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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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RamjetFDO

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G650

G650 14263

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18 hours ago, Landomatic said:

We have a double sink in the kitchen.  Pretty standard...one big sink with a divider in the middle to create 2 separate sides.  One side has a garbage disposal, the other side has a regular drain.  No matter how much I tell her, my wife seems to think that both sides have a garbage disposal.  Rinses large chunks of food off in whatever side she damn well feels like.  Drives me fucking crazy.

I recommend going ahead and getting one of the drain cleaning jet bladders now. I had to break my out last week.

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gyroprotagonist

gyroprotagonist 2594

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On 4/7/2018 at 2:12 PM, Nivek said:

Kids have T-ball game at 9AM.

8:15 AM -Wife decides to take a shower at 8:15, and then is annoyed I told her to hurry up.

8:35 AM - Wife begins the 20 minute process of getting our daughter's hair brushed out

8:36 AM - I grab the girl, give her a pony tail and take the two kids to the game.  

9:15 AM - Wife arrives to the game.

 

truth.  we arrive to most games in separate cars. 

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1965

Posted
Posted
On 4/7/2018 at 10:09 AM, Bobby_Batronic said:

Mine has this fascinating habit of almost getting things where they need to be. For example, there’ll be a pile of clothes next to a half empty hamper. The recycling/garbage bag will make it to the garage and next to the bins/cans, used diapers end up on the table next to the diaper pail. 

I cant decide if she’s being lazy, losing her mind with two toddlers or f’ing with me. 

Are you me?  Seriously, are you really me?

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GhostRider

GhostRider 169

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Posted
On 4/7/2018 at 10:53 AM, Equinox said:

Dragging this over from the old board.

 

My mancave gets warmer than any other room in the house. Likely because I have two computers going. I also have a couple of tube guitar amplifiers that stay on if I'm noodling around on guitar. The window also faces south, so the sun is on it for a large part of the day.  I have a small fan in there circulating air, and where I sit it's comfortable.

The room is also right next to the HVAC closet, so I usually keep the vent barely open because whether the heater or AC is on, the room gets blasted.

On the rare occasions when the hag walks into the room, she'll always comment on how warm it is. This conversation is especially popular during that time of year when we're not running the heater or AC.

HAG- Godammit it's hot in this room.

ME- Eh, it feels okay at my desk. I have this fan blowing, and.......

HAG- You should open that vent.

ME- It is open a little. Is the AC running?

HAG- No.

ME- Well, then how is opening the vent more going to help?

HAG- Tone.

 

I bet we've had this exact same conversation 20 times over the past few years.

I feel your pain, but I really hope I never reach the point to where I'm referring to my wife as "the hag".

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1965

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Flg8rfan said:


I think we’re all married to the same woman. Does she also have 15 different locations where she puts unopened mail?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh God!  He is me!  And so are you!  Is this whole message board just some manifestation of my multiple personality disorder?  It's all so clear now!

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HOOKEM4

HOOKEM4 5037

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Posted
14 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

For those of you keeping score at home: bolt cutter 1, lock 0. I bought a new much smaller lock that is idiot proof until some idiot misplaces the key. 

If you haven't already made a copy to keep in your safe that only you have access to, you are going to be using those bolt cutters again within the week.

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deadshank

deadshank 24653

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Posted
On 4/5/2018 at 1:30 PM, pearlandhorn said:

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.

Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

Is your wife married?  Asking for a friend. 

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11050

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Fifteen minutes after arriving at work, I get a phone call. Her car has a flat. Its parked at the kids' school, school says its ok to leave where it is. She's going to Uber to work, can I "take care of it"?

I leave work, drive to the kids' school, park my car, walk to her car, open the hatch, trash blows out, diet coke bottles roll out, and there is a fuck ton of shit in the cargo area that I have to unload before I can get to the spare. List includes:

  • Two recycle bins full of recycling that has been in there  for a week (Oh, I'll take the recycling tomorrow during lunch).
  • Yoga mat
  • Briefcase so full of shit it won't close
  • Work out bag
  • Kids books and other misc kid shit that just piles up in the back seat, and she "cleans out" by throwing into the cargo area
  • Misc trash, junk mail, empty diet coke bottles, etc. (I wonder about the junk mail. Does she check the mail, then if its junk, throw it all the way into the cargo area? wtf? Same with empty diet coke bottles?

It took me longer to unload all that crap than it did to change the tire. Fuck.

 

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Buffsoldier

Buffsoldier 1895

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Posted
2 hours ago, Landomatic said:

My wife is not familiar with the concept of lights having an off switch.  Ever.  God forbid I throw a bottle or can in the trash and don’t recycle it.  But when it comes to saving on electricity, which will actually save us money...

That's because it's not her money that's being wasted. It's yours.

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HornOnTheBayou

HornOnTheBayou 8931

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Posted
8 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Fifteen minutes after arriving at work, I get a phone call. Her car has a flat. Its parked at the kids' school, school says its ok to leave where it is. She's going to Uber to work, can I "take care of it"?

I leave work, drive to the kids' school, park my car, walk to her car, open the hatch, trash blows out, diet coke bottles roll out, and there is a fuck ton of shit in the cargo area that I have to unload before I can get to the spare. List includes:

  • Two recycle bins full of recycling that has been in there  for a week (Oh, I'll take the recycling tomorrow during lunch).
  • Yoga mat
  • Briefcase so full of shit it won't close
  • Work out bag
  • Kids books and other misc kid shit that just piles up in the back seat, and she "cleans out" by throwing into the cargo area
  • Misc trash, junk mail, empty diet coke bottles, etc. (I wonder about the junk mail. Does she check the mail, then if its junk, throw it all the way into the cargo area? wtf? Same with empty diet coke bottles?

It took me longer to unload all that crap than it did to change the tire. Fuck.

 

I think you opened my wife's car by mistake.

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GSU&UT

GSU&UT 1798

Posted
Posted
Fifteen minutes after arriving at work, I get a phone call. Her car has a flat. Its parked at the kids' school, school says its ok to leave where it is. She's going to Uber to work, can I "take care of it"?
I leave work, drive to the kids' school, park my car, walk to her car, open the hatch, trash blows out, diet coke bottles roll out, and there is a fuck ton of shit in the cargo area that I have to unload before I can get to the spare. List includes:
  • Two recycle bins full of recycling that has been in there  for a week (Oh, I'll take the recycling tomorrow during lunch).
  • Yoga mat
  • Briefcase so full of shit it won't close
  • Work out bag
  • Kids books and other misc kid shit that just piles up in the back seat, and she "cleans out" by throwing into the cargo area
  • Misc trash, junk mail, empty diet coke bottles, etc. (I wonder about the junk mail. Does she check the mail, then if its junk, throw it all the way into the cargo area? wtf? Same with empty diet coke bottles?
It took me longer to unload all that crap than it did to change the tire. Fuck.
 
So happy I didn't marry a slob.
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HOOKEM4

HOOKEM4 5037

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Posted

My wife keeps her car really clean considering she hauls two drunk midgets around who fundamentally oppose the concept of a trash can. However, she will haul around a box of stuff that is supposed to go to Goodwill for a solid 6 months before finally dropping it off.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17562

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11 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Fifteen minutes after arriving at work, I get a phone call. Her car has a flat. Its parked at the kids' school, school says its ok to leave where it is. She's going to Uber to work, can I "take care of it"?

I leave work, drive to the kids' school, park my car, walk to her car, open the hatch, trash blows out, diet coke bottles roll out, and there is a fuck ton of shit in the cargo area that I have to unload before I can get to the spare. List includes:

  • Two recycle bins full of recycling that has been in there  for a week (Oh, I'll take the recycling tomorrow during lunch).
  • Yoga mat
  • Briefcase so full of shit it won't close
  • Work out bag
  • Kids books and other misc kid shit that just piles up in the back seat, and she "cleans out" by throwing into the cargo area
  • Misc trash, junk mail, empty diet coke bottles, etc. (I wonder about the junk mail. Does she check the mail, then if its junk, throw it all the way into the cargo area? wtf? Same with empty diet coke bottles?

It took me longer to unload all that crap than it did to change the tire. Fuck.

 

My ex was like that with her car too.  Made me ragey on the days we had to swap vehicles for whatever reason.  I can't stand being in a car full of trash.

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Thatguy

Thatguy 8747

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Posted
On 4/5/2018 at 1:30 PM, pearlandhorn said:

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.

Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

   It's 2018, I am cool with same sex marriages.

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18550

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I guess the lock is working. Yesterday the aggie kid next door lobbed three baseballs into my backyard. The lady who picks my kids up from school (no pics, she's late 50s) threw two of them back. One of them landed on the glass top table while she was sitting back there, almost hitting her and making a gawd awful noise. She gave it to my dog who promptly chewed the cover off of it and then she threw it back over the fence.

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luke duke

luke duke 6413

Posted
Posted
Fifteen minutes after arriving at work, I get a phone call. Her car has a flat. Its parked at the kids' school, school says its ok to leave where it is. She's going to Uber to work, can I "take care of it"?
I leave work, drive to the kids' school, park my car, walk to her car, open the hatch, trash blows out, diet coke bottles roll out, and there is a fuck ton of shit in the cargo area that I have to unload before I can get to the spare. List includes:
  • Two recycle bins full of recycling that has been in there  for a week (Oh, I'll take the recycling tomorrow during lunch).
  • Yoga mat
  • Briefcase so full of shit it won't close
  • Work out bag
  • Kids books and other misc kid shit that just piles up in the back seat, and she "cleans out" by throwing into the cargo area
  • Misc trash, junk mail, empty diet coke bottles, etc. (I wonder about the junk mail. Does she check the mail, then if its junk, throw it all the way into the cargo area? wtf? Same with empty diet coke bottles?
It took me longer to unload all that crap than it did to change the tire. Fuck.
 


I would have moved all of that shit to the driver's seat and left it there.
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Reagan1k

Reagan1k 3024

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:
  • Two recycle bins full of recycling that has been in there  for a week (Oh, I'll take the recycling tomorrow during lunch).
  • Yoga mat
  • Briefcase so full of shit it won't close
  • Work out bag
  • Kids books and other misc kid shit that just piles up in the back seat, and she "cleans out" by throwing into the cargo area
  • Misc trash, junk mail, empty diet coke bottles, etc. (I wonder about the junk mail. Does she check the mail, then if its junk, throw it all the way into the cargo area? wtf? Same with empty diet coke bottles?

I tried to read this while thinking of the tune during the beginning of The Pick-Up Truck Song........

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Reagan1k

Reagan1k 3024

Posted
Posted
On 4/9/2018 at 10:33 AM, Ojo Rojo said:

Mine has this fascinating habit of almost getting things where they need to be. For example, there’ll be a pile of clothes next to a half empty hamper. The recycling/garbage bag will make it to the garage and next to the bins/cans, used diapers end up on the table next to the diaper pail. 

Mine loves to put trash on the counter above the trash compactor.  NEVER in it....just sitting on the counter above it for me to open up and put it inside....and she used to love to complain that our kids never cleaned up or threw trash away.

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Billy Pilgrim

Billy Pilgrim 1963

Posted
Posted
On 4/7/2018 at 10:09 AM, Bobby_Batronic said:

Mine has this fascinating habit of almost getting things where they need to be. For example, there’ll be a pile of clothes next to a half empty hamper. The recycling/garbage bag will make it to the garage and next to the bins/cans, used diapers end up on the table next to the diaper pail. 

I cant decide if she’s being lazy, losing her mind with two toddlers or f’ing with me. 

Yeah- my wife does this with Keurig K-cups. Pulls the old one out of the coffee maker- sets it on counter above trash can but never makes it into trash.

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Knoxtnhorn

Knoxtnhorn 6055

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Posted

1. Trashy car.

2. Recycling left mere inches from the container.

3. Tardiness and then attitude when asked to hurry up.

4. 20 different stacks for mail.

yep.  This page sums my wife up pretty well.  Only thing that needs to be added is the perpetual pile(s) of laundry on the bedroom floor that she’s “Going to fold tomorrow”.

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T’Boo Ted Marshall

T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732

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Posted

You know what is good for slicing butter?  Steak knives

You know what is good for mixing salads?  Steak knives

You know what is good for stirring rice in a pot?  Steak knives

You know what is good for making sandwiches?  Steak knives

Drives me nuts.  She thinks our regular knives are "butter" knives and they don't cut well.  

 

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chesthair

chesthair 231

Posted
Posted
On 4/10/2018 at 9:15 PM, Landomatic said:

My wife is not familiar with the concept of lights having an off switch.  Ever.  God forbid I throw a bottle or can in the trash and don’t recycle it.  But when it comes to saving on electricity, which will actually save us money...

my wife cannot figure out light switches.  we are year # 13 in our current house.  in the main room there are 4 switches together on the wall (1 main light, 2 light over fireplace, 3 ceiling fan, 4 light over stairs) in that order.  if i ask her to turn on the ceiling fan she will hit switches 1, 2, 4 then 3 every time.  Time to turn off the main light?  well that means she will hit 3, 4, 2 and then 1.

 

I used my superior intelligence after day 2 of moving into the house to figure out which switch does its assigned job. 

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54253

Posted
Posted
54 minutes ago, chesthair said:

my wife cannot figure out light switches.  we are year # 13 in our current house.  in the main room there are 4 switches together on the wall (1 main light, 2 light over fireplace, 3 ceiling fan, 4 light over stairs) in that order.  if i ask her to turn on the ceiling fan she will hit switches 1, 2, 4 then 3 every time.  Time to turn off the main light?  well that means she will hit 3, 4, 2 and then 1.

 

I used my superior intelligence after day 2 of moving into the house to figure out which switch does its assigned job. 

I will call you and raise you to 19 years.

We'll be lying in bed...

"It's kind of hot in here.  Will you turn the ceiling fan on?"

Well over 50% of the time, she turns the light on.  I know that seems impossible and sounds like I'm exaggerating, but it's true.

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GSU&UT

GSU&UT 1798

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, chesthair said:

my wife cannot figure out light switches.  we are year # 13 in our current house.  in the main room there are 4 switches together on the wall (1 main light, 2 light over fireplace, 3 ceiling fan, 4 light over stairs) in that order.  if i ask her to turn on the ceiling fan she will hit switches 1, 2, 4 then 3 every time.  Time to turn off the main light?  well that means she will hit 3, 4, 2 and then 1.

 

I used my superior intelligence after day 2 of moving into the house to figure out which switch does its assigned job. 

 

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HouTex

HouTex 1878

Posted
Posted

My wife still doesn't understand how our heaters and A/Cs work with the thermostats. Her brain explodes when I tell her we don't need to adjust the A/C when we are already comfortably cool and the night will be colder (like it has been lately) but not so cold that we need to run the heaters. She thinks the A/Cs will somehow come on.

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ABSR

ABSR 5315

Posted
Posted
22 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife usually only drives when I've had more than two drinks. On any long trip (over 4 or 5 hours), she'll usually drive for about an hour so I can take a quick nap. But she's a pretty good driver. 

How do you know?  You are either drunk or asleep whenever she drives.

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SimonBolivar

SimonBolivar 10958

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, chesthair said:

guys, its a rule of this thread that thermostats are not to be discussed.  its been scientifically proven that there has never been a woman who can figure those out.

I'm happy mine doesn't even bother trying anymore. She tells me when she is cold or hot and I take it from there. 

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, chesthair said:

guys, its a rule of this thread that thermostats are not to be discussed.  its been scientifically proven that there has never been a woman who can figure those out.

it was an evolution thing. not long after the study of beak sizes on finches they looked at this and determined that simply because they have tits, women are incapable of understanding that furnaces and air conditioners only work as on/off.

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