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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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9 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

I like when my wife says "I do it this way" when she means "you should do it this way"

Holy crap I get this all the time.  No matter what I do or how successful I am at doing it, I have to hear how she does it, which as you said means "you should do it this way."  

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5214

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On 3/4/2019 at 6:30 PM, Upgrayedd said:

Got back last night from a week-long trip to Colorado skiing.  We drove.

I pack the car.  I also unpack the car.  Luggage, skis, boots, gear, etc.  Skis and poles go in the roof box.  This time so did the boots.  She assists with the unload.

Her:  Why did you put the boots in the roof box?  They were in my boot bag.

Me:  I pulled them out so I could flatten the boot bags.  Easier to see out the back with the rear-view mirror.

H:  They were in the bag though.

M:  Yes.  Yes they were:

H:   I didn't want them up there.

M:  What difference does it make?  It's storage space for shit we don't need in the car.  They were up there on the ride up too.  

H:  I wanted them in the bag.  Especially on the ride up because I don't like putting on cold boots.  You could have put the bag to the side.

M:  The boots had all night to get to room temperature, so that's not a good reason.  Tell you what, next time you can load the gear.

So she doesn't like my tone.  And because she's irritated, instead of setting my skis down on the concrete driveway like they should, she decides to de-tune the edges by setting the tips down and sliding them across the driveway until she puts the tails down.  I know her and she didn't do it on purpose out of spite - more likely she's frosted about the boot thing and not paying attention.

M:  The fuck you do that for?

H:  ????

M:  I could hear the edges grinding on the driveway (someone may accurately point out that edges on the tips should be de-tuned anyway, but it shouldn't be with the driveway method, so that's not the point).

H:  They're fine.

M:  You'd have a conniption if I did that to your gear.  Help me get the roof box off please.

The roof box is light, but bulky.  Helps to have two people.  I slide the front of the box off the rack towards her to grab.  I have the back and am ready to lift.

M:  Ready?

H: . . . . . . . . .

M:  Ok?

H: . . . . . .

M:  It's customary to have a verbal acknowledgment if you are asked if you are ready or not.  Ready?  Yes or no?

H.  Maybe.

Sad part is, if you weren't married to her, you'd be fucking her within :30 after this happened.  

On 3/5/2019 at 8:52 AM, Mudcat35 said:

My wife and I recently bought a really old house that we're going to renovate.  First step is to pull down some badly-installed sheetrock in the entryway to expose the original shiplap boards underneath.  We want to paint those so that we get the effect of having the exposed wood.  She was trying to put together a project plan last night.  For reference, I'm a project manager by trade, so it's clear this wasn't going to go so well.  Two of the steps involve pulling down the existing sheetrock, and finishing the boards underneath, and she could not figure out what order to do this in.  I spent 20 minutes explaining why you had to pull the sheetrock down first before you could paint the boards underneath.  I have no idea how I managed to not run screaming from the building.  She kept saying "I have to think visually".  Ok, I get that, but we finally got to the point where I said "you're ready to paint, but you haven't pulled the sheetrock down yet.  What are  you painting?".  The answer is "sheetrock", not what she was looking for.  I'm still not sure she believes me.

This is me, except my lady gives me the opinions and I tell her what's possible, and she fucking listens and accepts it.  We have a large basement and I explained to her that it will be the first thing renovated, since it has one entry in or out, and that is from the main living room on the first floor.  Once it is completed, we will finish the first floor.

My mother and sister however, insist that I should finish that main living room first, then do the basement whenever.  I've explained that, that would mean dragging waste material across a brand new floor and renovated room, but that basic common sense logic hasn't quite been able to cut through the women logic, nor do I believe it ever will.  Thank god those two aren't my problem, but I really despise the fact that even after I explain the logic, it does not justify the reasoning for them.

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52-80

52-80 19213

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When I'm at work, she often messages me with random nonsense or her work complaints or whatever.  Sure, its our job as husbands to listen and support.  (actually, just listen....)

 

But she'll do this on Facebook Messenger (by the way, fuck you facebook messenger).  Then she'll do this on 1 Skype account.  Then she'll do it on another Skype account provisioned to her by another client.  Then often she'll do it on all 3 platform simultaneously.  I dont even know this is even possible - is she using 2 laptops at once or what.

 

Firstly

(1) respect working hours

(2) respect the communication platforms (work to work, personal to personal)

(3) pick 1 fucking system!

(4) dont pick fucking facebook messenger!

 

 

 

 

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54338

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Wife's alarm went off at 6:10am.

Me: Why is the alarm going off so early?

Her: If I'm going to come home before we go to the airport tonight, I'll need to leave work early, so I need to get there early.

It's now 8:33,am and I can still hear her fucking around in the kitchen.  She had been outside checking to see if the potato plants in her little garden froze.  

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18550

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If loving frito pie is wrong, I don't want to be right. 

Give me a cold rainy dreary day late in the Fall, fireplace going, some random college football game on TV, an ice cold beer and a Frito pie while sitting in a lounge chair with my feet up on the ottoman with the dog asleep under my feet, in my living room with every inch of it covered in garish art and call me satisfied.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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22 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife's alarm went off at 6:10am.

Me: Why is the alarm going off so early?

Her: If I'm going to come home before we go to the airport tonight, I'll need to leave work early, so I need to get there early.

It's now 8:33,am and I can still hear her fucking around in the kitchen.  She had been outside checking to see if the potato plants in her little garden froze.  

Trust me, it's your fault.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9418

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46 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife's alarm went off at 6:10am.

Me: Why is the alarm going off so early?

Her: If I'm going to come home before we go to the airport tonight, I'll need to leave work early, so I need to get there early.

It's now 8:33,am and I can still hear her fucking around in the kitchen.  She had been outside checking to see if the potato plants in her little garden froze.  

One of the only things that really, truly pisses me off is when her alarm is set early and she hits snooze four times.  

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17583

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1 hour ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

If loving frito pie is wrong, I don't want to be right. 

Give me a cold rainy dreary day late in the Fall, fireplace going, some random college football game on TV, an ice cold beer and a Frito pie while sitting in a lounge chair with my feet up on the ottoman with the dog asleep under my feet, in my living room with every inch of it covered in garish art and call me satisfied.

It's called Stockholm Syndrome.  Look it up.

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ztejas

ztejas 43526

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12 hours ago, Anastasis said:

here is what you get when you google frito pie  

 

 

 

 

Time for a video breakdown: 

:17 in and she's using lightly salted fritos with less sodium. Already losing points here. Also refers to them as "corn chips" and says you can use whatever brand you want. /trumpwrong.gif

:27 in and she's reaching for the Wolf brand chili. Now, I would like to dock all remaining points here, but to her credit she opts for the no beans. Let's see where this goes. 

:42 pans over the turkey wolf brand chili while holding back laughter. Points added. 

:59 alright, so she's actually using her homemade "Texas" style chili which looks like a mix of diarrhea and canned dog food. I would just go with the Wolf brand at this point. 

1:15 making a "cheese sauce" with velveeta. Now, I have nothing against velveeta. In fact, velveeta mac and cheese is one of my guilty pleasures. But for frito pie this is obviously an error - shredded cheese only, preferrably a Mexican blend. 

2:03 oh Christ now she's warming up ranch style beans to use as a "topping". This is going downhill quickly. 

2:22 strange ingredients montage with awful background music. Points added for diced japs as well as onions. Decent knife work. Going for shredded cheese now, which makes the velveeta sauce seem superfluous. Now going with canned, pickled jalapenos. Strange to include two jap variations. Seems like an either or type dish to me. 

3:28 onto the plating. Bowl is way too small. Not even child-sized. She needs to quit kidding herself, doesn't look like she's missing any meals. 

3:47 runny-shit dogfood mixture coming back into play. She has a recipe for it in the description in case you're looking to lose all self-respect as a man. Tops it with the velveeta shit. Looks fucking awful. Would only eat if I was literally starving. 

4:25 onto "2nd way I like it". Maybe she can redeem herself a bit here (not likely). More commie Fritos, shredded cheddar cheese (points, but now she's going cheese first instead of dogfood first - make up your mind, woman). 

4:45 oh fuck she added beans. I would recommend she throws it in the garbage. Not even worthy to give to an animal at this point. Would be inhumane.

4:53 oh Jesus fuck now she's adding MORE beans. And trying to blame it on her husband. Typical wife behavior. I should have known from the start. "Well I don't like beans in my chili, but oh my gosh, Frank just HAS to have them so that's how we eat it!". Yeah, no one is believing your harpy tale you velveeta-crusted bean peddler. 

5:06 added fresh diced onions. Only redeeming part of the preparation. Now she's adding, get this, ONE pickeld jap. Just one. Points are in the negatives at this point. Also pronouncing "jalapenos" like she's cultured or some shit.

5:15 okay onto preparation method #3. This is her last chance. She's waxing poetic about Friday night-light frito pie. I can relate to this. Half a point. 

5:40 adding Mexican crema and diced fresh japs. This is the only edible concoction she has made so far. 

6:00 she has now added cilantro, avocado and lime juice. This is no longer frito pie, and yet it is the only thing she has made that I would consider eating. Half a point. 

Overall: 0.5/10. Would not eat or rewatch. Frank, time to call your lawyer and start hiding assets. This marriage isn't lasting. 

 

 

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 21913

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26 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Time for a video breakdown: 

:17 in and she's using lightly salted fritos with less sodium. Already losing points here. Also refers to them as "corn chips" and says you can use whatever brand you want.

I'm pretty sure that if you use a brand other than fritos and call it frito pie you will be sued to oblivion by FritoLay

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52547

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13 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

 

Sad part is, if you weren't married to her, you'd be fucking her within :30 after this happened.  

This is me, except my lady gives me the opinions and I tell her what's possible, and she fucking listens and accepts it.  We have a large basement and I explained to her that it will be the first thing renovated, since it has one entry in or out, and that is from the main living room on the first floor.  Once it is completed, we will finish the first floor.

My mother and sister however, insist that I should finish that main living room first, then do the basement whenever.  I've explained that, that would mean dragging waste material across a brand new floor and renovated room, but that basic common sense logic hasn't quite been able to cut through the women logic, nor do I believe it ever will.  Thank god those two aren't my problem, but I really despise the fact that even after I explain the logic, it does not justify the reasoning for them.

Their logic is that you do the room the guests see first, so she can parade her friends and family and frienemies through to show them all how great her life is. 

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

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13 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

 

Sad part is, if you weren't married to her, you'd be fucking her within :30 after this happened.  

This is me, except my lady gives me the opinions and I tell her what's possible, and she fucking listens and accepts it.  We have a large basement and I explained to her that it will be the first thing renovated, since it has one entry in or out, and that is from the main living room on the first floor.  Once it is completed, we will finish the first floor.

My mother and sister however, insist that I should finish that main living room first, then do the basement whenever.  I've explained that, that would mean dragging waste material across a brand new floor and renovated room, but that basic common sense logic hasn't quite been able to cut through the women logic, nor do I believe it ever will.  Thank god those two aren't my problem, but I really despise the fact that even after I explain the logic, it does not justify the reasoning for them.

the problem here is that they never have to feel the consequences for their stupid thinking. the man of the house or some fucking contracter takes care of taping down cardboard and shit so all they see is the finished product. and then they congratulate themselves for their great vision and accomplishment.

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Johnny Sack

Johnny Sack 8397

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2 minutes ago, Pig Bellmont said:

Cheese is *not* optional 

True.  Mine is homemade deer or elk chili, Fritos, fresh grated cheddar (tillamook medium), a little chopped red onion, and some Louisiana hot sauce.  

A small dollop or sour cream is optional.  I don’t.  But offer it.  

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 21913

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30 minutes ago, Johnny Sack said:

True.  Mine is homemade deer or elk chili, Fritos, fresh grated cheddar (tillamook medium), a little chopped red onion, and some Louisiana hot sauce.  

A small dollop or sour cream is optional.  I don’t.  But offer it.  

Sorry, but this absolutely ruins the concept of frito pie.  Frito pie is meant to be tasty crap food using fritos, canned chili, and fake cheese.

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ztejas

ztejas 43526

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47 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Sorry, but this absolutely ruins the concept of frito pie.  Frito pie is meant to be tasty crap food using fritos, canned chili, and fake cheese.

That sounds like aggy pie.

Proper frito pie is an unhealthy amount of fritos and hot, beef-only Texas chili (not canned) followed by a fistful of shredded cheese and diced onions. 

Japs, sour cream optional. 

If you REALLY feel the need to have beans be a part of it for God's sake at least cook the beans IN the chili. Don't plop them on top like some hysteric Midwestern widow. 

I also accept Johnny Sack's game meat variation.

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Johnny Sack

Johnny Sack 8397

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Even the lazy version of frito pie with canned chili is pretty tasty.  I can do both.  I tend to always have elk or venison chili in the fridge or freezer as it is what I eat for lunch most days (sans fritos and cheese).  So I usually use that.  But I ain't to fancy to enjoy canned chili frito pie.

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