Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[NeverMarryAStripper 22,313]

If she ever does actually try to tape it back together please post pics here.

[DCA_HORN 725]

I'm guessing that rug really tied the room together.

[nnm 37,978]

1 hour ago, kmac30 said:

I have been avoiding this thread, but cannot any longer.

My in-laws gave us a check around xmas for $1500. Wife asked me to get cash for her because if it goes into our bank account, it’ll be used for other things. Also, she doesn’t want me to know how much she spends on her nails. (For the record, I don’t care what she spends on them). No problem.

So I go to bank and come home with cash in an envelope. 15 hundred dollar bills. She used a couple bills for something and the the envelope floated around the house for a week or so. One night as I was putting the dog (
There isn’t another shred of a bill anywhere. No sign of envelope. Later we’re standing in the yard trying to figure it out. She thinks they tore it up and it blew away. No way, wind wasn’t that hard. I get a paper towel and shred it, toss it around the yard. “See, not moving”. Other dog, 2yr old mix walks around and eats every single piece of paper towel I put down. A fucking vacuum.

Next day dog shits, I spray it down with the hose. Full of shredded money. I told her to write it off as a dumb mistake. No way. She’s got gloves on and is cleaning every shit from both dogs for the next week. It was only ever found in older dog. One day she’s going to tape the money back together and send it in as damaged currency. For now it’s in a pile in the laundry room, waiting to get lost or accidentally thrown away.

We have a conversation about never letting the dogs have free reign again while we’re gone. We have dog door and mud room set up specifically for them.

Fast forward to today. I’m running out with kids for school. She’s going walking with neighbor. “I’m leaving the dogs out, I won’t be gone very long,” she says. Sure? Ok. 8:30 I get a text with a pic asking what shit is on the floor. They are something of the kids that exploded and is stuck to our rug we got in Morocco a few years ago.

I really want to ask her when she’s going to learn. I feel like I know the answer.

tldr; dogs ate wife’s money, after she trusts them again they tore up shit and fucked up a rug.

[Beau Vine 55,874]

Oh good, there are potato chips left!

[mulletpelini 5,225]

6 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

If she ever does actually try to tape it back together please post pics here.

I feel like a knife an fork should be included for ol times sake

[kmac30 416]

As it sits now.

[nnm 37,978]

10 minutes ago, kmac30 said:

As it sits now.

You left out the h. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 22,313]

How’s the aroma?

[kmac30 416]

How’s the aroma?

Wife tried ironing it between parchment paper a while back. That brought out the deep stink. It has since been sprayed heavily with cleaner.

Remember this next time you get some “used” money. Never know where it’s been.

[mulletpelini 5,225]

corn, olives and 100's, who'da thunked.

[Clintonaldo 2,618]

If it floats, flys or fucks just rent the goddamn piece of shit. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,985]

I’m counting maybe $500? After the nails- looks like you’re down 7-800 bucks that won’t be salvageable?

[WhatTheBuck 28,937]

9 hours ago, kmac30 said:

I have been avoiding this thread, but cannot any longer.

My in-laws gave us a check around xmas for $1500. Wife asked me to get cash for her because if it goes into our bank account, it’ll be used for other things. Also, she doesn’t want me to know how much she spends on her nails. (For the record, I don’t care what she spends on them). No problem.

So I go to bank and come home with cash in an envelope. 15 hundred dollar bills. She used a couple bills for something and the the envelope floated around the house for a week or so. One night as I was putting the dog (
There isn’t another shred of a bill anywhere. No sign of envelope. Later we’re standing in the yard trying to figure it out. She thinks they tore it up and it blew away. No way, wind wasn’t that hard. I get a paper towel and shred it, toss it around the yard. “See, not moving”. Other dog, 2yr old mix walks around and eats every single piece of paper towel I put down. A fucking vacuum.

Next day dog shits, I spray it down with the hose. Full of shredded money. I told her to write it off as a dumb mistake. No way. She’s got gloves on and is cleaning every shit from both dogs for the next week. It was only ever found in older dog. One day she’s going to tape the money back together and send it in as damaged currency. For now it’s in a pile in the laundry room, waiting to get lost or accidentally thrown away.

We have a conversation about never letting the dogs have free reign again while we’re gone. We have dog door and mud room set up specifically for them.

Fast forward to today. I’m running out with kids for school. She’s going walking with neighbor. “I’m leaving the dogs out, I won’t be gone very long,” she says. Sure? Ok. 8:30 I get a text with a pic asking what shit is on the floor. They are something of the kids that exploded and is stuck to our rug we got in Morocco a few years ago.

I really want to ask her when she’s going to learn. I feel like I know the answer.

tldr; dogs ate wife’s money, after she trusts them again they tore up shit and fucked up a rug.

That’s funny. It reminds me of the time I was dog sitting for some friends’ pugs while they were out of town. I had a little plastic bag of weed that I placed on the center of their great big coffee table after having a little smoke and going to sleep on their couch. They put their dogs in cages at night and anytime they were away from home but I think that’s sort of cruel. So if they wanted to sleep with me on the couch, that’s  cool. The next morning I couldn’t find my bag of weed. It was a great big, tall, square coffee table and I couldn’t imagine that one of those little dogs could get up on there. But apparently one of them did because when I told my friend about how I lost my bag of weed he said that explained how he found it when it was spat out by the lawn mower a few days later. 

[Trey3216 15,452]

9 hours ago, kmac30 said:

As it sits now.

Her putting it back together gon be like

 

[Longboard Horn 41,371]

9 hours ago, kmac30 said:

As it sits now.

Edited April 22, 2021 by Longboard Horn
No pun intended

[Richard Kimball 1,523]

9 hours ago, kmac30 said:

As it sits now.

[kmac30 416]

I’m counting maybe $500? After the nails- looks like you’re down 7-800 bucks that won’t be salvageable?

It’s tough to see the ones in the back. I don’t believe there are 6 full bills here, just 6 Bens.

[Droopy 2,639]

16 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Oh good, there are potato chips left!

Well, this way she can still say she didn’t eat the whole bag. 🙄

[Beau Vine 55,874]

4 minutes ago, Droopy said:

Well, this way she can still say she didn’t eat the whole bag. 🙄

Basically.  Her whole family considers it rude to finish something.  At their house, every bag of chips, every box of crackers, every can of nuts is like this.  I once found a can containing one single almond in their pantry.  

[Grade of D as in David 13,255]

14 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Basically.  Her whole family considers it rude to finish something.  At their house, every bag of chips, every box of crackers, every can of nuts is like this.  I once found a can containing one single almond in their pantry.  

I hope you bit it in half and put the half almond back in the can

[davidg 4,058]

19 hours ago, kmac30 said:

tldr; dogs ate wife’s money, after she trusts them again they tore up shit and fucked up a rug.

 

Seen this on a hunting forum.  Dude followed his lab around for a week collecting ripped benjamins complete with pics.

ETA: and there they are.   

Edited April 22, 2021 by davidg

[NorthLoop 14,507]

18 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Oh good, there are potato chips left!

If that were my wife's doing there would be a slit all the way down the side 

[SquishMitten 10,497]

I’m counting maybe $500? After the nails- looks like you’re down 7-800 bucks that won’t be salvageable?

I count 6 faces of ol Ben

[Beau Vine 55,874]

36 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

If that were my wife's doing there would be a slit all the way down the side 

Well you see, I opened the bag.

[Armybrat 41,429]

10 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

That’s funny. It reminds me of the time I was dog sitting for some friends’ pugs while they were out of town. I had a little plastic bag of weed that I placed on the center of their great big coffee table after having a little smoke and going to sleep on their couch. They put their dogs in cages at night and anytime they were away from home but I think that’s sort of cruel. So if they wanted to sleep with me on the couch, that’s  cool. The next morning I couldn’t find my bag of weed. It was a great big, tall, square coffee table and I couldn’t imagine that one of those little dogs could get up on there. But apparently one of them did because when I told my friend about how I lost my bag of weed he said that explained how he found it when it was spat out by the lawn mower a few days later. 

Did he say how it smoked?

[NorthLoop 14,507]

9 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Well you see, I opened the bag.

oh that wouldn't matter

[SHOOTER12 8,888]

14 hours ago, kmac30 said:

As it shits now.

Fify

[Superhero 9,030]

1 hour ago, SquishMitten said:

I count 6 faces of ol Ben

Faces don’t count. You gotta have at least 51% of a bill in order to have it replaced. 
 

I hear it on NPR so it must be true. 

[Trey3216 15,452]

19 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Faces don’t count. You gotta have at least 51% of a bill in order to have it replaced. 
 

I hear it on NPR so it must be true. 

But did you hear about how people are buying gold in their portfolios?  

[WhatTheBuck 28,937]

2 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Did he say how it smoked?

It was some good shit.

[Paper_jam 852]

Some of those pieces are bigger than I would have expected. I guess dogs don't chew so good.

 

[kmac30 416]

Yeah, there are some big pieces. This is a bigger dog, weighs about 60+. They were folded rolled and looked small. As those were unfolded you would have thought she won the lottery. We should have taken more pics of the process.

[luke duke 6,452]

Yeah, it sounds petty.  But the constant comparisons comments that are annoying me, not the garden.   I heard the criticism, suggestion,  and the comparison the first time.  Why do I need to hear it 5 more times?

Spray some Roundup in her garden, then tell her how shitty it looks.

[Armybrat 41,429]

11 hours ago, kmac30 said:

Yeah, there are some big pieces. This is a bigger dog, weighs about 60+. They were folded rolled and looked small. As those were unfolded you would have thought she won the lottery. We should have taken more pics of the process.

Maybe those would have been more appropriate for the Shart thread?

[Nolacycling 893]

[Chopper 17,435]

Took the usual walk this morning with the wife. 25 years married. No pics. We see a female mallard on the creek with some very young ducklings. Then a male mallard swims up aggressively behind the female, she exits the creek and the male mounts her.

"Why is that male on top of the female duck," the wife asked.

I wish there were a punchline.

 

[Judge Roybeanbag 11,860]

On 4/22/2021 at 9:16 AM, davidg said:

 

Seen this on a hunting forum.  Dude followed his lab around for a week collecting ripped benjamins complete with pics.

ETA: and there they are.   

Long ago I lost my favorite guitar pick that had belonged to Billy Gibbons.  I thought it had been stuck under the pick guard of my guitar, leaning against the couch.  I was convinced one of my two Dalmatians had scarfed it up since they would eat anything off the floor, so I spent the next couple of days in the backyard poking apart their turds with a stick.  About a week later I found it under the couch cushion.  

Edited April 24, 2021 by Judge Roybeanbag

[nnm 37,978]

36 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Long ago I lost my favorite guitar pick that had belonged to Billy Gibbons.  I thought it had been stuck under the pick guard of my guitar, leaning against the couch.  I was convinced one of my two Dalmatians had scarfed it up since they would eat anything off the floor, so I spent the next couple of days in the backyard poking apart their turds with a stick.  About a week later I found it under the couch cushion.  

That’s not a stupid things wives do. That’s a stupid thing Judge RB did. 

[Modessit 5,667]

Took the usual walk this morning with the wife. 25 years married. No pics. We see a female mallard on the creek with some very young ducklings. Then a male mallard swims up aggressively behind the female, she exits the creek and the male mounts her.
"Why is that male on top of the female duck," the wife asked.
I wish there were a punchline.
 

Wife and I saw this happen when we were dating, only it was 2 or 3 males taking turns on a female. For a few months, we'd say to each other, "Wanna duck?" when talking about having sex.

[Armybrat 41,429]

Mrs. Brat went to Taylor High School. Duck talk is nothing new.

[Fudge Nuggets 19,467]

On 4/15/2021 at 4:17 PM, Johnny Sack said:

My wife is very clean and organized.  But she really, really does not like to throw computers away.  Apparently the Gateway 2000 laptop she used in college 20 years ago has a lot of sensitive data.  I took her last three laptops to the ranch and tossed them in the dump, finally.

Honey, have you seen my old laptop that has my 1,000 bitcoin collection stored on it?  I wonder if they’re worth anything today?

[Irwin F Fletcher 3,555]

It’s tough to see the ones in the back. I don’t believe there are 6 full bills here, just 6 Bens.

So this is what money laundering looks like.

[ABSR 5,370]

1 hour ago, Irwin F Fletcher said:

On 4/22/2021 at 7:24 AM, kmac30 said:

It’s tough to see the ones in the back. I don’t believe there are 6 full bills here, just 6 Bens.

So this is what money laundering looks like.

Shit, yeah!

[Superhero 9,030]

On 4/20/2021 at 2:13 AM, Superhero said:

Me: "Why are there toothpicks in the dishwasher?"

Her: "We only used them once for fruit, so I thought we'd use them again."

 

*** The kids brought home about 20 toothpicks from a restaurant on Saturday...

Uhhh... my 8 year old daughter just now...

”What happened to the toothpicks in the dishwasher?”

 

I weep for my future son in law. 

[Reagan1k 3,043]

My wife loves adding me into conversations mid stream- conversations she’s been having in her head.....  a long drive exposes this to a maddening level.

Narrator- During a pleasantly silent part of a long drive....

Her:  What were those two guys like?

Me: What are you talking about?

Her: I’m curious what they were like?

Me: Again what are you talking about?

Her: Sighing.... I was talking about the guys who came to the house to pick up stuff from the garage?

Me: Ok, but we weren’t talking about that and it was 3 weeks ago.

Rinse and repeat after every period of silence. 

Edited April 25, 2021 by Reagan1k

[NAVY 6,970]

Was watching UT KY volleyball. Wife is cheering at all the wrong shit. 
 

Despite watching me play volleyball every weekend every summer every year since we started dating, she just can’t get it right. 
 

Guess who gets busted for manspaining how women’s volleyball works? 

[markstanco 12,804]

Today I pulled up two $200 trees she had to have a few years ago that were still alive but decided they were ugly.

Fine with me actually, they were a PITA mowing around.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,779]

Was watching UT KY volleyball. Wife is cheering at all the wrong shit. 
 
Despite watching me play volleyball every weekend every summer every year since we started dating, she just can’t get it right. 
 
Guess who gets busted for manspaining how women’s volleyball works? 

I’ll bite. What could she be cheering for that is incorrect?

[Hmbre97 6,337]

Took the usual walk this morning with the wife. 25 years married. No pics. We see a female mallard on the creek with some very young ducklings. Then a male mallard swims up aggressively behind the female, she exits the creek and the male mounts her.
"Why is that male on top of the female duck," the wife asked.
I wish there were a punchline.
 

"Wow, she sure got out of the pond fast without much convincing. They must not be married yet."

[TKthunder2 5,059]

11 hours ago, markstanco said:

Today I pulled up two $200 trees she had to have a few years ago that were still alive but decided they were ugly.

Fine with me actually, they were a PITA mowing around.

Funny enough, I just planted a pair of $200 trees that she bought without consulting me.