Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Pato del Muerto 53529]

With mine, the go to for lost keys is the pocket of the coat she last wore. 

[Modessit 5667]

I love it when my wife tells me she doesn't need to look somewhere because she'd "never put it there". Finally - to prove me wrong - she looks in her other bag / trunk / jacket / etc and finds it.

Then she says, "Oh, that's right! I put it there because..."

But I don't stick around to find out.

[BHMCruiser 1828]

4 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I learned to check the garbage can first when my ex lost her car keys. She always had a DR Pepper in her hand and when she got home about half the time she would drop her keys in when she threw away her can

That is awesome and I can see it like I'm there

[LABEVO 928]

We give our dog meds daily for allergies. The dog needs half a pill. 

Her: make sure you break the pills in half 

Me: I do, everyday

her: what?! You have to break all the pills in half 

me: I do. Everyday when I get a pill and then break in half if not already

her: but what do you do with the other half?

me: put it back in the bottle

her: then you will lose it. Why would you do that? You have to break all the pills at once so you don’t lose them 

me: w t f

her: you won’t be able to find the other half of the pill if you put it in he bottle

me: w t f

her: I will just do it so you don’t mess it up 

me, walks away 

Edited October 7, 2019 by LABEVO

[tbone_ 14454]

You played that perfectly.

[Kennythetiger 9632]

Guess who doesn’t have to mess with pills anymore- you. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 22308]

The same guy who will soon be shopping for a new dog

[Scheiss Meister 8472]

5 hours ago, LABEVO said:

We give our dog meds daily for allergies. The dog needs half a pill. 

Her: make sure you break the pills in half 

Me: I do, everyday

her: what?! You have to break all the pills in half 

me: I do. Everyday when I get a pill and then break in half if not already

her: but what do you do with the other half?

me: put it back in the bottle

her: then you will lose it. Why would you do that? You have to break all the pills at once so you don’t lose them 

me: w t f

her: you won’t be able to find the other half of the pill if you put it in he bottle

me: w t f

her: I will just do it so you don’t mess it up 

me, walks away 

Oh, you poor, poor man.  You either married my insane ex sister-in-law, or her doppelganger.  She would do all kinds of crazy shit like that.

[mulletpelini 5225]

8 hours ago, Modessit said:

Then she says, "Oh, that's right! I put it there because..."

a. I accelerate towards red lights

b. I listen to complete strangers opinions and accept them as law

c. I'm much too busy to lift the garbage into the can, but I'll leave it right next to it

d. all of the above

[Buzzrock 15136]

Dog pill story is straight down the middle of what this thread is all about.

[You don't know me 1163]

3 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Dog pill story is straight down the middle of what this thread is all about.

Shit, he drove the green on that one.

[Cheeseweasel 26440]

35 minutes ago, You don't know me said:

Shit, he drove the green on that one.

[TrashMaster G 18109]

19 hours ago, LABEVO said:

We give our dog meds daily for allergies. The dog needs half a pill. 

Her: make sure you break the pills in half 

Me: I do, everyday

her: what?! You have to break all the pills in half 

me: I do. Everyday when I get a pill and then break in half if not already

her: but what do you do with the other half?

me: put it back in the bottle

her: then you will lose it. Why would you do that? You have to break all the pills at once so you don’t lose them 

me: w t f

her: you won’t be able to find the other half of the pill if you put it in he bottle

me: w t f

her: I will just do it so you don’t mess it up 

me, walks away 

Even given that it's a woman, I would hang around for the rest of that conversation.  I think there would be real entertainment value in her "logic" for why a half pill would be lost in the bottle.

[Cheeseweasel 26440]

11 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Even given that it's a woman, I would hang around for the rest of that conversation.  I think there would be real entertainment value in her "logic" for why a half pill would be lost in the bottle.

Because. Duh.

[WhatTheBuck 28931]

20 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Even given that it's a woman, I would hang around for the rest of that conversation.  I think there would be real entertainment value in her "logic" for why a half pill would be lost in the bottle.

Well, you see, the half pill will get lost in a bottle of whole pills. So instead of giving the dog the leftover half of yesterday's pill, you wind up breaking another whole pill in half. That remaining half will also get lost in the bottle of whole pills. Obviously the only solution is to break all the pills in half so you have a bottle full of half pills. That way none of the half pills will be lost and you won't waste half the bottle. Duh. 

[Pato del Muerto 53529]

This one’s too good and layered not to tell, even though it’s not my wife. 

The setting:  our family all go to the same hair stylist  because she used to be our neighbor, helping a small business, yada yada. 

So waiting as my sons get their cuts, and in the other chair is a woman talking with her stylist about looking for a place to travel for her anniversary.  So I know she’s married.

The line:  I wanted to go to Hawaii,  but passports cost too much. 

The good news is that Hawaii is now back on the list!

[G650 14443]

Gold

[nnm 37916]

40 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

This one’s too good and layered not to tell, even though it’s not my wife. 

The setting:  our family all go to the same hair stylist  because she used to be our neighbor, helping a small business, yada yada. 

So waiting as my sons get their cuts, and in the other chair is a woman talking with her stylist about looking for a place to travel for her anniversary.  So I know she’s married.

The line:  I wanted to go to Hawaii,  but passports cost too much. 

The good news is that Hawaii is now back on the list!

It costs $110 to get a passport. 

That's the impediment to a trip to Hawaii?  Not the plane ticket?  Or the average $250/night hotel?  Or the fact that a basic dinner out for two in a neighborhood pub is an eye-watering $62, or that it is the most expensive place in the world to buy four rolls of toilet paper ($6)?

OK, yeah, it's the passport.  

[Pato del Muerto 53529]

Like I said, layered. 

I guess I should mention that yes she is American and we are in the USA. Lest anyone be unsure. 

Edited October 8, 2019 by Pato del Muerto

[TrashMaster G 18109]

39 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Like I said, layered. 

I guess I should mention that yes she is American and we are in the USA. Lest anyone be unsure. 

Didn't we lose Hawaii in WWII when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

[workswithseed 2204]

5 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Didn't we lose Hawaii in WWII when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

I mean, they just blitzcreiged the marine for damn sure.

[G650 14443]

1 hour ago, nnm said:

It costs $110 to get a passport. 

That's the impediment to a trip to Hawaii?  Not the plane ticket?  Or the average $250/night hotel?  Or the fact that a basic dinner out for two in a neighborhood pub is an eye-watering $62, or that it is the most expensive place in the world to buy four rolls of toilet paper ($6)?

OK, yeah, it's the passport.  

[Cheeseweasel 26440]

45 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Didn't we lose Hawaii in WWII when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

[gyroprotagonist 2597]

2 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Well, you see, the half pill will get lost in a bottle of whole pills. So instead of giving the dog the leftover half of yesterday's pill, you wind up breaking another whole pill in half. That remaining half will also get lost in the bottle of whole pills. Obviously the only solution is to break all the pills in half so you have a bottle full of half pills. That way none of the half pills will be lost and you won't waste half the bottle. Duh. 

I think the real question is that if she happened to shake out a half pill, would she put it back in the bottle and fish out a whole one to split?

[Cheeseweasel 26440]

1 minute ago, gyroprotagonist said:

I think the real question is that if she happened to shake out a half pill, would she put it back in the bottle and fish out a whole one to split?

[TrashMaster G 18109]

12 minutes ago, gyroprotagonist said:

I think the real question is that if she happened to shake out a half pill, would she put it back in the bottle and fish out a whole one to split?

Right.  And then I'd be waiting for her to say that she's going to toss all the half pills.  Expecting it, really.

[utee94 16090]

Catching up on the last 10 pages or so.  Most important discovery is that @luke duke has a very strong shed game.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8984]

5 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

This one’s too good and layered not to tell, even though it’s not my wife. 

The setting:  our family all go to the same hair stylist  because she used to be our neighbor, helping a small business, yada yada. 

So waiting as my sons get their cuts, and in the other chair is a woman talking with her stylist about looking for a place to travel for her anniversary.  So I know she’s married.

The line:  I wanted to go to Hawaii,  but passports cost too much. 

The good news is that Hawaii is now back on the list!

was she hot?

[Gil Bang 26245]

I'm bringing in a ringer here.  Apologies if anyone is offended.

 

 

[nnm 37916]

12 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

I'm bringing in a ringer here.  Apologies if anyone is offended.

 

 

That’s awesome. And I just finished episode 1. 

[VolenteHawk 495]

7 hours ago, nnm said:

It costs $110 to get a passport. 

That's the impediment to a trip to Hawaii?  Not the plane ticket?  Or the average $250/night hotel?  Or the fact that a basic dinner out for two in a neighborhood pub is an eye-watering $62, or that it is the most expensive place in the world to buy four rolls of toilet paper ($6)?

OK, yeah, it's the passport.  

They were going to save money by going AirBnB and driving.

Dumbass.

 

[crimsonlonghorn 2313]

16 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

Even given that it's a woman, I would hang around for the rest of that conversation.  I think there would be real entertainment value in her "logic" for why a half pill would be lost in the bottle.

If you don't give the dog successive halves from the same pill the dog will die and the terrorists will win. How do you know that today's half matches yesterday's if the bottle is full of nothing but halves? Your wife outsmarted you on that one, genius. 

[El Diablo 4232]

What are the whole pills for, anyway? Dogs with twice the allergies?

[Cheeseweasel 26440]

13 hours ago, utee94 said:

Catching up on the last 10 pages or so.  Most important discovery is that @luke duke has a very strong shed game.

[Cheeseweasel 26440]

2 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

If you don't give the dog successive halves from the same pill the dog will die and the terrorists will win. How do you know that today's half matches yesterday's if the bottle is full of nothing but halves? Your wife outsmarted you on that one, genius. 

Somewhere there is a pharmaceutical company pondering selling half-pills for twice the price knowing that wives exist.

[Pato del Muerto 53529]

2 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

If you don't give the dog successive halves from the same pill the dog will die and the terrorists will win. How do you know that today's half matches yesterday's if the bottle is full of nothing but halves? Your wife outsmarted you on that one, genius. 

Once you break the pill, you trigger a 24 hour expiration for both halves. 

[Trey3216 15452]

7 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Once you break the pill, you trigger a 24 hour expiration for both halves. 

Half Life: Pharmaceutical Expansion Pack 

[GottaB 605]

Once you break the pill, you trigger a 24 hour expiration for both halves. 

[luke duke 6450]

Catching up on the last 10 pages or so.  Most important discovery is that [mention=1044]luke duke[/mention] has a very strong shed game.

That’s what happens when an engineer designs a shed.

[davidg 4058]

12 hours ago, VolenteHawk said:

They were going to save money by going AirBnB and driving.

Dumbass.

 

Waiting for that bridge to be built too

[TrashMaster G 18109]

2 hours ago, El Diablo said:

What are the whole pills for, anyway? Dogs with twice the allergies?

Bigger dogs, maybe.  They do exist.

[El Diablo 4232]

14 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Bigger dogs, maybe.  They do exist.

Surly posters don't own small dogs. Never.

[TrashMaster G 18109]

5 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Surly posters don't own small dogs. Never.

But their wives might.

[Chopper 17432]

Game 5 of the playoffs, was watching all night. Gets to the bottom of the 9th, tie game, 2 out...

Wife was otherwise sitting quietly near me, reading. Then pops up out of nowhere with, "We need to make sure our credit card is giving us the most bang for the buck." 

Me: "Can we talk about this later? Maybe tomorrow?

Her: "I was just talking out loud."

In retrospect, I guess I should've taken that as a sign to shut off the fucking tv and stop watching baseball forever. 

Edited October 10, 2019 by Chopper

[mulletpelini 5225]

17 hours ago, El Diablo said:

What are the whole pills for, anyway? Dogs with twice the allergies?

two dogs at the same time.

[Incredulity 11877]

On 10/9/2019 at 4:51 AM, El Diablo said:

What are the whole pills for, anyway? Dogs with twice the allergies?

For families with two dogs.  Come on...

 

 

Edited October 10, 2019 by Incredulity
Tips cap to Mullet. Apologies.

[Js1 87190]

7 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

two dogs at the same time.

Two dogs, one pill. 

[Frank The Tank 1503]

9 hours ago, Chopper said:

Her: "I was just talking out loud."

My wife uses this phrase all the time and it drives me nuts. 
 

Her: “Unintelligible mumbling.”

Me: “What was that, were you talking to me?” (We’re the only two in the house)

Her: “Oh nothing, I was just talking out loud.”

Me: 

Me in my head: “No shit. That’s what talking is. If you said it out loud it was meant for someone to hear it. If you said it in your head, that’s called thinking.”

[elfenix 34753]

if it wasn't loud enough for you to hear it, does your wife still hold you to it 3 days later?

[Js1 87190]

12 hours ago, Chopper said:

Game 5 of the playoffs, was watching all night. Gets to the bottom of the 9th, tie game, 2 out...

Wife was otherwise sitting quietly near me, reading. Then pops up out of nowhere with, "We need to make sure our credit card is giving us the most bang for the buck." 

Me: "Can we talk about this later? Maybe tomorrow?

Her: "I was just talking out loud."

In retrospect, I guess I should've taken that as a sign to shut off the fucking tv and stop watching baseball forever. 

You: I'd wish you'd suck my dick and let me go pooper tonight.

Her: Did you say something?

You: I was just talking out loud.