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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
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luke duke

luke duke 6413

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21 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Should have gone with an au pair instead.

Somehow my friend convinced his wife to hire a smoking hot au pair. He's not the type to fool around on his wife, but the au pair is dating one of his 40 yr old friends so he gets to hear all about it and go to bed with blue balls every night.

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

Posted
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2 hours ago, luke duke said:

Somehow my friend convinced his wife to hire a smoking hot au pair. He's not the type to fool around on his wife, but the au pair is dating one of his 40 yr old friends so he gets to hear all about it and go to bed with blue balls every night.

I need better friends. 

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TKthunder2

TKthunder2 4992

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13 hours ago, luke duke said:

Somehow my friend convinced his wife to hire a smoking hot au pair. He's not the type to fool around on his wife, but the au pair is dating one of his 40 yr old friends so he gets to hear all about it and go to bed with blue balls every night.

Recently was at a funeral and was talking to a distant cousin about how we’re having child #2 soon and he started telling us about au pairs and how it was a life savor for his wife and that it’s only $200/week plus room/board which is cheaper than daycare for two kids.  We didn’t get more than 3 feet away from him when my wife shot down the idea and said “in your dreams.”

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CycleTex87

CycleTex87 2977

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18 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Might wife caught the kitchen on fire while toasting a frozen waffle.

We’re going to need some more details on this. Like a safety moment.  We toast frozen waffles every day at my house so need to know what to look out for.  Hidden dangers and such. 

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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Wife: "Bad weather is coming in! We need to prepare."

Me: Makes sure everything's charged, gets gas for the chainsaw/generator, makes sure there are batteries for flashlights, ties down everything outside that could blow away

Wife: Posts memes to facebook and texts all her friends about how worried she is

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11678

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1 hour ago, CycleTex87 said:

We’re going to need some more details on this. Like a safety moment.  We toast frozen waffles every day at my house so need to know what to look out for.  Hidden dangers and such. 

my money is on putting a towel over the toaster to "block the smell" of the frozen waffles,  or some such nonsense.

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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Wife: "Bad weather is coming in! We need to prepare."
Me: Makes sure everything's charged, gets gas for the chainsaw/generator, makes sure there are batteries for flashlights, ties down everything outside that could blow away
Wife: Posts memes to facebook and texts all her friends about how worried she is
You actually do all of that?
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CycleTex87

CycleTex87 2977

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1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Wife: "Bad weather is coming in! We need to prepare."

Me: Makes sure everything's charged, gets gas for the chainsaw/generator, makes sure there are batteries for flashlights, ties down everything outside that could blow away

Wife: Posts memes to facebook and texts all her friends about how worried she is

Preppers/Load up some clips/preppers 

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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1 hour ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:
1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:
Wife: "Bad weather is coming in! We need to prepare."
Me: Makes sure everything's charged, gets gas for the chainsaw/generator, makes sure there are batteries for flashlights, ties down everything outside that could blow away
Wife: Posts memes to facebook and texts all her friends about how worried she is

You actually do all of that?

Yup. Why don't you?

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CycleTex87

CycleTex87 2977

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Off topic CSB: I happened to be in Midland when the Hurricane Rita evacuation panic started in Houston.  I stopped at Home Depot on the way to the airport and picked up a chainsaw and some other stuff. Now the airlines won’t let you bring fingernail clippers on the plane but a chainsaw - no problem. /CSB

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4448

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6 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

We’re going to need some more details on this. Like a safety moment.  We toast frozen waffles every day at my house so need to know what to look out for.  Hidden dangers and such. 

Its an oven, not like the ones that spring the bread out when it's done. She thought it was too hot so she used a bunch of paper towels, which touched the heating element.......

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txhorns

txhorns 2409

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2 hours ago, 52-80 said:

we bought a new wall clock.  it only has 2 hands - hour and minutes.  i let her set the time and put it on the wall.

 

"honey, this clock is broken.  it doesnt work"

"what do you mean?"

"the hands arent moving"

My wife bought a non working clock a couple of years ago because it was the last one the store had.  It's hanging in my living room.

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ABSR

ABSR 5319

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2 minutes ago, txhorns said:

My wife bought a non working clock a couple of years ago because it was the last one the store had.  It's hanging in my living room.

I hope if you are ever in the room with your wife and she asks what time it is, you tell her the time on the wall clock.

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txhorns

txhorns 2409

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1 minute ago, ABSR said:

I hope if you are ever in the room with your wife and she asks what time it is, you tell her the time on the wall clock.

I did do this for over a year until she realized what I was doing and stopped asking me.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5214

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13 hours ago, EvilCaseMcCoy said:

Apparently I drink water too loud and am an asshole because I should swallow quieter. 

I read on reddit that I should tilt my head back to reduce noise.  This has now been suggested as the default method for my water consumption. 

This reminded me of the ex-cunt.  She decided I was the problem so she bought "Men are from Mars: Wives are cunts" or something like that and told me I needed to read it.

Me:

giphy.gif

Two weeks later, book is sitting exactly where she left it for me.  She takes it for a few days then comes back

Her:  I reread the book and took a yellow highlighter to the parts I thought you should read

Me:

giphy.gif

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T’Boo Ted Marshall

T’Boo Ted Marshall 2736

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My wife bought a non working clock a couple of years ago because it was the last one the store had.  It's hanging in my living room.

I have at least 2 of these in our living room. The reason they don’t work is because they need batteries. Same as they have needed for the last 5 years but that is asking too much.
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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17568

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On 1/13/2020 at 10:22 AM, EvilCaseMcCoy said:

Apparently I drink water too loud and am an asshole because I should swallow quieter. 

I read on reddit that I should tilt my head back to reduce noise.  This has now been suggested as the default method for my water consumption. 

The dude who sits at the next desk at work has the loudest swallow noise I have ever heard in my life.  No joke.  If the office is quiet enough, I have seen a guy 25 feet away turn his head and try to figure out what he just heard.  I'd really like to punch the dude in the throat.

/csb

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

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12 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

The dude who sits at the next desk at work has the loudest swallow noise I have ever heard in my life.  No joke.  If the office is quiet enough, I have seen a guy 25 feet away turn his head and try to figure out what he just heard.  I'd really like to punch the dude in the throat.

/csb

That would just make the swallowing louder.

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Upgrayedd

Upgrayedd 5815

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Flew back to Phoenix last night from a quick ski trip.  As we normally do, she waits for the bags/skis in baggage claim, and I go get the car from the economy parking lot and park it in the short term parking above the terminal to load the gear.  

There are two banks of elevators that serve the garage/terminal (east and west).  To make things easier, I call her to see which carousel the bags came out so I can park closest to the elevator that is closest to the carousel (especially since the game just kicked off).

Directionally Challenged: "Got the skis.  They came out on carousel 6."

Me: "Is that closer to the east or west elevators?"

DC: "I don't know. You know I am bad with directions."

M:  "Is that closer to the D or C gates?"

DC:  "I have no idea."

M:  "The signage over the exit doors out to the pickup tells you if it's the north or south curb.  Use that."

DC:  "The south curb is on my left."

M:  "Sigh."

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immortal13

immortal13 4059

Posted
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On 1/13/2020 at 10:22 AM, EvilCaseMcCoy said:

Apparently I drink water too loud and am an asshole because I should swallow quieter. 

I read on reddit that I should tilt my head back to reduce noise.  This has now been suggested as the default method for my water consumption. 

Well you're an asshole anyway, so....

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tbone_

tbone_ 14132

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Flew back to Phoenix last night from a quick ski trip.  As we normally do, she waits for the bags/skis in baggage claim, and I go get the car from the economy parking lot and park it in the short term parking above the terminal to load the gear.  
There are two banks of elevators that serve the garage/terminal (east and west).  To make things easier, I call her to see which carousel the bags came out so I can park closest to the elevator that is closest to the carousel (especially since the game just kicked off).
Directionally Challenged: "Got the skis.  They came out on carousel 6."
Me: "Is that closer to the east or west elevators?"
DC: "I don't know. You know I am bad with directions."
M:  "Is that closer to the D or C gates?"
DC:  "I have no idea."
M:  "The signage over the exit doors out to the pickup tells you if it's the north or south curb.  Use that."
DC:  "The south curb is on my left."
M:  "Sigh."

There isn’t a female in Phoenix that could answer those questions.
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