Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,776]

That's one of the things I like best about having an ex wife, my tools are always where I put them.  My kids know better and I bought my son a basic set of his own for Christmas.  My ex asked to borrow one of my socket sets three years ago.  I made the mistake of loaning her my oldest set that I bought early in the '80s, but also my favorite one. I owned it almost 40 without ever losing a socket or attachment.  I think you can guess how it came back.

[Trey3216 15,318]

11 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

I have about 6 tape measures.  3 in the junk drawer that my wife and daughters are likely to use/lose.  2 in my rolling tool box which could be easily accessed when my wife's car is out of the garage.  And mine kept in a double top secret location. 

I definitely have others as well, but I carried out the scene anyway because I want to know what the hell she did with that particular one.  My backups are getting a little long in the tooth.  

[ABSR 5,281]

16 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

Keep looking, I’m sure it will turn up. . 

Without his testosterone injection, nothing is turning up!

[Superhero 8,692]

18 hours ago, Sandman said:

My wife gives me my testosterone shot every saturday, has done for 3 years now. I just got a new bottle of the stuff last week. Fast forward to yesterday, I said hey, it's time for the shot. The new bottle is gone and the empty one is sitting on the counter. I realize what's happened: she threw away the new bottle last week by mistake. Not a huge deal, right? I didn't even say anything, I just took a shower. I can hear her searching around but it's gone, we both know what's happened. She refuses to admit it. I get out of the shower and she says "I can't find it anywhere!" and I said "That's because it got thrown away.". She absolutely will not acknowledge this, nor has she even bothered to give a half-ass "Hey, sorry if I tossed it out". It's like it never happened. 

Did she say it in a deeper voice?

[CycleTex87 2,951]

5 minutes ago, ABSR said:

Without his testosterone injection, nothing is turning up!

That must be a terrible affliction.  Can't imagine.

[strangulation! 1,699]

2 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

I have about 6 tape measures.  3 in the junk drawer that my wife and daughters are likely to use/lose.  2 in my rolling tool box which could be easily accessed when my wife's car is out of the garage.  And mine kept in a double top secret location. 

[Beau Vine 53,828]

Here's a regular conversation at our house...

Me: Where is the ________________?

Her: It's supposed to be in the ____________ !

Me: I know where it is supposed to be.  If it was where it is supposed to be, I wouldn't be asking you where it is!

[Scheiss Meister 8,372]

Flip side:

Wife: Where is my purse?

Me: How would I know?  I don't use it, and I don't hide it from you.

Wife: Tone

Edited April 12, 2021 by Scheiss Meister

[babysdaddy 2,710]

Has anyone figured out how to ask their wife where something is that she clearly did not put back where it was supposed to be in a way that won't result in her being pissed?  If I ask in a non accusatory way I'm being passive aggressive, if I'm direct then I'm being an asshole.

[Beau Vine 53,828]

11 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Flip side:

Wife: Where is my purse?

Me: Did you check the fridge?

fify

[nnm 35,839]

42 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Flip side:

Wife: Where is my purse?

Me: How would I know?  I don't use it, and I don't hide it from you.

Wife: Tone

I’ll go one step further. This happens at least once a month:

NNM: Honey, I need to move your car. Where are your keys?

Mrs. NNM (no pics):  In my purse. 
NNM:  Great. Thanks. 
NNM:  Where is your purse?

[Scheiss Meister 8,372]

1 hour ago, babysdaddy said:

Has anyone figured out how to ask their wife where something is that she clearly did not put back where it was supposed to be in a way that won't result in her being pissed?  If I ask in a non accusatory way I'm being passive aggressive, if I'm direct then I'm being an asshole.

It isn't possible, so make the crime worth the time: "Where the hell did you put X this time?"

[TTU13 108]

That’s a lot of work to save 1.60

I’m in the building automation control business, and this is the fun stuff of work, so more of a hobby than “work”.

[TTU13 108]

Has anyone figured out how to ask their wife where something is that she clearly did not put back where it was supposed to be in a way that won't result in her being pissed?  If I ask in a non accusatory way I'm being passive aggressive, if I'm direct then I'm being an asshole.

I’ll start walking around the house looking in random places and make a lot of noise and either a) hope I find it or b) she pipes in with “what ya looking for”. Half the time it ends well.

[Trey3216 15,318]

2 hours ago, babysdaddy said:

Has anyone figured out how to ask their wife where something is that she clearly did not put back where it was supposed to be in a way that won't result in her being pissed?  If I ask in a non accusatory way I'm being passive aggressive, if I'm direct then I'm being an asshole.

[Sandman 3,400]

6 hours ago, Superhero said:

Did she say it in a deeper voice?

No, but her mustache was thicker than usual. I'm starting to get suspicious...

She finally admitted she was responsible and asked what she could do to help, so I have that going for me.

[Dennis Taylor 18,633]

14 minutes ago, Sandman said:

No, but her mustache was thicker than usual. I'm starting to get suspicious...

She finally admitted she was responsible and asked what she could do to help, so I have that going for me.

You said a blow job, right? 

[retsevlys 408]

34 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

You said a mustache ride, right? 

FIFY

[Nivek 16,739]

I’ll go one step further. This happens at least once a month:
NNM: Honey, I need to move your car. Where are your keys?
Mrs. NNM (no pics):  In my purse. 
NNM:  Great. Thanks. 
NNM:  Where is your purse?

My wife has the lovely habit of putting her purse on top of my keys, phone, or wallet. Never fails. The 9 yr old even offers a snarky comment, ‘look under mom’s purse’ for anything missing.

[NorthLoop 14,032]

Actual fight this morning.

Me: I like those earrings.

Her: You know you could've actually said you look pretty.

Me: Wait what? Are you seriously mad at me for saying something nice? 

Her: Was it though? 

 

 

I still haven't figured this one out. 

[tbone_ 14,016]

You are an asshole. What else is there to know.

[Archer 474]

23 hours ago, TTU13 said:

Buy occupancy based switches, RF smart switches or Phillips Hue bulbs. (I have all 3).

Create schedules, etc.

Profit.


I even taught my wife how to create schedules with the Hue bulbs. I occasionally have to go in and modify it, but either way lights get turned off. I also put a schedule on the thermostat so after she alters the temp and forgets to put it back the schedule takes over.

We got two Hue bulbs free from Amazon last year and put them in the master bedroom lamps. One was Bluetooth and one wasn’t. I’m not sure which one of the damn things it is but any type of power blink turns it on.  Will be 3am and a storm will blow through with a 10 second power blip and the bulb lights up the room waking me up. 
 

Schedule is nice though. 

[TKthunder2 4,968]

1 hour ago, Archer said:

We got two Hue bulbs free from Amazon last year and put them in the master bedroom lamps. One was Bluetooth and one wasn’t. I’m not sure which one of the damn things it is but any type of power blink turns it on.  Will be 3am and a storm will blow through with a 10 second power blip and the bulb lights up the room waking me up. 
 

Schedule is nice though. 

They fixed that, they can now remember the last setting on start up, it’s called “power-on behavior” in settings in the Hue app.

[Mo Horn 8,771]

8 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Actual fight this morning.

Me: I like those earrings.

Her: You know you could've actually said you look pretty.

Me: Wait what? Are you seriously mad at me for saying something nice? 

Her: Was it though? 

 

 

I still haven't figured this one out. 

In my experience, she's pissed at you about something else that she hasn't told you about yet, so anything you said was going to get the same reaction. She's just letting off a little stream, but it's building inside. Eventually she'll blow up and it'll come to light. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

52 minutes ago, Mo Horn said:

In my experience, she's pissed at you about something else that she hasn't told you about yet, so anything you said was going to get the same reaction. She's just letting off a little stream, but it's building inside. Eventually she'll blow up and it'll come to light. 

It's your fault

[Longboard Horn 39,981]

11 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Actual fight this morning.

Me: I like those earrings.

Her: You know you could've actually said you look pretty.

Me: Wait what? Are you seriously mad at me for saying something nice? 

Her: Was it though? 

 

 

I still haven't figured this one out. 

 

[Jerry Callo 8,643]

Rule #1:  If I say something that can be interpreted more than one way and one of those ways makes you upset, mad, or sad - I intended it to be the other way.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

4 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Rule #1:  If I say something that can be interpreted more than one way and one of those ways makes you upset, mad, or sad - I intended it to be the other way.

Wife's codical #1A: If you say something that can be interpreted more than one way, I'm going to assume the worst and get upset.

[TrashMaster G 17,323]

22 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Me:  Hey babe, where's my tape measure?  (I know she used it last week for some stupid project)

Her:  I don't know.  It's either in your tool box or it's in the hall closet where you used to keep it (before I moved most of my tools into the rolling toolbox I got last year)

Me:  It's not in either spot, I know you used it last week for that thing you're making your sister.

Her:  I don't know what to tell you, I told you where it should be....

 

This is where you say, "OK, let's start over: Hey, babe, where did you put my tape measure after you borrowed it last week for that thing you're making your sister?"

 

12 hours ago, Nivek said:

My wife has the lovely habit of putting her purse on top of my keys, phone, or wallet. Never fails. The 9 yr old even offers a snarky comment, ‘look under mom’s purse’ for anything missing.

That kid's going places.  He's not going to have a wife, but he's going places.

 

11 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Actual fight this morning.

Me: I like those earrings.

Her: You know you could've actually said you look pretty.

Me: Wait what? Are you seriously mad at me for saying something nice? 

Her: Was it though? 

 

 

I still haven't figured this one out. 

That pot was already boiling when you walked into the room.

[Crapinon 2,244]

25 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Wife's codical #1A: If you say something that can be interpreted more than one way, I'm going to assume the worst and get upset.

Mrs. C and I have been married for 38 years. After a certain point I just got tired of all the walking on eggshells. Now I just ask "What the hell is wrong? You're treating me like crap and I'm tired of it. Either get over it or tell me what the hell is bothering you". I know this won't work for everyone. And it especially won't work if she has a group of friends that will dump all over you to support her insecurities.

If this is too serious then my Surly response is Gaslight them. They'll eventually blame themselves. (Unless they have friends that will crap all over you. Then you're screwed.)

 

[BHMCruiser 1,810]

23 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

I have about 6 tape measures.  3 in the junk drawer that my wife and daughters are likely to use/lose.  2 in my rolling tool box which could be easily accessed when my wife's car is out of the garage.  And mine kept in a double top secret location. 

I have three. One my wife knows about in the tool area in the garage. I do not expect to ever see that one and when I do it is a pleasant surprise. Then I have one in a hidden part of the tool area of the garage. Then I keep one in my shed.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

13 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

Then I keep one in my shed.

@twosheds

 

[ABSR 5,281]

19 hours ago, babysdaddy said:

Has anyone figured out how to ask their wife where something is that she clearly did not put back where it was supposed to be in a way that won't result in her being pissed?  If I ask in a non accusatory way I'm being passive aggressive, if I'm direct then I'm being an asshole.

Wife and I were in a marriage counseling session.  Counselor was a female.  My wife had been going on about my tone etc, and I had said that the issue was not the tone but that if I said something she did not like or agree with.  Later in the session I was expressing my view/opinion and Mrs. ABSR says "See, this is what I mean about tone!"   

Counselor responded that she did not get any tone from my statement.    First thought in my head was "We are never using this counselor again."

To the counselor's credit she was able to get us to have further good discussions, and to my wife's we did see her again.

But I should get an Oscar for not sitting there like the Cheshire cat after the counselor's comment.

[luke duke 6,363]

Here's a regular conversation at our house...
Me: Where is the ________________?
Her: It's supposed to be in the ____________ !
Me: I know where it is supposed to be.  If it was where it is supposed to be, I wouldn't be asking you where it is!

I have this same conversation with my wife at least twice a week.

[Hate 20,081]

Wife and I were in a marriage counseling session.  Counselor was a female.  My wife had been going on about my tone etc, and I had said that the issue was not the tone but that if I said something she did not like or agree with.  Later in the session I was expressing my view/opinion and Mrs. ABSR says "See, this is what I mean about tone!"   
Counselor responded that she did not get any tone from my statement.    First thought in my head was "We are never using this counselor again."
To the counselor's credit she was able to get us to have further good discussions, and to my wife's we did see her again.
But I should get an Oscar for not sitting there like the Cheshire cat after the counselor's comment.

The fact of the matter is that people don’t need counselors, they need objective 3rd parties to tell the couple who was right in any given situation.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

8 minutes ago, Hate said:

The fact of the matter is that people don’t need counselors, they need objective 3rd parties to tell the couple who was right in any given situation.

You should set up a Zoom business doing just this.

[956 Worldwide 34,210]

I was working from home today and on a Zoom call.  Wife pops her head in the office tells me she is going out to meet the munchkins from the school bus, I say “ok, I have calls, I’ll start supper after.”.  After about ten minutes I hear our video doorbell ring.  Shit, she must have forgotten her keys and key card.  I apologize to my callers, go buzz her in down stairs, wait for her to get upstairs, open the door. “Did you forget the keys?”

“No, I was wanting  to show Littlest Wordwide how to work the video calling system in case she ever got locked out.”

 

[Upgrayedd 5,797]

16 minutes ago, Hate said:

The fact of the matter is that people don’t need counselors, they need objective 3rd parties to tell the couple who was right in any given situation.

[956 Worldwide 34,210]

6 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

You should set up a Zoom business doing just this.

None of our wives would ever be repeat customers and they’d bad mouth him to their friends... Not a sustainable model.

[DCA_HORN 725]

I was working from home today and on a Zoom call.  Wife pops her head in the office tells me she is going out to meet the munchkins from the school bus, I say “ok, I have calls, I’ll start supper after.”.  After about ten minutes I hear our video doorbell ring.  Shit, she must have forgotten her keys and key card.  I apologize to my callers, go buzz her in down stairs, wait for her to get upstairs, open the door. “Did you forget the keys?”
“No, I was wanting  to show Littlest Wordwide how to work the video calling system in case she ever got locked out.”
 

Clearly this is your fault for not anticipating this little teaching moment.

[Nivek 16,739]

Sometime last week: 

Wife: Remind me to get my shot on Sunday.  I need all the help I can so I won't forget.

OK:

Sunday:

Me: Hey, just wanted to remind you about your vaccine shot.

Wife: Oh, I am not going today, I have a different appointment for tomorrow. 

Me: OK

Monday:

Wife: ....... Johnson and Johnson...

Me: huh? You are getting that one? Why?

Wife: Oh, I was talking with my girlfriends (lawyers) about which shot to get and they said to get the J&J.  The moderna shot are causing problems with people with cancer. 

Me: I wouldn't take medical advice from them.  MD Anderson is handing that one out.  Also you don't have cancer.  I heard in the news there was an issue in North Carolina or something with people fainting from the JJ, but I wasn't paying attention.   

Wife: I don't know what to do.  I should just cancel it.  

Me: (Looks it up) Oh ok, I think you are fine.

Wife gets shot.

Tuesday:

Wife: They stopped giving people the JJ shot because of blood clotting.  Ugh.  You should have..... (I tuned out the rest)

Me:  (I am such an idiot)

 

[TrashMaster G 17,323]

3 hours ago, Hate said:

The fact of the matter is that people don’t need counselors, they need objective 3rd parties to tell the couple who was right in any given situation.

The word you are looking for is referee.

[nnm 35,839]

7 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Yeah, that didn’t work out so well, for either the counselor or the counselees. 

[Modessit 5,582]

Actual fight this morning.
Me: I like those earrings.
Her: You know you could've actually said you look pretty.
Me: OK. 'I look pretty.' There. I said it, but I don't know how that makes it better.

Fifme

[Modessit 5,582]

My problem isn't my wife borrowing something and not putting it back. It's when she sees something of mine sitting somewhere that she doesn't like and decides to "put it away" but doesn't tell me and forgets where she put it.

Like she brought home an electronic toy from her classroom to see if I could fix it. It needed a new battery terminal and I ordered one that would be here the next day. I had to use a special screwdriver to get the casing off. Since the part was going to be here soon, I left it sitting on the desk with the screws inside the back casing. The part comes and I go to install it. The screwdriver is gone, the back casing has been moved and the screws are missing. She tried to argue she didn't touch it - until I found the screwdriver in a drawer in the kitchen. "Oh, yeah." Never found the screws. Luckily I keep a large assortment in the garage.

[NorthLoop 14,032]

Yeah there's a joke in my house that we have a gnome that steals shit. 

In reality the gnome is my wife throwing shit away (on purpose? accidentally? who the fuck knows). 

I like to make the additional joke that the gnome didn't exist in my house when I was single. That goes over well. 

[Nivek 16,739]

On 4/13/2021 at 12:14 PM, ABSR said:

Wife and I were in a marriage counseling session.  Counselor was a female.  My wife had been going on about my tone etc, and I had said that the issue was not the tone but that if I said something she did not like or agree with.  Later in the session I was expressing my view/opinion and Mrs. ABSR says "See, this is what I mean about tone!"   

Counselor responded that she did not get any tone from my statement.    First thought in my head was "We are never using this counselor again."

To the counselor's credit she was able to get us to have further good discussions, and to my wife's we did see her again.

But I should get an Oscar for not sitting there like the Cheshire cat after the counselor's comment.

A few years ago, my kid's baseball team had a little end of season party in the park.   One of the coach's wives started in about his tone and how he sounds so angry when he yells at the kids.   She asked us dad's what we thought.  She was surprised we took up for him.  Uh, lady, you cannot whisper or speak in a normal voice to a kid in the outfield, you need to project (yell).   For a moment you could see a flicker of recognition that she might actually be wrong, but then she reverted back to maybe we were all just sticking up for him and/or we were all just stupid angry dudes.  

[Felix 595]

4 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Yeah there's a joke in my house that we have a gnome that steals shit. 

In reality the gnome is my wife throwing shit away (on purpose? accidentally? who the fuck knows). 

I like to make the additional joke that the gnome didn't exist in my house when I was single. That goes over well. 

I had to dumpster dive once back in the day to get the hardware to put a piece of furniture together after she was "helpful" and unboxed it for me.

[NAVY 6,735]

Y’all’s wives put shit away? 

[TrashMaster G 17,323]

3 hours ago, Nivek said:

A few years ago, my kid's baseball team had a little end of season party in the park.   One of the coach's wives started in about his tone and how he sounds so angry when he yells at the kids.   She asked us dad's what we thought.  She was surprised we took up for him.  Uh, lady, you cannot whisper or speak in a normal voice to a kid in the outfield, you need to project (yell).   For a moment you could see a flicker of recognition that she might actually be wrong, but then she reverted back to maybe we were all just sticking up for him and/or we were all just stupid angry dudes.  

She asked you dad's what?