue with not wanting my food being measured with the same device we use for dog food. I was able to take the edge off with some kind words and affection.

Needless to say, I ordered this today:

Screenshot2025-01-10at3_32_15PM.png.b0b5125bc53afaca9cb1c6f377ca3442.png

It arrives tomorrow.

 

 

You think you can teach her the metric system?

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2 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Had a Basset in high school and one time that dog nabbed hot baked potatoes wrapped in foil off the counter.  Devoured in seconds flat.

We had a short, fat beagle (is there any other kind?) as our kids’ childhood dog. Super sweet but intensely devious when it came to food. 

She shouldn’t have been able to reach the counter, but somehow she could. She once grabbed four full packages of Hawaiian rolls from the counter and got them outside before we knew it.  On more than one occasion (including the Hawaiian rolls escapade) I had to squirt hydrogen peroxide down her gullet to get her to vomit so she didn’t kill herself from gorging. She rifled through all my daughters’ teenage friends purses more than once for mints, lipsticks, gum, and feminine products.

Our current Goldie is somewhere on the spectrum (is there any other kind?), but not nearly as food driven. Things on the counter are safe. I can leave food on the coffee table, go to the bathroom, come back and it’s untouched. Once cup of food in the morning, one in the evening. That’s it.  Same food, day after day, after week, after month, after year. She’s always just as excited. 

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My “wife’s” Bassett counter surfs and will/can grab anything within 4-6” of the counter edge, when he desires to do so, especially if left alone. Long body and neck, as well as a considerable snout makes for quality counter surfing tools, to go with teeth to grab stuff.

He usually takes loaves of bread, English muffins sleeve, or etc that we left too close to the edge while trying to leave in the AM. He ate a whole pack of Hawaiian rolls the morning of T-Day. He once got to a freshly delivered pizza that for some reason both the wife and I left the kitchen and joining living room.

If he “knows” that food is there, you better push it as far back as possible, as even our island is the same height as the counters. We now place pizza in the oven for storage prior to putting the leftovers in the fridge.
All this, even if he had just eaten his own food!

Hook’em!!!

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On 1/15/2025 at 2:49 PM, Jameslaw121 said:

I have 40 cartoons of girl scout cookies in my office if anyone wants to buy them

Adrienne's Girl Scout Pyramid Scheme

?context=bWFzdGVyfHVwbG9hZGVkUGhvdG98MTg

 

$6 per box?

Damn inflation. Cookies were $5 per box for the 4 years my daughter sold them.

 

So glad we're I'm done with selling cookies. But now I need a local hookup. Anyone know of any young girls I can bother?

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