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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Stormandy

Stormandy 2

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Posted
21 hours ago, GotThatFire said:

Lulz. Ok sure buddy. Y’all old schools are  t r a i n e d.  I bet you also instinctively put the seat down on toilets your wife never uses and then teach your sons that women are never wrong. 

Well she is physically handicapped from arthritis and doubt she could get a gas cap off anyway. That being said, what is wrong with manners like opening a door, not swearing in their presence, and treating with respect? If is wrong, I don't want to be right.

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Stormandy

Stormandy 2

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8 hours ago, G650 said:

This is in the realm of absurd. My FIL does bong rips and cleans my MIL car all the time. Because he has no actual job or hobbies.

What is wrong with doing something as easy as keeping her vehicle serviced, in good repair and full of fuel? You would probably have a problem with  opening the door for her also.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5216

Posted
Posted

 

On 10/1/2019 at 1:10 AM, GotThatFire said:

Lulz. Ok sure buddy. Y’all old schools are  t r a i n e d.  I bet you also instinctively put the seat down on toilets your wife never uses and then teach your sons that women are never wrong. 

 

2 hours ago, Stormandy said:

What is wrong with doing something as easy as keeping her vehicle serviced, in good repair and full of fuel? You would probably have a problem with  opening the door for her also.

I disagree.  He's a fucking genius for doing that, probably gets more pussy too.  You know what he's not going to have to deal with?  A fucking call in the middle of a football game he's trying to watch when he's got the house to himself because she ran out of gas when she didn't realize the fucking car needs it to run.  

I put down the fucking seats as a courtesy to her for shutting the bathroom door when she shits because that's the last thing I ever want to see.

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burntorangebongos

burntorangebongos 10752

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On 9/29/2019 at 12:33 PM, crimsonlonghorn said:

Agreed, but what's worrisome is that she said later the reason that they thought the transfer tank contained gas was that she thought it was a gasoline tractor for some reason. It could have easily been worse had she ever decided she was entitled to drive the tractor someday. Luckily she has said more than once that she's too scared to try that. 

I don't understand what happened. She and her dad put diesel in a tractor that only runs on oil? or does it take a mix?  Why didn't he know what fuel to use?  Did you assume he knew? Sorry, the story is hard to follow because I don't know much about tractors, but if I was lending a tractor to someone, I would have told them what to put in the tank if it ran out. Is it gonna be okay? 

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EE2B

EE2B 1565

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She put diesel he keeps stored on site in a lawnmower that only takes gas. She thought the tractor ran on gas and so she assumed the tank contained gas. I’m going to assume that the cap on the tractor says “diesel only” if it’s a fairly recent year model.

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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Posted
10 minutes ago, burntorangebongos said:

I don't understand what happened. She and her dad put diesel in a tractor that only runs on oil? or does it take a mix?  Why didn't he know what fuel to use?  Did you assume he knew? Sorry, the story is hard to follow because I don't know much about tractors, but if I was lending a tractor to someone, I would have told them what to put in the tank if it ran out. Is it gonna be okay? 

FIL drained the lawnmower of the diesel and filled it back up with gasoline. There was a lot of blue smoke but it was ultimately fine and undamaged. 

The tractor runs on diesel. Almost all tractors run on diesel. Wife just assumed that there was "gas" in the storage tank next to the tractor. FIL said he asked her about it but she insisted the tractor ran on gasoline so he just followed her instructions, then wife complained that the diesel was "shitty gas" because it wouldn't burn on the lawnmower. Well duh. 

Nobody borrowed the tractor and tractor was undamaged. 

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deadshank

deadshank 24653

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1 hour ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

FIL drained the lawnmower of the diesel and filled it back up with gasoline. There was a lot of blue smoke but it was ultimately fine and undamaged. 

The tractor runs on diesel. Almost all tractors run on diesel. Wife just assumed that there was "gas" in the storage tank next to the tractor. FIL said he asked her about it but she insisted the tractor ran on gasoline so he just followed her instructions, then wife complained that the diesel was "shitty gas" because it wouldn't burn on the lawnmower. Well duh. 

Nobody borrowed the tractor and tractor was undamaged. 

It may be time to review a few things in your world. 

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Sandman

Sandman 3414

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9 hours ago, Mac8111 said:

She completely and totally fucked up spaghetti dinner tonight. I’m not even sure how, but it did not taste good at all.


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My wife made spaghetti once when we first got married. The sauce was just horrible, I couldn't eat it. I respectfully told her that this didn't taste right. She said she followed her mom's recipe and didn't know what was wrong. Turns out, the sauce was not made with tomato sauce or base or crushed tomatoes. It was made with fucking ketchup (which I don't eat). Next time we went to the store, I showed her the Bertolli's sauce she should buy. Spaghetti's been fine ever since.

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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15 minutes ago, Sandman said:

My wife made spaghetti once when we first got married. The sauce was just horrible, I couldn't eat it. I respectfully told her that this didn't taste right. She said she followed her mom's recipe and didn't know what was wrong. Turns out, the sauce was not made with tomato sauce or base or crushed tomatoes. It was made with fucking ketchup (which I don't eat). Next time we went to the store, I showed her the Bertolli's sauce she should buy. Spaghetti's been fine ever since.

At least your wife uses sauce. Mine just browns some meat with canned tomatoes and whatever vegetables she can find in the fridge and calls that "spaghetti", when it's actually just a plate full of noodles mixed with chunks of other food.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9465

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3 hours ago, burntorangebongos said:

Gotcha. my reading comprehension sucks this morning. You'd think they'd notice the difference in the smell though. Diesel smells way different than gas to me. Glad to hear your shit is still functioning and all is well.. 

I would add that like he said, lots of blue smoke when diesel gets in a gas engine, but relatively harmless compared to gas in a diesel engine. Fucks things up worse than Aggy designing seating for a football stadium. I think his main concern was not that diesel got into the lawnmower, but that the tractor was believed to run on gasoline. 

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deadshank

deadshank 24653

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1 hour ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

At least your wife uses sauce. Mine just browns some meat with canned tomatoes and whatever vegetables she can find in the fridge and calls that "spaghetti", when it's actually just a plate full of noodles mixed with chunks of other food.

At least your wife "cooks."

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luke duke

luke duke 6414

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Background: We hardly ever go to the movies. I can’t even remember the last time we went to see a non-kid movie in the theater, so it’s not like I’m dragging her to see Rambo every weekend.

 

Wife: We should go see a movie this weekend. Perhaps something I want to see and you don’t. (Her exact words)

Me: be1dbc575c26289f2d1e4488b8ff78d8.gif

Wife: You need to compromise more.

Me: Where’s the compromise in your proposal?

Her: Tone.

 

 

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luke duke

luke duke 6414

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Posted

One of the kids had a soccer game this past Saturday. I was gone all day. Mrs. Duke gets our pop up tent out of the shed, rolls it through the backyard, uses it, brings it home, rolls it back though the backyard and this where she leaves it.
91140c2adb5548ec2f9fefd07a255212.jpg

So far the sprinklers have gone off twice. I decided to move it back in the shed this morning since the lawn guy is coming today, even though he said she would do it.

On the one hand I’m happy that she got it that far, but, on the other hand, I think I would have had more respect for her if she had asked me to unload it from the car for her instead of being lazy and leaving it 2ft short of its destination.

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

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2 hours ago, luke duke said:

One of the kids had a soccer game this past Saturday. I was gone all day. Mrs. Duke gets our pop up tent out of the shed, rolls it through the backyard, uses it, brings it home, rolls it back though the backyard and this where she leaves it.
91140c2adb5548ec2f9fefd07a255212.jpg

So far the sprinklers have gone off twice. I decided to move it back in the shed this morning since the lawn guy is coming today, even though he said she would do it.

On the one hand I’m happy that she got it that far, but, on the other hand, I think I would have had more respect for her if she had asked me to unload it from the car for her instead of being lazy and leaving it 2ft short of its destination.

What is it about these simple tasks that make it literally impossible for a woman to complete. Leaving the tent just outside the shed, taking trash to the can but leaving it on the counter next to it, wtf. Are they like this in every other aspect of their lives? Do they get distracted and forget to wipe their asses after taking a shit? I'm fucking baffled.

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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13 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

 

 

I disagree.  He's a fucking genius for doing that, probably gets more pussy too.  You know what he's not going to have to deal with?  A fucking call in the middle of a football game he's trying to watch when he's got the house to himself because she ran out of gas when she didn't realize the fucking car needs it to run.  

I put down the fucking seats as a courtesy to her for shutting the bathroom door when she shits because that's the last thing I ever want to see.

So, not German?

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5216

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

What is it about these simple tasks that make it literally impossible for a woman to complete. Leaving the tent just outside the shed, taking trash to the can but leaving it on the counter next to it, wtf. Are they like this in every other aspect of their lives? Do they get distracted and forget to wipe their asses after taking a shit? I'm fucking baffled.

pure fucking laziness and lack of awareness of what could happen if not put exactly back where intended.  We play chess while they play checkers.  No ability to look at things from any other level than present and flat 1D

Edited by mulletpelini
yet I'm the asshole.
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Modessit

Modessit 5606

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Posted
FIL drained the lawnmower of the diesel and filled it back up with gasoline. There was a lot of blue smoke but it was ultimately fine and undamaged. 
The tractor runs on diesel. Almost all tractors run on diesel. Wife just assumed that there was "gas" in the storage tank next to the tractor. FIL said he asked her about it but she insisted the tractor ran on gasoline so he just followed her instructions, then wife complained that the diesel was "shitty gas" because it wouldn't burn on the lawnmower. Well duh. 
Nobody borrowed the tractor and tractor was undamaged. 
Did you at least lecture her on the terms "fuel" and "gas" and why diesel is one but not the other?
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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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5 hours ago, Modessit said:
23 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:
FIL drained the lawnmower of the diesel and filled it back up with gasoline. There was a lot of blue smoke but it was ultimately fine and undamaged. 
The tractor runs on diesel. Almost all tractors run on diesel. Wife just assumed that there was "gas" in the storage tank next to the tractor. FIL said he asked her about it but she insisted the tractor ran on gasoline so he just followed her instructions, then wife complained that the diesel was "shitty gas" because it wouldn't burn on the lawnmower. Well duh. 
Nobody borrowed the tractor and tractor was undamaged. 

Did you at least lecture her on the terms "fuel" and "gas" and why diesel is one but not the other?

Here's something funny to consider: she's a chemical engineer and works for an oil company. 

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12487

Posted
Posted
On 10/2/2019 at 8:11 AM, crimsonlonghorn said:

At least your wife uses sauce. Mine just browns some meat with canned tomatoes and whatever vegetables she can find in the fridge and calls that "spaghetti", when it's actually just a plate full of noodles mixed with chunks of other food.

I'm thinking you should just handle the cooking.

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4977

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 10/3/2019 at 1:26 AM, WhatTheBuck said:

Did you ever consider painting the word "Diesel" on the tank?

You don't paint the word "Diesel" on the tank. You scratch it into the paint that is already on the tank so that the rust colored letters stand out slightly from the dirty flakey paint already on the tank. 

Edited by NotActuallyALonghorn
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HornsOverIthaca

HornsOverIthaca 2335

Posted
Posted
On 10/2/2019 at 12:12 PM, luke duke said:

One of the kids had a soccer game this past Saturday. I was gone all day. Mrs. Duke gets our pop up tent out of the shed, rolls it through the backyard, uses it, brings it home, rolls it back though the backyard and this where she leaves it.
91140c2adb5548ec2f9fefd07a255212.jpg

So far the sprinklers have gone off twice. I decided to move it back in the shed this morning since the lawn guy is coming today, even though he said she would do it.

On the one hand I’m happy that she got it that far, but, on the other hand, I think I would have had more respect for her if she had asked me to unload it from the car for her instead of being lazy and leaving it 2ft short of its destination.

That is a shed that could survive any hurricane.

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MrPhlegm

MrPhlegm 3413

Posted
Posted
Tomorrow my wife and one of her friends are going to go pay movie theater prices and movie theater concessions to watch several episodes of Friends. A show she has memorized every episode of and can watch on Netflix any time she wants. 
But this is an "event"
brown starfish!
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Mudcat35

Mudcat35 196

Posted
Posted

I'm not sure if I can write this post without laughing hysterically, crying a little, or running screaming from the building, but I'm going to try.

Mrs. Mudcat has a tendency to take off her glasses and leave them on a table by where she is sitting if she's reading, crocheting, or whatever, so her saying "I can't find my glasses - can you help me?" is not a unique thing.

Saturday afternoon, I'm in my office doing some work, and I hear from the other room "I can't find my glasses - can you help me?".  I get up from my desk, and we have a little fire drill looking for her glasses.  I'm searching the living room, dining room, spare bedroom, office, bathrooms, kitchen, our room - nothing.  Trying to make her feel better about losing her glasses, I say "let me find them.  I know when I lose mine, I can't find them either.  You take a break."  Keep I still haven't looked at her, because I've been in the other rooms.  She replies, "I can see without my glasses, just not far away".  That's not even the slightest bit true.  We'll just leave it at that.

So, I go through another fire drill looking all around the house for the glasses.  Still nothing.  

I hear her in the kitchen looking in the refrigerator for something to drink.

I say, "OH - I SEE YOU'VE FOUND YOUR GLASSES!"

She replies, "No, where are they?"

 

"They're on your face."

 

"Oh."

 

SMDH.

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1817

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Posted
13 minutes ago, Mudcat35 said:

I'm not sure if I can write this post without laughing hysterically, crying a little, or running screaming from the building, but I'm going to try.

Mrs. Mudcat has a tendency to take off her glasses and leave them on a table by where she is sitting if she's reading, crocheting, or whatever, so her saying "I can't find my glasses - can you help me?" is not a unique thing.

Saturday afternoon, I'm in my office doing some work, and I hear from the other room "I can't find my glasses - can you help me?".  I get up from my desk, and we have a little fire drill looking for her glasses.  I'm searching the living room, dining room, spare bedroom, office, bathrooms, kitchen, our room - nothing.  Trying to make her feel better about losing her glasses, I say "let me find them.  I know when I lose mine, I can't find them either.  You take a break."  Keep I still haven't looked at her, because I've been in the other rooms.  She replies, "I can see without my glasses, just not far away".  That's not even the slightest bit true.  We'll just leave it at that.

So, I go through another fire drill looking all around the house for the glasses.  Still nothing.  

I hear her in the kitchen looking in the refrigerator for something to drink.

I say, "OH - I SEE YOU'VE FOUND YOUR GLASSES!"

She replies, "No, where are they?"

 

"They're on your face."

 

"Oh."

 

SMDH.

Dude that is 100% on you. Whenever my wife says she cannot find something, the ABSOLUTE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED first place I look is her person, followed by her purse.

Sunglasses? Look at her face and head.

Keys? Look at her hands.

Shoes? Look at her feet.

Phone? Pocket then purse.

etc.

Then I move in concentric circles outward from her person. I usually find the missing object by sight within ten seconds. 

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I learned to check the garbage can first when my ex lost her car keys. She always had a DR Pepper in her hand and when she got home about half the time she would drop her keys in when she threw away her can

What I got out of that is that your ex used to actually throw her used drink containers in the trash.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5216

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Posted
32 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I learned to check the garbage can first when my ex lost her car keys. She always had a DR Pepper in her hand and when she got home about half the time she would drop her keys in when she threw away her can

Did she switch up other things, like ass and vagina?  Because that would be a good thing....

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EE2B

EE2B 1565

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Posted
I learned to check the garbage can first when my ex lost her car keys. She always had a DR Pepper in her hand and when she got home about half the time she would drop her keys in when she threw away her can

We did that Saturday morning. Wife can’t find her keys, so I give her my set. 10 minutes after she leaves I find them in the trash covered in ketchup.
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