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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Llano Estacado

Llano Estacado 1257

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Llano, do we need to have the at home in laws vs. 100k in daycare discussion again?  It's not even beer night.  I'd be about done with 529's by now if it wasn't for daycare.
My MIL makes the best pork chop I've ever eaten.  She could teach Perry's something.  I would welcome them coming more often to cook me pork chops.  


giphy.gif

Kid1 is in daycare 3 days a week. 2 yr old starts in the fall. Even if they weren’t, InLaw day care is not entirely offsetting for additional bed & bath, 3 squares for 365 for 2 extra adults.

Coming more often =\= living with indefinitely. Have that chef move all the way in for 90 days and tell me how good that chop taste.

I don’t store the Perry’s chef’s Xmas and Easter shit or his grandmothers china. I don’t feed his dog. I don’t see him in his robe without dentures at 0600 or his stained sweatpants at 21:45. I don’t see him watch real housewives in a room I pay for with a glass of wine when there are dirty dishes, dirty clothes, a crying kid downstairs, and a dog scratching at the back door. When I’m tired from a workday and want a beer and to relax with my kids the Perry chef doesn’t pop into the living room to tell me about the fight she just had with her sister earlier in the afternoon.

I don’t mean to bitch too much. I generally get along just fine with my in-laws and they are usually a big help. Just need some space and “thanks for the whole room and board thing” every now and again.
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ulukinatme

ulukinatme 1765

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My wife has a thing about syrup, absolutely detests it to the point she doesn't want it in her vicinity, so I abide and we don't do syrup in this house.  I fucking hate glitter, and I've asked her not to buy shit with glitter on it.  The stuff gets everywhere, and it's completely impossible to clean up because you can never get all of it.  Does she still buy shit with glitter all over it?  You better believe it.  

So yesterday she sees this squishy ball in the toy aisle and decides to buy it for our Autistic son, knowing full well that he has a tendency to break things like that open.  This particular squishy ball also has glitter in it.  I'm sure you can see where this is headed.  He managed to split it open all over our bed, glitter on him, glitter on the sheets and pillow cases, and he managed to get it on the mattress too because he likes to pull the bed cover off for whatever reason.  I'm ticked, and of course this happens right when she gets called into work.  "I didn't think he would break it open, it seemed sturdy!" she says.  I was up till 4am cleaning all the blankets and sheets and trying to get glitter out of the mattress.  I told her if I see anything with glitter again, I'm putting it straight in the trash can, no questions asked.

Today, she decides to do a craft project with my youngest son, and she has glitter all over her face and arms.  She thinks it's funny.  I think she's asking for a divorce.

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ulukinatme

ulukinatme 1765

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5 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I'm picturing some kinky compromise action with syrup and glitter in your future.

Na, that ain't happenin'.  For whatever reason, syrup is a deal breaker with her.  Aside from the sticky nature, her sisters used to put it in her hair to tease her.  She also had an ex tease her once by dangling some syrup above her, and he managed to actually spill it on her head.  Relationship was terminated afterwards.  

After the little art project today, I am considering getting some Mrs. Butterworth and pouring it all over the stove and counter tops, leaving it for her to clean up.

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Longhornfan1024

Longhornfan1024 1707

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7 minutes ago, ulukinatme said:

Na, that ain't happenin'.  For whatever reason, syrup is a deal breaker with her.  Aside from the sticky nature, her sisters used to put it in her hair to tease her.  She also had an ex tease her once by dangling some syrup above her, and he managed to actually spill it on her head.  Relationship was terminated afterwards.  

After the little art project today, I am considering getting some Mrs. Butterworth and pouring it all over the stove and counter tops, leaving it for her to clean up.

You've got your answer.  If your house has no boundaries, your house has no boundaries.  

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54338

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Posted
16 minutes ago, PilotsError said:

She's testing you to see if you're man enough to hold her to your rules.  You fail again and again.  She has zero respect for you.

No shit, some of you act like you've never been around women before.  

Some of the best life advice I ever got was from a dog trainer: "You give the command once, and ONCE ONLY.  Every time you give that command again, you're teaching her that she doesn't have to listen to you the first time." 

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15350

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1 hour ago, ulukinatme said:

My wife has a thing about syrup, absolutely detests it to the point she doesn't want it in her vicinity, so I abide and we don't do syrup in this house.  I fucking hate glitter, and I've asked her not to buy shit with glitter on it.  The stuff gets everywhere, and it's completely impossible to clean up because you can never get all of it.  Does she still buy shit with glitter all over it?  You better believe it.  

So yesterday she sees this squishy ball in the toy aisle and decides to buy it for our Autistic son, knowing full well that he has a tendency to break things like that open.  This particular squishy ball also has glitter in it.  I'm sure you can see where this is headed.  He managed to split it open all over our bed, glitter on him, glitter on the sheets and pillow cases, and he managed to get it on the mattress too because he likes to pull the bed cover off for whatever reason.  I'm ticked, and of course this happens right when she gets called into work.  "I didn't think he would break it open, it seemed sturdy!" she says.  I was up till 4am cleaning all the blankets and sheets and trying to get glitter out of the mattress.  I told her if I see anything with glitter again, I'm putting it straight in the trash can, no questions asked.

Today, she decides to do a craft project with my youngest son, and she has glitter all over her face and arms.  She thinks it's funny.  I think she's asking for a divorce.

I think it's time to head to HEB, if it's open, and get some syrup/lube

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Judge Roybeanbag

Judge Roybeanbag 11819

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1 hour ago, ulukinatme said:

Na, that ain't happenin'.  For whatever reason, syrup is a deal breaker with her.  Aside from the sticky nature, her sisters used to put it in her hair to tease her.  She also had an ex tease her once by dangling some syrup above her, and he managed to actually spill it on her head.  Relationship was terminated afterwards.  

After the little art project today, I am considering getting some Mrs. Butterworth and pouring it all over the stove and counter tops, leaving it for her to clean up.

I dare you to buy this costume for her.  Hell I'll buy it for her!

Halloween_Brunch_25.jpg

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66BUFF

66BUFF 2565

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1 hour ago, ulukinatme said:

My wife has a thing about syrup, absolutely detests it to the point she doesn't want it in her vicinity, so I abide and we don't do syrup in this house.  I fucking hate glitter, and I've asked her not to buy shit with glitter on it.  The stuff gets everywhere, and it's completely impossible to clean up because you can never get all of it.  Does she still buy shit with glitter all over it?  You better believe it.  

So yesterday she sees this squishy ball in the toy aisle and decides to buy it for our Autistic son, knowing full well that he has a tendency to break things like that open.  This particular squishy ball also has glitter in it.  I'm sure you can see where this is headed.  He managed to split it open all over our bed, glitter on him, glitter on the sheets and pillow cases, and he managed to get it on the mattress too because he likes to pull the bed cover off for whatever reason.  I'm ticked, and of course this happens right when she gets called into work.  "I didn't think he would break it open, it seemed sturdy!" she says.  I was up till 4am cleaning all the blankets and sheets and trying to get glitter out of the mattress.  I told her if I see anything with glitter again, I'm putting it straight in the trash can, no questions asked.

Today, she decides to do a craft project with my youngest son, and she has glitter all over her face and arms.  She thinks it's funny.  I think she's asking for a divorce.

So you are a Jelly man?

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52548

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

 

After the little art project today, I am considering getting some Mrs. Butterworth and pouring it all over the stove and counter tops, leaving it for her to clean up.

This is the correct passive aggressive maneuver.  But she can ignore it pretty easily. Be sure to put some on her hair brush and hair dryer handles, and in any bathroom soap dispensers you might have. 

If you really want some time apart, put it in her shampoo bottle. 

Edited by Pato del Muerto
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ztejas

ztejas 43526

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Posted
2 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

My wife has a thing about syrup, absolutely detests it to the point she doesn't want it in her vicinity, so I abide and we don't do syrup in this house.  I fucking hate glitter, and I've asked her not to buy shit with glitter on it.  The stuff gets everywhere, and it's completely impossible to clean up because you can never get all of it.  Does she still buy shit with glitter all over it?  You better believe it.  

So yesterday she sees this squishy ball in the toy aisle and decides to buy it for our Autistic son, knowing full well that he has a tendency to break things like that open.  This particular squishy ball also has glitter in it.  I'm sure you can see where this is headed.  He managed to split it open all over our bed, glitter on him, glitter on the sheets and pillow cases, and he managed to get it on the mattress too because he likes to pull the bed cover off for whatever reason.  I'm ticked, and of course this happens right when she gets called into work.  "I didn't think he would break it open, it seemed sturdy!" she says.  I was up till 4am cleaning all the blankets and sheets and trying to get glitter out of the mattress.  I told her if I see anything with glitter again, I'm putting it straight in the trash can, no questions asked.

Today, she decides to do a craft project with my youngest son, and she has glitter all over her face and arms.  She thinks it's funny.  I think she's asking for a divorce.

This is like a Seinfeld episode. 

"She was into GLITTER Jerry! GLITTER!"
 

"Ohhh no, not glitter. Who are these people?"

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

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3 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

Na, that ain't happenin'.  For whatever reason, syrup is a deal breaker with her.  Aside from the sticky nature, her sisters used to put it in her hair to tease her.  She also had an ex tease her once by dangling some syrup above her, and he managed to actually spill it on her head.  Relationship was terminated afterwards.  

After the little art project today, I am considering getting some Mrs. Butterworth and pouring it all over the stove and counter tops, leaving it for her to clean up.

There’s a reason people close to her always pour syrup on her. It’s because she deserves it.

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Brew

Brew 3049

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On 3/20/2019 at 9:37 AM, Incredulity said:

I have made it clear to my wife the 2 things that end our marriage are her sampling other penises and MIL attempting to move in.  NO FUCKING WAY.

 

I sure a fuck won't do that to my kids either.

If I’m ranking things, I would prefer she sample other dicks over her mother move in. I bought them a house to stay in the first time this came up and I’ll go the same route again if it comes up for a second time.

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Clintonaldo

Clintonaldo 2576

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5 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

My wife has a thing about syrup, absolutely detests it to the point she doesn't want it in her vicinity, so I abide and we don't do syrup in this house.  I fucking hate glitter, and I've asked her not to buy shit with glitter on it.  The stuff gets everywhere, and it's completely impossible to clean up because you can never get all of it.  Does she still buy shit with glitter all over it?  You better believe it.  

So yesterday she sees this squishy ball in the toy aisle and decides to buy it for our Autistic son, knowing full well that he has a tendency to break things like that open.  This particular squishy ball also has glitter in it.  I'm sure you can see where this is headed.  He managed to split it open all over our bed, glitter on him, glitter on the sheets and pillow cases, and he managed to get it on the mattress too because he likes to pull the bed cover off for whatever reason.  I'm ticked, and of course this happens right when she gets called into work.  "I didn't think he would break it open, it seemed sturdy!" she says.  I was up till 4am cleaning all the blankets and sheets and trying to get glitter out of the mattress.  I told her if I see anything with glitter again, I'm putting it straight in the trash can, no questions asked.

Today, she decides to do a craft project with my youngest son, and she has glitter all over her face and arms.  She thinks it's funny.  I think she's asking for a divorce.

You should squirt a bottle of syrup in her fucking face. 

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UT_OB1

UT_OB1 2224

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

 I was up till 4am cleaning all the blankets and sheets and trying to get glitter out of the mattress.  

Glitter can suck, but you may be on a different spectrum yourself if that shit keeps you up until 4 cleaning. 

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Buffsoldier

Buffsoldier 1895

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

First of all never marry a woman that likes glitter.

 

Second. One weekend put a roofie in her drink at breakfast, strip her naked and cover her with syrup and glitter, and leave her on the bed.

 

Third. Take the kid to the zoo for the day.

 

Fourth. Don’t ever go back.

You should listen to him Flounder.  He's pre-med.

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elfenix

elfenix 34331

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Brew said:

If I’m ranking things, I would prefer she sample other dicks over her mother move in. I bought them a house to stay in the first time this came up and I’ll go the same route again if it comes up for a second time.

very humble

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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First of all never marry a woman that likes glitter.
 
Second. One weekend put a roofie in her drink at breakfast, strip her naked and cover her with syrup and glitter, and leave her on the bed.
 
Third. Take the kid to the zoo for the day.
 
Fourth. Don’t ever go back.
 
 
 
I think in your case, you meant clitter
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Archer

Archer 474

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Posted
9 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

First of all never marry a woman that likes glitter.

 

Second. One weekend put a roofie in her drink at breakfast, strip her naked and cover her with syrup and glitter, and leave her on the bed.

 

Third: Take pictures and post on Surly

 

Fourth: Take the kid to the zoo for the day.

 

Fifth . Don’t ever go back.

 

 

 

Fixed that for you 

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ulukinatme

ulukinatme 1765

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Posted
11 hours ago, UT_OB1 said:

Glitter can suck, but you may be on a different spectrum yourself if that shit keeps you up until 4 cleaning. 

Keep in mind this was a glitter squishy ball, with some glue-like substance that was inside the ball.  It was not as simple as just vacuuming it up or using a lint roller, and the shit was everywhere.

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Js1

Js1 85462

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Posted
19 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

I told her if I see anything with glitter again, I'm putting it straight in the trash can, no questions asked.

Today, she decides to do a craft project with my youngest son, and she has glitter all over her face and arms.

Image result for throw woman in the trash gif

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