Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[956 Worldwide 34208]

On 3/19/2021 at 11:04 PM, Knoxtnhorn said:

Oh for fuck's sake.  It's MIL, but I'm not starting a new thread.

Long story short.  My MIL is a drama queen that can't handle a fucking thing on her own.  Since I've known her she's left my wife's father for an Elvis impersonator, then left him for some guy that's actually a bigger loser.  She has no sense of humor and talks to my wife like she's still 3 years old.

So we're headed to the Hill Country a couple of days ago for Spring Break.  Wife is driving 'cause I'm tired.  We get the following text...

MIL: Hi sweetie.  Are you ok?  I'm watching TWC and I see that there are horrible storms in your area.  (They had passed through several hours earlier which, if you're really paying attention, you'd know.  But, like I said, anything for drama.)  I'm worried about y'all.  I want you to be safe.  Love you honey.  Be safe.  Let me know if the storms hurt you.  You're my little angel.  Wish I could keep you safe from the storms.  (etc...)

So I reply:  We're ok.  Trying to get the 8 year-old out of the tree where the winds blew him.  We lost 1 out of 2 cats and at least 3 tshirts.  Good news is that, when we opened the door, the world went from black and white to color.

MIL: OMG.  Is everyone ok?  I'll come down there and help if need be.  I'm so worried.

My wife tells me to call her, so I do.  As she freaks out, my wife is all, "He's giving you the plot of the Wizard of Oz.  We're fine."  Of course the MIL starts crying and says my text wasn't funny, then sends a book-long text to my SIL about how big of an asshole I am.

F's sake.  Maybe I'm callous or maybe I'm the product of being a latch-key kid, but I do not understand this woman.

 

Hope you somehow worked in being glad the house didn’t land on her into the apology.

[Superhero 8692]

On 3/17/2021 at 8:39 AM, Sbbruin said:

They all give blowjobs until those fateful words are uttered: "I do."

 

On 3/17/2021 at 1:34 PM, NWBuck said:

"I do" really means "I did, and now I don't"

Still get blown regularly 12 years into marriage. Too bad the I'ma Let You Finish mouth hugs only happen on birthdays now.

[Lidig8r 1841]

14 hours ago, Superhero said:

 

Still get blown regularly 12 years into marriage. Too bad the I'ma Let You Finish mouth hugs only happen on birthdays now.

The oneupmanship thread is ............>

[former alkie 72]

On 3/1/2021 at 10:48 AM, Nivek said:

I just drop them.  If the bounce/flip they are depleted.  If they have a dampened response they are good.

This battery test actually works!!

First I'd ever heard of this.  I was afraid to test it, because I've always been afraid a battery may blow up if dropped on concrete

But, damned if it doesn't work

[Nivek 16739]

This battery test actually works!!
First I'd ever heard of this.  I was afraid to test it, because I've always been afraid a battery may blow up if dropped on concrete
But, damned if it doesn't work

Whoa, I just drop them about about 6 inches usually on a countertop or some wooden table for the bounce test. And username

[Nivek 16739]

This battery test actually works!!
First I'd ever heard of this.  I was afraid to test it, because I've always been afraid a battery may blow up if dropped on concrete
But, damned if it doesn't work

Whoa, I just drop them about about 6 inches usually on a countertop or some wooden table for the bounce test. And username

[MNLonghornFUKM 8791]

Road tripped to Florida a few days ago so per usual and my wife Co piloted via gps on the phone instead of either looking ahead or just an interstate map.

We entered at St. Louis so I of course cracked about East St. Louis right away. Well gps routes us off mlk bridge. After that we’re literally given a quarter mile to merge all of the way to the right to get onto the best interstate but traffic was heavy so I missed it. Her gps took me off at the next exit and guess where we drove right smack through town?


At least there was another car on the road but yea, ESL lived up to the hype

[Dennis Taylor 18633]

4 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Road tripped to Florida a few days ago so per usual and my wife Co piloted via gps on the phone instead of either looking ahead or just an interstate map.

We entered at St. Louis so I of course cracked about East St. Louis right away. Well gps routes us off mlk bridge. After that we’re literally given a quarter mile to merge all of the way to the right to get onto the best interstate but traffic was heavy so I missed it. Her gps took me off at the next exit and guess where we drove right smack through town?


At least there was another car on the road but yea, ESL lived up to the hype

 

[956 Worldwide 34208]

One of my kids goes to learning support weekly.  Wife is the main liaison, she tells me that the counselor wants to do a session with both of us and the kiddo, can I take yesterday afternoon off of work.  Of course I can do that, no problem.

We all show up yesterday and the support counselor says "oh...Ms. 956, I am surprised to see you all here.  I sent you an email with a list of several dates that we could do the parental session but you never replied.  So I am sorry, but I am not ready for the parental session today, it will just be me and Lil' 956."

And of course, wife spent the entire hour we waited in the sitting area searching all her email folders to prove that she had in fact replied to the scheduling email from the center. (Narrator: she hadn't.). 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8791]

Double post

[Armybrat 40628]

2 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Road tripped to Florida a few days ago so per usual and my wife Co piloted via gps on the phone instead of either looking ahead or just an interstate map.

We entered at St. Louis so I of course cracked about East St. Louis right away. Well gps routes us off mlk bridge. After that we’re literally given a quarter mile to merge all of the way to the right to get onto the best interstate but traffic was heavy so I missed it. Her gps took me off at the next exit and guess where we drove right smack through town?


At least there was another car on the road but yea, ESL lived up to the hype

So that shithole hasn’t changed since 1954?

[Beau Vine 53827]

On 3/19/2021 at 6:45 PM, Knoxtnhorn said:

Funny you should say that.  She'd be the type to worry about a tsunami in Alaska because it occurred in the same hemisphere.

My afraid-of-everything MIL called my wife yesterday to ask if she'd heard about the shooting in Boulder, because, you know, our daughter lives in Golden, a half hour from Boulder.  Then the wife gets on google maps to figure out exactly where the grocery store is.

[Hate 20081]

Road tripped to Florida a few days ago so per usual and my wife Co piloted via gps on the phone instead of either looking ahead or just an interstate map.

We entered at St. Louis so I of course cracked about East St. Louis right away. Well gps routes us off mlk bridge. After that we’re literally given a quarter mile to merge all of the way to the right to get onto the best interstate but traffic was heavy so I missed it. Her gps took me off at the next exit and guess where we drove right smack through town?


At least there was another car on the road but yea, ESL lived up to the hype

Do you still have the hub caps on your car?

[Beau Vine 53827]

[Jerry Callo 8643]

 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2720]

Oh yes. I have 2 of those. One for ketchup and one for all the other spoiled condiments.

[nnm 35838]

3 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Oh yes. I have 2 of those. One for ketchup and one for all the other spoiled condiments.

We have a Chik-Fil-A sauce collection too. 

[Nolacycling 893]

Brings back memories of stealing bottles of Arby's sauce.

That was stupid, too.

[bigbevo76 64]

A show comes on about Alcatraz. The premise is they drain SF bay to see if escape is possible with currents, etc...

Wife: Did they really do that?
Me: What? Drain SF bay?
Wife: Yes

Sent from my HD1925 using Tapatalk

[Hate 20081]

A show comes on about Alcatraz. The premise is they drain SF bay to see if escape is possible with currents, etc...

Wife: Did they really do that?
Me: What? Drain SF bay?
Wife: Yes

Sent from my HD1925 using Tapatalk

She probably shouldn’t watch the “drain the oceans” show on Natgeo.

[Modessit 5582]

Wife and kids leave for school at 7am. Phone wakes me up at 7:15am.

Her: Hey! The car is driving slow and the brake light is on!

Me: Is the parking brake on?

Her: Um... (click) OK. The light's off and it's driving fine now.

Me: Bye.

[TrashMaster G 17323]

9 hours ago, bigbevo76 said:

A show comes on about Alcatraz. The premise is they drain SF bay to see if escape is possible with currents, etc...

Wife: Did they really do that?
Me: What? Drain SF bay?
Wife: Yes

Sent from my HD1925 using Tapatalk
 

Did you give her the Tommy Lee Jones?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21776]

11 hours ago, bigbevo76 said:

A show comes on about Alcatraz. The premise is they drain SF bay to see if escape is possible with currents, etc...

Wife: Did they really do that?
Me: What? Drain SF bay?
Wife: Yes

Sent from my HD1925 using Tapatalk
 

If they drain they bay how will that help them see if escape is possible with the currents?

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

If they drain they bay how will that help them see if escape is possible with the currents?

*Currants. It's a tiny grape smuggling operation.

[DigglerontheHoof 20930]

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

*Currants. It's a tiny grape smuggling operation.

[Tylerocks 2544]

My wife uses serrated steak knives to chop stuff like carrots, onions etc.

I'm all..

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

8 minutes ago, Tylerocks said:

My wife uses serrated steak knives to chop stuff like carrots, onions etc.

I'm all..

SO MUCH THIS. 

This makes me surly as hell. 

[Trey3216 15317]

25 minutes ago, Tylerocks said:

My wife uses serrated steak knives to chop stuff like carrots, onions etc.

I'm all..

Same boat 

[Jerry Callo 8643]

I have two knife blocks on the counter - my knives and everyone else's.  I don't care what they do with their knives.

[Wiler77 1547]

On 3/23/2021 at 4:11 PM, Beau Vine said:

I see someone's wife watches Struggle Meals on Tastemade channel.

Whenever that dude opens his leftover condiments drawer (aka I steal as many condiments as possible from fast food restaurants drawer), I think to myself, "who the fuck would want to use that shit at home."  I now have my answer.

[ROFL BOX 6642]

48 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

I have two knife blocks on the counter - my knives and everyone else's.  I don't care what they do with their knives.

Concurrent argument with Mrs. ROFL:  NO, wooden handled steak knives do NOT get put in the dishwasher.  The end, nothing else to say, STOP doing that.

Mrs. ROFL:  "Well my Mom... "

[Beau Vine 53827]

2 hours ago, Tylerocks said:

My wife uses serrated steak knives to chop stuff like carrots, onions etc.

I'm all..

My wife would use our steak knives to cut a slice of lemon, and then put them in the dishwasher.

Me: "#1, don't put steak knives in the dishwasher.  #2, that little bit of lemon juice on the knife probably cleans it better than two hours in the dishwasher!"

[SquishMitten 10380]

I see someone's wife watches Struggle Meals on Tastemade channel.
Whenever that dude opens his leftover condiments drawer (aka I steal as many condiments as possible from fast food restaurants drawer), I think to myself, "who the fuck would want to use that shit at home."  I now have my answer.

I don’t use them at home, but we buy those packets in bulk. Use em almost every day packing lunches for the kids

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

Mrs CL has a horrible habit of improvising when she cooks. Not necessarily substitutions, but actual improvisations to recipes to try and make them... better?

Tonight my oldest had baseball practice. Wife says dinner will be waiting for its when we get home. She is going to brown some chicken and mix in some canned Alfredo sauce with fettuccine noodles. Sounds great, I'm looking forward to it. 

I get home and she has decided to throw in some frozen mixed vegetables: carrots, peas, and corn, plus some chopped celery and onions too. Because all that shit goes with traditional fettuccine Alfredo. 

It was vile and I threw it in the trash and had a hot dog for dinner instead. 

[OrangEngr 1034]

39 minutes ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Mrs CL has a horrible habit of improvising when she cooks. Not necessarily substitutions, but actual improvisations to recipes to try and make them... better?

Tonight my oldest had baseball practice. Wife says dinner will be waiting for its when we get home. She is going to brown some chicken and mix in some canned Alfredo sauce with fettuccine noodles. Sounds great, I'm looking forward to it. 

I get home and she has decided to throw in some frozen mixed vegetables: carrots, peas, and corn, plus some chopped celery and onions too. Because all that shit goes with traditional fettuccine Alfredo. 

It was vile and I threw it in the trash and had a hot dog for dinner instead. 

Nope. Vic’s friends food thread is ———->

[Willfully Horn 7911]

Nm

Edited March 30, 2021 by Willfully Horn

[blacklab 11836]

Wife always has amazing timing. Usually it’s about 20 minutes left in a movie. Tonight it was 2 outs left in the 9th. 
Who’s playing?
Is that Texas?
Is that Texas a&m?
Texas is playing Texas a&m?
Who is winning?
How much time left?
Will Texas win?
Do you know Kurt is an aggy fan?
Do you think he is watching?

[Pdawg88 1108]

My wife eats a 30mg gummy last night as we are in bed and gets all smart of the sudden. Which she hasn’t done since the day I met her 17 years ago. 

Her: “I wish it wish I knew what it is like to be me”

Me: “aren’t you the only person who knows what it’s like to be you”?

[cactusflinthead 27586]

17 minutes ago, Pdawg88 said:

My wife eats a 30mg gummy last night as we are in bed and gets all smart of the sudden. Which she hasn’t done since the day I met her 17 years ago. 

Her: “I wish it wish I knew what it is like to be me”

Me: “aren’t you the only person who knows what it’s like to be you”?

You should contribute more.

[Frank The Tank 1482]

Did you eat a gummy before typing that?

[Pdawg88 1108]

20 minutes ago, Frank The Tank said:

Did you eat a gummy before typing that?

No sir, did smoke a doobie tho. 

[Dry Elbows 142]

30mg is a pretty potent edible.

[Zeus 5898]

SIAP

 

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

Damn. 

[TrashMaster G 17323]

12 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife always has amazing timing. Usually it’s about 20 minutes left in a movie. Tonight it was 2 outs left in the 9th. 
Who’s playing?
Is that Texas?
Is that Texas a&m?
Texas is playing Texas a&m?
Who is winning?
How much time left?
Will Texas win?
Do you know Kurt is an aggy fan?
Do you think he is watching?

That there is grounds for divorce.

[Pdawg88 1108]

1 hour ago, Dry Elbows said:

30mg is a pretty potent edible.

If you’re going to be a bear, be a grizzly. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21776]

A Polar Bear would rip a Grizzly's nuts off and eat them for a snack

[Pdawg88 1108]

4 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

A Polar Bear would rip a Grizzly's nuts off and eat them for a snack

And they live on a block of ice. Advantage grizzly. 

[Trey3216 15317]

6 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

A Polar Bear would rip a Grizzly's nuts off and eat them for a snack

If he could get off his little ice patch in the middle of the Arctic.   

Edited March 31, 2021 by Trey3216
Didn't see PDawg had beat me to the ice comment.

[SHOOTER12 8771]

On 3/29/2021 at 9:09 PM, crimsonlonghorn said:

Mrs CL has a horrible habit of improvising when she cooks. Not necessarily substitutions, but actual improvisations to recipes to try and make them... better?

Tonight my oldest had baseball practice. Wife says dinner will be waiting for its when we get home. She is going to brown some chicken and mix in some canned Alfredo sauce with fettuccine noodles. Sounds great, I'm looking forward to it. 

I get home and she has decided to throw in some frozen mixed vegetables: carrots, peas, and corn, plus some chopped celery and onions too. Because all that shit goes with traditional fettuccine Alfredo. 

It was vile and I threw it in the trash and had a hot dog for dinner instead. 

Been there, my wife makes (made?) the most incredible beef stew I've ever had.... until she started "improving" it.  Don't know why, but it gave me the worst case of the shits imaginable.  The next time she made it... you guessed right, hot dogs