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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54205

Posted
Posted

"Why do we have all of these Tupperware bowls without lids?

"I don't know."

"I mean, neither of us threw lids away, right?"

"Of course not."

"So the only thing I can think of is that someone took them to work for lunch and only remembered to bring back the bowl.  I don't take these to work.  Do you?"

Tone.

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Brew

Brew 3049

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Tax time.

"It just doesn't seem like we made that much money last year (we being just me, in our case)."

Don't I know it honey.

Like my kids belief in Santa Claus, I can only assume my wife believes that there are money trees somewhere on our property that just mass produce $100 bills. It’s the only explanation at this point other than the fact that she just has no concept of money. I gave her a rough total a few weeks ago on how much is being spent this year on trips and she just couldn’t believe it was anywhere near the amount mentioned. I actually undershot the total.

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8695

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Posted

After living for years with my wife's plastic ware organization scheme, I pulled every thing out of the cabinet and matched bottoms to tops; affixed the bottoms to the tops; and plastic ware back in the cabinet.  Not near as much would fit, but at least I don't have to search for lids every damn time.

Her tried and true method - neatly stack bottoms together by size and shape, store lids together, and spend 10 minutes to match when needed.  With a bunch of miscellaneous plastic ware, that plan sucks.   

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Landomatic

Landomatic 3813

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, Brew said:

Like my kids belief in Santa Claus, I can only assume my wife believes that there are money trees somewhere on our property that just mass produce $100 bills. It’s the only explanation at this point other than the fact that she just has no concept of money. I gave her a rough total a few weeks ago on how much is being spent this year on trips and she just couldn’t believe it was anywhere near the amount mentioned. I actually undershot the total.

Never ceases to amaze me...the few times I've forgotten my wallet when we're out to dinner or lunch and she has to pay the bill, she can't get over how much the total is.  I mean, the prices are on the menu when I'm paying the tab.  But, when she actually sees the total and realizes how expensive even a casual lunch with a couple glasses of wine is because the restaurant has done the math for her, her mind is blown and she all the sudden has a concept of money.

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11646

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Landomatic said:

Never ceases to amaze me...the few times I've forgotten my wallet when we're out to dinner or lunch and she has to pay the bill, she can't get over how much the total is.  I mean, the prices are on the menu when I'm paying the tab.  But, when she actually sees the total and realizes how expensive even a casual lunch with a couple glasses of wine is because the restaurant has done the math for her, her mind is blown and she all the sudden has a concept of money.

It's a fleeting recognition, because you know she SAVED SO MUCH when she bought those 5 pairs of super cute shoes in assorted colors.

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elfenix

elfenix 34221

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

After living for years with my wife's plastic ware organization scheme, I pulled every thing out of the cabinet and matched bottoms to tops; affixed the bottoms to the tops; and plastic ware back in the cabinet.  Not near as much would fit, but at least I don't have to search for lids every damn time.

Her tried and true method - neatly stack bottoms together by size and shape, store lids together, and spend 10 minutes to match when needed.  With a bunch of miscellaneous plastic ware, that plan sucks.   

the real trick is to toss it all out and buy plastic deli containers.  buy some quart, some pint, some cup or 12 oz.  get them all from the same supplier and all the lids will be the same.  never search for a lid again!  toss them when they get nasty.  and they stack.

Edited by elfenix
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next2naus

next2naus 437

Posted
Posted
21 minutes ago, elfenix said:

the real trick is to toss it all out and buy plastic deli containers.  buy some quart, some pint, some cup or 12 oz.  get them all from the same supplier and all the lids will be the same.  never search for a lid again!  toss them when they get nasty.  and they stack.

this is really the way to go. I used to have a deal with the neighborhood Starbucks back in my hard boozing days where they would give me sleeves of small coffee cups and lids and I used these for roadies of Jameson, see a taxi cab won't let you bring an alcoholic drink into the cab but no one cares about a coffee. 

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11024

Posted
Posted
On 4/10/2018 at 9:56 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

Fifteen minutes after arriving at work, I get a phone call. Her car has a flat. Its parked at the kids' school, school says its ok to leave where it is. She's going to Uber to work, can I "take care of it"?

I leave work, drive to the kids' school, park my car, walk to her car, open the hatch, trash blows out, diet coke bottles roll out, and there is a fuck ton of shit in the cargo area that I have to unload before I can get to the spare. List includes:

  • Two recycle bins full of recycling that has been in there  for a week (Oh, I'll take the recycling tomorrow during lunch).
  • Yoga mat
  • Briefcase so full of shit it won't close
  • Work out bag
  • Kids books and other misc kid shit that just piles up in the back seat, and she "cleans out" by throwing into the cargo area
  • Misc trash, junk mail, empty diet coke bottles, etc. (I wonder about the junk mail. Does she check the mail, then if its junk, throw it all the way into the cargo area? wtf? Same with empty diet coke bottles?

It took me longer to unload all that crap than it did to change the tire. Fuck.

 

Update, one week later:

I go to pile some shit in the recycle bins, and no bins. They aren't in her car. I ask her "Where are the recycle bins?" Answer: "Oh, I got tired of them being in the car, so I took them out and put them in my office."

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Knoxtnhorn

Knoxtnhorn 5971

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Posted

My wife once purchased 40 Easter baskets because they were on sale for something like 5 for a dollar.  When asked what she was going to do with them, she replied, “I’m not sure but they’ll come in handy one day.”  They sat under the guest bathroom sink for weeks.

i waited about 3 months before trashing all of them.

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Sandman

Sandman 3403

Posted
Posted

My wife's money trick is to round down (a lot) for something she likes/wants and to overestimate things I want/she doesn't like. So she wants something that is marked $38.99, she says, "Well, it's only 30 bucks!", as if the last $10 just gets waived off at the register. Or if I want some new gadget, she'll say "That's probably 50-60 bucks, too expensive" and I show her the price tag of $22 and she just turns up her nose at it. 

She does the same thing with store hours. If I tell her we need to get the car to the dealership first thing on Saturday, she'll say "Well, they probably don't open till 11." I say, "Yeah, a car dealer is gonna give up 2-3 hours of possible sales on the only weekend day they can be open, sure thing." Tone. She just doesn't want to get up at 8 on a Saturday but won't admit it.

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4448

Posted
Posted
20 minutes ago, Sandman said:

My wife's money trick is to round down (a lot) for something she likes/wants and to overestimate things I want/she doesn't like. So she wants something that is marked $38.99, she says, "Well, it's only 30 bucks!", as if the last $10 just gets waived off at the register. Or if I want some new gadget, she'll say "That's probably 50-60 bucks, too expensive" and I show her the price tag of $22 and she just turns up her nose at it. 

She does the same thing with store hours. If I tell her we need to get the car to the dealership first thing on Saturday, she'll say "Well, they probably don't open till 11." I say, "Yeah, a car dealer is gonna give up 2-3 hours of possible sales on the only weekend day they can be open, sure thing." Tone. She just doesn't want to get up at 8 on a Saturday but won't admit it.

My ex would do something similar. I wanted a 6 pack of good beer at $9.99 she would be like. Why don't you just get Coors light, you can't taste the difference after a couple anyway.... Then she would buy the expensive ice cream. 

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F250

F250 28762

Posted
Posted

A little while ago I went into my garage and detected a hint of a dead animal smell. I'm thinking a critter crawled in and died. I go looking for what I thought was either a dead animal or zombie hiding behind in the corner when I noticed my RTIC cooler sitting in the corner. Oh shit!

I walk up to the cooler, take a deep breath and open it. In it I see two packages of rotting chicken floating in water.

I call my wife and ask her how the chicken ended up sitting in my cooler. Apparently she was using the grill for dinner while the kids were swimming a couple of weeks ago. She ended up not using the chicken but just put it in the cooler with ice because it stays cold for a long time.

Her: Doesn't that thing keep stuff cold for a really long time?

Me: Yeah but not for over two weeks after its been sitting in the garage. Why didn't you just put it in the freezer?

Her: because it was supposed to stay cold in the cooler.

firefly.gif

 

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Landomatic

Landomatic 3813

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, F250 said:

A little while ago I went into my garage and detected a hint of a dead animal smell. I'm thinking a critter crawled in and died. I go looking for what I thought was either a dead animal or zombie hiding behind in the corner when I noticed my RTIC cooler sitting in the corner. Oh shit!

I walk up to the cooler, take a deep breath and open it. In it I see two packages of rotting chicken floating in water.

I call my wife and ask her how the chicken ended up sitting in my cooler. Apparently she was using the grill for dinner while the kids were swimming a couple of weeks ago. She ended up not using the chicken but just put it in the cooler with ice because it stays cold for a long time.

Her: Doesn't that thing keep stuff cold for a really long time?

Me: Yeah but not for over two weeks after its been sitting in the garage. Why didn't you just put it in the freezer?

Her: because it was supposed to stay cold in the cooler.

firefly.gif

 

Shoulda got the Yeti.  Stupid sip.

/aggy

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Brew

Brew 3049

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Posted

Wife was complaining about not feeling good at supper tonight and thought she was running a fever. She uses the kids forehead thermometer and says something to the effect of see I have a fever. She turned it around where I could see it and it’s showing 98.2. I just turned around and walked off.

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Thatguy

Thatguy 8671

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, Landomatic said:

So you’re literally bitching about an $8 expense from 10 years ago?

Let me know when your wife’s Louie Vuitton rep has her on speed dial.  Until then...shut the fuck up.

You sir have forgotten the the title of this thread.

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Thatguy

Thatguy 8671

Posted
Posted
23 hours ago, Incredulity said:

It's a fleeting recognition, because you know she SAVED SO MUCH when she bought those 5 pairs of super cute shoes in assorted colors.

 

This guy gets it. My wife showed me a sale on some new patio furniture. "I can get a two chairs and a table for only this much". She came back with 4 chairs and two tables. I just laughed.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17539

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, F250 said:

A little while ago I went into my garage and detected a hint of a dead animal smell. I'm thinking a critter crawled in and died. I go looking for what I thought was either a dead animal or zombie hiding behind in the corner when I noticed my RTIC cooler sitting in the corner. Oh shit!

I walk up to the cooler, take a deep breath and open it. In it I see two packages of rotting chicken floating in water.

I call my wife and ask her how the chicken ended up sitting in my cooler. Apparently she was using the grill for dinner while the kids were swimming a couple of weeks ago. She ended up not using the chicken but just put it in the cooler with ice because it stays cold for a long time.

Her: Doesn't that thing keep stuff cold for a really long time?

Me: Yeah but not for over two weeks after its been sitting in the garage. Why didn't you just put it in the freezer?

Her: because it was supposed to stay cold in the cooler.

firefly.gif

 

So, either she admits she forgot the chicken or she says she thought a cooler could chill food indefinitely.  

And she opts for the magic cooler theory.

[Spock] Fascinating....  [/Spock]

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F250

F250 28762

Posted
Posted
35 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Regular morning at the house:

1.  As I'm getting in the shower, wife says, "I'm going to work, bye!"

2.  I end up leaving for work before she does.

I believe this is the result of some law of nature.

 

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

Posted
Posted
47 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Regular morning at the house:

1.  As I'm getting in the shower, wife says, "I'm going to work, bye!"

2.  I end up leaving for work before she does.

I'd love to see an activity list. Guessing it goes something like this:

  • "Heading out."
  • These shoes are uncomfortable > get new shoes
  • This dress doesn't match these shoes > new dress
  • I hate this dress > new dress
  • These shoes don't match > new shoes
  • "Heading out"
  • Forgets keys 
  • Returns to house to get keys
  • Goes to car 
  • Forgets coffee
  • Returns to house to get coffee
  • Forgets phone
  • Returns to house to get phone
  • Picks up phone, checks facebook
  • Kills 10 minutes on facebook
  • Refills coffee
  • Heads to car: "Heading out"

Fin

 

 

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