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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

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10 minutes ago, Nivek said:

Wife: (talking about kids and electronics: summarized as reduce time) do you agree?
Me: that’s fine.
Wife: what do you mean by fine?
Me: um it’s OK.
Wife: but do I have your support? What are you willing to do? I don’t know what ‘fine’ means. That’s like you saying we are having hamburgers for dibber but then I say that’s fine but it really isn’t. And then you are surprised I am not helping you make hamburgers.
Me: (tom cruise “what look?”). I don’t understand anything you said.
Wife: that’s an analogy. You are really hurting my feelings! Of you agree with me you should say “(lists off 5 pleonastic ways to say “fine” and I tuned out for another minute or so).
Me: (i continue to wash dishes). I really have no idea what you are talking about. That’s fine means I agree. Affirmative. I didn’t say “fine!” Like some annoyed teenager. Don’t give me a bad read here. I said “that’s fine”. That’s it. I thought you wanted to talk about our kid not parse out what Nivek really means when he says something. (I am not that complicated, deeper end of normal voice, capable of sitting on my balls, not overly verbose except when telling a story. Happy to sit in silence. ) you know how prescious these moments to talk are without interruption of kids.
Wife: ......(she has to be thinking “thats fine”)

Should have said "hamburgers for dinner sounds great, honey."

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Better than an argument that once occurred at my house.
Her: You do not like blow jobs, I've never seen you get one!
Me: That's because you won't give me one and since we're married you're my only option. The closest I've ever gotten to not liking blow jobs was decades ago when I got a really toothy one that bruised my junk from my high school girlfriend and it was still glorious.  Last year you were having drinks with your friend and you called and asked if I wanted anything on your way home.  I said "yes, a blow job when you get home" and you said "okay".  I got pissed at you because you came home and didn't give me a blow job!
Me: I assure you, I like getting head, it feels good.
Her: No, it doesn't.
Me: What?!?!?!?  Think about what you're doing -- you're arguing with *ME*, a guy with a dick, about whether *I* like it to get sucked by a woman! Have you lost your fucking mind?  Why would you be arguing about this?  Every guy in the world likes getting head and you'll find that out someday when we get divorced. 
Narrator: They got divorced a year later.

Narrator: she was sucking someone else’s dick.
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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18963

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Wife can't sleep last night and wakes me up around 1:30am. Now I can't sleep. She takes an ambien. I take some melatonin. Hour goes by, still no sleep. She gets up, pours herself a glass of wine. Comes to bed maybe 45 mins later. Of course I'm still awake. I figure this might be a good time to knock one out to help me pass out. I make a move but she's pretty groggy at this point after the pills and wine, and not into it. So I go rub one out. I take off my wedding ring and set it down in the bathroom, get down to business, and then finally go back to bed and pass out. 

I get up early, take my daughter to school and go to my office while my wife's still asleep. I get a frantic phone call after she wakes up and finds my wedding ring in the bathroom, "Oh my God. What happened last night? I'm completely freaking out. What did I say? Are we getting divorced?" 

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13255

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6 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Wife can't sleep last night and wakes me up around 1:30am. Now I can't sleep. She takes an ambien. I take some melatonin. Hour goes by, still no sleep. She gets up, pours herself a glass of wine. Comes to bed maybe 45 mins later. Of course I'm still awake. I figure this might be a good time to knock one out to help me pass out. I make a move but she's pretty groggy at this point after the pills and wine, and not into it. So I go rub one out. I take off my wedding ring and set it down in the bathroom, get down to business, and then finally go back to bed and pass out. 

I get up early, take my daughter to school and go to my office while my wife's still asleep. I get a frantic phone call after she wakes up and finds my wedding ring in the bathroom, "Oh my God. What happened last night? I'm completely freaking out. What did I say? Are we getting divorced?" 

Your reply should have been yes, and I'm keeping the crab.

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19465

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7 hours ago, Nivek said:

Wife: (talking about kids and electronics: summarized as reduce time) do you agree?
Me: that’s fine.
Wife: what do you mean by fine?
Me: um it’s OK.
Wife: but do I have your support? What are you willing to do? I don’t know what ‘fine’ means. That’s like you saying we are having hamburgers for dibber but then I say that’s fine but it really isn’t. And then you are surprised I am not helping you make hamburgers.
Me: (tom cruise “what look?”). I don’t understand anything you said.
Wife: that’s an analogy. You are really hurting my feelings! Of you agree with me you should say “(lists off 5 pleonastic ways to say “fine” and I tuned out for another minute or so).
Me: (i continue to wash dishes). I really have no idea what you are talking about. That’s fine means I agree. Affirmative. I didn’t say “fine!” Like some annoyed teenager. Don’t give me a bad read here. I said “that’s fine”. That’s it. I thought you wanted to talk about our kid not parse out what Nivek really means when he says something. (I am not that complicated, deeper end of normal voice, capable of sitting on my balls, not overly verbose except when telling a story. Happy to sit in silence. ) you know how prescious these moments to talk are without interruption of kids.
Wife: ......(she has to be thinking “thats fine”)

Why were you washing the dishes?  According to this story you have a wife - and kids.

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Hook1997

Hook1997 5511

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Posted
On 3/15/2021 at 2:02 PM, gernblansten said:

Better than an argument that once occurred at my house.

Her: You do not like blow jobs, I've never seen you get one!

Me: That's because you won't give me one and since we're married you're my only option. The closest I've ever gotten to not liking blow jobs was decades ago when I got a really toothy one that bruised my junk from my high school girlfriend and it was still glorious.  Last year you were having drinks with your friend and you called and asked if I wanted anything on your way home.  I said "yes, a blow job when you get home" and you said "okay".  I got pissed at you because you came home and didn't give me a blow job!

Me: I assure you, I like getting head, it feels good.

Her: No, it doesn't.

Me: What?!?!?!?  Think about what you're doing -- you're arguing with *ME*, a guy with a dick, about whether *I* like it to get sucked by a woman! Have you lost your fucking mind?  Why would you be arguing about this?  Every guy in the world likes getting head and you'll find that out someday when we get divorced. 

Narrator: They got divorced a year later.

You married a women that never even gave you a blowjob while you were dating even?!!!  Your lack of bj’s now is totally on you then.  

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18963

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1 hour ago, NorthLoop said:

Who takes their wedding ring off to jerk off?

 

1 hour ago, Sbbruin said:

No fucking kidding?  Plus that means he's going lefty, and while I write lefthanded, jerking is a strictly righty activity.

 

25 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

He doesn't want his hand to know he's married

 

23 minutes ago, Hate said:

I don't even think I could finish if I jerked off left handed.  I could probably golf better left handed than jerk off.

You guys must have small dicks if you only have to use one hand.

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11879

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Wife can't sleep last night and wakes me up around 1:30am. Now I can't sleep. She takes an ambien. I take some melatonin. Hour goes by, still no sleep. She gets up, pours herself a glass of wine. Comes to bed maybe 45 mins later. Of course I'm still awake. I figure this might be a good time to knock one out to help me pass out. I make a move but she's pretty groggy at this point after the pills and wine, and not into it. So I go rub one out. I take off my wedding ring and set it down in the bathroom, get down to business, and then finally go back to bed and pass out. 

I get up early, take my daughter to school and go to my office while my wife's still asleep. I get a frantic phone call after she wakes up and finds my wedding ring in the bathroom, "Oh my God. What happened last night? I'm completely freaking out. What did I say? Are we getting divorced?" 

Please tell me you sent her an image of fight the power kitten in response

 

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Mach 1

Mach 1 1677

Posted
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1 hour ago, Hate said:

I don't even think I could finish if I jerked off left handed.  I could probably golf better left handed than jerk off.

I popped a tendon in my right hand.  Jerking lefty was no problem, just took practice to get the right motion.

Felt like I was cheating on my right, but I got over it.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15452

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Wife can't sleep last night and wakes me up around 1:30am. Now I can't sleep. She takes an ambien. I take some melatonin. Hour goes by, still no sleep. She gets up, pours herself a glass of wine. Comes to bed maybe 45 mins later. Of course I'm still awake. I figure this might be a good time to knock one out to help me pass out. I make a move but she's pretty groggy at this point after the pills and wine, and not into it. So I go rub one out. I take off my wedding ring and set it down in the bathroom, get down to business, and then finally go back to bed and pass out. 

I get up early, take my daughter to school and go to my office while my wife's still asleep. I get a frantic phone call after she wakes up and finds my wedding ring in the bathroom, "Oh my God. What happened last night? I'm completely freaking out. What did I say? Are we getting divorced?" 

Should have sent a pic of the missing sofas from old dude and the mural and said “Ya think” 

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JesusSweatDuck

JesusSweatDuck 18125

Posted
Posted
On 3/15/2021 at 2:02 PM, gernblansten said:

Better than an argument that once occurred at my house.

Her: You do not like blow jobs, I've never seen you get one!

Me: That's because you won't give me one and since we're married you're my only option. The closest I've ever gotten to not liking blow jobs was decades ago when I got a really toothy one that bruised my junk from my high school girlfriend and it was still glorious.  Last year you were having drinks with your friend and you called and asked if I wanted anything on your way home.  I said "yes, a blow job when you get home" and you said "okay".  I got pissed at you because you came home and didn't give me a blow job!

Me: I assure you, I like getting head, it feels good.

Her: No, it doesn't.

Me: What?!?!?!?  Think about what you're doing -- you're arguing with *ME*, a guy with a dick, about whether *I* like it to get sucked by a woman! Have you lost your fucking mind?  Why would you be arguing about this?  Every guy in the world likes getting head and you'll find that out someday when we get divorced. 

Narrator: They got divorced a year later.

Wait, you married a women knowing that she wouldn't give blowjobs? 

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ABSR

ABSR 5370

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, JesusSweatDuck said:

Wait, you married a women knowing that she wouldn't give blowjobs? 

Unless a guy is stupid or delusional, we all marry women knowing she won't give blowjobs.  This guy's girl just said "I don't" before the "I do".

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Not a cat

Not a cat 5813

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On 3/17/2021 at 10:49 AM, ABSR said:

Unless a guy is stupid or delusional, we all marry women knowing she won't give blowjobs.  This guy's girl just said "I don't" before the "I do".

Count me as stupid and delusional because I'd have never gotten married if I knew what was coming (or more accurately not coming) in the bedroom.  We all knew that everyone else's wives stop giving them, but we also all knew our girl was special and it wouldn't happen to us. 

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26442

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10 hours ago, Not a cat said:

Count me as stupid and delusional because I'd have never gotten married if I knew what was coming (or more accurately not coming) in the bedroom.  We all knew that everyone else's wives stop giving them, but we also all knew our girl was special and it wouldn't happen to us. 

Sad A Christmas Story GIF by filmeditor

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Knoxtnhorn

Knoxtnhorn 6309

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Oh for fuck's sake.  It's MIL, but I'm not starting a new thread.

Long story short.  My MIL is a drama queen that can't handle a fucking thing on her own.  Since I've known her she's left my wife's father for an Elvis impersonator, then left him for some guy that's actually a bigger loser.  She has no sense of humor and talks to my wife like she's still 3 years old.

So we're headed to the Hill Country a couple of days ago for Spring Break.  Wife is driving 'cause I'm tired.  We get the following text...

MIL: Hi sweetie.  Are you ok?  I'm watching TWC and I see that there are horrible storms in your area.  (They had passed through several hours earlier which, if you're really paying attention, you'd know.  But, like I said, anything for drama.)  I'm worried about y'all.  I want you to be safe.  Love you honey.  Be safe.  Let me know if the storms hurt you.  You're my little angel.  Wish I could keep you safe from the storms.  (etc...)

So I reply:  We're ok.  Trying to get the 8 year-old out of the tree where the winds blew him.  We lost 1 out of 2 cats and at least 3 tshirts.  Good news is that, when we opened the door, the world went from black and white to color.

MIL: OMG.  Is everyone ok?  I'll come down there and help if need be.  I'm so worried.

My wife tells me to call her, so I do.  As she freaks out, my wife is all, "He's giving you the plot of the Wizard of Oz.  We're fine."  Of course the MIL starts crying and says my text wasn't funny, then sends a book-long text to my SIL about how big of an asshole I am.

F's sake.  Maybe I'm callous or maybe I'm the product of being a latch-key kid, but I do not understand this woman.

 

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Knoxtnhorn

Knoxtnhorn 6309

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, AUS-97HORN said:

shit, if you got that kind of reaction over the wizard of oz, imagine the reaction you would get over 2012 or earthquake or one of the other mega disaster flicks. 

Funny you should say that.  She'd be the type to worry about a tsunami in Alaska because it occurred in the same hemisphere.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15452

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Oh for fuck's sake.  It's MIL, but I'm not starting a new thread.

Long story short.  My MIL is a drama queen that can't handle a fucking thing on her own.  Since I've known her she's left my wife's father for an Elvis impersonator, then left him for some guy that's actually a bigger loser.  She has no sense of humor and talks to my wife like she's still 3 years old.

So we're headed to the Hill Country a couple of days ago for Spring Break.  Wife is driving 'cause I'm tired.  We get the following text...

MIL: Hi sweetie.  Are you ok?  I'm watching TWC and I see that there are horrible storms in your area.  (They had passed through several hours earlier which, if you're really paying attention, you'd know.  But, like I said, anything for drama.)  I'm worried about y'all.  I want you to be safe.  Love you honey.  Be safe.  Let me know if the storms hurt you.  You're my little angel.  Wish I could keep you safe from the storms.  (etc...)

So I reply:  We're ok.  Trying to get the 8 year-old out of the tree where the winds blew him.  We lost 1 out of 2 cats and at least 3 tshirts.  Good news is that, when we opened the door, the world went from black and white to color.

MIL: OMG.  Is everyone ok?  I'll come down there and help if need be.  I'm so worried.

My wife tells me to call her, so I do.  As she freaks out, my wife is all, "He's giving you the plot of the Wizard of Oz.  We're fine."  Of course the MIL starts crying and says my text wasn't funny, then sends a book-long text to my SIL about how big of an asshole I am.

F's sake.  Maybe I'm callous or maybe I'm the product of being a latch-key kid, but I do not understand this woman.

 

giphy.gif?cid=5e214886uk1d3zlhm7162ttflo

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Nivek

Nivek 17417

Posted
Posted

4th time she admitted she made a mistake in 18 years of marriage.  Later the next day she asked me what we should do for dinner.  I told her my idea and she replied 'that's fine' to me.  As I snapped to look over at her there was a faint smile.  

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Superhero

Superhero 9028

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 3/16/2021 at 4:28 PM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

You guys must have small dicks if you only have to use one hand.

I deliberately grew a small penis so I could just jerk with one hand while holding a burger with the other.

Edited by Superhero
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