Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[TTU13 108]

My dog only drinks bottled water. 

My plumber told me I was dumb for using tap water for my dog.

I told him my dog licks her own butthole. He was not amused.

[TTU13 108]

Or the dome light left on.

This. I installed motion sensors in rooms she leaves the lights on in. Currently working on installing plugs on lamps she leaves on that I can turn off via app and schedule them to sweep off at certain times.

[mulletpelini 5211]

16 hours ago, EE2B said:

My wife was helping my kindergartner with some math homework over the weekend. I’m sitting on the couch entertaining the two year old and I hear my wife tell my 5 year old:
“I have a doctorate degree!”
Apparently my wife was telling my daughter something she didn’t agree with so my wife had to lay down some degree smack.

aka the equivalent to this:

[markstanco 12576]

Me: why did you buy a new kindle?

Because it will only pop up the kindle fire logo and turn off.

Is it charged?

Yes, plugged in for days so it is 100%

Did you try a different cord?

No.

{Stanco tries different cord, all books come up and is charging}

Her: Well I can't read that one in the sunlight anyway.

[Sam Lin 3556]

Narrator: She wanted a new Kindle.

[mulletpelini 5211]

it's not about the kindle.

[Blotto 23498]

I checked back in on this thread starting on page 95. First post on that page was the quote from kenny

On 1/17/2019 at 9:53 AM, Kennythetiger said:

Mine drinks from the toilet. 

I thought to myself, hope Kenny installed a bidet so his wife's hair doesn't get wet.

[markstanco 12576]

it's not about the kindle.

The UPS driver who delivered it?

[kingkoopa6 8350]

 

[Thatguy 8691]

On 1/17/2019 at 1:40 PM, Cheeseweasel said:

Fair. If he said she's buying free range, No GMO, fair trade rice at $25 bucks per grain, he'd have a point.

This is where we are. Sigh.

[luke duke 6413]

My wife left a PTA meeting the other day and checked Facebook a little after she got home. One of her PTA friends had apparently been followed by a suspicious vehicle on her drive back home, so she drove to the police station.

 

Wife: Did you see the FB post on the neighborhood page?

Luke Duke: Yes.

Wife: Can you check our security cameras to be if he followed me too?

Luke: You want me to check to see if the same person followed two different people to two different places at the same time?

Wife: Tone

 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

My wife left a PTA meeting the other day and checked Facebook a little after she got home. One of her PTA friends had apparently been followed by a suspicious vehicle on her drive back home, so she drove to the police station.
 
Wife: Did you see the FB post on the neighborhood page?
Luke Duke: Yes.
Wife: Can you check our security cameras to be if he followed me too?
Luke: You want me to check to see if the same person followed two different people to two different places at the same time?
Wife: Tone
 

So what happened? Did the suspicious guy happen to live on the same street?

[NorthLoop 14195]

The best part is when the suspicious car turns out to be her, and she was just riding someone's ass too close on her way home. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

Wtf are security cameras pointed at your garage and front/rear doors going to do?

Is she going to tell from your ring doorbell footage if a car drives by that it's the actual suspicious vehicle or just a random car?

Did you get toned because you told her to look at the security cameras herself in your underground bunker?

[ztejas 43420]

49 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

The best part is when the suspicious car turns out to be her, and she was just riding someone's ass too close on her way home. 

This is how i was expecting the story to end.

[mulletpelini 5211]

16 hours ago, luke duke said:

My wife left a PTA meeting the other day and checked Facebook a little after she got home. One of her PTA friends had apparently been followed by a suspicious vehicle on her drive back home, so she drove to the police station.

 

Wife: Did you see the FB post on the neighborhood page?

Luke Duke: Yes.

Wife: Can you check our security cameras to be if he followed me too?

Luke: You want me to check to see if the same person followed two different people to two different places at the same time?

Wife: Tone

 

I heard the wifes friend was so ugly, the guy tried breaking into her house, and when she heard him, she screamed RAPE!, and he said hell no.

[joeycovers 391]

Wife taking kids to school this morning... Starts screaming at bottom of stairs for me to come down

Wife: I have ice on my windshield.. What do i do???!!! 

[Trey3216 15346]

14 minutes ago, joeycovers said:

Wife taking kids to school this morning... Starts screaming at bottom of stairs for me to come down

Wife: I have ice on my windshield.. What do i do???!!! 

Joey:  Stare At it a little longer

mrs Joey:  tone

[VolenteHawk 495]

1 hour ago, joeycovers said:

Wife taking kids to school this morning... Starts screaming at bottom of stairs for me to come down

Wife: I have ice on my windshield.. What do i do???!!! 

I took my 10 year old to Chiefs/Patriots over the weekend.  Born and raised in Austin and cars parked in the garage his whole life...walked out of the hotel Sunday morning and realized he'd never seen someone scrape a windshield before.

 

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

1 hour ago, joeycovers said:

Wife taking kids to school this morning... Starts screaming at bottom of stairs for me to come down

Wife: I have ice on my windshield.. What do i do???!!! 

Lick it.

[CycleTex87 2970]

Mrs CycleTex: Stop by the store on your way home and pick up the generic version of X medicine for kid C

CycleTex: Ok, X medicine has like 15 different versions - regular strength, extra strength, mega death strength, slow release, rapid release, extra cough suppressant, etc. etc.  

Mrs CT:  I'll text you.  It's a blue box.

CT:  Send me a picture of the box.

Mrs CT: ...mmfmsfmggmgfff......Tone......fsdmfmsdfsdfokgjffmmsmmfkg.....I don't have the box

And the narrator - He didn't get the right kind.

[Incredulity 11669]

31 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

Mrs CycleTex: Stop by the store on your way home and pick up the generic version of X medicine for kid C

CycleTex: Ok, X medicine has like 15 different versions - regular strength, extra strength, mega death strength, slow release, rapid release, extra cough suppressant, etc. etc.  

Mrs CT:  I'll text you.  It's a blue box.

CT:  Send me a picture of the box.

Mrs CT: ...mmfmsfmggmgfff......Tone......fsdmfmsdfsdfokgjffmmsmmfkg.....I don't have the box

And the narrator - He didn't get the right kind.

Over the holidays I spent 20 minutes in front of the goddamn almond milk section of the grocery store because mother in law HAD to have Silk Original Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk.

 

They have;

Original

Original Vanilla

Original Unsweetened

Original Unsweetened Vanilla

Vanilla

Light Original

Light Vanilla

Orignial Blend

Origninal Unsweetened Blend

Organic Original

In several different sizes each, and 2 or 3 other brands.  Only differentiated by a small strip of color that is some slightly variant shade of pink/red.

 

 

[Kennythetiger 9381]

Fitting username.

[MissingInAction 25067]

Having worked under a management team made up entirely of females, I can say without shame, they should have never been given the right to vote.

It's been downhill ever since. 

[JimmyHoffa 1188]

Our house is 2 years old.

Mrs. Jimmy- We need to call a plumber 

Me- what for? 

Mrs. Jimmy- The shower handle is loose in our bathroom

5 minutes later

Me- Problem fixed we don't need the plumber

Mrs. Jimmy- HOW DID YOU DO THAT? 

Me- it's called a screwdriver

 

Not sure if I should take offense to the fact she wanted to call a plumber to fix a loose handle or she was playing me knowing that questioning my masculinity would get me to fix the problem right away.....

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

Over the holidays I spent 20 minutes in front of the goddamn almond milk section of the grocery store because mother in law HAD to have Silk Original Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk.
 
They have;
Original
Original Vanilla
Original Unsweetened
Original Unsweetened Vanilla
Vanilla
Light Original
Light Vanilla
Orignial Blend
Origninal Unsweetened Blend
Organic Original
In several different sizes each, and 2 or 3 other brands.  Only differentiated by a small strip of color that is some slightly variant shade of pink/red.
 
 

Been there but with unsweetened coconut milk and I bought sweetened. Good thing the grocery store was 2min away

[Flg8rfan 201]

Over the holidays I spent 20 minutes in front of the goddamn almond milk section of the grocery store because mother in law HAD to have Silk Original Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk.
 
They have;
Original
Original Vanilla
Original Unsweetened
Original Unsweetened Vanilla
Vanilla
Light Original
Light Vanilla
Orignial Blend
Origninal Unsweetened Blend
Organic Original
In several different sizes each, and 2 or 3 other brands.  Only differentiated by a small strip of color that is some slightly variant shade of pink/red.
 
 

Back when I was a kid and stocked at a grocery store. Lactaid came out. Until then the case was your basic 4 milks, whipping cream, and half and half.

I just shake my head walking by a milk case now, amazing how much bs marketing has done to it.

[G-RICE 0]

33 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

Our house is 2 years old.

Mrs. Jimmy- We need to call a plumber  

Me- what for? 

Mrs. Jimmy- The shower handle is loose in our bathroom

5 minutes later

Me- Problem fixed we don't need the plumber

Mrs. Jimmy- HOW DID YOU DO THAT? 

Me- it's called a screwdriver 

 

Not sure if I should take offense to the fact she wanted to call a plumber to fix a loose handle or she was playing me knowing that questioning my masculinity would get me to fix the problem right away.....

This hits close to home.  I replaced our shower head the other day and afterwards my wife tells me "Wow, I'm surprised you did that all on your own!"

...

I guess I had it coming because I did recently pay a plumber to replace the faucet in my kitchen sink, but who the hell wants to crawl under there anyway?

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

1 hour ago, JimmyHoffa said:

Not sure if I should take offense to the fact she wanted to call a plumber to fix a loose handle or she was playing me knowing that questioning my masculinity would get me to fix the problem right away.....

I've seen enough "videos" to know why your wife wanted to call a plumber.

[mulletpelini 5211]

I liked how he didn't list the option that his wife wanted to call the plumber because she questioned his masculinity. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21905]

I guess I had it coming because I did recently pay a plumber to replace the faucet in my kitchen sink, but who the hell wants to crawl under there anyway?

That’s just sad. I replaced mine last weekend, took a whole hour.

[ztejas 43420]

6 hours ago, G-RICE said:

This hits close to home.  I replaced our shower head the other day and afterwards my wife tells me "Wow, I'm surprised you did that all on your own!"

...

I guess I had it coming because I did recently pay a plumber to replace the faucet in my kitchen sink, but who the hell wants to crawl under there anyway?

You had it going and then you threw it all away. Just omit the 2nd part next time, none of us will be the wiser. 

[Brothahorn 10087]

Wife is at work and answered the Ring doorbell. She told the solicitors, "No thank you, I am at work."

Why even answer the damn thing? Next time just leave the front door open.

[Kennythetiger 9381]

13 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

 

That’s just sad. I replaced mine last weekend, took a whole hour.

 

I try to do most of that shit myself but I'll be damned if the simplest plumbing problem doesn't take me half a day every time.

[Buzzrock 14920]

“Have college basketball games always had halftime?”

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732]

“Wow, I'm surprised you did that all on your own!"

This is the line I use when she puts forth the effort to get a step ladder to reach something.

[Beau Vine 54219]

On 1/24/2019 at 9:18 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

 

That’s just sad. I replaced mine last weekend, took a whole hour.

 

Fuck that.  Do you know how much TV I can watch in an hour?

[Trey3216 15346]

7 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Fuck that.  Do you know how much TV I can watch in an hour?

About 42 minutes, if it’s live tv.  

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

On 1/25/2019 at 10:34 AM, Brothahorn said:

Wife is at work and answered the Ring doorbell. She told the solicitors, "No thank you, I am at work."

Why even answer the damn thing? Next time just leave the front door open.

I just interviewed to take over a work-from-home team, and one of the things Mrs. Walden asked me was "What if there's a knock at the door?"

What makes this an especially ridiculous question is that we already don't answer 90% of the time.

[blacklab 11928]

Wife took the kids to a bday party and had plans with friends afterwards. Instead of her driving way out of the way to drop off the kids I told her I'd meet her somewhere around 183/360 and take the kids home and she could go on to her party. So she texts me that the party is over

me: I'm at the barnes and noble at 10000 research Austin Tx 78759
her: ok, on my way

a little while later:

her: where are you?
me: I'm parked right outside the front door, I'm standing next to my car
her: I don't see you

I look at my "find a friend" and sure enough she's at the lakeline mall barnes and noble.

 

 

[52-80 19152]

On 1/26/2019 at 7:56 PM, Buzzrock said:

“Have college basketball games always had halftime?”

"Yeah, just like hockey"

[VolenteHawk 495]

12 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife took the kids to a bday party and had plans with friends afterwards. Instead of her driving way out of the way to drop off the kids I told her I'd meet her somewhere around 183/360 and take the kids home and she could go on to her party. So she texts me that the party is over

me: I'm at the barnes and noble at 10000 research Austin Tx 78759
her: ok, on my way

a little while later:

her: where are you?
me: I'm parked right outside the front door, I'm standing next to my car
her: I don't see you

I look at my "find a friend" and sure enough she's at the lakeline mall barnes and noble.

I’m gonna have to put this one on you. If you’d have done Cheesecake Factory instead, it’s unambiguous.

 

[blacklab 11928]

I'd kinda agree with you, but I stood in front of her with the map open on my phone, she pointed out where the party was, and we both came to the conclusion that 183/360 is the closest she'd pass by our house on the way to the party.

[Reagan1k 3024]

I've had this and similar happen over the years.  Now, whenever we start talking about meeting up, I get some flashbacks and simply say - Stay put.  I'll come there.

Even if it is out of my way it ends up saving me time.

[HouTex 1867]

Houston has had rain just about every week since November. Everything is wet. Golf courses have pretty much been cart path only all winter. So i try to keep our sprinkler system off. Three days after a good rain the wife will tell me she turned the water back on. She says the grass seems to be dying. I’ve told her 10 times this fall and winter that that’s what dormant St. Augustine looks like. No matter. Three days after last week’s 1 inch of rain she turns it back on again with more rain forecast this week. The reason? Grass looks dead.

[Jerry Callo 8700]

Who the hell showed your wife how to work the sprinkler system?

[ChickenSandwich 9834]

No shit. Just unplug it and tell her she broke it. “Fix” when the rain stops or sprinklers are needed

[TrashMaster G 17554]

15 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife took the kids to a bday party and had plans with friends afterwards. Instead of her driving way out of the way to drop off the kids I told her I'd meet her somewhere around 183/360 and take the kids home and she could go on to her party. So she texts me that the party is over

me: I'm at the barnes and noble at 10000 research Austin Tx 78759
her: ok, on my way

a little while later:

her: where are you?
me: I'm parked right outside the front door, I'm standing next to my car
her: I don't see you

I look at my "find a friend" and sure enough she's at the lakeline mall barnes and noble.

Is she hot?

[ztejas 43420]

3 hours ago, VolenteHawk said:

I’m gonna have to put this one on you. If you’d have done Cheesecake Factory instead, it’s unambiguous.

 

Plus the kids could take pictures with Vince

[blacklab 11928]

If I told her cheesecake factory she would have ended up at Barton Creek Mall