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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Spur08

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Jesus Christ yes.  My wife has to clean some part of our house every night, regardless of whether or not it needs to be cleaned.  Then she tries to act like she's doing it for me.  No, you're doing it for you.  I do not give a fuck if you've swept the kitchen for the second time in 5 days and I have made this perfectly clear numerous times.
Yea. This is my wife. Every night.
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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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Woke up cold more than once last night to Mrs CL wrapped up in the covers like a goddamn burrito. I'd grab whatever little scraps I could and roll over and go back to sleep but then wake up cold again later. I finally went and grabbed a quilt from the other room. 

This morning I mentioned it to her and her response was that I need to snore less. 

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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Another one from this morning:

Cleaning lady is coming today. I have already prepared the house. No dishes in the sink and the kitchen counters cleared. Dishwasher is running. 

Wife comes into my office and starts complaining that I am in here "watching stupid youtube videos" while she's working. 

I go into the kitchen and there are now new dishes in the sink that she's doing by hand.

"Where did these come from? I already did the dishes this morning."

"I'm doing these so Barbara won't spend the whole time doing dishes and not cleaning the house."

"But there were no dishes in the sink. Where did these come from?"

"I cleaned out the refrigerator. Quit bitching and help me."

"Since when did the cleaning lady start cleaning out the refrigerator?"

Tone. 

 

 

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, troph said:

The stupidest thing on this thread is husbands complaining about their wives cleaning their house. Jesus people, wtf is wrong with you all?!

Not complaining about the cleaning, we appreciate it. We're complaining about the drama associated with cleaning. Imagine if every time we cut the grass, we acted like we just completed an Iron Man race...

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

Posted
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50 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Not complaining about the cleaning, we appreciate it. We're complaining about the drama associated with cleaning. Imagine if every time we cut the grass, we acted like we just completed an Iron Man race...

I normally do, complete with 2-3 beers and a nice sit down session afterward.  

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ulukinatme

ulukinatme 1760

Posted
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1 hour ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Woke up cold more than once last night to Mrs CL wrapped up in the covers like a goddamn burrito. I'd grab whatever little scraps I could and roll over and go back to sleep but then wake up cold again later. I finally went and grabbed a quilt from the other room. 

This morning I mentioned it to her and her response was that I need to snore less. 

I solved this problem before I got married:  separate sheets/blankets.  It saves marriages.  

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11559

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Another one from this morning:

Cleaning lady is coming today. I have already prepared the house. No dishes in the sink and the kitchen counters cleared. Dishwasher is running. 

Wife comes into my office and starts complaining that I am in here "watching stupid youtube videos" while she's working. 

I go into the kitchen and there are now new dishes in the sink that she's doing by hand.

"Where did these come from? I already did the dishes this morning."

"I'm doing these so Barbara won't spend the whole time doing dishes and not cleaning the house."

"But there were no dishes in the sink. Where did these come from?"

"I cleaned out the refrigerator. Quit bitching and help me."

"Since when did the cleaning lady start cleaning out the refrigerator?"

Tone. 

 

 

This goes beyond "stupid" to straight up cunty.

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Sandman

Sandman 3402

Posted
Posted
23 minutes ago, ulukinatme said:

I solved this problem before I got married:  separate sheets/blankets.  It saves marriages.  

When I got remarried, I told my new wife that this was the way it was going to be. She didn't get it at first but quickly realized it was the correct option. 

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HOOKEM4

HOOKEM4 5017

Posted
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18 minutes ago, Sandman said:

When I got remarried, I told my new wife that this was the way it was going to be. She didn't get it at first but quickly realized it was the correct option. 

So tell me this mr. smarty pants, how do you dutch oven your wife when you are under separate blankets?

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ShaggyBevo RIP

ShaggyBevo RIP 3868

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Not complaining about the cleaning, we appreciate it. We're complaining about the drama associated with cleaning. Imagine if every time we cut the grass, we acted like we just completed an Iron Man race...

You're doing it wrong.  The play is for adult beverages, game watching, and maybe a cigar while recovering.

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

Posted
Posted
On 11/23/2018 at 12:31 PM, uoftorange said:

I built a bench for the kitchen that she's been wanting, even though we HAD to have a tall table and chairs 4 years ago, even though she knew she wanted this long ago.  Anyway, I digress

I hate painting, so I told her I'd build it over vacation time if she would paint it.  We went to the store because she "doesn't know what kind of paint or nail filler to get", cool

Me:  I'll go get the filler, you choose the colors you want
Her:  Okay, what color should I get
Me:  I don't care, I'm color blind, just make it match the kitchen

She goes off to get paint colors

I put the filler in the basket

Her:  Did you get the right stuff?
Me (trying to laugh and make light through an idiotic question):  No, I got the wrong stuff.  
Her:  Why do you have to be like that?
Me:  I'm going to look at some stuff up front...

Seriously, what the fuck other answer does that deserve?  A simple yes?  Why on earth would that question be asked.  I mean, it's not like she has any clue what is the right stuff or the wrong stuff.

Funnier story:
We got back home, I bought it in a tube to be easy to apply and since we didn't need a full canister.  She tried to put the small tube in a caulk gun, it was freaking hilarious when she called me downstairs because it wouldn't work.

I was expecting a twist at the end where you have to paint the whole kitchen to match the paint she got for the bench.  I'm a little disappointed.

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tbone_

tbone_ 14020

Posted
Posted
4:30 AM

Wife: Are you awake?

Me: Uh.... no.... yes.... I guess so, now.

That's the extent of the conversation. She rolls over, goes back to sleep. I can't shut off my mind and am up all night. Thanks hon.

Missed opportunity.

 

Also 4:30 is getting close to grown man wake up time anyway.

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uoftorange

uoftorange 1386

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, troph said:

The stupidest thing on this thread is husbands complaining about their wives cleaning their house. Jesus people, wtf is wrong with you all?!

I do 70% of the cleaning, the kids do 10% and she does 20%.  But her 20% comes with a constant need for me to help clean whiles she's cleaning.  That's where issues arise 

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Sandman

Sandman 3402

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, uoftorange said:

I do 70% of the cleaning, the kids do 10% and she does 20%.  But her 20% comes with a constant need for me to help clean whiles she's cleaning.  That's where issues arise 

This is what gets me. My wife pulls this all the time:

Wife: I want to do [some pretty unnecessary project that I'm not into] today.

Me: Eh, I'm not really interested. Knock yourself out, though.

(15-20 mins later)

Wife: Honey, I need your help!!!!

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

Posted
Posted
37 minutes ago, Sandman said:

This is what gets me. My wife pulls this all the time:

Wife: I want to do [some pretty unnecessary project that I'm not into] today.

Me: Eh, I'm not really interested. Knock yourself out, though.

(15-20 mins later)

Wife: Honey, I need your help!!!!

I am familiar with this phenomenon. 

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Angry Gorilla

Angry Gorilla 1763

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Posted

We have a new puppy (see dog thread) and house training is a chore.

I take the puppy and our other dog on a short walk this morning.  Wait for 10 minutes in the front yard trying to let the little guy do his business, doesn't for some reason.  I let him back inside and take the full grown dog on a run.  I come back 30 minutes later and my wife is playing with the puppy 6 feet away from a fresh puddle of piss and a pile of shit.  Since I work all day and she is home most of the day everyday I assumed (my mistake) she would help with house training.  After walking in on her with puppy and a mess...

Me:  Have you been working on house training the puppy?
Her:  (Rolls eyes) Of course I am.
Me:  So you are catching him in the act and reprimanding him and taking him outside?
Her:  ......No, not really.
Me:  So you are taking him outside and waiting until he goes to the bathroom then praising him and possibly giving him a treat?
Her:  .....No, not really.
Me:  Then what are you doing to help house train him?
Her:  I.... let him out.... sometimes.

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BrazilHorn

BrazilHorn 6576

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We are having some friends over Sat morning for the game and wife is looking to double a recipe which calls for 1/3 cup of something.

She looks at me and says "How much is two thirds? is that the same as one half?"

As I look at her like WTF? She then says "Is it one fourth?"

Yep. That happened

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

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33 minutes ago, Longhornfan1024 said:

I prefer drinking the 2-3 beers while doing the yard work.  For some reason the front yard is always better than the back.  

There’s nothing like front yard drinking.  I particularly enjoy having a 24 oz Shiner or something of that sort to wave at the folks driving by and looking at me drink in my front yard.  Even better is one of the 32 oz Corona Familiar varietals.   The look of disgust is amusing 

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Chewbacca

Chewbacca 7729

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51 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

There’s nothing like front yard drinking.  I particularly enjoy having a 24 oz Shiner or something of that sort to wave at the folks driving by and looking at me drink in my front yard.  Even better is one of the 32 oz Corona Familiar varietals.   The look of disgust is amusing 

I live on a cul-de-sac.  We drink out front with the neighbors all the time when the weather is nice.  

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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 104560

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We are having some friends over Sat morning for the game and wife is looking to double a recipe which calls for 1/3 cup of something.
She looks at me and says "How much is two thirds? is that the same as one half?"
As I look at her like WTF? She then says "Is it one fourth?"
Yep. That happened

What is better than wife math?

Nothing. Nothing is better than wife math.
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