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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4,232

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14 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

i hate the placements of the lamps. wtf?

 

straighten out the pillows

 

mismatching end tables is not cool

 

runner game not strong

 

should've bought a new ottoman while she was out and about

Bed directly in front of the window was just wrong placement to start with. Whole thing needs to be redone.

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texashorne

texashorne 1,194

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Wife asks me if we could keep her sister's two yorkies, which are not housebroken, while she is off on a ski trip. If you ask me why her sister has never housebroken the dogs, I will ask you to consider her gender and look and the thread title. 

Me: We can keep them, as long as you clean up when they piss and/or shit on the floor. 

Wife: That's fine. I can do that. 

....Day 1 of Yorkies: 5 separate piles of shit in my house. Guess how many  piles of shit have been cleaned up by the wife. Also, guess who nearly tore an ACL slipping on dog piss in the kitchen. 

 

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26,439

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6 minutes ago, texashorne said:

Wife asks me if we could keep her sister's two yorkies, which are not housebroken, while she is off on a ski trip. If you ask me why her sister has never housebroken the dogs, I will ask you to consider her gender and look and the thread title. 

Me: We can keep them, as long as you clean up when they piss and/or shit on the floor. 

Wife: That's fine. I can do that. 

....Day 1 of Yorkies: 5 separate piles of shit in my house. Guess how many  piles of shit have been cleaned up by the wife. Also, guess who nearly tore an ACL slipping on dog piss in the kitchen. 

 

Get a kennel and put those fuckers in the garage.

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8,983

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7 minutes ago, texashorne said:

Wife asks me if we could keep her sister's two yorkies, which are not housebroken, while she is off on a ski trip. If you ask me why her sister has never housebroken the dogs, I will ask you to consider her gender and look and the thread title. 

Me: We can keep them, as long as you clean up when they piss and/or shit on the floor. 

Wife: That's fine. I can do that. 

....Day 1 of Yorkies: 5 separate piles of shit in my house. Guess how many  piles of shit have been cleaned up by the wife. Also, guess who nearly tore an ACL slipping on dog piss in the kitchen. 

 

yea youre not going to get any sympathy from any of us. especially when you put it on your wife to pick it up. A simple no from the start and make your sister in law board them while she has to go skiing.

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RollLeft

RollLeft 5,090

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11 minutes ago, texashorne said:

Wife asks me if we could keep her sister's two yorkies, which are not housebroken, while she is off on a ski trip. If you ask me why her sister has never housebroken the dogs, I will ask you to consider her gender and look and the thread title. 

Me: We can keep them, as long as you clean up when they piss and/or shit on the floor. 

Wife: That's fine. I can do that. 

....Day 1 of Yorkies: 5 separate piles of shit in my house. Guess how many  piles of shit have been cleaned up by the wife. Also, guess who nearly tore an ACL slipping on dog piss in the kitchen. 

 

You chose poorly.  

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HenryJames

HenryJames 67,359

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29 minutes ago, texashorne said:

Wife asks me if we could keep her sister's two yorkies, which are not housebroken, while she is off on a ski trip. If you ask me why her sister has never housebroken the dogs, I will ask you to consider her gender and look and the thread title. 

Me: We can keep them, as long as you clean up when they piss and/or shit on the floor. 

Wife: That's fine. I can do that. 

....Day 1 of Yorkies: 5 separate piles of shit in my house. Guess how many  piles of shit have been cleaned up by the wife. Also, guess who nearly tore an ACL slipping on dog piss in the kitchen. 

 

giphy.gif

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 22,297

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I realize that when your wife asked if you could keep her sister's two yorkies what she really meant was we are keeping my sister's two yorkies, but do you not have a garage or laundry room.  If you let them have free reign of your house you are going to be forced to constantly rub your wife's nose in piles of shit and piss.  

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2,313

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Took a quick road trip over the weekend to Scurry County. I had driven the first six hours from Houston and was struggling to keep my eyes open after the sun went down so I asked Mrs CL to drive the last hour to my aunt's house. 

We eventually get off the main highway and turn onto an FM road with no street lights and no other traffic. I suggest to Mrs CL that she turn on her bright lights. She says she is OK. 

We go over a hill and it's dark as shit. I'm worried about running into a deer or not being able to see curves in the road. I suggest the bright lights again. She says she can see fine. 

We go another 30 seconds and now I say, "Dammit, turn on your bright lights!"

She responds, "I would if I knew how! That's too complicated for me to figure out right now."

"All you have to do is push the turn signal lever forward."

She does and the bright lights come on.

"Why didn't you tell me how simple that was?"

I was awake by then and started driving again. 

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Victorious1

Victorious1 181

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My wife suggested I grill hamburgers this evening for dinner.  I told her the weather forecast shows snow at 3PM (we live north of ABQ, NM) and I would do them for lunch because I didn't want fire up the grill & do burgers in the snow. 

Wife:  "It's NOT going to snow today...the worse is not supposed to arrive until tomorrow morning."  My son had high school basketball practice at 10AM so I postponed hamburgers for another day.  By the time I go pick my son up from practice at 12PM there's already 2 inches of fresh snow down.  We have not seen temps above freezing since Thursday so it was very slick and people are driving 20/30mph down the highway.  We walk in the house and my son starts telling the wife "Mom, the streets are so slick the cars were sliding all over the road". 

Wife:  (from the couch under her blanket) "The streets can't be slick, it barely snowed".

Me:  [shakes head]

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ABSR

ABSR 5,370

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3 hours ago, texashorne said:

I thought I could build up some political capital by agreeing to keep them. There have been talks of us getting a dog, and the SIL keeping it would save me from having to board it.. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

You are getting a dog when your wife decides to get a dog.  And likely an expensive one that she will actively treat in a manner that will counter and undermine your efforts to houes train the dog.

Here is my Dad's dog/wife story.   Dad is in the Navy in 1960's, recently married to my mom, and getting ready to deploy to SE Asia.   Mom says she wants a dog.  Dad says "No, do not get a dog as we don't have room, money, time."   Dad's ship returns from 6-9 months overseas deployment.   No one meets him/ship on pier upon return.  Dad gets a ride home from a friend and is greeted as he opens the door by a Basset Hound bolting from the house and doing it's best Greyhound impersonation as it tries to run away.  Dad drops his bags and spends the next 10 minutes chasing down the dog they were not suppose to have.   He get's back to the house with the dog and my Mom telling him she thought he was getting in tomorrow.

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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 106,894

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You are getting a dog when your wife decides to get a dog.  And likely an expensive one that she will actively treat in a manner that will counter and undermine your efforts to houes train the dog.
Here is my Dad's dog/wife story.   Dad is in the Navy in 1960's, recently married to my mom, and getting ready to deploy to SE Asia.   Mom says she wants a dog.  Dad says "No, do not get a dog as we don't have room, money, time."   Dad's ship returns from 6-9 months overseas deployment.   No one meets him/ship on pier upon return.  Dad gets a ride home from a friend and is greeted as he opens the door by a Basset Hound bolting from the house and doing it's best Greyhound impersonation as it tries to run away.  Dad drops his bags and spends the next 10 minutes chasing down the dog they were not suppose to have.   He get's back to the house with the dog and my Mom telling him she thought he was getting in tomorrow.

Your mom musta had REALLY big tits.
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T’Boo Ted Marshall

T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,779

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I thought I could build up some political capital by agreeing to keep them. There have been talks of us getting a dog, and the SIL keeping it would save me from having to board it.. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

Make sure you use the thicker nitrile gloves to pick up the poop.
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