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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Apep

Apep 645

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4 hours ago, UTEX90 said:

My wife is constantly walking around the house turning off lights when she gets hot.  I tell her the light bulbs are not giving off enough heat to cause her to be hot, she needs to turn the air conditioner up.  She believes I am completely full of shit and that by turning off the lights she will be cool and comfortable.  Last night she was complaining about being cold and I told her to just turn on the lights and she should be fine.  Tone.

Do you still have halogen and incandescents?

Even if you don’t, it could be almost Pavlovian at this point. 

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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28,781

Posted
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7 hours ago, UTEX90 said:

My wife is constantly walking around the house turning off lights when she gets hot.  I tell her the light bulbs are not giving off enough heat to cause her to be hot, she needs to turn the air conditioner up.  She believes I am completely full of shit and that by turning off the lights she will be cool and comfortable.  Last night she was complaining about being cold and I told her to just turn on the lights and she should be fine.  Tone.

That's funny. My response is dramatically different when your wife gets hot and turns out the lights. 

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5,211

Posted
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7 hours ago, UTEX90 said:

My wife is constantly walking around the house turning off lights when she gets hot.  I tell her the light bulbs are not giving off enough heat to cause her to be hot, she needs to turn the air conditioner up.  She believes I am completely full of shit and that by turning off the lights she will be cool and comfortable.  Last night she was complaining about being cold and I told her to just turn on the lights and she should be fine.  Tone.

Wait, she turns off lights and doesn't fuck with the thermostat?  Tell me when you can't tolerate her "behavior" any more, I'll be there to take over for you.

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lateshow

lateshow 1,304

Posted
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On 1/12/2019 at 5:02 PM, Anwar Namtut said:
On 1/11/2019 at 11:03 PM, TTU13 said:
We travel a lot and often come across pockets with little to no cell phone service. My wife thought she could enable the hot spot on my phone to get wifi on hers.

She straight up believed that enabling the hot spot, when no cell service is available, automatically “gets internet”.

It took several different attempts to explain how it truly works.

My wife thought using her Bluetooth headphones used cell data.

Mine too.

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LebongJames

LebongJames 1,810

Posted
Posted
On 1/13/2019 at 12:23 PM, UTEX90 said:

My wife is constantly walking around the house turning off lights when she gets hot.  I tell her the light bulbs are not giving off enough heat to cause her to be hot, she needs to turn the air conditioner up.  She believes I am completely full of shit and that by turning off the lights she will be cool and comfortable.  Last night she was complaining about being cold and I told her to just turn on the lights and she should be fine.  Tone.

Turning the AC up won’t help with being hot.

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UTEX90

UTEX90 589

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30 minutes ago, AM Wood said:

cranking the air conditioner unit up to make it run does work. you are getting that confused with the thermostat. if you turn THAT up then you are stupid.

This man gets it.  Turn the AC up to make it cooler (In order to do that you have turn the thermostat down).  Turn the heater up to make it warmer (In order to do that you have to turn the Thermostat up).  I feel like I'm debating my wife.  Just turn off the lights!

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17,554

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1 hour ago, LebongJames said:

Turning the AC up won’t help with being hot.

 

58 minutes ago, Modessit said:

Yeah, it drives me nuts to when people say that. If you want it cooler, then you turn the temp DOWN.

Its like the morons who leave Austin to go "down to Dallas".

If I am in my car, what do I do to make it cooler?

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18,549

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It was my daughter's 12th birthday a few days ago. My wife bought her balloons in the shape of a "1" and a "2". They have kept their helium since we bought them. My wife decided to throw them away today. I come home to find the two balloons floating above our garbage can with the ribbon stuck inside the can to keep them from flying away. 

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tbone_

tbone_ 14,123

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Posted
It was my daughter's 12th birthday a few days ago. My wife bought her balloons in the shape of a "1" and a "2". They have kept their helium since we bought them. My wife decided to throw them away today. I come home to find the two balloons floating above our garbage can with the ribbon stuck inside the can to keep them from flying away. 

You better have a pic of this
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Upgrayedd

Upgrayedd 5,811

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The Avatar sends me this text this afternoon: “Back country is pissing me off! I sent an email about my refund and they are telling ne the code I am sending us from 2017.  You may need to call before I lose my shit.”

Me: Forward me the email.

Reads email.

Return text:  You do realize that the email and RMA you forwarded to them was from 2016, right?

Avatar:  Tone

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Judge Roybeanbag

Judge Roybeanbag 11,819

Posted
Posted
16 hours ago, UTEX90 said:

This man gets it.  Turn the AC up to make it cooler (In order to do that you have turn the thermostat down).  Turn the heater up to make it warmer (In order to do that you have to turn the Thermostat up).  I feel like I'm debating my wife.  Just turn off the lights!

I learned to simplify this early on.  In my house it's "adjust the thermostat to make it cooler" or "adjust the thermostat to make it warmer".  Or something like that.

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Telegraph_it

Telegraph_it 3,357

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My wife changes what purse she uses for the day frequently. As a result, she cannot manage to keep track of her house key. The key is not attached to the car key because reasons. This has caused her to be locked out of the house on numerous occasions. We now simply do not lock the house. I had a caveat that at a minimum we set the alarm but doing that is too complicated apparently (thankfully mobile app solves this for me if I remember). 

If any of y'all want free stuff just find my house. 

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28,781

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14 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

It was my daughter's 12th birthday a few days ago. My wife bought her balloons in the shape of a "1" and a "2". They have kept their helium since we bought them. My wife decided to throw them away today. I come home to find the two balloons floating above our garbage can with the ribbon stuck inside the can to keep them from flying away. 

Tell your wife to save them so you can reuse them when your daughter turns 21. 

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huge

huge 3,793

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19 minutes ago, Telegraph_it said:

My wife changes what purse she uses for the day frequently. As a result, she cannot manage to keep track of her house key. The key is not attached to the car key because reasons. This has caused her to be locked out of the house on numerous occasions. We now simply do not lock the house. I had a caveat that at a minimum we set the alarm but doing that is too complicated apparently (thankfully mobile app solves this for me if I remember). 

If any of y'all want free stuff just find my house. 

A hide-a-key is too difficult as well I assume?

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luke duke

luke duke 6,413

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My wife changes what purse she uses for the day frequently. As a result, she cannot manage to keep track of her house key. The key is not attached to the car key because reasons. This has caused her to be locked out of the house on numerous occasions. We now simply do not lock the house. I had a caveat that at a minimum we set the alarm but doing that is too complicated apparently (thankfully mobile app solves this for me if I remember). 
If any of y'all want free stuff just find my house. 


I would lock the door and not answer the phone when she calls because she’s locked out.
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fattyflattie

fattyflattie 4,639

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2 hours ago, Telegraph_it said:

My wife changes what purse she uses for the day frequently. As a result, she cannot manage to keep track of her house key. The key is not attached to the car key because reasons. This has caused her to be locked out of the house on numerous occasions. We now simply do not lock the house. I had a caveat that at a minimum we set the alarm but doing that is too complicated apparently (thankfully mobile app solves this for me if I remember). 

If any of y'all want free stuff just find my house. 

Holy shit. My wife would have to get used to being locked out. Fuck that noise (assuming you don’t live in a town of less than 300) 

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Buffsoldier

Buffsoldier 1,895

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Telegraph_it said:

My wife changes what purse she uses for the day frequently. As a result, she cannot manage to keep track of her house key. The key is not attached to the car key because reasons. This has caused her to be locked out of the house on numerous occasions. We now simply do not lock the house. I had a caveat that at a minimum we set the alarm but doing that is too complicated apparently (thankfully mobile app solves this for me if I remember). 

If any of y'all want free stuff just find my house. 

1. Come home early one day.

2. Rough up the house a bit.

3. Remove some of her valuable stuff (you can claim you bought it off of craigslist later).

4. Show her what happens when you don't lock the house/set the alarm.

5. ????

6. Profit.

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txhorns

txhorns 2,409

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9 minutes ago, tbone_ said:


The keypad garage door opener could be your answer. We have one. 4 digit code opens the garage door from the outside.

We have that.  My wife tried to use it one day but forgot the code.  The code is her birthday.

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Sandman

Sandman 3,403

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Telegraph_it said:

My wife changes what purse she uses for the day frequently. As a result, she cannot manage to keep track of her house key. The key is not attached to the car key because reasons. This has caused her to be locked out of the house on numerous occasions. We now simply do not lock the house. I had a caveat that at a minimum we set the alarm but doing that is too complicated apparently (thankfully mobile app solves this for me if I remember). 

If any of y'all want free stuff just find my house. 

My wife switches purses around on the reg. It never fails, that gift card/receipt/coupon/membership card we need at some point are in one of the other purses. 

Edited by Sandman
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ztejas

ztejas 43,425

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2 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

balloons-garbage.jpg

It's crazy how fast time goes. One minute they're just a wire-mesh trashcan next to the toilet without a bag in it. Then one day you look up and they're outside your home, all grown up with their own set of wheels, ready to enter the great unknown. 

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18,549

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2 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Yes, I thought they were in Cumsteen's garage, not out on the curb for the garbage men.  Those guys are going to think, "What the fuck??!".

Greatness.

Oh, no way she took it all the way to the curb. I consider it a moral victory that she didn't just leave them by the front door for me. The can was sitting at the back end of the driveway. I got home, shook my head, snapped a picture for posterity, took my keys out of my pocket and punctured the balloons and then stuffed them into the can and dragged its ass out to the curb. 

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Teamdirtyleg

Teamdirtyleg 1,060

Posted
Posted
On 1/5/2019 at 10:26 AM, BurntEyes said:

This. Bearschlong is among my favorite posters, which is heavily influenced by his normally spot on posting.

However in this thread he's clearly suffering from a case of pussy delusions.

We've all been there so no judgements.

I don't know...My wife has always been lame in the sack.  Granted it's gotten even worse.

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Teamdirtyleg

Teamdirtyleg 1,060

Posted
Posted
On 1/6/2019 at 4:13 PM, Johnny Sack said:

My wife is going back to work this week after mainly just doing part time contract legal work for the last 9 years (since first child was born).  She’s earning a good salary considering she’s only working 25 hours per week.  Her new firm is near our house.  And she still can pick the kids up after school.  I’m pretty happy about this.  

 

We understand Johnny.  Your wife knows your handle and is reading this thread.  Good move.

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