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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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AUS-97HORN

AUS-97HORN 11577

Posted
Posted
On 4/21/2021 at 1:24 PM, kmac30 said:


tldr; dogs ate wife’s money, after she trusts them again they tore up shit and fucked up a rug.

@kmac30  you may already know this, but you dont need to tape all that together.  

 

the US govt literally does this for free. (other than the cost of you insuring the piles of money for your perceived value)

US Printing & Engraving

form you need to fill out

 

only downside is depending on their workload it can take 6-36 mo to get the money back

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kmac30

kmac30 416

Posted
Posted
[mention=253]kmac30[/mention]  you may already know this, but you dont need to tape all that together.  
 
the US govt literally does this for free. (other than the cost of you insuring the piles of money for your perceived value)
US Printing & Engraving
form you need to fill out
 
only downside is depending on their workload it can take 6-36 mo to get the money back

Not sure what she knows about it. It’s her deal at this point. But if that’s the case, I might fill that form out and send it off. She did tell me something about 36 months.
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wd40

wd40 1976

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, NAVY said:

Was watching UT KY volleyball. Wife is cheering at all the wrong shit. 
 

Despite watching me play volleyball every weekend every summer every year since we started dating, she just can’t get it right. 
 

Guess who gets busted for manspaining how women’s volleyball works? 

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1809

Posted
Posted
On 4/25/2021 at 12:13 PM, kmac30 said:


Not sure what she knows about it. It’s her deal at this point. But if that’s the case, I might fill that form out and send it off. She did tell me something about 36 months.

Here's another data point: if you tell her she doesn't have to tape it all together, you're dead to me

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Storm the Field

Storm the Field 5265

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 2/23/2021 at 4:10 PM, Storm the Field said:

There's this one schefflera that's she's had for like a decade and it's about 7' tall and 100+ lbs. After this last week, I told the wife that I'm never touching it again. She can either dig a hole and plant it or it suffers the ravages of frost next time.

Sweet Victory! Getting some landscaping work done this week and she went ahead and had them take the ungainly bastard out its pot and plant it. Never have to pick it up after tipping over (happens at least once a week) or drag it into the garage ever again. I win!!!!

Edited by Storm the Field
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CycleTex87

CycleTex87 2951

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Posted
13 hours ago, Tylerocks said:

My wife used 4 different knives to make her breakfast and lunch just now.

You know how I know?  

They're all still on the counter along with the cutting board.

You must have a whole block full of clean knives right on your kitchen counter like I do.  

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8349

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Posted
On 3/30/2021 at 9:55 PM, Pdawg88 said:

My wife eats a 30mg gummy last night as we are in bed and gets all smart of the sudden. Which she hasn’t done since the day I met her 17 years ago. 

Her: “I wish it wish I knew what it is like to be me”

Me: “aren’t you the only person who knows what it’s like to be you”?

On 4/23/2021 at 8:23 PM, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Long ago I lost my favorite guitar pick that had belonged to Billy Gibbons.  I thought it had been stuck under the pick guard of my guitar, leaning against the couch.  I was convinced one of my two Dalmatians had scarfed it up since they would eat anything off the floor, so I spent the next couple of days in the backyard poking apart their turds with a stick.  About a week later I found it under the couch cushion.  

What was that story on the old site...Just married dude walks in on his wife, who's just pinched a huge loaf, and she was poking it with a stick in the toilet bowl? Seems like there was an extra twist in there too. 

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BearMace

BearMace 2183

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Posted

Apparently everyone in her family had a poop knife and she didn't believe him that he'd never heard of the practice of having to cut your massive fucking turds into smaller pieces to get them to flush. Must have come from a long line of opioid addicts with butt plug fetishes.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17323

Posted
Posted
52 minutes ago, BearMace said:

Apparently everyone in her family had a poop knife and she didn't believe him that he'd never heard of the practice of having to cut your massive fucking turds into smaller pieces to get them to flush. Must have come from a long line of opioid addicts with butt plug fetishes.

200.gif

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Player

Player 4575

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, BearMace said:

Apparently everyone in her family had a poop knife and she didn't believe him that he'd never heard of the practice of having to cut your massive fucking turds into smaller pieces to get them to flush. Must have come from a long line of opioid addicts with butt plug fetishes.

I've tried several times, but I simply cannot read this sentence without hearing Frank's voice.

wyWO2AW.jpg

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davidg

davidg 4019

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

So did they walk around with their poop knife in their pocket for when they had to drop a deuce?  Did they each have a poop knife in something like a toothbrush holder in each bathroom?  What did they do if they had to poop away from home?  Inquiring minds want to know.

I believe there was a post about a rusty knife on a nail in the laundry room or some place like that.  Am I remembering that correctly? 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40626

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

So did they walk around with their poop knife in their pocket for when they had to drop a deuce?  Did they each have a poop knife in something like a toothbrush holder in each bathroom?  What did they do if they had to poop away from home?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Speak for yourself.

 

1E16E05B-5447-4136-A3AE-AF09FBD87B9D.jpeg

Edited by Armybrat
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Hmbre97

Hmbre97 6297

Posted
Posted

ROFL, poop knife story on the old board was my ex. We weren't newlyweds thank god. It was her first shit after coming home from the hospital after she had our oldest who is now 9, about to be 10. She got super constipated and gave birth again. It looked like a fucking Duraflame log that she was hacking up.

Edit: and yes, she had the sense enough to do it with a plastic knife


http://www.shaggytexas.com/board/showthread.php/69394-Wives-and-the-Stupid-Shit-They-Say-Do?p=11672271&viewfull=1#post11672271

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HornOnTheBayou

HornOnTheBayou 8864

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14 hours ago, NWBuck said:

https://www.amazon.com/Original-Poop-Knife-Gag-Gift/dp/B079NTNWNG 

I am not clicking on that link, because I don't need poop knife ads showing up in my browser, I don't want an email from Amazon about buying a poop knife, and I sure as hell don't want to see what is "frequently both together" with a poop knife.

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6642

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

I am not clicking on that link, because I don't need poop knife ads showing up in my browser, I don't want an email from Amazon about buying a poop knife, and I sure as hell don't want to see what is "frequently both together" with a poop knife.

You said "poop knife" 3x.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5209

Posted
Posted
On 4/24/2021 at 5:22 PM, Reagan1k said:

My wife loves adding me into conversations mid stream- conversations she’s been having in her head.....  a long drive exposes this to a maddening level.

Narrator- During a pleasantly silent part of a long drive....

Her:  What were those two guys like?

Me: What are you talking about?

Her: I’m curious what they were like?

Me: Again what are you talking about?

Her: Sighing.... I was talking about the guys who came to the house to pick up stuff from the garage?

Me: Ok, but we weren’t talking about that and it was 3 weeks ago.

Rinse and repeat after every period of silence. 

Every fucking week at least once.  Last one was the word "seven".

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4440

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Posted

Wife yesterday. 2 year old has been sick for a couple of days. Took her to the pediatrician Tuesday. No covid. No temp. just can't hold anything down. but nothing life threatening.

Wife (around 4:00 PM. I get off at 6:00) I'm taking baby to the ER. Just to be sure.

Me : Okay let me know when you check in and which hospital

Her : ER in Plano

Me : Okay. Which one. Text me when you have a room number

Her (around 5:30): Room 27. Can you bring me something to eat?

Me : Of course. What do you want? And which Hospital?

Her: Sandwich from Panera bread that I like. If it's on the way. If not, McDonalds is fine.

Me: I have no fucking idea if there is a Panera on the way, because I have idea what fucking hospital you are at. Can you maybe tell me what fucking hospital in Plano you're at? 

Her: Im at the one our freaking kid was born at. Go there!!!

Me: The Presby off 380 in McKinney?

Her: yeah. that one.

Me : Cool. There is a Panera across the street.

 

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Sam Lin

Sam Lin 3539

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19 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Me: I have no fucking idea if there is a Panera on the way, because I have idea what fucking hospital you are at. Can you maybe tell me what fucking hospital in Plano you're at? 

Her: Im at the one our freaking kid was born at. Go there!!!

Definitely tone from both sides.

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mininghorn88

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When daughter was a freshmen or so in high school she was babysitting our neighbor's daughter.  The neighbor's had several inside dogs.  The dogs got into a fight and in the ensuing melee of getting the child out of the way my daughter got nipped on her hand.  I am outside working in the yard and I see my daughter calmly walking down the street holding her hand up and walking with the kid.  We come inside so that I can clean it up and inspect the wound.  The wife (now ex) sees it and freaks out. This is early afternoon.

Ex:  She needs to go to the hospital.

Me: She will be fine.

Daughter:  It is fine mom.

Throughout the day the ex constantly tells me that I should take the daughter to the hospital.  Finally, to appease, her I agree.

Me:  Ok, I will take her to the hospital.  Let's go.

Ex:  I cannot go because I am going to have dinner with a friend.

Me: OK, never mind.  I will take her myself.

Get to the hospital and they ask what happened.  Tell them she was bitten by a dog.  Great.  Now the law has to come to make a report since it was a dog bite.  They have to come from the neighboring town where it happened. A solid hour plus wait.  The cop shows up.  We know him.  He is one of two cops in our town at the time.

After explaining the event and telling him not to worry about anything.

Cop:  Doesn't look too bad.  Your mom make you come up here?

Daughter and I: Yes..

Cop:  Well, good luck.

After more waiting. The doc comes in and inspects it.

Doc:  Who cleaned up your bite and bandaged it?

Me:  I did.

Doc:  You did a good job.  It will not require stitches are anything.  I will just bandage it back up and you will be good to go as it is not too bad.

He did give her a sling so that she could rest her arm in it.  After several hours away we are finally on our way home.  The daughter and I scheme a plan.

When we finally get home the ex is back.  The daughter walks in gingerly and is expressing a lot of pain and discomfort and is complaining about having to wear a sling for a minimum of a week.  Wife sees this and freaks out.

Ex:  I knew it was bad since you have been gone so long and she is in obvious pain.

Me: If you knew it was so bad why didn't you take her earlier or drop your plans and go with us?  You didn't even call us while we were away to check on her.

Ex: (no words)

Daughter and I could not keep the charade up any longer because we began to laugh. Ex not happy.

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Clintonaldo

Clintonaldo 2562

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Posted

W

4 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

When daughter was a freshmen or so in high school she was babysitting our neighbor's daughter.  The neighbor's had several inside dogs.  The dogs got into a fight and in the ensuing melee of getting the child out of the way my daughter got nipped on her hand.  I am outside working in the yard and I see my daughter calmly walking down the street holding her hand up and walking with the kid.  We come inside so that I can clean it up and inspect the wound.  The wife (now ex) sees it and freaks out. This is early afternoon.

Ex:  She needs to go to the hospital.

Me: She will be fine.

Daughter:  It is fine mom.

Throughout the day the ex constantly tells me that I should take the daughter to the hospital.  Finally, to appease, her I agree.

Me:  Ok, I will take her to the hospital.  Let's go.

Ex:  I cannot go because I am going to have dinner with a friend.

Me: OK, never mind.  I will take her myself.

Get to the hospital and they ask what happened.  Tell them she was bitten by a dog.  Great.  Now the law has to come to make a report since it was a dog bite.  They have to come from the neighboring town where it happened. A solid hour plus wait.  The cop shows up.  We know him.  He is one of two cops in our town at the time.

After explaining the event and telling him not to worry about anything.

Cop:  Doesn't look too bad.  Your mom make you come up here?

Daughter and I: Yes..

Cop:  Well, good luck.

After more waiting. The doc comes in and inspects it.

Doc:  Who cleaned up your bite and bandaged it?

Me:  I did.

Doc:  You did a good job.  It will not require stitches are anything.  I will just bandage it back up and you will be good to go as it is not too bad.

He did give her a sling so that she could rest her arm in it.  After several hours away we are finally on our way home.  The daughter and I scheme a plan.

When we finally get home the ex is back.  The daughter walks in gingerly and is expressing a lot of pain and discomfort and is complaining about having to wear a sling for a minimum of a week.  Wife sees this and freaks out.

Ex:  I knew it was bad since you have been gone so long and she is in obvious pain.

Me: If you knew it was so bad why didn't you take her earlier or drop your plans and go with us?  You didn't even call us while we were away to check on her.

Ex: (no words)

Daughter and I could not keep the charade up any longer because we began to laugh. Ex not happy.

Your ex sounds like a shitty mother. 

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Hate

Hate 20081

Posted
Posted
On 4/28/2021 at 6:51 AM, HornOnTheBayou said:

I am not clicking on that link, because I don't need poop knife ads showing up in my browser, I don't want an email from Amazon about buying a poop knife, and I sure as hell don't want to see what is "frequently both together" with a poop knife.

Hate to break it to you, but obviously poop knife entered your brain while yo were typing this.  You don't need to actually search it.  You only need to think about it these days. 

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15317

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Wife yesterday. 2 year old has been sick for a couple of days. Took her to the pediatrician Tuesday. No covid. No temp. just can't hold anything down. but nothing life threatening.

Wife (around 4:00 PM. I get off at 6:00) I'm taking baby to the ER. Just to be sure.

Me : Okay let me know when you check in and which hospital

Her : ER in Plano

Me : Okay. Which one. Text me when you have a room number

Her (around 5:30): Room 27. Can you bring me something to eat?

Me : Of course. What do you want? And which Hospital?

Her: Sandwich from Panera bread that I like. If it's on the way. If not, McDonalds is fine.

Me: I have no fucking idea if there is a Panera on the way, because I have idea what fucking hospital you are at. Can you maybe tell me what fucking hospital in Plano you're at? 

Her: Im at the one our freaking kid was born at. Go there!!!

Me: The Presby off 380 in McKinney?

Her: yeah. that one.

Me : Cool. There is a Panera across the street.

 

Mine has the same shit right now.   Some kinda damn stomach bug running rampant.  

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