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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8707

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Stormandy said:

Well the wife wants me to take her to the thrift store that only has Christmas stuff. Now we get to buy a bunch of other people Christmas junk. As she would say, "It was cheap and I thought it would like nice". I thought I had put a moratorium on bringing home decorator crap for the house. She is supposed to get rid of stuff before bringing more crap home. 

That doesn't work.  What does work?  For me, selectivity in getting Christmas decorations down from the attic.  Started with one of the boxes getting a red X, now there are probably 5.  

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davidg

davidg 4038

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8 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

5? My wife laughs at your number.

This.  My wife has a climate controlled storage for her Christmas and and other holiday storage totes.  It took two trips to get them Thursday night and I was smart enough to go out of town for the weekend while she put it all up.

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huge

huge 3795

Posted
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38 minutes ago, davidg said:

This.  My wife has a climate controlled storage for her Christmas and and other holiday storage totes.  It took two trips to get them Thursday night and I was smart enough to go out of town for the weekend while she put it all up.

pro move

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52531

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

That doesn't work.  What does work?  For me, selectivity in getting Christmas decorations down from the attic.  Started with one of the boxes getting a red X, now there are probably 5.  

The flaw in your plan is when you only bring some of the shit out, she believes she does not have enough shit and proceeds to buy more shit. 
And so the unused pile grows each year. 
 

unless this is a long con to build up a massive Xmas decoration surplus, then one season bring it all out and watch her confusion as she tries to fit it all around the house.  If that’s the case then I salute you. 

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

Posted
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11 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:


If you never bring the boxes down and your wife never goes up into the attic how will she know when those boxes mysteriously disappear?

 

Nice try. "What happened to A,B,C,D.......................................................................................X,Y,Z?" 

"Well it looks like I need to go buy 47 replacements........."

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Js1

Js1 85445

Posted
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21 hours ago, davidg said:

This.  My wife has a climate controlled storage for her Christmas and and other holiday storage totes.  It took two trips to get them Thursday night and I was smart enough to go out of town for the weekend while she put it all up.

(step)dad? 

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G650

G650 14270

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Posted
16 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

The flaw in your plan is when you only bring some of the shit out, she believes she does not have enough shit and proceeds to buy more shit. 
And so the unused pile grows each year. 
 

unless this is a long con to build up a massive Xmas decoration surplus, then one season bring it all out and watch her confusion as she tries to fit it all around the house.  If that’s the case then I salute you. 

I actually managed to cause that this year.

G: Which boxes should I bring down for today?

Mrs G: All of them

G: There's not room for them all, tell me which things you want to put out today.

Mrs G: Just get them all!

G: <stacks every box in living room>

Mrs G: OMG I can't get to anything or even walk in here!

G: No shit, that's what I told you.

 

So I toted some boxes back up to attic. Extra labor? Yes. But worth it to watch the reaction.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15349

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36 minutes ago, G650 said:

I actually managed to cause that this year.

G: Which boxes should I bring down for today?

Mrs G: All of them

G: There's not room for them all, tell me which things you want to put out today.

Mrs G: Just get them all!

G: <stacks every box in living room>

Mrs G: OMG I can't get to anything or even walk in here!

G: No shit, that's what I told you.

 

So I toted some boxes back up to attic. Extra labor? Yes. But worth it to watch the reaction.

Until she puts all that shit up, and then finds space for the other shit to come back down and get put up as well  

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18840

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51 minutes ago, G650 said:

I actually managed to cause that this year.

G: Which boxes should I bring down for today?

Mrs G: All of them

G: There's not room for them all, tell me which things you want to put out today.

Mrs G: Just get them all!

G: <stacks every box in living room>

Mrs G: OMG I can't get to anything or even walk in here!

G: No shit, that's what I told you.

 

So I toted some boxes back up to attic. Extra labor? Yes. But worth it to watch the reaction.

clearly you need to buy her a bigger house you cheap bastard...you are suppressing her creativity 

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G650

G650 14270

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Posted
50 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Until she puts all that shit up, and then finds space for the other shit to come back down and get put up as well  

Believe it or not she swore she is getting rid of some shit now. I'm cautiously optimistic 2 boxes may leave. 1 box of wine glasses went out today, so if we can get one more box gone I will declare a minor victory.

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

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Posted
32 minutes ago, SquishMitten said:

This seems appropriate. Wife was preparing dinner last night, making a pizza with this stuff because she’s decided to be gluten free:

dd19a7edee817334a47f912bbcffd51a.jpg

 

Wanna guess what she liberally applied to keep it from sticking to everything while she was rolling it out?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4e126aebf547d4db1a5ccb8faabf72af.jpg

 

hall of fame post.

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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Posted

Have some rep since that's the kind of ass-backwards GF my in-laws try to pull.  

If whatever you roll your pizza crust in doesn't count as going into your body, Imma roll mine in whiskey and blow.  

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15349

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, SquishMitten said:

This seems appropriate. Wife was preparing dinner last night, making a pizza with this stuff because she’s decided to be gluten free:

dd19a7edee817334a47f912bbcffd51a.jpg

 

Wanna guess what she liberally applied to keep it from sticking to everything while she was rolling it out?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4e126aebf547d4db1a5ccb8faabf72af.jpg

 

spacer.png

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

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Posted

on a similar note, we are invited to my wife's brother's house for my birthday. they know the wife and i eat low carb/keto, but i sure as hell wouldn't push that on somebody kind enough to invite us over. 

 

this time her spaz of a brother says "oh, and my is making you a keto banana bread.  yeah man! it's keto. you'll be able to eat it."

 

I asked my wife to tell them not to do it but thank you very much for the kind offer.

 

Nope, made it anyway.

 

i know they are class A idiots, so i'm suspect of the bread. But, i'm sort of forced now (because they made the fucker for me) to eat a few bites of this cake. of course it's sickeningly sweet.

 

me: "wow, this is sweet. this is keto?"

her: "yeah"

me: "what did you use to give it the banana flavor?"

her: "bananas."

me: "what did you use as a sweetener?"

her: "honey."

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18840

Posted
Posted
56 minutes ago, AM Wood said:

on a similar note, we are invited to my wife's brother's house for my birthday. they know the wife and i eat low carb/keto, but i sure as hell wouldn't push that on somebody kind enough to invite us over. 

 

this time her spaz of a brother says "oh, and my is making you a keto banana bread.  yeah man! it's keto. you'll be able to eat it."

 

I asked my wife to tell them not to do it but thank you very much for the kind offer.

 

Nope, made it anyway.

 

i know they are class A idiots, so i'm suspect of the bread. But, i'm sort of forced now (because they made the fucker for me) to eat a few bites of this cake. of course it's sickeningly sweet.

 

me: "wow, this is sweet. this is keto?"

her: "yeah"

me: "what did you use to give it the banana flavor?"

her: "bananas."

me: "what did you use as a sweetener?"

her: "honey."

spacer.png

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

This seems appropriate. Wife was preparing dinner last night, making a pizza with this stuff because she’s decided to be gluten free:

dd19a7edee817334a47f912bbcffd51a.jpg

 

Wanna guess what she liberally applied to keep it from sticking to everything while she was rolling it out?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4e126aebf547d4db1a5ccb8faabf72af.jpg

 

 

This, this shit right here is why I love this fucking place so much. 

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Walden Ponderer

Walden Ponderer 12639

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Posted

So... this guy: a38335a2d9bb065821ade7c337d49a9c8da00a2b

...is not the same as this guy: MV5BMTcwNTQwMDcwMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNjY2

 

For my daughter's 21st birthday, wife took daughter to the movies to drink frou-frou drinks and enjoy "Knives Out" which is by all accounts about a family much better adjusted than our extended families, by a long shot.

Anyway, daughter is astounded when wife looks at Chris Evans and says, "I think this is the best Sam Rockwell has done since the Hitchhiker's Guide."

Daughter texts me about it.

Her: "Mama thinks Chris Evans is Sam Rockwell! Captain America as Zaphod Beeblebrox?!?"
Me:  "Well, the 3rd arm would certainly be useful for fighting Nazis."
Her:  "Well, as far as I'm concerned, that's the galaxy's ass."

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nnm

nnm 36474

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On 11/26/2019 at 10:50 AM, nnm said:

Mrs. NNM decided a pre-Thanksgiving cleaning of the oven was in order.  So she used the self-cleaning function, which basically just superheats the oven for 5 hours, incinerating anything in it.

Well, she forgot that she had a silicone oven liner on the bottom of the top oven.  Basically, a little shelf on the bottom to catch drips, crumbs, etc.  When you superheat a silicone oven liner, you incinerate it, and the particles get plastered all over the sides, top, bottom, and door of the oven, and get sucked into the convection and fan system.  Making the oven unusable forevermore.  And because it's a dual oven setup, both are now trash.

And these are not old ovens.  We built the house 3 years ago.  And upgraded the appliances.  

So now we're looking at about 5k to replace perfectly good, upgraded ovens.  A day before Thanksgiving.

Update. New ovens delivered and installed, 9 days after the self-cleaning self-destruction.spacer.png Same as the old ovens. Successfully cooked a birthday cake. A $5,000 birthday cake. But you can’t put a price on happiness. 

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52531

Posted
Posted
38 minutes ago, nnm said:

Update. New ovens delivered and installed, 9 days after the self-cleaning self-destruction.spacer.png Same as the old ovens. Successfully cooked a birthday cake. A $5,000 birthday cake. But you can’t put a price on happiness. 

So how long before the next appliance gets murdered?

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, nnm said:

Update. New ovens delivered and installed, 9 days after the self-cleaning self-destruction.spacer.png Same as the old ovens. Successfully cooked a birthday cake. A $5,000 birthday cake. But you can’t put a price on happiness. 

Don't forget to install the silicone drip tray

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Texaus

Texaus 377

Posted
Posted
Update. New ovens delivered and installed, 9 days after the self-cleaning self-destruction.DA71590-B-5-A22-4875-A445-30-BFD48972-A8.jpg Same as the old ovens. Successfully cooked a birthday cake. A $5,000 birthday cake. But you can’t put a price on happiness. 

On the plus side, this is the kind of mistake that earns you buttsex, or at the very least, a very messy bj.
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