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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

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kmac30

kmac30 416

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Friday morning wife is headed to Austin from Houston area to visit a friend. She was leaving at 8am. She took her mom’s car (newer and more reliable than mine and I need her’s because of car seats).

I get a call at 8:24 that goes like this:

Her: I’ve done a bad thing. Don’t get mad.
Me: What?
Her: (getting upset, but obviously driving) I don’t know how it happened and I think it’s really bad.
Me: What is it?
Her: I got in a wreck. In my mom’s car. I hit our neighbor’s new mailbox.
Me: (long pause) That’s it? Where are you? Her: (said wherever on her way, seemed a lot farther than she should have been) [she went on how only daughter was home and left msg with neighbors wife and I would have to deal with this over the weekend]
Me: What happened?
Her: Don’t get mad I’m already upset.
Me: I’m not mad, I’m asking what happened.


Somehow she’s in the car in front of our house and starts entering her cousin’s new address into Waze. The car is rolling and she doesn’t realize it. When she does, car is either hitting the curb or hitting the mailbox. I couldn’t tell if the car was really in park or not. It’s an Acura MDX.

My BIL who is very detailed was driving that car once and got out (also in front of my house). The car started rolling away and almost ran him over. He swore up and down it was in park. He hates the car. And I’m pretty sure it’s rolled after FIL has claimed to put it in park.

So we discussed it, I got her to calm down before she continued her drive and she made it.

Mailbox wasn’t that bad. I bent it back in place. Neighbor will probably want to replace it, and that’s fine.

MIL laughed when wife called to tell her.

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TrashMaster G

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5 hours ago, kmac30 said:

Friday morning wife is headed to Austin from Houston area to visit a friend. She was leaving at 8am. She took her mom’s car (newer and more reliable than mine and I need her’s because of car seats).

I get a call at 8:24 that goes like this:

Her: I’ve done a bad thing. Don’t get mad.
Me: What?
Her: (getting upset, but obviously driving) I don’t know how it happened and I think it’s really bad.
Me: What is it?
Her: I got in a wreck. In my mom’s car. I hit our neighbor’s new mailbox.
Me: (long pause) That’s it? Where are you? Her: (said wherever on her way, seemed a lot farther than she should have been) [she went on how only daughter was home and left msg with neighbors wife and I would have to deal with this over the weekend]
Me: What happened?
Her: Don’t get mad I’m already upset.
Me: I’m not mad, I’m asking what happened.


Somehow she’s in the car in front of our house and starts entering her cousin’s new address into Waze. The car is rolling and she doesn’t realize it. When she does, car is either hitting the curb or hitting the mailbox. I couldn’t tell if the car was really in park or not. It’s an Acura MDX.

My BIL who is very detailed was driving that car once and got out (also in front of my house). The car started rolling away and almost ran him over. He swore up and down it was in park. He hates the car. And I’m pretty sure it’s rolled after FIL has claimed to put it in park.

So we discussed it, I got her to calm down before she continued her drive and she made it.

Mailbox wasn’t that bad. I bent it back in place. Neighbor will probably want to replace it, and that’s fine.

MIL laughed when wife called to tell her.

I would have started by explaining that "I got in a wreck" is not something you say when you ding a mailbox.

JFC.  That would have pissed me off more than anything else.

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4445

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Posted
1 hour ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Could be 25% technologie's fault but... heading to Austin for the game.  Traffic jam in Waco.  Alt route suggested on phone.  Wife is all "turn here, no left, straight".  We ended up - literally - in the middle of Baylor's campus during a game.

Did you get to rape anyone while you were there???

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8799

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Friday morning wife is headed to Austin from Houston area to visit a friend. She was leaving at 8am. She took her mom’s car (newer and more reliable than mine and I need her’s because of car seats).

I get a call at 8:24 that goes like this:

Her: I’ve done a bad thing. Don’t get mad.
Me: What?
Her: (getting upset, but obviously driving) I don’t know how it happened and I think it’s really bad.
Me: What is it?
Her: I got in a wreck. In my mom’s car. I hit our neighbor’s new mailbox.
Me: (long pause) That’s it? Where are you? Her: (said wherever on her way, seemed a lot farther than she should have been) [she went on how only daughter was home and left msg with neighbors wife and I would have to deal with this over the weekend]
Me: What happened?
Her: Don’t get mad I’m already upset.
Me: I’m not mad, I’m asking what happened.


Somehow she’s in the car in front of our house and starts entering her cousin’s new address into Waze. The car is rolling and she doesn’t realize it. When she does, car is either hitting the curb or hitting the mailbox. I couldn’t tell if the car was really in park or not. It’s an Acura MDX.

My BIL who is very detailed was driving that car once and got out (also in front of my house). The car started rolling away and almost ran him over. He swore up and down it was in park. He hates the car. And I’m pretty sure it’s rolled after FIL has claimed to put it in park.

So we discussed it, I got her to calm down before she continued her drive and she made it.

Mailbox wasn’t that bad. I bent it back in place. Neighbor will probably want to replace it, and that’s fine.

MIL laughed when wife called to tell her.
Id have told her tampering with mailboxes is a felony offense...
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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14083

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:
14 hours ago, kmac30 said:
Friday morning wife is headed to Austin from Houston area to visit a friend. She was leaving at 8am. She took her mom’s car (newer and more reliable than mine and I need her’s because of car seats).

I get a call at 8:24 that goes like this:

Her: I’ve done a bad thing. Don’t get mad.
Me: What?
Her: (getting upset, but obviously driving) I don’t know how it happened and I think it’s really bad.
Me: What is it?
Her: I got in a wreck. In my mom’s car. I hit our neighbor’s new mailbox.
Me: (long pause) That’s it? Where are you? Her: (said wherever on her way, seemed a lot farther than she should have been) [she went on how only daughter was home and left msg with neighbors wife and I would have to deal with this over the weekend]
Me: What happened?
Her: Don’t get mad I’m already upset.
Me: I’m not mad, I’m asking what happened.


Somehow she’s in the car in front of our house and starts entering her cousin’s new address into Waze. The car is rolling and she doesn’t realize it. When she does, car is either hitting the curb or hitting the mailbox. I couldn’t tell if the car was really in park or not. It’s an Acura MDX.

My BIL who is very detailed was driving that car once and got out (also in front of my house). The car started rolling away and almost ran him over. He swore up and down it was in park. He hates the car. And I’m pretty sure it’s rolled after FIL has claimed to put it in park.

So we discussed it, I got her to calm down before she continued her drive and she made it.

Mailbox wasn’t that bad. I bent it back in place. Neighbor will probably want to replace it, and that’s fine.

MIL laughed when wife called to tell her.

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Id have told her tampering with mailboxes is a felony offense...

You're nuts, junior

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 53986

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Posted
On 11/16/2018 at 11:42 AM, UTEX90 said:

My wife is painting the kitchen today in advance of us hosting family Thanksgiving, which in and of itself is stupid enough, but please stand by for future entries.

My wife wanted to paint the laundry room this weekend.  

I pointed out that 2 months ago, she wanted to refinish the kitchen cabinets, and I talked her into taking off one single cabinet door and trying to refinish the backside of it to see if it would turn out OK... and 2 months later that cabinet door is still sitting somewhere in the garage.  

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5209

Posted
Posted
On 11/14/2018 at 11:28 AM, MNLonghornFUKM said:
On 11/14/2018 at 11:27 AM, Dennis Taylor said:
not my wife, but one of her friends...someone she knows got hit by a car and died...the friend posted the article from a tv station website on her facebook page and tagged (whatever that means) her deceased friend...uhmm...     

"Feeling sad and depressed with *insert dead person here *"

41 people like this👍

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HenryJames

HenryJames 65887

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On 11/17/2018 at 10:43 PM, Beau Vine said:

My wife wanted to paint the laundry room this weekend.  

I pointed out that 2 months ago, she wanted to refinish the kitchen cabinets, and I talked her into taking off one single cabinet door and trying to refinish the backside of it to see if it would turn out OK... and 2 months later that cabinet door is still sitting somewhere in the garage.  

Who else likes refinishing cabinets in their garage alone?

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NOMAAA

NOMAAA 1696

Posted
Posted
On 10/31/2018 at 5:04 PM, uoftorange said:

We recently got a dog, I'm not a huge fan of having a dog, but whatever, kids want one.  Of course they don't help but my wife for once actually is helping.  But it led to this conversation:

Her:  Pretty crazy, I picked up about 50 pieces of poop, he's been pooping in the exact same place every time
Me: ?
Her:  Yeah, it was one big pile right behind the garage
Me:  So you think this 8 month old dog only poops in one place after 2 weeks of using the backyard?
Her:  Yeah, it's was all right in one pile.  So I put it in the trash can.
Me:  I'm trying to not laugh at you, but it's there because I picked it up and piled it together.  Just hadn't put it in the trash because tomorrow is trash day and I don't want it stinking up the garage in the meantime.

Seriously, she thought a dog kept piling up it's shit a foot high and a foot wide.  She also dumped it straight in the can we only put bags in instead of putting it in a bag and tossing it in.  So after the trash guy came it still had like 10 turds in there, that was lovely to find out after the fact

holy shit im in tears.

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

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Posted
1 hour ago, LonghornD said:

We were watching a football game the other day and the team went for two. When they got it, she said, "Wait...why did they only get two points? I thought 'going for two' meant that the team was going for a second touchdown.'"

she thought it was "make it, take it."

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UTEX90

UTEX90 584

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Ok so painting went way better than expected despite substantial frustration on my part.   Again, I am a perfectionist and she is fuck it we will figure it out and fix whats wrong when its all over.  Not exactly a good home repair match made in heaven.  Nevertheless kitchen looks great.

I really thought this would be train wreck from the start.  She got 5 or 6 samples from Lowe's and proceeded to slap some on every wall in the kitchen so that there was no way this project wasn't moving forward.  The focal point of the kitchen is a wall that had some grease spots on it that prompted this project in the first place.  After just beginning to paint that wall it starts to peal and bubble.  Professional painter was called 30 min into project.  He is a friend of mine so at no charge he came and saved her ass by floating the wall and giving instruction on future bubbling.  Anyway kitchen looks fantastic much to my surprise.  We were basking in the glow of our accomplishment sipping wine on the couch watching a movie in satisfaction and exhaustion and then this beautiful conversation occurs.

Mrs. UTEX90:  I don't like the rug in the kitchen. 

Me.  The one you just bought Friday and sent me to pick up?

Mrs. UTEX90:  Yes but it was second hand and only $80.00.  How do you like this one?  [Showing a pic on her phone]

Me.  What are you going to do with the one we just bought? 

Mrs. UTEX90:  Probably give it to Goodwill.

I'm starting to simmer.  At the same time, Little Miss UTEX90 is sitting down to soup at the kitchen table. We just bough the table that morning (Sunday) from a guy who refinished it.  Neither of us loved the table but we will throw a table cloth on it and make due until we can agree on one.  We have been looking for 6 months and I am being picky.

Me to Little Miss UTEX90: "Use a place mat at the table for your soup and drink.

Mrs. UTEX90:  What does it matter the table is a piece of shit?

Me.  Why the fuck did we buy the damn thing then?

Mrs. UTEX90.  We needed a table for Thanksgiving.

Me.  Well maybe we can sell it after Thanksgiving to someone else, there is no point in ruining it.

Mrs. UTEX90.  I would be embarrassed to sell that table for $20.00.

Me.  YOU JUST PAID ALMOST $200.00 FOR IT THIS MORNING.  Put the rug on your resale site for $80.00.  After Thanksgiving put the table on the resale site.  Don't fuck it up worse in the meantime.

TONE

Between last night and this morning the rug is already sold for what we paid for the damn thing.  Anyone want a poorly refinished round kitchen table?  Couch is not for sale for obvious reasons.

 

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28705

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Posted
5 hours ago, LonghornD said:

We were watching a football game the other day and the team went for two. When they got it, she said, "Wait...why did they only get two points? I thought 'going for two' meant that the team was going for a second touchdown.'"

Did she at least figure it out by the time she was done asking the question? Seems rather self-explanatory. 

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campcrunk

campcrunk 2346

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3 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

She sounds like an absolute nightmare with money. 

This my biggest problem with Mrs. Campcrunk.  We have very, very different interpretations of what the word "need" means.

Also, is there a reason all this skincare crap is priced like it was personally brewed by Jesus? Because that shit is going to give me an aneurysm.

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4968

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So we are driving home from my parents' last night in the wife's car. The tire pressure light comes on and one of the back tires is down to 25 psi. I just topped them off a week ago or so due to the cold weather, and the car likes to scold me any time they get below 30 or so, so I know something's off. Get home, put the little two year old monster to bed, and go check it out. It's late and Narcos just dropped, so I air it back up and do a visual check for nails. Nothing, so I tell the wife I aired it up, we watch Narcos and go to bed. 

Fast forward to this morning. She sends me a snap saying the tire is flat, along with another one of a rock wedged between the treads saying she found the nail.

I get home from work and check it out. She tried to back out of the driveway without checking the tire with a known problem. So the bead is now broken. So instead of just plugging a tire I have to take it off so I can get the bead to seal. I find the hole (no nail or whatever left, just a hole) and plug it (phrasing). I walk inside and try to politely and noconfrontationally ask the wife to try not to drive on a flat tire. Apparently she knew it was coming because she unloaded on me about how I shouldn't treat her like that blah blah blah.

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 53986

Posted
Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, Fudge Nuggets said:

It would drive me nuts to have a cabinet missing a door for two months.

1.  It was a lower cabinet on the corner, under the counter overhang, so it wasn't that noticeable. 

2.  I knew it would help me win an important battle one day.  If I had said something about it soon after she took it off, she would have painted 10% of the laundry room this past weekend, and I'd spend the next two months listening to her say, "I'm not sure I like this color after all.  Do you like this color?"

Edited by Beau Vine
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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14083

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Posted
1 hour ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

So we are driving home from my parents' last night in the wife's car. The tire pressure light comes on and one of the back tires is down to 25 psi. I just topped them off a week ago or so due to the cold weather, and the car likes to scold me any time they get below 30 or so, so I know something's off. Get home, put the little two year old monster to bed, and go check it out. It's late and Narcos just dropped, so I air it back up and do a visual check for nails. Nothing, so I tell the wife I aired it up, we watch Narcos and go to bed. 

Fast forward to this morning. She sends me a snap saying the tire is flat, along with another one of a rock wedged between the treads saying she found the nail.

I get home from work and check it out. She tried to back out of the driveway without checking the tire with a known problem. So the bead is now broken. So instead of just plugging a tire I have to take it off so I can get the bead to seal. I find the hole (no nail or whatever left, just a hole) and plug it (phrasing). I walk inside and try to politely and noconfrontationally ask the wife to try not to drive on a flat tire. Apparently she knew it was coming because she unloaded on me about how I shouldn't treat her like that blah blah blah.

I mean, we all understand, but we all knew she was gonna drive on that tire without checking it. You should have too. 

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Buffsoldier

Buffsoldier 1895

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Posted
1 hour ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

I walk inside and try to politely and noconfrontationally ask the wife to try not to drive on a flat tire.

lol_idi_amin.gif

Quote

Apparently she knew it was coming because she unloaded on me about how I shouldn't treat her like that blah blah blah.

Maybe when I was married I would have been able to back down, walk away, whatever.  But at this point, I'm not sure I wouldn't be able to hold back from directly asking, "Oh, do you want me to really treat you like that?  Because I can.  Choose wisely"

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

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Posted
11 hours ago, campcrunk said:

This my biggest problem with Mrs. Campcrunk.  We have very, very different interpretations of what the word "need" means.

Also, is there a reason all this skincare crap is priced like it was personally brewed by Jesus? Because that shit is going to give me an aneurysm.

MLM sales people love her!

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8788

Posted
Posted
On 11/17/2018 at 8:17 AM, kmac30 said:

Friday morning wife is headed to Austin from Houston area to visit a friend. She was leaving at 8am. She took her mom’s car (newer and more reliable than mine and I need her’s because of car seats).

I get a call at 8:24 that goes like this:

Her: I’ve done a bad thing. Don’t get mad.
Me: What?
Her: (getting upset, but obviously driving) I don’t know how it happened and I think it’s really bad.
Me: What is it?
Her: I got in a wreck. In my mom’s car. I hit our neighbor’s new mailbox.
Me: (long pause) That’s it? Where are you? Her: (said wherever on her way, seemed a lot farther than she should have been) [she went on how only daughter was home and left msg with neighbors wife and I would have to deal with this over the weekend]
Me: What happened?
Her: Don’t get mad I’m already upset.
Me: I’m not mad, I’m asking what happened.


Somehow she’s in the car in front of our house and starts entering her cousin’s new address into Waze. The car is rolling and she doesn’t realize it. When she does, car is either hitting the curb or hitting the mailbox. I couldn’t tell if the car was really in park or not. It’s an Acura MDX.

My BIL who is very detailed was driving that car once and got out (also in front of my house). The car started rolling away and almost ran him over. He swore up and down it was in park. He hates the car. And I’m pretty sure it’s rolled after FIL has claimed to put it in park.

So we discussed it, I got her to calm down before she continued her drive and she made it.

Mailbox wasn’t that bad. I bent it back in place. Neighbor will probably want to replace it, and that’s fine.

MIL laughed when wife called to tell her.

Spoiler

CHRISTINE

 

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Chopper

Chopper 17153

Posted
Posted (edited)

A little background here, we already subsidize my wife's mother's basic monthly expenses quite a bit, every month...

Wife: "Sweetheart,  I have something important to ask you. Mother is in a lot of pain with this dental problem and her shitty dentist for poor people is pushing her out and telling her he doesn't know what treatment she needs. He's telling her to swish coconut oil in her mouth for a month and then come back and see him."

Me: "mhmm. Well on the bright side, swishing coconut oil sounds pretty tasty."

Wife: "Well our dentist says he'll do the surgery she needs and I want to be compassionate, do you think it would be okay if we pay for it because she can't afford it."

Me: "Hell no. Tell her to listen to her own dentist."

Wife: Books the surgery for her mom.

Why do they even ask questions like that?

Edited by Chopper
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kmac30

kmac30 416

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Posted

Wife got home and we had a discussion about what constitutes a wreck or an accident. In the future, when she hits something that’s no big deal, she’s supposed to just come out with it. We’ll see.

She asked me to call a client on Saturday to find out where we should take the car to get fixed. I went in the garage and got some scratch remover (Meguiars). 95% of the marks came off. There are 2 gouges in the bumper that need to be filled and repainted. They are tiny. Her mom said they probably won’t even do that any time soon if ever. Obviously I we had the discussion to get it done and we’ll pay.

After I got the minor marks off the car, wife says “I’m impressed you had that kind of stuff on hand.” I just smiled and said “You’re welcome.”

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9334

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Posted
2 hours ago, Chopper said:

A little background here, we already subsidize my wife's mother's basic monthly expenses quite a bit, every month...

Wife: "Sweetheart,  I have something important to ask you. Mother is in a lot of pain with this dental problem and her shitty dentist for poor people is pushing her out and telling her he doesn't know what treatment she needs. He's telling her to swish coconut oil in her mouth for a month and then come back and see him."

Me: "mhmm. Well on the bright side, swishing coconut oil sounds pretty tasty."

Wife: "Well our dentist says he'll do the surgery she needs and I want to be compassionate, do you think it would be okay if we pay for it because she can't afford it."

Me: "Hell no. Tell her to listen to her own dentist."

Wife: Books the surgery for her mom.

Why do they even ask questions like that?

+rep.

I read this in Clark and Ellen Griswold's voices.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5209

Posted
Posted
13 hours ago, gecko said:

Wife: I really want to drive in the Macau Grand Prix

Me: really, are you sure that’s a good idea? You have no experience. Could be dangerous.

Wife: you never support me...
 

I was racking my brain trying to figure out why one single car was flying by at ludacris speed.  Makes so much more sense now.

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Buffsoldier

Buffsoldier 1895

Posted
Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

Hey Chopper, you already know the end result, next time use it in your favor.

"Absolutely honey, I'll take repayment with a weeks worth of blowjobs" should suffice.

Just make sure to put a time limit on it and make sure you're the one getting them.

lol_idi_amin.gif

C'mon man.  You know what thread this is.  A weeks worth of BJ's?  To a married man?  Da fuck is he gonna do with 1/52 of a blowjob?

Edited by Buffsoldier
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