Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[deadshank 24654]

On 10/31/2019 at 2:13 PM, Saint Austin said:

Not my wife, but a woman at work saw a hawk perched outside one of our windows. She asked if I thought it was a boy or a girl. I had no idea, but another woman said boy, because she's "pretty sure all hawks are boys."

Ha. My wife insisted birds didn’t have ears and couldn’t hear. I asked her “why do birds sing, have mating calls and duck hunters use calls?”

Tone. 

[lateshow 1322]

1 hour ago, davidg said:

Worked in 1986, will work now.

Troph? 

[Modessit 5667]

Worked in 1986, will work now.

Not only was that a real woman but she was in Playboy in 1984. With a huge bush.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22305]

Today a big bush could get mistaken for a penis

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Today a big bush could get mistaken for a penis

"That's not a penis. That is a penis."

[hundredTT 578]

Fiancée always complains we don’t go out enough, mainly during football season. She says how can I just sit and watch football all day. I ask her how can she binge watch Chick shows on Netflix for hours at a time. Tone. So I have tickets for Clay Walker tonight, and she’s in the bed on her phone saying she doesn’t want to be rushed today, when the concerts at 7 and I know she’s gonna take forever to get ready, and we will miss half the show 

[G650 14438]

Clay Walker is still around?

[spystud13 2371]

Playing at 7 too. 

[tbone_ 14451]

Bail now while it’s still cheap.

[Kennythetiger 9629]

She won’t be lonely long. 

[tbone_ 14451]

Also, no one gives a shit about a fiancé

[mulletpelini 5225]

2 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Fiancée always complains we don’t go out enough, mainly during football season. She says how can I just sit and watch football all day. I ask her how can she binge watch Chick shows on Netflix for hours at a time. Tone. So I have tickets for Clay Walker tonight, and she’s in the bed on her phone saying she doesn’t want to be rushed today, when the concerts at 7 and I know she’s gonna take forever to get ready, and we will miss half the show 

Edited November 3, 2019 by mulletpelini
not even married

[General Specific 3508]

Fiancée always complains we don’t go out enough, mainly during football season. She says how can I just sit and watch football all day. I ask her how can she binge watch Chick shows on Netflix for hours at a time. Tone. So I have tickets for Clay Walker tonight, and she’s in the bed on her phone saying she doesn’t want to be rushed today, when the concerts at 7 and I know she’s gonna take forever to get ready, and we will miss half the show 

Welcome Jimbo....

Some people are the pin, others the cushion. Sounds like you’re the latter, not the former!

NTTITWWT

[MNLonghornFUKM 8984]

i havent gone out on a date with my wife since we went to Ed Sheeran like 13 months ago.

[G650 14438]

10 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

i havent gone out on a date with my wife since we went to Ed Sheeran like 13 months ago.

Oof. 

 

Date nights are all that keep me and my wife sane.

[Armybrat 41412]

On 11/1/2019 at 7:13 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Today a big bush could get mistaken for a penis

When they get older the bush thins out.

[Armybrat 41412]

42 minutes ago, G650 said:

Oof. 

 

Date nights are all that keep me and my wife sane.

Vegas, baby!

[Pato del Muerto 53512]

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

When they get older the bush thins out.

Sy Sperling can help with that

[Armybrat 41412]

Mrs. Brat will pass.

[Nivek 17415]

On 10/28/2019 at 11:13 AM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

My grandfather nearly killed a man once for making a comment about my grandmother

Here is something I can't understand.

[BearSchlong 8247]

Today's our 1st anniversary.

Wife just summarized our marriage.

"If there's anyone in the world who I would want to annoy the fucking shit out of me, its you."

I feel the same way, love of my life.

[mulletpelini 5225]

Similar, was told yesterday I was disgusting, unclassy and uncultured.  I wiped a tear from eye and told her "there is no one on earth I would prefer to disappoint the rest of my life"

[TKthunder2 5059]

On 11/2/2019 at 5:36 PM, hundredTT said:

Fiancée always complains we don’t go out enough, mainly during football season. She says how can I just sit and watch football all day. I ask her how can she binge watch Chick shows on Netflix for hours at a time. Tone. So I have tickets for Clay Walker tonight, and she’s in the bed on her phone saying she doesn’t want to be rushed today, when the concerts at 7 and I know she’s gonna take forever to get ready, and we will miss half the show 

Sitting up here in the suites watching Clay Walker right now.  5 month pregnant wife got ready on time and setup the babysitter all without drama...but she brought a huge ass coat thinking it would be cold because the HEB Center has an ice rink.  It’s been sitting on the back of my seat all night.

[hundredTT 578]

12 minutes ago, TKthunder2 said:

Sitting up here in the suites watching Clay Walker right now.  5 month pregnant wife got ready on time and setup the babysitter all without drama...but she brought a huge ass coat thinking it would be cold because the HEB Center has an ice rink.  It’s been sitting on the back of my seat all night.

Nice, Cedar park right? My fiancée dressed like we were in Russia and was still cold. But hey, the man can put on a show. Didn’t mind leaving early to beat the traffic and drunks home. We were in the country in Boerne. Saw several dead deer on my way back on the roads. 

Edited November 4, 2019 by hundredTT

[Celery Man 21098]

Update on the Harry Potter guest room. She was painting a picture of Dumbledore, which... wasn’t too out of the ordinary. Then she had more painting supplies, and now it is this


Apparently it’s not done. One of those frames is empty and I think is going to have a print of this


and she said something about a stencil.

[retsevlys 408]

Your wife has painting skills. Weird bedroom painting skills.

[Pato del Muerto 53512]

Gotta say, the candles are a nice touch for that room.  

[Modessit 5667]

Tell her if it doesn't have a (stuffed) owl somewhere then it's not really a Harry Potter room.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22305]

At least you won’t have to worry about any guests overstating their welcome

[NeverMarryAStripper 22305]

At least you won’t have to worry about any guests overstating their welcome

[spystud13 2371]

We heard you once. 

[Kennythetiger 9629]

He overstated it.  Like his guests.

[thunderlounge 8414]

8 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Update on the Harry Potter guest room. She was painting a picture of Dumbledore, which... wasn’t too out of the ordinary. Then she had more painting supplies, and now it is this


Apparently it’s not done. One of those frames is empty and I think is going to have a print of this


and she said something about a stencil.

 

 

I hope she paints your junk well with her lipstick. If not, well, hope you don't end up on some show on ID.

 

[Js1 87187]

2 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

At least you won’t have to worry about any guests overstating their welcome

I would move into this room. 

[HenryJames 67385]

9 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Update on the Harry Potter guest room. She was painting a picture of Dumbledore, which... wasn’t too out of the ordinary. Then she had more painting supplies, and now it is this


Apparently it’s not done. One of those frames is empty and I think is going to have a print of this


and she said something about a stencil.

@Mitch Cumsteen's wife is going to get that room after your divorce.

[WhatTheBuck 28931]

Is that a stuffed animal? Or animal cruelty?

[Sandman 3434]

At the grocery store last night, my kid put lunch meat on the list because the stuff we have is almost expired. 

Me: Don't get the 1 pound pack, I don't want it going bad like the last one.

Wife: So get the 16 ounce pack?

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

6 minutes ago, Sandman said:

At the grocery store last night, my kid put lunch meat on the list because the stuff we have is almost expired. 

Me: Don't get the 1 pound pack, I don't want it going bad like the last one.

Wife: So get the 16 ounce pack?

[Player 4611]

Kevin isn’t having any of that Harry Potter bullshit, is he?

[Liteitup 144]

Last week driving, phone rings.

 

Have you been in a wreck?

Not yet, why?

We heard at work there was a bad wreck on 35 South.

Oh, thanks. Whereabouts?

I told you. 35 South.

Ummmm, can you narrow it down a little? 35 runs from Canada to Mexico.

35 South, I told you. I don't know what else you want. 

Ok, thanks. I'll be on the lookout.

[deadshank 24654]

1 hour ago, Sandman said:

At the grocery store last night, my kid put lunch meat on the list because the stuff we have is almost expired. 

Me: Don't get the 1 pound pack, I don't want it going bad like the last one.

Wife: So get the 16 ounce pack?

Don’t be too put out over her lack of knowledge with weight conversions.   

She is more used to dealing with inches. 

[Mitch Cumsteen 18963]

14 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Apparently it’s not done. One of those frames is empty and I think is going to have a print of this
 

The "it's not done" concept is one that I struggled with for many years. Because it's NEVER done. A normal person furnishes a room, throws some paintings (or a giant ceramic crab, as the case may be) up on the wall and that's that. But not until it was explained to me that decor is a fluid, constantly changing ideal rather than something that has an absolute beginning and an end, did I truly give up. Good luck Celery. It only gets worse.

And for a more apropos contribution to this thread... my wife has an acquaintance who is a wedding planner. Apparently it is a thing now for there to be a special table at wedding receptions for the bride and groom. And it is apparently now a thing that the bride/groom table be something especially "unique". And it is apparently now competitive among brides in having an especially unique bride/groom table. And guess who has the most unique one-of-a-kind plates, table settings, furnishings, table cloths, nick knacks, etc?

And guess who was offered something like $1500-2000 per weekend to rent this shit out but thinks it's kinda trashy to rent out your personal stuff and doesn't want the hassle of people coming in and removing our stuff and is afraid for something to get damaged because, "That stuff is irreplaceable and they don't make those plates anymore and I don't want my stuff broken. And can you imagine them coming in and removing that loveseat right out of our living room for the weekend?" The most uncomfortable love seat known to man? Not only can I imagine them removing it and hopefully never bringing it back, but I'm pretty sure I would have an orgasm if somebody paid good American dollars for the pain of actually sitting on it. Are you fucking kidding me?

So in the most unbelievable upset in the history of mankind,  I was on the verge of monetizing all some of the ridiculous crap that my wife has procured over the years only to be kicked in the nuts. 

[cactusflinthead 27627]

Somehow it's fitting that you could only get a glimpse of the promised land while you wander through the wilderness. 

[Flg8rfan 201]

Anyone considering marriage should real all of Mr. Cumsteens posts.

[Player 4611]

36 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

The "it's not done" concept is one that I struggled with for many years. Because it's NEVER done. A normal person furnishes a room, throws some paintings (or a giant ceramic crab, as the case may be) up on the wall and that's that. But not until it was explained to me that decor is a fluid, constantly changing ideal rather than something that has an absolute beginning and an end, did I truly give up. Good luck Celery. It only gets worse.

And for a more apropos contribution to this thread... my wife has an acquaintance who is a wedding planner. Apparently it is a thing now for there to be a special table at wedding receptions for the bride and groom. And it is apparently now a thing that the bride/groom table be something especially "unique". And it is apparently now competitive among brides in having an especially unique bride/groom table. And guess who has the most unique one-of-a-kind plates, table settings, furnishings, table cloths, nick knacks, etc?

And guess who was offered something like $1500-2000 per weekend to rent this shit out but thinks it's kinda trashy to rent out your personal stuff and doesn't want the hassle of people coming in and removing our stuff and is afraid for something to get damaged because, "That stuff is irreplaceable and they don't make those plates anymore and I don't want my stuff broken. And can you imagine them coming in and removing that loveseat right out of our living room for the weekend?" The most uncomfortable love seat known to man? Not only can I imagine them removing it and hopefully never bringing it back, but I'm pretty sure I would have an orgasm if somebody paid good American dollars for the pain of actually sitting on it. Are you fucking kidding me?

So in the most unbelievable upset in the history of mankind,  I was on the verge of monetizing all some of the ridiculous crap that my wife has procured over the years only to be kicked in the nuts. 

 

[NeverMarryAStripper 22305]

54 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

The "it's not done" concept is one that I struggled with for many years. Because it's NEVER done. A normal person furnishes a room, throws some paintings (or a giant ceramic crab, as the case may be) up on the wall and that's that. But not until it was explained to me that decor is a fluid, constantly changing ideal rather than something that has an absolute beginning and an end, did I truly give up. Good luck Celery. It only gets worse.

And for a more apropos contribution to this thread... my wife has an acquaintance who is a wedding planner. Apparently it is a thing now for there to be a special table at wedding receptions for the bride and groom. And it is apparently now a thing that the bride/groom table be something especially "unique". And it is apparently now competitive among brides in having an especially unique bride/groom table. And guess who has the most unique one-of-a-kind plates, table settings, furnishings, table cloths, nick knacks, etc?

And guess who was offered something like $1500-2000 per weekend to rent this shit out but thinks it's kinda trashy to rent out your personal stuff and doesn't want the hassle of people coming in and removing our stuff and is afraid for something to get damaged because, "That stuff is irreplaceable and they don't make those plates anymore and I don't want my stuff broken. And can you imagine them coming in and removing that loveseat right out of our living room for the weekend?" The most uncomfortable love seat known to man? Not only can I imagine them removing it and hopefully never bringing it back, but I'm pretty sure I would have an orgasm if somebody paid good American dollars for the pain of actually sitting on it. Are you fucking kidding me?

So in the most unbelievable upset in the history of mankind,  I was on the verge of monetizing all some of the ridiculous crap that my wife has procured over the years only to be kicked in the nuts. 

This post should be turned into some kind of motivational poster for people who think their life sucks and can't get any worse.

[ABSR 5370]

3 hours ago, deadshank said:

Don’t be too put out over her lack of knowledge with weight conversions.   

She is more used to dealing with inches. 

And at least her natural inclination is to round up when reporting the numbers!

[BearCountry11 1234]

This happened last week - but requires a little backstory:

We recently came home with a newborn with CHDs (Congenital Heart Defects).  Spent the first couple of months of life in the Cardiac ICU and had heart surgery to repair the defects.  Needless to say, we have been watching him like a HAWK the past couple of weeks he has been home.  Pretty standard care at home but still scary not having monitors available to assure us his vitals are normal.  

Last week I had to go into the office for an important meeting - something that has been in the works for about 6 months now.  Absolutely could not miss it as I did not want anyone sitting in for me and risking a big payout for us.  I explained to my wife that I would be in this meeting from 11:00 AM to 5:00 PM.  She understands how big this is and that she should ONLY reach out to me if it was an emergency - no calls or texts otherwise.  Normally, I'd leave my phone at my desk but, given the kiddo's condition, I had it with me on silent.  

About 12:00 PM my phone lights up - a text from my wife.  "Trying to give him a bottle, not responding."  My heart literally stops when I see the words "not responding".  I take that as she is trying to feed him but he is not responding in any way.  I excused myself from this very important meeting and call my wife.  She doesn't answer.  Call her again, no answer.  Texted her about a dozen times and no response - not even a "read" receipt on the message.  Panicking, I call our neighbors - they both work from home.  One of them tells me she will go knock.  

5 min later my wife calls and has a pissed off tone to her voice:

Her:  What is your deal??  

Me:  WHAT IS GOING ON??  HE IS NOT RESPONDING??

Her:  I meant I am giving him a bottle and wont be able to respond to calls or texts during.  

 

So, despite there being an agreement to not call or text unless there was an emergency, my wife decided to let me know she, too, was busy when I still had 5 hours left in my meeting.  My stance is the wording of her text couldn't have been worse especially given the circumstances and she is sticking to the whole "you should have known what I meant".  Luckily, my colleagues/client understood the situation and it didn't cause any major disruption.  Even garnered a couple of laughs when I explained what my wife meant.  Still scared the ever loving shit out of me.  

[Mitch Cumsteen 18963]

45 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

This post should be turned into some kind of motivational poster for people who think their life sucks and can't get any worse.

 

[CycleTex87 3037]

I was traveling in Wyoming last week, weather there sucked.  Lows below zero, -18 was the lowest I saw on my rental car screen, never got above 10 deg, 8-10 inches of snow on the ground.  I spent a lot of time out in the weather due to the nature of the project.  Needless to say, when I got home to Houston, 56 deg felt pretty damn good.  My wife was complaining about the cold in Houston, of course my remarks about my recent experience were quite different.  This caused all manner of TONE.  "You discount what I say about the cold, its hurtful you don't care about my feelings and experience...etc"

WTF