Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[tbone_ 14020]

Mitch - Is Typhoon Mary the only sister Mrs Cumsteen has?
Tbone - let's try not to overanalyze what is the among the most amazing post subjects on site. Let's stay in our lane and bask in the glory. 

I just meant how does he keep a straight face.

[luke duke 6379]

Came to bed last night to find the wife asleep and the bathroom light on. Turned it off and the hallway nightlight (for the kids to use the bathroom in the middle of the night) is shining into the room so I shut the door partway. This morning she complains that she didn't sleep well because the light from my phone kept her awake.
 
 

Do you want to borrow my light so you can point it at her tonight while she sleeps?

[Mitch Cumsteen 18517]

6 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

Mitch - Is Typhoon Mary the only sister Mrs Cumsteen has?

Tbone - let's try not to overanalyze what is the among the most amazing post subjects on site. Let's stay in our lane and bask in the glory. 

Yes. Only one sister. Thank God.

And I can't keep a straight face at all and don't pretend to. Laughing is the only coping mechanism I've found to have any sort of effectiveness. 

[G650 13989]

On 3/31/2019 at 9:53 AM, Beau Vine said:

She's not wrong.  

I had some girl recently tell me Slayer was dad rock.

[DCA_HORN 725]

Yes. Only one sister. Thank God.
And I can't keep a straight face at all and don't pretend to. Laughing is the only coping mechanism I've found to have any sort of effectiveness. 

Even bourbon doesnt work?

[Incredulity 11532]

3 hours ago, G650 said:

I had some girl recently tell me Slayer was dad rock.

Her dad rocks.

[Mac8111 2103]

Step son was recently moved to varsity baseball mid season as a freshman and has been starting in left field. He got a couple of nice base hits Friday night and made a comment at dinner tonight about hoping he gets moved up in the lineup (they had him batting 9th).

The wife, who has watched every game he has played since Tball, didn’t understand what he meant. Finally she admits that she thought players batted by their position and that he always was near the top of the lineup on the past because he was always Catcher or Pitcher.

[Upgrayedd 5803]

Perfect 

[Trey3216 15325]

2 hours ago, Mac8111 said:

Step son was recently moved to varsity baseball mid season as a freshman and has been starting in left field. He got a couple of nice base hits Friday night and made a comment at dinner tonight about hoping he gets moved up in the lineup (they had him batting 9th).

The wife, who has watched every game he has played since Tball, didn’t understand what he meant. Finally she admits that she thought players batted by their position and that he always was near the top of the lineup on the past because he was always Catcher or Pitcher.

Good thing they don’t have 69 positions on the field.  

[mulletpelini 5209]

On 4/5/2019 at 2:03 PM, Al_4_ISU said:

We don't have kids yet, so our house (other than the bedroom, because I hate putting clothes in dressers) never gets all that dirty or cluttered.  She cleans some part of the house nearly every day.  It's not usually done in a passive-aggressive fashion, but sometimes it is.  In reality, it's more of a constant fear of someone coming into our house and finding it imperfect.  Mostly because her mom takes shots at anything that isn't perfect when she's at our place.

Fuck her mom!  

 

 

 

and post pics

[Reagan1k 3008]

19 hours ago, Mac8111 said:

Step son was recently moved to varsity baseball mid season as a freshman and has been starting in left field. He got a couple of nice base hits Friday night and made a comment at dinner tonight about hoping he gets moved up in the lineup (they had him batting 9th).

The wife, who has watched every game he has played since Tball, didn’t understand what he meant. Finally she admits that she thought players batted by their position and that he always was near the top of the lineup on the past because he was always Catcher or Pitcher.

Sorry for the derail, but remind him he's getting to see a ton of fastballs and 1st pitch strikes hitting in the 9-hole. 

While moving up in the line-up feels good the 1st pass through, it feels better knowing you'll see a lot of grooved fastballs with the top of the order coming up behind him......

[cactusflinthead 27593]

On 4/6/2019 at 9:43 AM, ABSR said:

And the wall color doesn’t work so it needs to be repainted.  She will start randomly painting different colors on the wall around the room.  After you collect a rainbow she will decide none of those are good and start with a new batch of color options.

Somebody around here posted a picture of color test spots on the inside of cabinet door. I seem to recall that the tests lasted for a decade or so.

[mulletpelini 5209]

Somebody elses wife in the office.  

"It's freezing in here!"

Me:  Turn off the A/C

2 hours later look at thermostat, heat is on

[ztejas 43244]

23 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

Somebody elses wife in the office.  

"It's freezing in here!"

Me:  Turn off the A/C

2 hours later look at thermostat, heat is on

Tell her to bring a fucking jacket.

[ztejas 43244]

On 4/8/2019 at 5:34 PM, G650 said:

I had some girl recently tell me Slayer was dad rock.

In this day and age Slayer is definitely dad rock. It is cool, thrasher dad rock but it's dad rock.

[mulletpelini 5209]

7 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Tell her to bring a fucking jacket.

Good idea.  I'll have a complete stranger do it for me.

[4th and 5 4910]

Whose wife is this?

http://www.fox7austin.com/news/local-news/car-smashes-into-culver-city-gym-injuring-man-on-treadmill

or should I post this in the “Gym pet peeves” thread?

[drifter379 1106]

Does this count?


Wife asked me to help set her google maps. I saw this and nearly stroked out.

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

Put my wife's phone back.

Related: I asked my wife why anyone would have unopened emails and she showed me. 99.999% of them were for marketing shit she signed up for. I'll never understand women.

[drifter379 1106]

Put my wife's phone back.
Related: I asked my wife why anyone would have unopened emails and she showed me. 99.999% of them were for marketing shit she signed up for. I'll never understand women.

Are we married to the same woman? That’s the exact explanation I got.

[davidg 4025]

6 minutes ago, drifter379 said:

Are we married to the same woman? That’s the exact explanation I got.

It would seem we all are.   I would bet 90% of them are Target, CVS, Ulta and Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Why are you signed up for all of those when you don't read them?

- Because they might send me a coupon or a special sale

If you don't read them, how do you know if you get a coupon?

- Tone

[Hate 20102]

Does this count?


Wife asked me to help set her google maps. I saw this and nearly stroked out.

Jesus Christ! I almost had a seizure upon seeing that. How do people cope with having any unacknowledged messages/emails??

[PilotsError 2280]

I love how that woman got out of the car with her hands up like it was the treadmill's fault.

[Pato del Muerto 52321]

My wife is only at 4000.  Yay?

[Js1 85056]

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Put my wife's phone back.

Related: I asked my wife why anyone would have unopened emails and she showed me. 99.999% of them were for marketing shit she signed up for. I'll never understand women.

All women: my phone is so slow!

*Checks, sees 88 safari windows open and 27 different apps simultaneously running in the background and tracking location and the wifi is off because "I keep forgetting"*

.....just walk away 

[Kennythetiger 9333]

Drifter, I hate to tell you this but I think your wife is having an affair with my 70-year old dad and somehow ended up with his phone.  

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

1 hour ago, davidg said:

If you don't read them, how do you know if you get a coupon?

[TrashMaster G 17379]

1 hour ago, Js1 said:

All women: my phone is so slow!

*Checks, sees 88 safari windows open and 27 different apps simultaneously running in the background and tracking location and the wifi is off because "I keep forgetting"*

.....just walk away 

Wow.  She leaves lights on all over the house too, doesn't she?

Edited April 11, 2019 by TrashMaster G

[strangulation! 1699]

35 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Wow.  She leaves lights on all over the house too, doesn't she?

we are all married to the same woman. one bitch/many faces

[EE2B 1561]

we are all married to the same woman. one bitch/many faces

If your username checks out, you could no longer have this issue.

[Beau Vine 53964]

2 hours ago, Hate said:

 

Jesus Christ! I almost had a seizure upon seeing that. How do people cope with having any unacknowledged messages/emails??

I'm currently at 1,878 in my work account and yahoo maxes out at "999+."  I can tell by the sender/title if I need to read it.  VPIT?  Go fuck yourself.  Office of Institutional Research?  Nope.  I actually opened one this morning to make fun of it --  I really don't think that all 80K faculty, staff, and students needed to know that the Agriculture Building was closed because the power was off. 

[Mitch Cumsteen 18517]

3 hours ago, davidg said:

It would seem we all are.   I would bet 90% of them are Target, CVS, Ulta and Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Why are you signed up for all of those when you don't read them?

- Because they might send me a coupon or a special sale

If you don't read them, how do you know if you get a coupon?

- Tone

 

2 hours ago, Js1 said:

All women: my phone is so slow!

*Checks, sees 88 safari windows open and 27 different apps simultaneously running in the background and tracking location and the wifi is off because "I keep forgetting"*

.....just walk away 

See when this happens to my wife, she goes to her default mode: "I need to buy something to fix it." So, I get a rash of shit about how she needs a new iPhone. She also asked me to delete all of the marketing spam out of her gmail so she doesn't have to see so many unread emails. What?

[Pato del Muerto 52321]

About the only tangible benefits of going to iPhone a couple years ago were for FaceTime for the kids, and learning to use my phone meant I knew how to use her phone. Every month or so I pick her phone up just to close all of the open apps. Usually only takes a couple minutes of swiping up. 

[tbone_ 14020]

I never read all my emails. Shitloads of unread emails bother me zero.

[Hate 20102]

I don’t read all of mine either, but I can’t stand to see any numbers on my apps like that. I have to clear them as soon as I see them.

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

57 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

I never read all my emails. Shitloads of unread emails bother me zero.

How the fuck are the Nigerians going to contact you to share the billion dollars they have?!?!?

[elfenix 34168]

gmail filters marketing and facetron spam out to other inboxes or the spam box.  no need to do it yourself.

you have to subscribe to the newsletters so that when slickdeals alerts you to something that requires some coupon only sent out to the mailing list you have it.  (hi fry's)

[gyroprotagonist 2591]

up to 17,000+ unread in my gmail.  it has the small preview next to the subject so you can read most emails without actually clicking on them

and ... obligatory email talk not going away.

[Johnny Sack 8397]

On ‎4‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 11:26 AM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

 

See when this happens to my wife, she goes to her default mode: "I need to buy something to fix it." So, I get a rash of shit about how she needs a new iPhone. She also asked me to delete all of the marketing spam out of her gmail so she doesn't have to see so many unread emails. What? 

Washer drain was partially clogged last night.  So water started backing up and spilling out of drain pipe in washing room.  Our washer is ten years old, a good brand, but also has a little speck of rust you can see when you open it that in no way affects its utility.  Also, it was clearly a clog between the drain pipe and the sewer line because the kitchen sink and dishwasher were draining fine and the washer is the last one in the line.

Wife - Sees water on floor and gets in a huff about how we need a new washer!

Me - Why?

Wife - Water is spilling out?

Me - The drain is clogged.  I just need to run the snake.

Wife - I still think we need a new washer.

Me - That isn't going to fix it.  You can hook any washer in the world up to that drain and it is going to back up unless and until the clog is cleared.  Why spend $700 on a new washing machine when I can fix the problem in 2 minutes for free?

Wife - I don't believe you.  This is going to mess up our floors.

Me - Let me show you.  (Go to garage.  Get snake.  Clear line.  Works perfectly)

Wife - I still think we need a new washer.

Me - Do you just hate money?

 

Edited April 12, 2019 by Johnny Sack

[Flg8rfan 201]

So when does the new washer arrive?

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

She's banging the Maytag man.

[Pato del Muerto 52321]

8 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

She's banging the Maytag man.

He’s very reliable 

[mulletpelini 5209]

It's not about the washer!

[Scheiss Meister 8398]

Why do you hate your wife and expect her to use outdated, probably unsafe equipment? 

[General Specific 3226]

Go to the local Co-Op and spend $60 on a wash board, wash bucket and soap. Then send her down to the creek with the new washing equipment with the instructions of rinse and repeat.

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

4 hours ago, Johnny Sack said:

Washer drain was partially clogged last night.  So water started backing up and spilling out of drain pipe in washing room.  Our washer is ten years old, a good brand, but also has a little speck of rust you can see when you open it that in no way affects its utility.  Also, it was clearly a clog between the drain pipe and the sewer line because the kitchen sink and dishwasher were draining fine and the washer is the last one in the line.

Wife - Sees water on floor and gets in a huff about how we need a new washer!

Me - Why?

Wife - Water is spilling out?

Me - The drain is clogged.  I just need to run the snake.

Wife - I still think we need a new washer.

Me - That isn't going to fix it.  You can hook any washer in the world up to that drain and it is going to back up unless and until the clog is cleared.  Why spend $700 on a new washing machine when I can fix the problem in 2 minutes for free?

Wife - I don't believe you.  This is going to mess up our floors.

Me - Let me show you.  (Go to garage.  Get snake.  Clear line.  Works perfectly)

Wife - I still think we need a new washer.

Me - Do you just hate money?

 

Tone?

[gyroprotagonist 2591]

4 hours ago, Johnny Sack said:

Washer drain was partially clogged last night.  So water started backing up and spilling out of drain pipe in washing room.  Our washer is ten years old, a good brand, but also has a little speck of rust you can see when you open it that in no way affects its utility.  Also, it was clearly a clog between the drain pipe and the sewer line because the kitchen sink and dishwasher were draining fine and the washer is the last one in the line.

Wife - Sees water on floor and gets in a huff about how we need a new washer!

Me - Why?

Wife - Water is spilling out?

Me - The drain is clogged.  I just need to run the snake.

Wife - I still think we need a new washer.

Me - That isn't going to fix it.  You can hook any washer in the world up to that drain and it is going to back up unless and until the clog is cleared.  Why spend $700 on a new washing machine when I can fix the problem in 2 minutes for free?

Wife - I don't believe you.  This is going to mess up our floors.

Me - Let me show you.  (Go to garage.  Get snake.  Clear line.  Works perfectly)

Wife - I still think we need a new washer.

Me - Do you just hate money?

 

be wary of the long game to get new floors and new anything attached to or standing said floors.

[Johnny Sack 8397]

26 minutes ago, gyroprotagonist said:

be wary of the long game to get new floors and new anything attached to or standing said floors.

We had our floors refinished when we remodeled two years ago.  It was a massive, massive pain in the ass.

[TrashMaster G 17379]

5 hours ago, Johnny Sack said:

Washer drain was partially clogged last night.  So water started backing up and spilling out of drain pipe in washing room.  Our washer is ten years old, a good brand, but also has a little speck of rust you can see when you open it that in no way affects its utility.  Also, it was clearly a clog between the drain pipe and the sewer line because the kitchen sink and dishwasher were draining fine and the washer is the last one in the line.

Wife - Sees water on floor and gets in a huff about how we need a new washer!

Me - Why?

Wife - Water is spilling out?

Me - The drain is clogged.  I just need to run the snake.

Wife - I still think we need a new washer.

Me - That isn't going to fix it.  You can hook any washer in the world up to that drain and it is going to back up unless and until the clog is cleared.  Why spend $700 on a new washing machine when I can fix the problem in 2 minutes for free?

Wife - I don't believe you.  This is going to mess up our floors.

Me - Let me show you.  (Go to garage.  Get snake.  Clear line.  Works perfectly)

Wife - I still think we need a new washer.

Me - Why would I want a second wife?

 

fify

[Armybrat 40678]

1 hour ago, General Specific said:

Go to the local Co-Op and spend $60 on a wash board, wash bucket and soap. Then send her down to the creek with the new washing equipment with the instructions of rinse and repeat.

And PM Mrs. Brat for instructions & tips.