Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

On 12/21/2020 at 7:53 AM, Armybrat said:

Is she a Red Man fan?

That's was my selection back in HS when I rodeo'd... in those days, a 14 year old kid could buy it @ any C-store, no questions.

[956 Worldwide 34,282]

16 hours ago, Superhero said:

Wife to kids: Will you guys clean up the playroom? There are toys all over the place.

Wife at a Christmas. Buys more toys for the kids. 

Tried to implement a one toy in, one toy out policy (donate or throw away) a while back, failed miserably. Never select a battle you cannot win.

Edited December 26, 2020 by 956 Worldwide

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

On 12/21/2020 at 11:41 PM, Pato del Muerto said:

It's not about the hammer?

[Superhero 8,723]

22 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Tried to implement a one toy in, one toy out policy (donate or throw away) a while back, failed miserably. Never select a battle you cannot win.

Yeah, I make the kids donate / throw away stuff every 1-2 months. We actually got rid of 2 trash bags of old toys - 1 to donate, 1 to toss.

I just think it’s a shame that she buys toys, and we then turn around and donate / give it friends’ kids a year later. It’s clutter and a waste of money. I’d rather just get them LEGOs. They will play for hours and don’t get sick or them. 

[msucolt45 3,981]

ROFL BOX,
Back in my HS days (80s) we’d switch between Red Man and Levi Garrett. They came out with a LG “plug” around mid-80s and that was the go-to on the golf course!

The days of metal spikes, persimmon woods, balata balls, and a chaw in your cheek! The days of HS golf growing up in SE Texas! When it was cooler temps, Wrangler jeans were allowed at my home golf course.

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

18 minutes ago, msucolt45 said:

ROFL BOX,
Back in my HS days (80s) we’d switch between Red Man and Levi Garrett.

I graduated HS in '85.  Red Man?  I simply thought that's what you did.  I had rodeo family in Louisiana & I was trying to pick up on that connection.

[Sandman 3,401]

I was watching an episode of Nova about Jupiter and there was footage of the Pioneer and Voyager launches. My wife was casually watching and asked "Were those manned missions?". When I just quietly said no, she said "Well, I mean, we didn't land there, right? I mean, were there people on the ships or whatever?". Another quiet "No" from me and that was that. It was hard to keep from laughing out loud but I was strong. 

[tbone_ 14,020]

Idk. Seems unrealistic to expect 99.9% of females to know those details. I’d say props to her for at least being interested in your Nova nerdfest.

[bad_teammate 13,125]

Young granddaughter (11) was overheard during Christmas swearing and talking sex and my wife kind of confronted our son-in-law about not "protecting" her from the Internet. She's not wrong, I think my daughter and her husband are too hands-off when it comes to their kids' use of the Internet, but Jesus Christ. Who was ever a parent whose style made everyone perfectly happy? It's life, it's ugly and difficult and raising kids is a nightmare.

I walked in as the extremely awkward confrontation was wrapping up and just kind of escorted her away because she was not understanding at all that she was completely in the wrong.

Daughter is very unhappy with us, which she should be. Not going to throw wife under the bus (a lifelong policy, we are a team especially when we fuck up) so I'm going to need to coach her into understanding how she crossed a line and how to smooth shit over.

Fucking wives, man.

I absolutely owe the son-in-law good bourbon after this is settled.

[AUS-97HORN 11,652]

interesting... I just assumed you were a raging asshole at all times because you are a total cocksucker on this board, and live to troll everyone taking the most assinine take on an issue.  But I'll be damned if that post didnt imply that you are at least partially human. 

[cactusflinthead 27,593]

Nah, he's still an asshole but, he's not always wrong.

[Kennythetiger 9,331]

11 hours ago, bad_teammate said:

Young granddaughter (11) was overheard during Christmas swearing and talking sex and my wife kind of confronted our son-in-law about not "protecting" her from the Internet. She's not wrong, I think my daughter and her husband are too hands-off when it comes to their kids' use of the Internet, but Jesus Christ. Who was ever a parent whose style made everyone perfectly happy? It's life, it's ugly and difficult and raising kids is a nightmare.

I walked in as the extremely awkward confrontation was wrapping up and just kind of escorted her away because she was not understanding at all that she was completely in the wrong.

Daughter is very unhappy with us, which she should be. Not going to throw wife under the bus (a lifelong policy, we are a team especially when we fuck up) so I'm going to need to coach her into understanding how she crossed a line and how to smooth shit over.

Fucking wives, man.

I absolutely owe the son-in-law good bourbon after this is settled.

Son in law is banging your daughter like a screen door in a hurricane. He’ll be fine. Save your bourbon for yourself. 

[bad_teammate 13,125]

12 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

Nah, he's still an asshole but, he's rarely wrong.

Fixed.

Quote

Son in law is banging your daughter like a screen door in a hurricane. He’ll be fine. Save your bourbon for yourself. 

 

I mean hopefully she did to make up for my wife's inappropriate intrusion; would be her way of helping out the side.

Edited December 27, 2020 by bad_teammate

[Anastasis 23,353]

17 hours ago, bad_teammate said:

Not going to throw wife under the bus (a lifelong policy, we are a team

user name does not check out. 

[bad_teammate 13,125]

8 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

user name does not check out. 

Me when I post something and people I don't recognize talk about how horrible I am.

 

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

On 12/8/2020 at 9:08 PM, Kennythetiger said:

I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. 

My ex is from England, so she has that as an excuse for how she thought the words were "rollin' down the street, smokin' and/or sippin' on gin & juice." With the "and/or" heavily emphasized.

I guess it's strictly true, as Mr Dogg by no means felt compelled himself to stick to just one of those activities at any given time. Sometimes he would be smokin', other times sippin', and then you had the third way -- both.  

[Nivek 16,796]

So our car was stolen this week. My wife was convinced the thieves moved one car about 3 feet and stole the other. She drove both cars. When I asked her where the keys were she produced both sets from one car.

[Nivek 16,796]

Our white car was stolen the other night, from our driveway. Since my wife drove both cars last, I asked her where the keys were. She found both sets of keys to one car in her purse. Not so much for the black car.

The car stolen was parked in front of the other car. She was convinced they must have moved the black car, and then parked it back into our driveway but leaving a large gap. She was looking at photos our kid took after the theft to the current arrangement.

Fortunately my son (9)left me with this;


Yes, I said my son. He looks more like her, but that humor was all me.

[956 Worldwide 34,282]

Watching a TV show yesterday, a character had his larynx removed. Wife says “I just don’t understand how he can live without being able to talk.”

Never bit my tongue so hard........

[Sam Lin 3,540]

Not that it helps make any sense, but modern thieves rarely need a car's key to steal it.

[956 Worldwide 34,282]

At a traffic light today near a restaurant our family likes:

W: Hey, didn’t your dad say that place was closed? 
M: He said they were going to close tomorrow for a while to remodel after the holiday season.

W: But look, people are eating there right now!!!

 

[Frank The Tank 1,492]

[utee94 15,742]

On 12/24/2020 at 4:54 PM, blacklab said:

Wife: What color should I paint the fence boards?

Me: Get some stain that matches the current fence.

  Reveal hidden contents

Whitewash?  Is your wife Tom Sawyer?

[Trey3216 15,325]

On 12/25/2020 at 7:53 PM, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

I have previously posted the question of is 'decluttering' a circular cycle? Has decluttering ever happened without adding clutter elsewhere and the non participatory spouse blamed for the clutter at the newly cluttered location?  What percentage of 'decluttered' items end up back in at their origin point within a year?

So once a month??

[Trey3216 15,325]

On 12/26/2020 at 1:45 PM, 956 Worldwide said:

Tried to implement a one toy in, one toy out policy (donate or throw away) a while back, failed miserably. Never select a battle you cannot win.

Doesn’t compute with South Austin’s mom

Edited January 8, 2021 by Trey3216

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,780]

Divorce works wonders for decluttering

[956 Worldwide 34,282]

5 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Divorce works wonders for decluttering

135 pounds of junk just disappears. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

7 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Divorce works wonders for decluttering

Having your shit thrown on the lawn really helps you realize what things are important

[Incredulity 11,527]

3 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Having your shit thrown on the lawn really helps you realize what things are important

[956 Worldwide 34,282]

Thank God not my wife, but a wife at the zoo today, talking to her kid while we visited the herpetarium:

”Snakes don’t have bones. They have exoskeletons, their skin is like their bones. They have to shed it when it gets too rigid.”

Very, very hard not to go over and tell the kid not to listen to his mom, ever. 

[Reagan1k 3,006]

This weekend, my wife wanted to bake a few casseroles for some families who are sick.  Needed a lot of garlic and didn't want to chop it.

She sent me to the store with a list that included "Minced Garlic - Jar".

I got everything she needed and sat down to watch one of the games, and then this ensues;

Her - "Babe - I wanted the garlic in plastic squeeze bottle!"

Me - "You literally wrote the word JAR on the list".

Her - "Well, for future reference, if I say jar, I want the the plastic squeeze bottle."

 

[deter 313]

She sent me to the store......

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

FWIW, Garlic in a jar is a hate crime.

[ztejas 43,236]

43 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

This weekend, my wife wanted to bake a few casseroles for some families who are sick.  Needed a lot of garlic and didn't want to chop it.

She sent me to the store with a list that included "Minced Garlic - Jar".

I got everything she needed and sat down to watch one of the games, and then this ensues;

Her - "Babe - I wanted the garlic in plastic squeeze bottle!"

Me - "You literally wrote the word JAR on the list".

Her - "Well, for future reference, if I say jar, I want the the plastic squeeze bottle."

 

Yeah you fucking moron.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,780]

For future reference, if I say you look nice, I want a blow job.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

2 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

For future reference, if I say you look nice, I want a blow job.

[Reagan1k 3,006]

19 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

FWIW, Garlic in a jar is a hate crime.

Agreed, but it was her dish and I wasn't eating it.  Not my circus.......

[Incredulity 11,527]

36 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

Agreed, but it was her dish and I wasn't eating it.  Not my circus.......

You married it, so technically...

[General Specific 3,217]

FWIW, Garlic in a jar is a hate crime.

Then WTF is garlic from a squeeze tube?

[General Specific 3,217]

Agreed, but it was her dish and I wasn't eating it.  Not my circus.......

Did you not light the “Unity Candle” with you wife? From that moment on, it’s always your circus! Now, you may not be the main show in this circumstance...

It’s Surly, so you have a beard, DDs and can twirl plate with your “trunk”!

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

24 minutes ago, General Specific said:

Then WTF is garlic from a squeeze tube?

[Sam Lin 3,540]

46 minutes ago, General Specific said:

Then WTF is garlic from a squeeze tube?

A pretty good prank idea if label swapped for toothpaste?

[ztejas 43,236]

1 hour ago, Incredulity said:

You married it, so technically...

Maybe if he ate her dish more often there would be less garlic miscommunication in their marriage. 

[TrashMaster G 17,377]

52 minutes ago, General Specific said:

Then WTF is garlic from a squeeze tube?

A hate crime with aggravating circumstances?

[General Specific 3,217]

A hate crime with aggravating circumstances?

[WhatTheBuck 28,700]

7 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

For future reference, if I say you look nice, I want a blow job.

And that dress makes you look fat. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,780]

Divorce thread is that way  --------------------->

[PhillyD 1,257]

Her: This virus is spreading like Wildflower!

Me:  Like what?

Her:  Is that not right?

[Jerry Callo 8,658]

She'll be riding Wildflower . . .

[Kennythetiger 9,331]

You married Trixie’s sister?