Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Nivek 16,923]

On 2/25/2021 at 10:32 AM, J.R. Juniors Junior Jr. said:

Good chance she's married, since she's driving a Mercedes:

 

Of course she is married.  Notice how she couldn't admit she was wrong?

[Atxracer 797]

Driving down 620 for the first time in awhile:

Me: I feel like this light is relatively new, I don't remember it here last time I was on this part of the road.

Her:  No, it's been here awhile. 

Her:  People have been having wrecks here all the time since they aren't used to the light being here.

Me:  So, it's relatively new?

Her:  Yes

Me: Crickets because you realize after 21 years of marriage, some things just aren't worth it.  

[NAVY 6,740]

When buying my wife a car she was adamant about having a sunroof that fully opens. Well it turns out, the only way she is ever going to open that fucker is if it starts raining Chardonnay. 

Too hot, too cold, too bright, too dark... There are precisely zero meteorological combinations that are correct for this very important feature. 

 

[NorthLoop 14,190]

Boy's 2nd birthday today. Wife takes a ton of pics on her phone and sends them to me. Tells me to post on Facebook. I post. 

"Why are there never pics of me and him?"

[Colonel Sanders 1,336]

My wife:  I just texted you a website that looks kind of suspicious, but they have really good deals on car seats.  They are cheaper than I've ever seen them before, by a lot.

Me:  Googles qdwcz.com.   Yeah it looks like this is a scam, don't buy anything from them.

My Wife:  Oh, it's too late, I already bought two.

[NorthLoop 14,190]

14 minutes ago, Colonel Sanders said:

My wife:  I just texted you a website that looks kind of suspicious, but they have really good deals on car seats.  They are cheaper than I've ever seen them before, by a lot.

Me:  Googles qdwcz.com.   Yeah it looks like this is a scam, don't buy anything from them.

My Wife:  Oh, it's too late, I already bought two.

The good news is you probably got some underage scat pics in that deal. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

My wife:  I just texted you a website that looks kind of suspicious, but they have really good deals on car seats.  They are cheaper than I've ever seen them before, by a lot.
Me:  Googles qdwcz.com.   Yeah it looks like this is a scam, don't buy anything from them.
My Wife:  Oh, it's too late, I already bought two.

Look who’s waiting 7-10 days for a new credit card...

[OrangEngr 1,035]

1 hour ago, Colonel Sanders said:

My wife:  I just texted you a website that looks kind of suspicious, but they have really good deals on car seats.  They are cheaper than I've ever seen them before, by a lot.

Me:  Googles qdwcz.com.   Yeah it looks like this is a scam, don't buy anything from them.

My Wife:  Oh, it's too late, I already bought two.

Because if there’s any place you want to maximize your savings, it’s car seats.

[Colonel Sanders 1,336]

19 minutes ago, OrangEngr said:

Because if there’s any place you want to maximize your savings, it’s car seats.

Wives amirite?

[WhatTheBuck 28,776]

On 2/27/2021 at 3:50 PM, Nivek said:

Of course she is married.  Notice how she couldn't admit she was wrong?

My parents divorced in 1973 and the next time I hear my mom admit she was wrong will be the first. This is an actual quote: “I may have made mistakes but I was never wrong at the time.”

I don’t support my dad dumping her but I sort of understand. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

Page 272 is STRONG

[Nivek 16,923]

On 2/27/2021 at 12:02 PM, Post Oak said:

Bless her heart.

 

Btw I fucking love my battery organizer and tester.  I'm a dork

I just drop them.  If the bounce/flip they are depleted.  If they have a dampened response they are good.

[Nuge 1,966]

15 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Boy's 2nd birthday today. Wife takes a ton of pics on her phone and sends them to me. Tells me to post on Facebook. I post. 

"Why are there never pics of me and him?"

Avatar checks out

[Kennythetiger 9,377]

15 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Boy's 2nd birthday today. Wife takes a ton of pics on her phone and sends them to me. Tells me to post on Facebook. I post. 

"Why are there never pics of me and him?"

Tell her “It’s him and me.”  

[ABSR 5,309]

15 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Boy's 2nd birthday today. Wife takes a ton of pics on her phone and sends them to me. Tells me to post on Facebook. I post. 

"Why are there never pics of me and him?"

Did she tell you that she did send some of him with his father?

[SHOOTER12 8,800]

3 hours ago, Nivek said:

I just drop them.  If the bounce/flip they are depleted.  If they have a dampened response they are good.

Well, that's a new one for me.

[SquishMitten 10,403]

Thought that was a myth

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

On 2/28/2021 at 9:22 PM, Colonel Sanders said:

My wife:  I just texted you a website that looks kind of suspicious,

Me:  Googles website.   Yeah, it looks like this is 100% phishing & virus laden, don't click there.

My Wife:  Oh, it's too late, I already looked all over it to see what they were selling.  That's how I got the website address to email over to you.

I was looking for a different kind of punchline..

[markstanco 12,574]

Tell her “It’s him and me.”  

I was surprised when I scanned up to see who posted this and it wasn't trashmaster

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Mrs. Rox calls, on the way home from work:  "What's for dinner?"

Me:  "Shrimp scampi / pasta thing... I'm adding xtra shrimp & pasta so it will feed 4."

Mrs., goes to pan for serving herself:  "Is there garlic in this?"

[Nivek 16,923]

Thought that was a myth

https://www.princeton.edu/news/2015/03/30/battery-bounce-test-often-bounces-target

iPad, and lazy. It works but it is non-linear and about as accurate as you might think.

[Sandman 3,403]

I was watching a documentary about the Titanic last night, the wife was on her phone and halfway watching it. They talked about Benjamin Guggenheim going down with the ship and how he was so wealthy. The wife says, "Well of course he was wealthy, he printed all of those bibles! Remember how we saw that big one in Washington, DC??". 

 

[MissingInAction 25,035]

I witnessed a ton of women doing stupid shit at my complex during the snowpocalypse:

Pouring hot water on frozen wind shields

Exposed fires on patios inches from door ways

Scraping ice off cars with metal spatulas.

Attempting drive out the exit which is up hill and so icy one can't walk up it without falling or sliding back down

[Longboard Horn 40,301]

17 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

I witnessed a ton of women doing stupid shit at my complex during the snowpocalypse:

Pouring hot water on frozen wind shields

Exposed fires on patios inches from door ways

Scraping ice off cars with metal spatulas.

Attempting drive out the exit which is up hill and so icy one can't walk up it without falling or sliding back down

Which one was your wife? 

[lateshow 1,304]

2 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

Which one was your wife? 

All of the above. It was quite a time. 

[956 Worldwide 34,705]

On 3/2/2021 at 9:08 PM, MissingInAction said:

I witnessed a ton of women doing stupid shit at my complex during the snowpocalypse:

Pouring hot water on frozen wind shields

Exposed fires on patios inches from door ways

Scraping ice off cars with metal spatulas.

Attempting drive out the exit which is up hill and so icy one can't walk up it without falling or sliding back down

Well if you had scraped the ice off the car she wouldn’t have had to use hot water or a spatula, would she? 

[CycleTex87 2,967]

I found that a spatula worked pretty good to scrape ice off of my windshield.  Living in Houston we don't generally keep ice scrapers in the car.  What should I have used otherwise?

[SilasCoade 2,622]

CD jewel case works in a pinch.

[Nivek 16,923]

53 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

I found that a spatula worked pretty good to scrape ice off of my windshield.  Living in Houston we don't generally keep ice scrapers in the car.  What should I have used otherwise?

piss

[WhatTheBuck 28,776]

4 hours ago, Llogg said:

CD jewel case works in a pinch.

You must be younger than I am. We used to use cassette tape cases back before the invention of the CD 

[956 Worldwide 34,705]

4 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

I found that a spatula worked pretty good to scrape ice off of my windshield.  Living in Houston we don't generally keep ice scrapers in the car.  What should I have used otherwise?

Plastic spatula is fine, it’s metal you don’t want to use. You can scratch your windshield to hell.  Best is to get an early start, crank the heater up all the way on defrost, and use a brush to get rid of it after the shell stuck to the glass melts. 

[wd40 1,976]

[66BUFF 2,562]

6 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

I found that a spatula worked pretty good to scrape ice off of my windshield.  Living in Houston we don't generally keep ice scrapers in the car.  What should I have used otherwise?

Credit cards work.  Best to just let it warm up and melt. 

[NWBuck 8,552]

2 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Plastic spatula is fine, it’s metal you don’t want to use. You can scratch your windshield to hell.  Best is to get an early start, crank the heater up all the way on defrost, and use a brush to get rid of it after the shell stuck to the glass melts. 

 

[TrashMaster G 17,551]

3 hours ago, wd40 said:

Who's your buddy?

[SilasCoade 2,622]

3 hours ago, NWBuck said:

 

That is the one and only movie my dad ever took me to see in a theatre. He loved it.

[markstanco 12,574]

So, the youngest asked mom the other day if she could get him a safe. He's 10, so gotta protect that $38 he has for chores and leftover Christmas.

This just came in: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01L7U3SXW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_E52AZYC3KAS0SS342SYW?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

11 hours ago, Nivek said:

piss

The answer is ALWAYS "piss", isn't it?

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

12 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

What should I have used otherwise?

@Armybrat always used the cylinder from his phonograph to scrape the ice out his mule's eyes.

[mininghorn88 2,281]

2 hours ago, markstanco said:

So, the youngest asked mom the other day if she could get him a safe. He's 10, so gotta protect that $38 he has for chores and leftover Christmas.

This just came in: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01L7U3SXW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_E52AZYC3KAS0SS342SYW?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Son: I can't find the keys to my safe and I cannot remember the code or find the paper with the code written on it.

Wife: I was cleaning up and I put them in a safe place.

Dad: Where is that?

Wife: I can't remember.

[Superhero 8,828]

Sometime, somewhere, this is someone's future, current or ex-wife.

[Modessit 5,599]

So, the youngest asked mom the other day if she could get him a safe. He's 10, so gotta protect that $38 he has for chores and leftover Christmas.

This just came in: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01L7U3SXW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_E52AZYC3KAS0SS342SYW?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

So now he has a great place to hide porn.

[Dennis Taylor 18,812]

10 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

Son: I can't find the keys to my safe and I cannot remember the code or find the paper with the code written on it.

Wife: I was cleaning up and I put them in a safe place.

Dad: Where is that?

Wife: I can't remember.

Obviously inside the safe would be the safest place

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

[luke duke 6,412]

Credit cards work.  Best to just let it warm up and melt. 

My defroster doesn’t get warm enough to melt a credit card.

[TrashMaster G 17,551]

3 minutes ago, luke duke said:

 

My defroster doesn’t get warm enough to melt a credit card.

 

Give it to your wife.  She'll have the credit card burning up in no time.

[Jameslaw121 4,448]

22 hours ago, markstanco said:

So, the youngest asked mom the other day if she could get him a safe. He's 10, so gotta protect that $38 he has for chores and leftover Christmas.

This just came in: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01L7U3SXW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_E52AZYC3KAS0SS342SYW?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Probably a little weird, but I would have loved one of those when I was ten.....and right after I discovered tits

 

[SquishMitten 10,403]

Son: I can't find the keys to my safe and I cannot remember the code or find the paper with the code written on it.
Wife: I was cleaning up and I put them in a safe place.
Dad: Where is that?
Wife: I can't remember.

Reminds me of our safety deposit box at the bank. Wife set it up ~4 years ago. She has no idea where the key is. But she says that’s fine because she’s never put anything in it

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

23 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Reminds me of our safety deposit box at the bank. Wife set it up ~4 years ago. She has no idea where the key is. But she says that’s fine because she’s never put anything in it

Nothing safer than that!

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,892]

23 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Reminds me of our safety deposit box at the bank. Wife set it up ~4 years ago. She has no idea where the key is. But she says that’s fine because she’s never put anything in it

Just cheaper to keep paying the rent rather than the cost to drill out the lock?