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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
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Felix

Felix 601

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Felix:  Why is there a $200 charge at the vet?

W: Flea meds for the dogs.

F:  Remember last night when I told you to just get a prescription and I can order them from Costco for less than half the vet price?

W.  I do now.  I'll return them.

F:  I doubt it.

W:  They won't take them back.

F:  You don't say?

In her defense she actually apologized profusely and said "I hate it when I do stupid shit like that."  I almost died trying to keep my mouth shut.

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Modessit

Modessit 5597

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We were watching a show that involved a birth and the wife in the show asked her husband about her push gift.

My wife asked what a push gift was. I explained that some women expect a gift for themselves for giving birth.

Her: Like what?

Me: I don't know - a spa day, jewelry, whatever.

Her: So they get a present for having a baby?

Me: Yep.

Her: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

So I've got that going for me. I was sure she was going to ask about why she didn't get anything for the 2 kids we have.

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

Wife had to use my car today to drive to Round Rock while I took her car in for an oil change.  Round Rock is 15 minutes away from us.  In that 30 minute round-trip drive she changed all my Sirius XM pre-set stations to what she has them set to in her car.  All 9 of them.  Also, the AC was on FULL FUCKING BLAST when I turned the car on but all the vents were shut.  

 

Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

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15 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

 

Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......

And you think she's gonna remember that???  

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txhorns

txhorns 2408

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1 hour ago, Modessit said:

We were watching a show that involved a birth and the wife in the show asked her husband about her push gift.

My wife asked what a push gift was. I explained that some women expect a gift for themselves for giving birth.

Her: Like what?

Me: I don't know - a spa day, jewelry, whatever.

Her: So they get a present for having a baby?

Me: Yep.

Her: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

So I've got that going for me. I was sure she was going to ask about why she didn't get anything for the 2 kids we have.

My wife asked about a push gift so I got her a stroller and told her to start pushing.

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Modessit said:

We were watching a show that involved a birth and the wife in the show asked her husband about her push gift.

My wife asked what a push gift was. I explained that some women expect a gift for themselves for giving birth.

Her: Like what?

Me: I don't know - a spa day, jewelry, whatever.

Her: So they get a present for having a baby?

Me: Yep.

Her: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

So I've got that going for me. I was sure she was going to ask about why she didn't get anything for the 2 kids we have.

 

Except you need to explain why you knew what the fuck a push gift was. 

edit: and if you are watching birthing videos on TLC you are doing it wrong as well. 

Edited by JimmyHoffa
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Flg8rfan

Flg8rfan 201

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Posted
 
Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......

I’ve given up. My newly licensed daughter does the same thing
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DCA_HORN

DCA_HORN 725

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Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......
She likes the temperature, just doesn't like the air blowing on her. Why us that so hard to understand? It's a corollary to the crank the ac down to 68 and lay under a blanket on the couch maneuver.
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Modessit

Modessit 5597

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Except you need to explain why you knew what the fuck a push gift was. 
edit: and if you are watching birthing videos on TLC you are doing it wrong as well. 
From here.

My wife understands that I know everything (but still argues with me about it). She calls me her "Google". When she wants to know something she asks me instead of looking it up. When I'm tired of it - I give reasonable-sounding-but-obviously-wrong info and see how long until she figures it out. Like the time I told her the Beatles named themselves after the German car but spelled it wrong because John Lennon couldn't spell after dropping out of school after the 3rd grade.
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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

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Posted
2 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

"Pearl Harbor was good! It was a love story and..."

...and that's where I stopped paying attention.

Holy shit, wife and I were watching that damned movie earlier.  Of course, I’m one that once I start watching a movie, I finish watching it unless I pass out.   Well, now I’m awake.  

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Hate

Hate 20104

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Posted
19 hours ago, luke duke said:

My wife actually bought me a gift when she had our last kid. (Yes, the kid is mine.)

 

giphy.gif

23 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

It would've been reported stolen and found in the river if my wife did that shit

 

23 hours ago, Js1 said:

The car or the wife? 

kennedy_wideweb__470x327,0.jpg

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Js1

Js1 85160

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16 hours ago, DCA_HORN said:
18 hours ago, JimmyHoffa said:
 
Every time, and yes I mean every. single. time. I get in my wife's car I have to click the auto button on the temp control and explain to her if she is hot or cold to just bump the temp up or down a couple degrees and she doesn't need to close all the vents......

She likes the temperature, just doesn't like the air blowing on her. Why us that so hard to understand? It's a corollary to the crank the ac down to 68 and lay under a blanket on the couch maneuver.

Oh fuck, am I someone's wife? I do this all the time. 

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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Had a very sick chicken at our farm. She could barely move and was very listless and not eating. 

Moved her to a pen inside the barn (garage) to get out of the heat. Knew she was close to dying but figured a quiet place with some fresh hay to lay on would be more humane than outside on the ground in the coop in the heat with the other birds.

Mrs CL knew this chicken was sick and that she was close to death. Kept sending me updates the past couple of days of her condition. 

I drove up this afternoon. Wife had left a few minutes before. One of the barn doors was wide open with direct hot sun shining down on the now very dead chicken. 

Called wife and said, "Why did you leave her in the hot sun on the concrete floor like that?"

"I thought she'd like some fresh air!"

As you can tell, Mrs CL is obviously very humane and looks out for our livestock's best interest at all times. 

She was eventually going to die anyway, but broiling in the sun on a concrete floor kind of pisses me off. 

Edited by crimsonlonghorn
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Nolacycling

Nolacycling 893

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Aaah, chicken stories. Visit some rich friends w/a Wimberley weekend place. Goats, horses, chickens as pets and of course they all have names. Wife buys service vests for her dogs so she can live that lie. Anyway, my dog is part german short haired pointer and comes into backyard with Ruby or Claire or whatever in his mouth. I've never seen him so happy, because of course this is what he was born to do. He's got a soft mouth and pierces but doesn't mutilate Clucky. I'm sure the guy ended up paying $500 for vet bill and medecine to keep the missus happy.

Edited by Nolacycling
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Modessit

Modessit 5597

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Wife just handed me her laptop to proofread her weekly newsletter for work. 

She has 21 tabs open in chrome. 

That's it? Not only will my wife have 40+ tabs in the browser, but she'll have 10+ PDF's, 3+ PowerPoints, 20+ Word documents, 15+ emails, etc open all at once. And that stupid sticky note program will have over 100 of them active. Her excuse is that she has to update each one throughout the day (she's a teacher) and it takes to long to open them again.

 

I stopped giving a shit. Her laptop is provided by the school so let their IT dept handle it.

 

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