Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Modessit 5,603]

I'm not surprised, I guess.  But, I am confounded by how one simply stops short of removing the key from the lock after completing the act of unlocking and opening the door.  I once delivered a set of car and house keys to a woman at her house after finding them still in the mail box lock.  You can imagine where it goes from here.    

There were posts on the old site about how women have to carry 5 different bags of stuff to their car every day and bring them all back in again at night despite never using some of them. They probably have too much stuff to carry, set something down, unlock the door, pick their stuff up and go in - forgetting the keys are still in the lock.

 

[AM Wood 335]

51 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Coworkers you barely know, who make snarky comments at the coffee station.   "You want some coffee with that sugar?"  It took all the restraint I had not to say "Maybe, you want some 3rd degree burns around that smart mouth?"

someone has a case of the mondays.

[Dennis Taylor 18,837]

1 hour ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Yup, sorry.  I had both open and put it in the wrong one.    

[elfenix 34,326]

2 hours ago, PvilleStang said:

Until you dump half your grocery budget into the trash every week...

if an extra cup of uncooked rice is half your grocery budget you should eat mcdoubles instead.

[ztejas 43,490]

Oh shit he went Surly meta

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

29 minutes ago, elfenix said:

if an extra cup of uncooked rice is half your grocery budget you should eat mcdoubles instead.

Just don't leave it in the sink overnight.

[Pato del Muerto 52,529]

2 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Coworkers you barely know, who make snarky comments at the coffee station.   "You want some coffee with that sugar?"  It took all the restraint I had not to say "Maybe, you want some 3rd degree burns around that smart mouth?"

This is the type of response I’d expect from someone all hopped up on sugar and caffeine. 

[Nivek 16,946]

Coworkers you barely know, who make snarky comments at the coffee station.   "You want some coffee with that sugar?"  It took all the restraint I had not to say "Maybe, you want some 3rd degree burns around that smart mouth?"

Sugar in coffee? Are you 12?

[tejas60 3,533]

3 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

This is the type of response I’d expect from someone all hopped up on sugar and caffeine. 

just don't let him see you go in a port-a-john when he's all hopped up on sugar and caffeine.

and crown.

[SHOOTER12 8,811]

On 1/15/2019 at 11:36 AM, txhorns said:

We have that.  My wife tried to use it one day but forgot the code.  The code is her birthday.

Ho Lee Chit...speechress I am.

[Charles DeMar 221]

21 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Fair. If he said she's buying free range, No GMO, fair trade rice at $25 bucks per grain, he'd have a point.

Should've said that.  Lots of waste, so me taking lunch is a theoretical win-win.

 

The rice was just an example.  Not the budget breaker.  The free range, soy free, vegetarian fed beef, lamb, chicken, etc. on top of the super expensive EVOO she uses by the gallon are the big ticket items that add up.

Edited January 18, 2019 by Charles DeMar

[General Specific 3,262]

No.  I do the same thing.  

Well, if I am wrong, I don’t want to be right!

[markstanco 12,581]

Mrs Stanco just called me.

"The guy that is supposed to fix the bathroom sink didnt show up today, you need to call them"

"What time were they supposed to be there?"

"After lunch today"

[Pato del Muerto 52,529]

How much pipe do you think will be laid at your house today?

[Trey3216 15,349]

8 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

How much pipe do you think will be laid at your house today?

About 8 feet, 4 inches at a time for 30 seconds.  

[Judge Roybeanbag 11,819]

31 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

About 8 feet, 4 inches at a time for 30 seconds.  

I was told there would be no math.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

Mrs CL comes into my study this morning. 

"Do you know which box of contacts is for which eye? They don't say right or left."

"OS and OD mean right and left but I can't remember which one is which. Google it."

(walks off and comes back two minutes later)

"OK, found it, but next question is, my right or the doctor's right? It doesn't say."

[Pato del Muerto 52,529]

Guessing s is left and d is right (sine and dextro)

[SilasCoade 2,622]

17 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Guessing s is left and d is right (sine and dextro)

Close. Dexter and sinister. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dexter_and_sinister

(Sine is latin for without. http://latindictionary.wikidot.com/preposition:sine)

[miguelito 11,266]

Haha, stupid wife doesn't know Latin!

 

 

Unless you count the Latin pool boy.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,907]

To be fair, would it really be that difficult just to put left and right on there.  I realize that wouldn't give them the opportunity to seem superior when you have ask them what OD and OS mean, but wouldn't it make more sense just to put it in English since we are not living in ancient Rome.  Maybe next time you have to pay for the contacts you should write them a check in Latin.

Edited January 19, 2019 by NeverMarryAStripper

[tbone_ 14,132]

Mine don’t say shit. I have to check the prescription for each eye and label them with a sharpie.

[Txzen 498]

[mulletpelini 5,213]

On 1/17/2019 at 7:43 PM, Nivek said:

Sugar in coffee? Are you 12?

I just assumed since it was the wife thread he was making it for her?  I mean, although I gues it wouldn't be a stupid thing to say, "hey put a bunch of sugar in my coffee since I'm not a real man"

[Pato del Muerto 52,529]

Put some whiskey in your water 

sugar in your tea

whats all these crazy questions you been asking me?

[Upgrayedd 5,815]

1 hour ago, Txzen said:

Looks like you get to experience the wonderful world of fiberglass and epoxy.  Do it from the inside.

[Chewbacca 7,780]

That's why you put something on the ground where the car goes in the garage whenever the rocket box goes on.

[Txzen 498]

Public parking garage. Said the attendant was screaming at her but she didn’t know what the fuss was about so she kept driving. 

The thing lives on our small SUV this time of year because of ski season. We’re literally going to buy a used POS mountain car so I can keep this stuff on the roof without fear that she’ll forget it’s there. Money well spent. No more ulcers. 

[NorthLoop 14,216]

damn. yall are really white

[Modessit 5,603]

My wife joined Instagram for the sole purpose of following a TV show that she's been binge watching on Netflix. She's watched all 10 seasons and season 11 probably won't be added for 3 or 4 months. Apparently new episodes (season 12) are only shown in Canada. She's been whining for weeks about how much it sucks that she has to wait, so I finally showed her TeaTV and that it not only has season 11, but is adding season 12 episodes as they come out.

Wife just told me she's been talking to others on the Instagram page who are upset Netflix doesn't have season 11 yet and that she told them how to watch it on TeaTV.

[mulletpelini 5,213]

so she actually followed your advice and you're upset about it?  You're not a total stranger, I'm not understanding the problem here.

[RoundRobin 828]

Did you at least get a bj?

[OrangEngr 1,035]

3 hours ago, Modessit said:

My wife joined Instagram for the sole purpose of following a TV show that she's been binge watching on Netflix. She's watched all 10 seasons and season 11 probably won't be added for 3 or 4 months. Apparently new episodes (season 12) are only shown in Canada. She's been whining for weeks about how much it sucks that she has to wait, so I finally showed her TeaTV and that it not only has season 11, but is adding season 12 episodes as they come out.

Wife just told me she's been talking to others on the Instagram page who are upset Netflix doesn't have season 11 yet and that she told them how to watch it on TeaTV.

Is it that stupid fucking horse show?

[Newdoc 3,448]

3 hours ago, RoundRobin said:

Did you at least get a bj?

[Modessit 5,603]

so she actually followed your advice and you're upset about it?  You're not a total stranger, I'm not understanding the problem here.

It's like if you tell your wife where to buy marijuana and she goes onto APD's FB page and tells people who are complaining that pot is illegal.

 

[Modessit 5,603]

Is it that stupid fucking horse show?

Heartland? Yeah.

[miguelito 11,266]

"Do you think my mom [in Seattle] can see the lunar eclipse?  I don't know if she's in the right hemisphere or whatever."

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

5 minutes ago, miguelito said:

"Do you think my mom [in Seattle] can see the lunar eclipse?  I don't know if she's in the right hemisphere or whatever."

We could write a book called wIves and the stupid shit they say/do during celestial events.

[miguelito 11,266]

Later she wondered what the early humans thought when they saw stuff like eclipses.  And I thought to myself "probably the same things you think."

[EE2B 1,565]

My wife was helping my kindergartner with some math homework over the weekend. I’m sitting on the couch entertaining the two year old and I hear my wife tell my 5 year old:
“I have a doctorate degree!”
Apparently my wife was telling my daughter something she didn’t agree with so my wife had to lay down some degree smack.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

13 hours ago, Modessit said:

Wife just told me she's been talking to others on the Instagram page who are upset Netflix doesn't have season 11 yet and that she told them how to watch it on TeaTV.

Yeah, most Netflix executives aren't Chris Plonsky.

"What do you think about all of the internet streams of tonight's football game because no cable providers carry LHN?"

"What? I've never heard of that. That's impossible."

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

1 hour ago, miguelito said:

"Do you think my mom [in Seattle] can see the lunar eclipse?  I don't know if she's in the right hemisphere or whatever."

 

1 hour ago, miguelito said:

Later she wondered what the early humans thought when they saw stuff like eclipses.  And I thought to myself "probably the same things you think."

You missed the perfect opportunity to give her your glasses from the 2017 eclipse event 

 

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

11 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

 

You missed the perfect opportunity to give her your glasses from the 2017 eclipse event 

 

My 9 year old called me yesterday afternoon asking where the eclipse glasses were. He was getting prepared. 

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

1 hour ago, miguelito said:

"Do you think my mom [in Seattle] can see the lunar eclipse?  I don't know if she's in the right hemisphere or whatever."

In my 45 years on this planet I have yet to hear a statement from the female gender that ends in these 2 words that DOESN'T immediately deserve the Tommy Lee Jones look.  Or worse.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11,819]

1 hour ago, miguelito said:

"Do you think my mom [in Seattle] can see the lunar eclipse?  I don't know if she's in the right hemisphere or whatever."

My wife, who is generally pretty smart, apparently thought it worked like TV shows.  She went outside at 8:30.  Came in and said "nothing's happening yet!".  I said that's because it doesn't start until just past 9:30.  Her:   "But it said 9:30 Eastern Time, that's 8:30 our time!!!"  

[gyroprotagonist 2,594]

31 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

My wife, who is generally pretty smart, apparently thought it worked like TV shows.  She went outside at 8:30.  Came in and said "nothing's happening yet!".  I said that's because it doesn't start until just past 9:30.  Her:   "But it said 9:30 Eastern Time, that's 8:30 our time!!!"  

 

should have told her it's due to moonlight savings time.  

[Pato del Muerto 52,529]

Have you tried telling them that a lunar eclipse happens when the sun goes in front of the moon, with its dark side facing earth?

[Beau Vine 54,273]

5 hours ago, miguelito said:

Later she wondered what the early humans thought when they saw stuff like eclipses.  And I thought to myself "probably the same things you think."

[HouTex 1,885]

My wife, who is generally pretty smart, apparently thought it worked like TV shows.  She went outside at 8:30.  Came in and said "nothing's happening yet!".  I said that's because it doesn't start until just past 9:30.  Her:   "But it said 9:30 Eastern Time, that's 8:30 our time!!!"  

???? So you are in ET?

[VolenteHawk 495]

7 hours ago, miguelito said:

Later she wondered what the early humans thought when they saw stuff like eclipses.  And I thought to myself "probably the same things you think."

Congrats on saving at least a little chance of ever getting laid again. I think of a joke that good, I probably can’t hold it in, regardless of consequences.