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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18630

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

When daughter was a freshmen or so in high school she was babysitting our neighbor's daughter.  The neighbor's had several inside dogs.  The dogs got into a fight and in the ensuing melee of getting the child out of the way my daughter got nipped on her hand.  I am outside working in the yard and I see my daughter calmly walking down the street holding her hand up and walking with the kid.  We come inside so that I can clean it up and inspect the wound.  The wife (now ex) sees it and freaks out. This is early afternoon.

Ex:  She needs to go to the hospital.

Me: She will be fine.

Daughter:  It is fine mom.

Throughout the day the ex constantly tells me that I should take the daughter to the hospital.  Finally, to appease, her I agree.

Me:  Ok, I will take her to the hospital.  Let's go.

Ex:  I cannot go because I am going to have dinner with a friend.

Me: OK, never mind.  I will take her myself.

Get to the hospital and they ask what happened.  Tell them she was bitten by a dog.  Great.  Now the law has to come to make a report since it was a dog bite.  They have to come from the neighboring town where it happened. A solid hour plus wait.  The cop shows up.  We know him.  He is one of two cops in our town at the time.

After explaining the event and telling him not to worry about anything.

Cop:  Doesn't look too bad.  Your mom make you come up here?

Daughter and I: Yes..

Cop:  Well, good luck.

After more waiting. The doc comes in and inspects it.

Doc:  Who cleaned up your bite and bandaged it?

Me:  I did.

Doc:  You did a good job.  It will not require stitches are anything.  I will just bandage it back up and you will be good to go as it is not too bad.

He did give her a sling so that she could rest her arm in it.  After several hours away we are finally on our way home.  The daughter and I scheme a plan.

When we finally get home the ex is back.  The daughter walks in gingerly and is expressing a lot of pain and discomfort and is complaining about having to wear a sling for a minimum of a week.  Wife sees this and freaks out.

Ex:  I knew it was bad since you have been gone so long and she is in obvious pain.

Me: If you knew it was so bad why didn't you take her earlier or drop your plans and go with us?  You didn't even call us while we were away to check on her.

Ex: (no words)

Daughter and I could not keep the charade up any longer because we began to laugh. Ex not happy.

So did the ex marry the "friend " that dinner was with?

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8791

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Posted
Wife yesterday. 2 year old has been sick for a couple of days. Took her to the pediatrician Tuesday. No covid. No temp. just can't hold anything down. but nothing life threatening.
Wife (around 4:00 PM. I get off at 6:00) I'm taking baby to the ER. Just to be sure.
Me : Okay let me know when you check in and which hospital
Her : ER in Plano
Me : Okay. Which one. Text me when you have a room number
Her (around 5:30): Room 27. Can you bring me something to eat?
Me : Of course. What do you want? And which Hospital?
Her: Sandwich from Panera bread that I like. If it's on the way. If not, McDonalds is fine.
Me: I have no fucking idea if there is a Panera on the way, because I have idea what fucking hospital you are at. Can you maybe tell me what fucking hospital in Plano you're at? 
Her: Im at the one our freaking kid was born at. Go there!!!
Me: The Presby off 380 in McKinney?
Her: yeah. that one.
Me : Cool. There is a Panera across the street.
 

McDonald’s over whataburger? This ones on you for turning down WB
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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4440

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1 hour ago, Trey3216 said:

Mine has the same shit right now.   Some kinda damn stomach bug running rampant.  

Yeah, it's gone through our 2 year old, me, our 7 year old and my mom. My wife might have gotten it last night. It sucks.

 

And trust me if you get it. What you think is a fart is definitely not a fart.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15317

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Posted
49 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Yeah, it's gone through our 2 year old, me, our 7 year old and my mom. My wife might have gotten it last night. It sucks.

 

And trust me if you get it. What you think is a fart is definitely not a fart.

Wife, mother-in-law, sister-in-law and daughter have all had it.    I think I’m coming down with it As well.   I feel like absolute shit today, and it’s not from the beers I had last night 

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kmac30

kmac30 416

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I told my wife about the poop knife last night. I explained how it worked and then how there was a chick that would slice it up. She started dry heaving and almost puked. She couldn’t believe it was real.

I asked how she got all those pieces of bills sitting in our laundry room. She almost puked again.

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18630

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Posted
2 hours ago, Superhero said:

My average shower lasts < 5 minutes top to toes.

Her average shower is > 15 minutes.

Whenever I run the shower waiting for the water to warm up, even if it's still ice cold, she'll turn it off because I'm "wasting water". 

Cause it's all for her. 

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8791

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My average shower lasts Her average shower is > 15 minutes.
Whenever I run the shower waiting for the water to warm up, even if it's still ice cold, she'll turn it off because I'm "wasting water". 

Where the hell are you where she shuts it off? Why don’t you lock her out of the bathroom
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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14029

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Taking a sub 5 minute shower if you're not in the military is odd... 

 

Oh .. and your wife takes longer than 15 minutes? OH THE HORROR. My wife says "I'm taking a shower" and I'm like "sweet I have time to run to the beer store and back and drink 3 before she comes back downstairs". 

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ztejas

ztejas 43003

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1 hour ago, NorthLoop said:

I'm like "sweet I have time to run to the beer store and back and drink 3 before she comes back downstairs". 

Guess I'll see if I can sneak on for a quick twilight 9 at the muni down the street 

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Superhero

Superhero 8691

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Taking a sub 5 minute shower if you're not in the military is odd... 

 

Oh .. and your wife takes longer than 15 minutes? OH THE HORROR. My wife says "I'm taking a shower" and I'm like "sweet I have time to run to the beer store and back and drink 3 before she comes back downstairs". 

Unless you're brushing your teeth, shaving, or rubbing one out, what are you doing that takes more than 5 minutes?

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6642

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, Superhero said:

Unless you're brushing your teeth, shaving, or rubbing one out, what are you doing that takes more than 5 minutes?

Me, I'm over here setting land speed records... 5 minutes?  Only if the internet connection is crap.

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TTU13

TTU13 108

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Posted
Wife:  You need to give me your detailed plans for the upcoming holiday weekend so I know how I'm affected and can plan accordingly.
Me:  Pffffttt.  Plans.  Like I can have any fucking plans of my own without consulting with you and considering the kids.
Also Wife:  I am now telling you about my plans that I made without telling you or consulting with you or considering you.  Also, these plans might put our kids in danger since you won't be there.

Guess who is the one in trouble right now?

Highly highly highly recommend the shared calendar. My wife would make plans and not tell me until the day of.

New rule in our house if it’s not on the calendar I’m not obligated to go if I don’t want to. It’s done wonders. Best part is if I go, I get extra credit and cash that shit in right away.
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TTU13

TTU13 108

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So backstory, my wife’s dad passed away from cancer (pancreatic) at a young age. So I get she’s sensitive to the subject.

I like the occasional dip and also smoke the occasional cigar. Typically I buy cigars in bulk (way cheaper). She always gives me shit when I buy it and says “fine enjoy your cancer”. Makes it seem like I smoke a cigar daily, instead it’s usually 2 a month. The cigars I buy I usually only smoke half of them and share the other half with whoever I smoke them with.

Fast forward to yesterday we go to a cigar lounge to celebrate her brother moving close to us. She’s ripping those little cigars that look like blunts like they’re going out of style and saying how fun the cigar bar is.

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1809

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Posted
9 hours ago, TTU13 said:


Highly highly highly recommend the shared calendar. My wife would make plans and not tell me until the day of.

New rule in our house if it’s not on the calendar I’m not obligated to go if I don’t want to. It’s done wonders. Best part is if I go, I get extra credit and cash that shit in right away.

We have the exact same system, except that my wife ignores it entirely and does not give a shit if I point out it's not on the calendar.

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6642

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5 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

We have the exact same system, except that my wife ignores it entirely and does not give a shit if I point out it's not on the calendar.

Let me guess... "Damn, why do you have to be so anal about everything?"

(never mind that you might be the one who is driving 100+ miles a day & gawd forbid you miss one of the kid's activities that you were supposed to pick up / drop off for)

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tbone_

tbone_ 14016

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Highly highly highly recommend the shared calendar. My wife would make plans and not tell me until the day of.

New rule in our house if it’s not on the calendar I’m not obligated to go if I don’t want to. It’s done wonders. Best part is if I go, I get extra credit and cash that shit in right away.

Same. Except if it’s not on my calendar 99.9% chance I won’t be there. We just send invites to work calendars.
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Clintonaldo

Clintonaldo 2562

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Been telling my wife over and over that she needed to tell me where she wanted to eat for Mother’s Day and she didn’t and now everything is booked. This is her first one so I wanted it to be nice. She tells me we can just do Saturday instead. Saturday is the first day I am going to the family’s river house of the year and going boating. I give her the Big Al Borland

93bc316170a396b0a5406f4dc24743c5.gif


I don’t give a fuck at this point if we have to eat Sunday at Sonic in our fucking car I am not missing lake day.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17323

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17 minutes ago, Clintonaldo said:

Been telling my wife over and over that she needed to tell me where she wanted to eat for Mother’s Day and she didn’t and now everything is booked. This is her first one so I wanted it to be nice. She tells me we can just do Saturday instead. Saturday is the first day I am going to the family’s river house of the year and going boating. I give her the Big Al Borland

93bc316170a396b0a5406f4dc24743c5.gif


I don’t give a fuck at this point if we have to eat Sunday at Sonic in our fucking car I am not missing lake day.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

She fucked around and found out.

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Clintonaldo

Clintonaldo 2562

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

She fucked around and found out.

I’m the most diabolical hater this side of the Mississippi. Magically, she found somewhere that has a spot at 4 on Sunday but she is worried if it is too late to eat so whatever the fuck that means. I told her I wouldn’t tell if she wouldn’t. I can see her wheels turning. 

Edited by Clintonaldo
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nnm

nnm 35836

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Clintonaldo said:

Been telling my wife over and over that she needed to tell me where she wanted to eat for Mother’s Day and she didn’t and now everything is booked. This is her first one so I wanted it to be nice. She tells me we can just do Saturday instead. Saturday is the first day I am going to the family’s river house of the year and going boating. I give her the Big Al Borland

93bc316170a396b0a5406f4dc24743c5.gif


I don’t give a fuck at this point if we have to eat Sunday at Sonic in our fucking car I am not missing lake day.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The divorce thread is that way ——->

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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14029

Posted
Posted
On 5/4/2021 at 6:52 PM, Clintonaldo said:

Been telling my wife over and over that she needed to tell me where she wanted to eat for Mother’s Day and she didn’t and now everything is booked. This is her first one so I wanted it to be nice. She tells me we can just do Saturday instead. Saturday is the first day I am going to the family’s river house of the year and going boating. I give her the Big Al Borland

93bc316170a396b0a5406f4dc24743c5.gif


I don’t give a fuck at this point if we have to eat Sunday at Sonic in our fucking car I am not missing lake day.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This thread should teach you things. Things like - you should've known she wouldn't ever come up with a place. Honestly that's your job anyways. 

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kmac30

kmac30 416

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Posted

We have a window guy coming to measure our windows and talk about what we’re looking for in terms of replacements.
Wife just now “I want different quotes for different value windows”
Me “Guy is coming to measure, he’s not going to tell us anything about costs”
Wife “Ok, well I want to know how much these windows will be (pointing at a window)”
Me “He’s coming to measure. He’ll leave and then send a few quote”
Wife “(frustrated)Fine, I’ll just ask him if I’m back (taking kids to school)”

Should be a fun meeting

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, kmac30 said:

We have a window guy coming to measure our windows and talk about what we’re looking for in terms of replacements.
Wife just now “I want different quotes for different value windows”
Me “Guy is coming to measure, he’s not going to tell us anything about costs”
Wife “Ok, well I want to know how much these windows will be (pointing at a window)”
Me “He’s coming to measure. He’ll leave and then send a few quote”
Wife “(frustrated)Fine, I’ll just ask him if I’m back (taking kids to school)”

Should be a fun meeting

 

4 hours ago, kmac30 said:

Oh, and I noticed this last night:

89d64111618f792c3669d4a7d07a6e89.jpg

She's going to try to pay for the windows with chewed up and shat out 100 dollar bills isn't she.

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