Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[babysdaddy 2731]

Wife loves to leave things open.
I came home for lunch and to let the dogs out.  Three kitchen drawers were open.  2 cabinets.
Go to the fridge....yep, not closed all the way. Shit was at 52 deg.
If there were a hidden camera in our house, I wonder how many times it would catch me :jagsfanning to nobody.
 
addendum- she also doesn't screw caps on things all the way tight.

This is a staple of every woman on the planet. Caps and cabinets.

[Knoxtnhorn 6307]

Forgot a good one from a couple of years ago.  

My wife is Tennessee born and bred.  We were traveling through W. Texas on our way to Phoenix.  She kept looking at the windmills with a puzzled look on her face.  Finally, she let go...

Wife:  Why are the windmills in such odd places on each farm?

Me:  What do you mean?

Wife:  Seems like they'd want the windmills to be in an easier spot to get the grain to and from.

Me:  What do you think the windmills are for?

Wife:  Grinding grain?

In her defense.  She had only ever seen windmills on tv and assumed they served the same purpose as those in Northern Europe.

[EE2B 1569]

We have two sets of Christmas cards because the first set wasn’t correct. Apparently “Shutterfly” makes a lot of mistakes when they print cards. Both sets are still on the table in the dining room.

[tbone_ 14447]

I don’t think it’s possible to really understand marriage until you pay to fed ex Christmas cards.

[retread 2951]

What's the over on the number of 'wrong' cards that get mailed out?

[EE2B 1569]

I don’t think it’s possible to really understand marriage until you pay to fed ex Christmas cards.

Plus the expedite fees to get them reprinted. I’m not even going to ask what this cost us just to send out a few Christmas cards.

[Dennis Taylor 19355]

Wife is putting return address labels on the Christmas cards while i'm doing expense reports while watching the game. After about 15 minutes there is a string of profanity...she had put all the return address labels on the upper right side of the envelopes. Still waiting to hear how it is my fault. Or maybe Shutterflys...there was a mention of how they don't give you any extra envelopes any more "like they used to" 

   

[WhatTheBuck 28930]

She sounds pretty. 

[davidg 4057]

3 hours ago, babysdaddy said:

 

This is a staple of every woman on the planet. Caps and cabinets.

 

And lights, but I really don't need to tell you that, do I?

[babysdaddy 2731]

And lights, but I really don't need to tell you that, do I?

motherfuckin every cocksucking light in the got damned house. Erreyday

[Trey3216 15452]

1 hour ago, babysdaddy said:

motherfuckin every cocksucking light in the got damned house. Erreyday

My wife pays the cable, electricity, and water/waste/recycling bills out of her personal acct while I pay the mortgage out of mine.   So the lights are thankfully always turned off because she is up to standards re:lights.   

[Modessit 5667]

We have two sets of Christmas cards because the first set wasn’t correct. Apparently “Shutterfly” makes a lot of mistakes when they print cards. Both sets are still on the table in the dining room.

Did it show a nipple?

[hullabelew 3730]

Motherfucker

[HenryJames 67366]

10 hours ago, tbone_ said:

I don’t think it’s possible to really understand marriage until you pay to fed ex Christmas cards.

[El Diablo 4232]

4 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Motherfucker

Somebody talked your wife into buying one of those roller things.

[Kennythetiger 9626]

That's like Mitch's wife and the trash bag by the front door.

[idigTexas 2330]

14 hours ago, ABSR said:

Which is also an island.

I don't think that word means what you think it does, or you are confusing United Kingdom with Great Britain. 

[G650 14437]

You people are literally going to make my face melt.

[TrashMaster G 18092]

11 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Wife is putting return address labels on the Christmas cards while i'm doing expense reports while watching the game. After about 15 minutes there is a string of profanity...she had put all the return address labels on the upper right side of the envelopes. Still waiting to hear how it is my fault. Or maybe Shutterflys...there was a mention of how they don't give you any extra envelopes any more "like they used to" 

   

Somebody gets to make a trip to Target to find a bunch of envelopes just the right size, huh?

[Chad Fuck 18135]

I've overheard my wife tell 3 separate people that her and my daughter ,"are laying reefs at Arlington National Cemetery this weekend."

My six year old says this, but then again, he has no front teeth.

[NorthLoop 14466]

6 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Motherfucker

I'd actually prefer this over the behind-the-back bullshit way my wife loads it. 

[Pogo 286]

6 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Motherfucker

Every other fuckin week in my bathroom.  I've started playing defense and returning the full roll to the cabinet and leaving the empty one there when I'm done.

[WhatTheBuck 28930]

4 minutes ago, Pogo said:

Every other fuckin week in my bathroom.  I've started playing defense and returning the full roll to the cabinet and leaving the empty one there when I'm done.

That'll teach her. 

[EE2B 1569]

Did it show a nipple?

I wish it was something like that. “Shutterfly” put the wrong picture on the back and the border was the wrong color.

[Tylerocks 2603]

15 hours ago, babysdaddy said:

 

This is a staple of every woman on the planet. Caps and cabinets.

 

Well she outdid herself on Saturday.

We drive to lunch on Saturday.  Upon getting out of the car, she proceeds to start walking to the restaurant.  Car door, wide open.

I'm sitting in the drivers seat like "Yo, goober!"

 

[Al_4_ISU 12623]

15 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Forgot a good one from a couple of years ago.  

My wife is Tennessee born and bred.  We were traveling through W. Texas on our way to Phoenix.  She kept looking at the windmills with a puzzled look on her face.  Finally, she let go...

Wife:  Why are the windmills in such odd places on each farm?

Me:  What do you mean?

Wife:  Seems like they'd want the windmills to be in an easier spot to get the grain to and from.

Me:  What do you think the windmills are for?

Wife:  Grinding grain?

In her defense.  She had only ever seen windmills on tv and assumed they served the same purpose as those in Northern Europe.

Living in windmill country, this made my day.

[Al_4_ISU 12623]

1 hour ago, G650 said:

You people are literally going to make my face melt.

Speaking of this, I realize it's a common plague in society, but my wife is horrible with misusing literally.  She knows better too, she just doesn't care.

[Pato del Muerto 53503]

7 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Motherfucker

Do you have some sort of wrought iron gate on your bathroom mirror?  And are there Christmas lights on it?

[Trey3216 15452]

2 hours ago, G650 said:

You people are literally going to make my face melt.

[Telegraph_it 3379]

Not my wife but BIL's wife. It was bad enough I figured I needed to post it

My wife, BIL, BIL's wife, and I are driving to a family dinner this past week. As we are driving a vintage Land Rover drives by in the oncoming lane. The vehicle is pristine and had been imported from across the pond since the driver was on the right side.

SIL says, "Oh wow that guy must be a paraplegic." I'm like what??? Who?

SIL retorts, "They guy that drove by with the steering wheel on the wrong side. He must only have a left leg." I am still not following this logic.

She explains, the steering wheel is installed on the opposite side so he can use his left leg for acceleration and braking pedals.

We all lose it. First off the guy is not a paraplegic, rather he would be an amputee, and second, WTF kind of logic is this? She was serious though and I had to google vehicles from UK to explain with pictures.

[Incredulity 11876]

Date night dinner on Saturday.

Wife: Jordan's(friend of one of our children) mom is being a bitch about blah, blah, blah.  I want to have my parents over for Christmas, but my mom ,.....blah, blah, blah.  I am so tired from running the kids to practice till o'dark thirty....blah, blah, blah.

Incredulity: Offers a bunch of ideas about how to deal with bitch list.

Wife: Upset with all suggestions.

Incredulity: pissed off wife is upset

Wife:  "I just want you to listen, you don't need to fix the problems"

 

TLDR: It's not about the nail.

[HouTex 1942]

Not my wife but BIL's wife. It was bad enough I figured I needed to post it
My wife, BIL, BIL's wife, and I are driving to a family dinner this past week. As we are driving a vintage Land Rover drives by in the oncoming lane. The vehicle is pristine and had been imported from across the pond since the driver was on the right side.
SIL says, "Oh wow that guy must be a paraplegic." I'm like what??? Who?
SIL retorts, "They guy that drove by with the steering wheel on the wrong side. He must only have a left leg." I am still not following this logic.
She explains, the steering wheel is installed on the opposite side so he can use his left leg for acceleration and braking pedals.
We all lose it. First off the guy is not a paraplegic, rather he would be an amputee, and second, WTF kind of logic is this? She was serious though and I had to google vehicles from UK to explain with pictures.

My wife would have called me an asshole for having to prove myself right.

[idigTexas 2330]

1 hour ago, Tylerocks said:

Well she outdid herself on Saturday.

We drive to lunch on Saturday.  Upon getting out of the car, she proceeds to start walking to the restaurant.  Car door, wide open.

I'm sitting in the drivers seat like "Yo, goober!"

 

Candy Crush or facebook?

[MNLonghornFUKM 8984]

Motherfucker

You need more soap dispensers

[Tylerocks 2603]

8 minutes ago, idigTexas said:

Candy Crush or facebook?

Probably Instagram...or FB.

We're way past Candy Crush at this point.

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

24 minutes ago, HouTex said:

My wife would have called me an asshole for having to prove myself right.

This guy wifes.

[Telegraph_it 3379]

26 minutes ago, HouTex said:

My wife would have called me an asshole for having to prove myself right.

Lulz. You would think but my wife cannot stand her SIL so she enjoyed the perplexed looks during my mansplaining. 

[babysdaddy 2731]

33 minutes ago, Incredulity said:

Date night dinner on Saturday.

Wife: Jordan's(friend of one of our children) mom is being a bitch about blah, blah, blah.  I want to have my parents over for Christmas, but my mom ,.....blah, blah, blah.  I am so tired from running the kids to practice till o'dark thirty....blah, blah, blah.

Incredulity: Offers a bunch of ideas about how to deal with bitch list.

Wife: Upset with all suggestions.

Incredulity: pissed off wife is upset

Wife:  "I just want you to listen, you don't need to fix the problems"

 

TLDR: It's not about the nail.

Post the 'nail' anecdote again please.  

 

wrapping presents last night for Christmas and I head off to bed.  This morning when we get up and are getting the kids ready for breakfast I walk into the living room and it looks like a murder scene if shreds of wrapping paper were blood.  Shit everywhere.  scissors on the floor, tape, the cardboard rolls, etc.  Just a mess.  No tone, no words, I just looked at it, defeated and mad at myself for expecting anything different. 

 

Some people like things clean and pick up after themselves.  Some people are wives.    

 

[Incredulity 11876]

2 minutes ago, babysdaddy said:

Post the 'nail' anecdote again please.  

 

wrapping presents last night for Christmas and I head off to bed.  This morning when we get up and are getting the kids ready for breakfast I walk into the living room and it looks like a murder scene if shreds of wrapping paper were blood.  Shit everywhere.  scissors on the floor, tape, the cardboard rolls, etc.  Just a mess.  No tone, no words, I just looked at it, defeated and mad at myself for expecting anything different. 

 

Some people like things clean and pick up after themselves.  Some people are wives.    

 

 

 

 

As an add on;

I said to my wife it literally makes me physically ill to listen to complaints and not try to solve them.  I honestly feel gut punched.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Incredulity

[shakahorn 1658]

59 minutes ago, Telegraph_it said:

Not my wife but BIL's wife. It was bad enough I figured I needed to post it

My wife, BIL, BIL's wife, and I are driving to a family dinner this past week. As we are driving a vintage Land Rover drives by in the oncoming lane. The vehicle is pristine and had been imported from across the pond since the driver was on the right side.

SIL says, "Oh wow that guy must be a paraplegic." I'm like what??? Who?

SIL retorts, "They guy that drove by with the steering wheel on the wrong side. He must only have a left leg." I am still not following this logic.

She explains, the steering wheel is installed on the opposite side so he can use his left leg for acceleration and braking pedals.

We all lose it. First off the guy is not a paraplegic, rather he would be an amputee, and second, WTF kind of logic is this? She was serious though and I had to google vehicles from UK to explain with pictures.

On top of all of that, on right-hand drive vehicles, the gas brake (and clutch if applicable) are in the same relative position as they are on left-hand drive vehicles.  Not like you needed any more ammo.

[G650 14437]

1 hour ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Speaking of this, I realize it's a common plague in society, but my wife is horrible with misusing literally.  She knows better too, she just doesn't care.

She is literally terrible at it is what you are saying....

[Mitch Cumsteen 18963]

4 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

That's like Mitch's wife and the trash bag by the front door.

Oh, she does the toilet paper resting on the bar thing too. That is so commonplace that I didn't ever think to post a picture of it. There are multiple rolls of tp going on in our bathroom. We have one of those rods that sets on the ground and holds 4-5 rolls, so she's just as likely to pull one of those off and use it as she is the one on the holder in the wall. So, at any given time there will be 3-4 "active" rolls either in the holder or scattered next to the shitter sitting on the floor. If she really wants to show off, she will take one of the empty toilet paper rolls and set it on top of the mini garbage can next to the toilet. I'll try to get pics next time. 

[Pato del Muerto 53503]

1 hour ago, Incredulity said:

Date night dinner on Saturday.

Wife: Jordan's(friend of one of our children) mom is being a bitch about blah, blah, blah.  I want to have my parents over for Christmas, but my mom ,.....blah, blah, blah.  I am so tired from running the kids to practice till o'dark thirty....blah, blah, blah.

Incredulity: Offers a bunch of ideas about how to deal with bitch list.

Wife: Upset with all suggestions.

Incredulity: pissed off wife is upset

Wife:  "I just want you to listen, you don't need to fix the problems"

 

TLDR: It's not about the nail.

Then, when you just listen and try to sympathize, you get “you’re no help” or “you are terrible at communicating” because really all she wants is to get mad and release some anger and you are the most common target of opportunity. 

[Pogo 286]

4 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Then, when you just listen and try to sympathize, you get “you’re no help” or “you are terrible at communicating” because really all she wants is to get mad and release some anger and you are the most common target of opportunity. 

I know this isn't the "how to help your marriage thread," but I have significantly cut down on these kinds of issues.  When she starts complaining about something, I stop her and ask if she wants me to fix something or just listen.  Knowing the expectations before the rant really gets rolling helps.  If all she want to do is release anger, I have no problem letting her release anger TO me.  I will not be baited into letting her release anger AT me.

[tbone_ 14447]

That’s a good strategy

[Johnny Sack 8397]

On 12/16/2018 at 11:46 AM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Well if you’re referring to the country of Ireland, technically it’s not an island. Northern Ireland is part of the country of The United Kingdom.

[Brothahorn 10097]

We have two sets of Christmas cards because the first set wasn’t correct. Apparently “Shutterfly” makes a lot of mistakes when they print cards. Both sets are still on the table in the dining room.

Sweet and 22

[Johnny Sack 8397]

I don’t even want to know what we spend on Christmas cards.  I’m quite sure when you add in photographer, printing and stamps, it’s enough to make me puke a bit. 

Edit: and not to mention new outfits or bullshit bought for wife and kids to wear.  

Edited December 17, 2018 by Johnny Sack

[Telegraph_it 3379]

All so you can send cards to people you do not like that shows you can get the entire family to smile together for a couple of seconds. 

I asked my wife if we could maybe narrow down the distribution list since some of those people we do not talk to at all anymore. She looked at me like I was insane. Once you are on the list you cannot be removed apparently. 

[BearSchlong 8240]

On top of all of that, on right-hand drive vehicles, the gas brake (and clutch if applicable) are in the same relative position as they are on left-hand drive vehicles.  Not like you needed any more ammo.

Thank you. I was actually wondering about that.