Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[mininghorn88 2248]

My ex-wife has selective memory.  And, we all know what that means.  While we were still married, and when our son was still using a bottle for feeding, we had an incident.  She decides to boil the nipples for the bottles to sterilize them. There were about a dozen of them.  This is during the summer while she was off for summer break (she is a teacher).  So while she is boiling the nipples she goes outside to check the mail.  Other neighbors are outside so she begins to talk to the other ladies that are home.  She forgets all about the nipples on the stove.  Some time later she goes back into the house.  As she is opening the door smoke comes out along with a horrible odor.  She immediately calls 911.  The local volunteer fire department arrives of which we personally know some of them.  As they are jumping off of the truck they ask her what the problem is?  She tells them, "I burned my nipples!" (Sorry no pics).

Long story short, the oil from the burned nipples caused us to have to replace all of the carpet in the house, all of the fabric furniture including mattresses, some of the kid's stuffed toys and had to repaint the inside of the house.  To get the odor out they brought in some ozone machines to replenish the air.  Some how or another this caused some of the ceiling fans to quit working and caused condensation in some of the windows that were not sealed properly.  So replacement of some windows and ceiling fans were in order.

Thankfully the 2 kids were outside with her at the time.

[Modessit 5582]

Me: Hey, where's your W-2?

Her: It's in the bathroom.

Me: It's in the bathroom?

Her: Yeah.

Me: Why is it in the bathroom?

Her: It's for the pull up thing for the shower. (Sometimes sticks on the faucet.)

Me: Go get it.

(She goes and comes back.)

Me: So what's that?

Her: It's the W-2.

Me: What's it say on the bottle?

Her: (looks) WD-40.

Me: What did I ask for?

Her: The W-2....... OH! Duh!

[956 Worldwide 34215]

6 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

My ex-wife has selective memory.  And, we all know what that means.  While we were still married, and when our son was still using a bottle for feeding, we had an incident.  She decides to boil the nipples for the bottles to sterilize them. There were about a dozen of them.  This is during the summer while she was off for summer break (she is a teacher).  So while she is boiling the nipples she goes outside to check the mail.  Other neighbors are outside so she begins to talk to the other ladies that are home.  She forgets all about the nipples on the stove.  Some time later she goes back into the house.  As she is opening the door smoke comes out along with a horrible odor.  She immediately calls 911.  The local volunteer fire department arrives of which we personally know some of them.  As they are jumping off of the truck they ask her what the problem is?  She tells them, "I burned my nipples!" (Sorry no pics).

Long story short, the oil from the burned nipples caused us to have to replace all of the carpet in the house, all of the fabric furniture including mattresses, some of the kid's stuffed toys and had to repaint the inside of the house.  To get the odor out they brought in some ozone machines to replenish the air.  Some how or another this caused some of the ceiling fans to quit working and caused condensation in some of the windows that were not sealed properly.  So replacement of some windows and ceiling fans were in order.

Thankfully the 2 kids were outside with her at the time.

Ha, my mom did almost this exact thing when I was about three and my sibling had just been born. Came back from the neighbors, opened the door, smoke pours out. FD comes. Made a big impression on me. Don’t remember if she said that she burned her nipples.

In fairness, lots of time alone with an infant and three year old will make normal people lose their minds.

[EE2B 1561]

I can’t say shit on this one. I burned up a couple of Wubba Nubs trying to boil the nipples. Turns out the flame on the stove was a little high and the plastic/fiber could not take the length.

[wd40 1976]

12 hours ago, Modessit said:

Me: Hey, where's your W-2?

Her: It's in the bathroom.

Me: It's in the bathroom?

Her: Yeah.

Me: Why is it in the bathroom?

Her: It's for the pull up thing for the shower. (Sometimes sticks on the faucet.)

Me: Go get it.

(She goes and comes back.)

Me: So what's that?

Her: It's the W-2.

Me: What's it say on the bottle?

Her: (looks) WD-40.

Me: What did I ask for?

Her: The W-2....... OH! Duh!

I can attest, she's smokin hot.

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

29 minutes ago, wd40 said:

I can attest, she's smokin hot.

[txindep 142]

We live downtown ATX, have had power all week (same circuit as City Hall, so Austin Energy “can’t” shut it off). To reduce pwr consumption, save for others, I askd Mrs Txindep to turn off lights/tv’s, lower blinds & heat, run appliances only as necessary. She ran dishwasher & washer/dryer twice each ystrdy (note: kids are grown, only 2 of us here), I walked in last pm to find most lights & 2 tv’s on, but 2 electric toothbrushes in our master bath unplugged. I asked why she’d unplugged the toothbrushes, she said b/c of “ghost” draw.

[Scheiss Meister 8376]

1 hour ago, txindep said:

We live downtown ATX, have had power all week (same circuit as City Hall, so Austin Energy “can’t” shut it off). To reduce pwr consumption, save for others, I askd Mrs Txindep to turn off lights/tv’s, lower blinds & heat, run appliances only as necessary. She ran dishwasher & washer/dryer twice each ystrdy (note: kids are grown, only 2 of us here), I walked in last pm to find most lights & 2 tv’s on, but 2 electric toothbrushes in our master bath unplugged. I asked why she’d unplugged the toothbrushes, she said b/c of “ghost” draw.

All those lights on and appliances running should have scared off the ghost draw.

[txindep 142]

I asked her to tell me more, she explained that if it has a light on it, it’s drawing power even if not on. I tried not to laugh but failed, so now I’m the thoughtless one.

[Modessit 5582]

I asked her to tell me more, she explained that if it has a light on it, it’s drawing power even if not on. I tried not to laugh but failed, so now I’m the thoughtless one.

[Modessit 5582]

It's because there is a charging detection circuit that monitors battery use. The AC goes through a tiny transformer continuously and is drawing power. If battery power drops before 100%, the circuit (maybe just a diode) allows the AC to convert to DC to charge the battery. It's a very minimal draw compared to a TV or washing machine, though.

My wife unplugged a lamp that was already off "to save electricity" while leaving the laser printer next to it plugged in and in standby mode. I tried to explain a lamp used zero electricity when the switch is off. She tried to tell me there would be electricity "up to the switch". I tried to explain the concept of current flow and how it needed a connection from positive to negative in order to be in the cord but it didn't work.

[Kennythetiger 9313]

Did you expect it to?

[gyroprotagonist 2591]

1 hour ago, Modessit said:

It's because there is a charging detection circuit that monitors battery use. The AC goes through a tiny transformer continuously and is drawing power. If battery power drops before 100%, the circuit (maybe just a diode) allows the AC to convert to DC to charge the battery. It's a very minimal draw compared to a TV or washing machine, though.

My wife unplugged a lamp that was already off "to save electricity" while leaving the laser printer next to it plugged in and in standby mode. I tried to explain a lamp used zero electricity when the switch is off. She tried to tell me there would be electricity "up to the switch". I tried to explain the concept of current flow and how it needed a connection from positive to negative in order to be in the cord but it didn't work.

well, the city maintains the electrical supply with a positive pressure.  If it drops to  zero you have to boil your electricity first

[mulletpelini 5209]

Just a note to any newbies having kids, based on the response of "didn't want to run the laundry because kid was asleep".....do yourself a favor, when your kid is sleeping make as much noise as possible.  You're welcome.

[Modessit 5582]

Just a note to any newbies having kids, based on the response of "didn't want to run the laundry because kid was asleep".....do yourself a favor, when your kid is sleeping make as much noise as possible.  You're welcome.

The fire alarms went off in all bedrooms after wife cooked bacon and neither kid woke up.

[mulletpelini 5209]

You're doin right son.

[WhatTheBuck 28691]

12 minutes ago, Modessit said:

1 hour ago, mulletpelini said:

Just a note to any newbies having kids, based on the response of "didn't want to run the laundry because kid was asleep".....do yourself a favor, when your kid is sleeping make as much noise as possible.  You're welcome.

The fire alarms went off in all bedrooms after wife cooked bacon and neither kid woke up.

Did they catch COVID and lose their sense of smell?

[gyroprotagonist 2591]

11 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Did they catch COVID and lose their sense of smell?

lol, my youngest will float downstairs like this when i cook bacon.

[Knoxtnhorn 5911]

On a related note, my wife and I get along really well most of the time.  One reason is because she's good with little things that stress people like me out - traffic, buying Christmas presents, shopping, etc.  I, on the other hand, easily handle big things like tragedies, Covid, Snowmaggedon, tornado warnings, etc.

So you can imagine how fun this week has been.  A frozen pipe just turned into a, "If you'd communicate better" argument.  We both tried different things.  Neither worked.  Big deal.

[PhillyD 1257]

Wife to son:  How did you do in Biology today?

Son: I think I did alright.

Wife: I know, it's the vein of your existence.

Me:  The what of his existence??

Wife: Vein! Is that not right?

I was laughing too hard to respond further.

[ztejas 43007]

He wasn't the greatest passer, but Vince Young always had ice water in his banes.

[TrashMaster G 17323]

2 hours ago, PhillyD said:

Wife to son:  How did you do in Biology today?

Son: I think I did alright.

Wife: I know, it's the vein of your existence.

Me:  The what of his existence??

Wife: Vein! Is that not right?

I was laughing too hard to respond further.

I'm trying to decide if it's more or less hilarious that it was unintentional.  Because it's a damn good pun.

Edited February 18, 2021 by TrashMaster G

[nnm 35841]

I'm with @TrashMaster G.  She should've run with it.  It's an awesome biology pun.

[Kennythetiger 9313]

Maybe the joke’s on us. 

[TKthunder2 4969]

Around December the wife bought two new (and cheaper) thermometers (despite the above). One for the normal under the tongue usage, and the other for rectal usage on the baby. I ask her to make sure and label them clearly since they were identical.

Fast forward to today, had a telemedicine appointment for the baby and needed her temperature and I find both of them in the draw, neither labeled. Just shook my head and told her how she screwed up.

Hours later she comes in and tells me that she did label them and hands me this...

[immortal13 4059]

[FizzleFish 137]

6 minutes ago, immortal13 said:

Did she free it?

[Sam Lin 3539]

5 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Maybe the joke’s on us. 

The joke is always on us.

[ABSR 5281]

17 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

The joke is always on us.

So he joke is on the other foot...but it's still our foot.

[TrashMaster G 17323]

5 hours ago, ABSR said:

So he joke is on the other foot...but it's still our foot.

He joke?  Even jokes have pronouns now?

[SquishMitten 10380]

Ze joke.

In that context, you just sound German rather than douchey

[Trey3216 15319]

6 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Ze joke.

In that context, you just sound German rather than douchey

My dispatcher said somezing’s wrong with deine kabel 

[Storm the Field 5266]

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.

There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 

There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

[956 Worldwide 34215]

4 minutes ago, Storm the Field said:

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.

There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 

There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

Narrator: Storm the Field continued to move the schefflera for another decade.

[tbone_ 14016]

Lol. Yep. Either get divorced or move that plant broseph.

[Js1 84938]

28 minutes ago, Storm the Field said:

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.

There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 

There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

[OrangEngr 1034]

2 hours ago, Storm the Field said:

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.

There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 

There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

You must be my father in law

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2720]

Hate it too. Luckily they all died in the freeze last week.

[davidg 4019]

On 2/18/2021 at 7:57 PM, TKthunder2 said:

Around December the wife bought two new (and cheaper) thermometers (despite the above). One for the normal under the tongue usage, and the other for rectal usage on the baby. I ask her to make sure and label them clearly since they were identical.

Fast forward to today, had a telemedicine appointment for the baby and needed her temperature and I find both of them in the draw, neither labeled. Just shook my head and told her how she screwed up.

Hours later she comes in and tells me that she did label them and hands me this...

 

 

[Modessit 5582]

Not sure this is the appropriate thread, but I feel it's highly correlated with having a wife.
There are few tasks on this planet I loathe more than when I get asked to move a bunch of heavy-ass potted plants into the garage the few times a year when extreme weather approaches, and then having to haul them back out a day or two later. 
There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

You put a round wheeled floor dolly under it and keep it there. When it needs to be moved, you roll it. Or she does.

[SHOOTER12 8775]

On 2/13/2021 at 1:05 PM, BearCountry11 said:

My wife decided it was time to wash the fabric liner of our son’s high chair.  It was making a ton of noise in the dryer - kiddo was sleeping - so I pulled it out to air dry instead.

Fast forward an hour and a half - kiddo wakes up and it’s time to feed him lunch.  The high chair liner is nowhere to be found. I ask my wife......she had put it outside to dry quicker.  
 

....it’s 25 degrees.  

That's got to be one helluva hot woman you've got.

[J.R. Juniors Junior Jr. 1084]

Good chance she's married, since she's driving a Mercedes:

 

[tbone_ 14016]

That’s looks staged

[TrashMaster G 17323]

2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

That’s looks staged

Yes, it's does.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21779]

Whose does?

[nnm 35841]

6 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Whose does?

[MNLonghornFUKM 8791]

Going to Disneyworld in a few weeks. Wife suddenly wants to watch Star Wars in chronological order for the first time in the 11 years I’ve known her. I’m not a SW nerd by any means, but I’ve went to a SW movie here and there and it’s fine.

I bet you can guess how far she got into the phantom menace(I know we’re not supposed to watch it so spare me) before she was on her phone.

[SuperSport 1328]

It had been at least 24hrs since Amazon delivered something to our house, so the wife decided to buy me a spare battery organizer...didn’t need it, but whatever, it’s the thought that counts I guess. Anyway, it comes with a little voltage tester...

“Hey babe, can you check those AAAs on the counter? Pretty sure they’re dead.”

 

[Post Oak 20174]

17 minutes ago, SuperSport said:

It had been at least 24hrs since Amazon delivered something to our house, so the wife decided to buy me a spare battery organizer...didn’t need it, but whatever, it’s the thought that counts I guess. Anyway, it comes with a little voltage tester...

“Hey babe, can you check those AAAs on the counter? Pretty sure they’re dead.”

 

Bless her heart.

 

Btw I fucking love my battery organizer and tester.  I'm a dork

[MNLonghornFUKM 8791]

My battery tester is going strong