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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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swTXSU

swTXSU 18

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On 4/10/2018 at 9:56 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

Fifteen minutes after arriving at work, I get a phone call. Her car has a flat. Its parked at the kids' school, school says its ok to leave where it is. She's going to Uber to work, can I "take care of it"?

I leave work, drive to the kids' school, park my car, walk to her car, open the hatch, trash blows out, diet coke bottles roll out, and there is a fuck ton of shit in the cargo area that I have to unload before I can get to the spare. List includes:

  • Two recycle bins full of recycling that has been in there  for a week (Oh, I'll take the recycling tomorrow during lunch).
  • Yoga mat
  • Briefcase so full of shit it won't close
  • Work out bag
  • Kids books and other misc kid shit that just piles up in the back seat, and she "cleans out" by throwing into the cargo area
  • Misc trash, junk mail, empty diet coke bottles, etc. (I wonder about the junk mail. Does she check the mail, then if its junk, throw it all the way into the cargo area? wtf? Same with empty diet coke bottles?

It took me longer to unload all that crap than it did to change the tire. Fuck.

 

For this reason and a host of others is why I pay for roadside assistance on my cell plan.  Let somebody else deal with all that crap.

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Bill Brasky

Bill Brasky 1443

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So she buys a step counter online to participate in a step challenge at work.   Nevermind that we have 2 at home already that the in laws gave us, and nevermind that she has a step counting app on her phone.  Oh and the one she bought somehow isn't compatible with the apps that the group is using to keep score.  And we are on vacation during one of the weeks that this challenge is taking place, but that's okay because this step counter is water proof so she can wear it in Mexico. 

Guess what sat on the bathroom counter the entire time we were in Mexico?  

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

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guys, its a rule of this thread that thermostats are not to be discussed.  its been scientifically proven that there has never been a woman who can figure those out.
It still bugs me when she says she "turned it down" when she increased the temp. Her meaning is that she turned down the the fan speed or how often it kicks on. My meaning is that "down" means a lower temp and "up" means a higher temp.

Just like it bugs me when she talks about traveling "down to Dallas" from Austin....
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Frank The Tank

Frank The Tank 1496

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Just like it bugs me when she talks about traveling "down to Dallas" from Austin....


This kills me. I correct her every single time. I don’t care when she gets pissed because “I knew what she meant.”

I will continue to correct her every single time. She will either change her phrasing or continue to be pissed at me every time she says it. I will die on this hill.
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PhillyD

PhillyD 1257

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Me while driving: Can you look this up on your phone real quick?

Wife: My phone is so slow on the internet now.  I can't get it to work.

Me: Pull up chrome and let me see your phone.

Wife pulls up Chrome and there are 96 tabs open.  I didn't go through all of them, but almost all of them were for the weather forecast.

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GottaB

GottaB 594

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This kills me. I correct her every single time. I don’t care when she gets pissed because “I knew what she meant.”

I will continue to correct her every single time. She will either change her phrasing or continue to be pissed at me every time she says it. I will die on this hill.

Is her name CJ?

57cf3e7e3cf9acb61cd92d005dd3fa60.jpg
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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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Me while driving: Can you look this up on your phone real quick?
Wife: My phone is so slow on the internet now.  I can't get it to work.
Me: Pull up chrome and let me see your phone.
Wife pulls up Chrome and there are 96 tabs open.  I didn't go through all of them, but almost all of them were for the weather forecast.
Haha. I sometimes get to 10 tabs on chrome then see stuff I looked at like a month ago.
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Sawbonz

Sawbonz 27538

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On 4/12/2018 at 4:44 PM, Bill Brasky said:

So she buys a step counter online to participate in a step challenge at work.   Nevermind that we have 2 at home already that the in laws gave us, and nevermind that she has a step counting app on her phone.  Oh and the one she bought somehow isn't compatible with the apps that the group is using to keep score.  And we are on vacation during one of the weeks that this challenge is taking place, but that's okay because this step counter is water proof so she can wear it in Mexico. 

Guess what sat on the bathroom counter the entire time we were in Mexico?  

If she’s only competing against women she’s still right there in the mix

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OWLVIS

OWLVIS 557

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On 4/12/2018 at 4:44 PM, Bill Brasky said:

So she buys a step counter online to participate in a step challenge at work.   Nevermind that we have 2 at home already that the in laws gave us, and nevermind that she has a step counting app on her phone.  Oh and the one she bought somehow isn't compatible with the apps that the group is using to keep score.  And we are on vacation during one of the weeks that this challenge is taking place, but that's okay because this step counter is water proof so she can wear it in Mexico. 

Guess what sat on the bathroom counter the entire time we were in Mexico?  

your dignity?

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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2 hours ago, Brothahorn said:

She just asked me to take her vehicle to the car wash, and have it detailed. As we are having the discussion, you can clearly hear the thunder and rain coming down.

I'll never understand the thinking behind this.   On spring melt days, my peeve is those that wait in line 9 cars deep * 5 min per car wash just to have the car be just as dirty as it was before you washed it, 5 blocks down the road.

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Celery Man

Celery Man 20931

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We were meeting a wedding photographer at Bennu Coffee yesterday off MLK. Coming from central South Austin, I was taking Congress and in the right lane to turn on Cesar Chavez when we got across the river.

CM: “Hey, there’s a Bennu Coffee here too.”
Fiancée: “Oh that’s funny, cause I was telling her we should meet on South Congress.”
CM: *puts turn signal on* “And she suggested Bennu Coffee?”
Fiancée: “I wonder if she knows about this one.”

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El Moco

El Moco 45

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Me last night lying in bed with a rock hard diamond cutter when the wife comes out of the bathroom and sees me waiting.  Goes back in and proceeds to take 15 minutes peeing and brushing her teeth.  Then, she comes out, gets into bed and rolls over away from me.  I give up the chase and go to bed.  This morning, wife says I know you wanted to make love last night, but I was very tired.  Maybe we can do it tonight.  Me, what makes you think I'll even be in the mood.  You ration the pussy so much I've got used to going without anything except excuses.  I expect a date night with Manuela might be in store.

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KaiserSoze

KaiserSoze 998

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Me last night lying in bed with a rock hard diamond cutter when the wife comes out of the bathroom and sees me waiting.  Goes back in and proceeds to take 15 minutes peeing and brushing her teeth.  Then, she comes out, gets into bed and rolls over away from me.  I give up the chase and go to bed.  This morning, wife says I know you wanted to make love last night, but I was very tired.  Maybe we can do it tonight.  Me, what makes you think I'll even be in the mood.  You ration the pussy so much I've got used to going without anything except excuses.  I expect a date night with Manuela might be in store.
Are you still a great big fat person? If so that likely makes it difficult for her to want to have sex with you.
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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18547

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I tell my wife we bombed Syria which sent her into some drunken rant about national security that I can't even begin to recount except one line about, "... ever since Saddam Hussein took out the world trade center." I quietly mumbled to myself, "Forget it, she's rolling." 

Edited by Mitch Cumsteen
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Buzzrock

Buzzrock 14902

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I tell my wife we bombed Syria which sent my wife in some drunken rant about national security that I can't even begin to recount except one line about, "... ever since Saddam Hussein took out the world trade center." I quietly mumbled to myself, "Forget it, she's rolling." 


Still the leader in the clubhouse, folks.
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El Moco

El Moco 45

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15 hours ago, KaiserSoze said:
17 hours ago, El Moco said:
Me last night lying in bed with a rock hard diamond cutter when the wife comes out of the bathroom and sees me waiting.  Goes back in and proceeds to take 15 minutes peeing and brushing her teeth.  Then, she comes out, gets into bed and rolls over away from me.  I give up the chase and go to bed.  This morning, wife says I know you wanted to make love last night, but I was very tired.  Maybe we can do it tonight.  Me, what makes you think I'll even be in the mood.  You ration the pussy so much I've got used to going without anything except excuses.  I expect a date night with Manuela might be in store.

Read more  

Are you still a great big fat person? If so that likely makes it difficult for her to want to have sex with you.

I’m not fat, I’m pleasantly plump.  She’s not a size 4 anymore either.  It’s more like, she’s tired all the time.  Sex or not.

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TKthunder2

TKthunder2 4985

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13 hours ago, El Moco said:

I’m not fat, I’m pleasantly plump.  She’s not a size 4 anymore either.  It’s more like, she’s tired all the time.  Sex or not.

May be a hormone thing (if she’s near that age).  Try to get her to go for a jog with you and get some of those endorphins pumping.

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

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A couple weeks ago, wife made bacon and eggs for breakfast. She had bought a small pack of bacon so that there were 9 pieces for our famiky of four (2 for each of them and 3 for me). Several of us (not my wife) opined that we wished there was more bacon.

So - Friday I picked up some eggs and bacon for Sunday breakfast. Recalling the earlier issue, I made sure to get a pack with 17 slices of bacon in it. Wife makes breakfast and we sit at the table where my wife produces a plate with 9 pieces of cooked bacon on it.

Me: Where is the rest of the bacon?

Wife: In the fridge.

Me: You didnt cook it all?

Wife: There were 17 pieces in the package.

Apparently MY tone wasn't appreciated after that.

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TKthunder2

TKthunder2 4985

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I was in the hospital for a few days having my gallbladder removed and the wife cooked a entire jumbo pack of bacon to put in some sort of cabbage stir fry recipe she found on Pinterest.  She left over half of the ones cooked bacon in a Tupperware container in the back of the fridge which sat there until she decided it was time for her to throw it all away.  I was not happy.

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

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I like Tupperware because it holds food until we're ready to throw it away.
I thought that's what the "doggy-bag" boxes with restaurant leftovers were for. My wife is always bringing home uneaten food "for lunch tomorrow" that ends up sitting in the fridge for a week before throwing it away. God forbid if I were to eat it before then.
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