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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
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Clintonaldo

Clintonaldo 2562

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Since the baby came she has been on a roll. This morning I am driving home from workout and it is pouring down rain when I get home and I ask where our dog is and she said outside. I ask if the dog is wearing it’s rain jacket and she said no it isn’t raining and I say yes it is. She then tells me she knows it isn’t because she let the dog out 5 minutes ago and it wasn’t raining. I get annoyed at this point and ask her if she thinks I drove in a fucking tunnel from workout place to our garage. 

 

Tonight the dog keeps scratching at bowl wanting more and more food and I said she had too much already which made the wife say just fill it up and she will stop when she is full. I tell her under that logic I should just leave the bag open for her. She realizes she is wrong finally. 

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EE2B

EE2B 1561

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My wife started buying paper products and putting them in our guest house last year when the shortages started. At some point she decided that we needed to store some food over there. A couple weeks ago she brought the bags of food into the kitchen to sort them out.

Any guesses on how much was expired after one year? If you said all but 1 box of spaghetti you would be absolutely correct. She threw away two plastic bags of shit that was expired that she had stored away because “we might need it”.

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18632

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6 minutes ago, EE2B said:

My wife started buying paper products and putting them in our guest house last year when the shortages started. At some point she decided that we needed to store some food over there. A couple weeks ago she brought the bags of food into the kitchen to sort them out.

Any guesses on how much was expired after one year? If you said all but 1 box of spaghetti you would be absolutely correct. She threw away two plastic bags of shit that was expired that she had stored away because “we might need it”.

Whole lotta words to humblebrag about having a guest house

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wd40

wd40 1976

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50 minutes ago, EE2B said:

My wife started buying paper products and putting them in our guest house last year when the shortages started. At some point she decided that we needed to store some food over there. A couple weeks ago she brought the bags of food into the kitchen to sort them out.

Any guesses on how much was expired after one year? If you said all but 1 box of spaghetti you would be absolutely correct. She threw away two plastic bags of shit that was expired that she had stored away because “we might need it”.

you know who lives in the guest house, right?

 

Spoiler

image.gif.1283f98ea57a0170f3f6332d80395774.gif

 

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34208

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Wife hit up the garden store to buy some potting soil, new annuals, etc. Asked me to go down to the car and fetch it upstairs. Lug a couple bags upstairs, get in the door and say, “hey, which balcony do you plan to plant on?”

”Oh, I didn’t think about that, let me go look at them....”

Nope. I’m putting these bags of dirt down on the close one, not standing here with them waiting for you to decide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34208

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On a roll this weekend.  Today we rented a movie through iTunes for the munchkins. We had to pause it for a bit, came back, Mrs Worldwide asks “how much longer is this movie.”

Little Worldwide 2 says: “47 hours.”

Me: “No pumpkin. That is how long we have the movie available to watch, it’s not really 47 hours long.”

Mrs Worldwide: “Yeah, sweetie ... if it were that long the movie would last almost all day!”

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Modessit

Modessit 5582

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Wife hit up the garden store to buy some potting soil, new annuals, etc. Asked me to go down to the car and fetch it upstairs. Lug a couple bags upstairs, get in the door and say, “hey, which balcony do you plan to plant on?”
”Oh, I didn’t think about that, let me go look at them....”
Nope. I’m putting these bags of dirt down on the close one, not standing here with them waiting for you to decide.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"You know what? I think it would look better down by the driveway. Can you carry them back down?"

Pro tip: leave them in the car until she tells you exactly where they go. And gives you a BJ first.
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ABSR

ABSR 5281

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14 hours ago, Modessit said:

"You know what? I think it would look better down by the driveway. Can you carry them back down?"

Pro tip: leave them in the car until she tells you exactly where they go. And gives you a BJ first.

Narrator:  The bags never left the car.

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1810

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Immediately after my son's soccer game:

"What are those?"

"These are somebody's sunglasses they left here on the field." 

"Are they yours?"

"No, they are somebody else's. They were left on the field and I am looking to see whose they are."

"Are they Sarah's?"

"HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? IF I KNEW WHO THEY BELONGED TO I WOULD GIVE THEM BACK."

"Hey you don't have to get mad about it."

"How are you a doctor?"

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Superhero

Superhero 8692

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I mentioned this several years ago... but my wife will come to me midstream in her thoughts and ask questions which I don't have answers to. Saturday night I'm watching TV...

"How many sandwiches should I get for tomorrow?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, how many sandwiches should I get for tomorrow?"

"Why are you getting sandwiches?"

"Because we're doing an Easter egg hunt in the backyard with my brother's family."

"Oh, I didn't know they were coming. But okay, 14 dozen."

"Why do I even ask you? You're no help." 

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RamjetFDO

RamjetFDO 10553

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Trying to engage you in a conversation or planning process she's been having in her head for the past 5 minutes without giving you the backstory is just expected behavior now.

Mrs. R just gets the TLJ look and then says something like "Oh.  Right.  You don't know what I'm talking about."

Me: "Never do, dear.  Never do."

Edited by RamjetFDO
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Superhero

Superhero 8692

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Follow up conversation from earlier:

"Okay, I think WE just need about a dozen sandwiches, and this and that and this and that."

"And by WE, you actually mean ME right?"

"Yeah, the bakery gets really crowded, and you wake up earlier than me."

"I'll go if you let me do you tonight."  (I'm such a romantic)

"Nope, I'll just wake up early tomorrow."  (Didn't have sex, FML)

 

In the morning, this was the monologue around the house:

"Should I call them to order first?"
"Do they have an online menu?"
"The line is going to be long, so I should order first right?"
"What if they're too busy to pick up the phone?"
"If I order first, and they're too busy, then I'll have to wait for them to fill the order right?"

This went on for 30 minutes. I told her to just go and check it out.

She came back in 25 minutes with the sandwiches.

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Zeus

Zeus 5898

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22 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Follow up conversation from earlier:

"Okay, I think WE just need about a dozen sandwiches, and this and that and this and that."

"And by WE, you actually mean ME right?"

"Yeah, the bakery gets really crowded, and you wake up earlier than me."

"I'll go if you let me do you tonight."  (I'm such a romantic)

"Nope, I'll just wake up early tomorrow."  (Didn't have sex, FML)

 

In the morning, this was the monologue around the house:

"Should I call them to order first?"
"Do they have an online menu?"
"The line is going to be long, so I should order first right?"
"What if they're too busy to pick up the phone?"
"If I order first, and they're too busy, then I'll have to wait for them to fill the order right?"

This went on for 30 minutes. I told her to just go and check it out.

She came back in 25 minutes with the sandwiches.

how many wifes does it take to make a sandwich

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wd40

wd40 1976

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56 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Follow up conversation from earlier:

"Okay, I think WE just need about a dozen sandwiches, and this and that and this and that."

"And by WE, you actually mean ME right?"

"Yeah, the bakery gets really crowded, and you wake up earlier than me."

"I'll go if you let me do you tonight."  (I'm such a romantic)

"Nope, I'll just wake up early tomorrow."  (Didn't have sex, FML)

 

In the morning, this was the monologue around the house:

"Should I call them to order first?"
"Do they have an online menu?"
"The line is going to be long, so I should order first right?"
"What if they're too busy to pick up the phone?"
"If I order first, and they're too busy, then I'll have to wait for them to fill the order right?"

This went on for 30 minutes. I told her to just go and check it out.

She came back in 25 minutes with the sandwiches.

as long as you got a quick jerk in while she was gone, call it a win and move on.

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Sandman

Sandman 3400

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My wife gives me my testosterone shot every saturday, has done for 3 years now. I just got a new bottle of the stuff last week. Fast forward to yesterday, I said hey, it's time for the shot. The new bottle is gone and the empty one is sitting on the counter. I realize what's happened: she threw away the new bottle last week by mistake. Not a huge deal, right? I didn't even say anything, I just took a shower. I can hear her searching around but it's gone, we both know what's happened. She refuses to admit it. I get out of the shower and she says "I can't find it anywhere!" and I said "That's because it got thrown away.". She absolutely will not acknowledge this, nor has she even bothered to give a half-ass "Hey, sorry if I tossed it out". It's like it never happened. 

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TTU13

TTU13 108

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Wife went to bed an hour ago.

I just turned of 12 GD lamps.

Buy occupancy based switches, RF smart switches or Phillips Hue bulbs. (I have all 3).

Create schedules, etc.

Profit.


I even taught my wife how to create schedules with the Hue bulbs. I occasionally have to go in and modify it, but either way lights get turned off. I also put a schedule on the thermostat so after she alters the temp and forgets to put it back the schedule takes over.
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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8791

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Buy occupancy based switches, RF smart switches or Phillips Hue bulbs. (I have all 3).

Create schedules, etc.

Profit.


I even taught my wife how to create schedules with the Hue bulbs. I occasionally have to go in and modify it, but either way lights get turned off. I also put a schedule on the thermostat so after she alters the temp and forgets to put it back the schedule takes over.

That’s a lot of work to save 1.60
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deadshank

deadshank 24646

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14 hours ago, Sandman said:

My wife gives me my testosterone shot every saturday, has done for 3 years now. I just got a new bottle of the stuff last week. Fast forward to yesterday, I said hey, it's time for the shot. The new bottle is gone and the empty one is sitting on the counter. I realize what's happened: she threw away the new bottle last week by mistake. Not a huge deal, right? I didn't even say anything, I just took a shower. I can hear her searching around but it's gone, we both know what's happened. She refuses to admit it. I get out of the shower and she says "I can't find it anywhere!" and I said "That's because it got thrown away.". She absolutely will not acknowledge this, nor has she even bothered to give a half-ass "Hey, sorry if I tossed it out". It's like it never happened. 

She won’t admit to it because it is somehow your fault in her mind.   

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15317

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Me:  Hey babe, where's my tape measure?  (I know she used it last week for some stupid project)

Her:  I don't know.  It's either in your tool box or it's in the hall closet where you used to keep it (before I moved most of my tools into the rolling toolbox I got last year)

Me:  It's not in either spot, I know you used it last week for that thing you're making your sister.

Her:  I don't know what to tell you, I told you where it should be....

 

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