Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Scheiss Meister 8,372]

Don't bet on that, mullet.  My mom had esophageal cancer and had to have her larynx removed.  She used a device that she held up to the bottom of her jaw and it vibrated against her jaw, providing the vibrations for her to talk.  One of my younger brothers did something stupid, and knew she would give him hell, so he hid her talker.  She laid into him anyway, squeaking out noises and wagging her finger in his face until he finally said, "Ok, I get it!  You don't have to yell at me about it!"  

TL:DR A woman don't need no damn vocal chords to holler at you.

[tbone_ 14,016]

That’s fucked up.

[Armybrat 40,623]

13 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

That’s fucked up.

No, that’s a mom that won’t abide any bullshit.

[Mach 1 1,676]

22 hours ago, Pig Bellmont said:

It wasn’t just the idea, I think a few grand was spent on a prototype. 

(raises hand)

That is correct, a prototype was indeed made and a silly brand name given.  However it was so improbable to actually function as intended (it actually had moving parts) it was quietly buried in our Closet of Once Great Ideas, alongside the oven mit coated with hand lotion and the Eskimo diamond mine adventure.

(I'm happy to report she pivoted to a good, successful venture, but that isn't funny and doesn't fit this thread, so forget it.)

[Scheiss Meister 8,372]

2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

That’s fucked up.

Life generally is.

Also what Armybrat said.

Edited May 19, 2021 by Scheiss Meister

[AUS-97HORN 11,577]

1 hour ago, Mach 1 said:

(raises hand)

That is correct, a prototype was indeed made and a silly brand name given.  However it was so improbable to actually function as intended (it actually had moving parts) it was quietly buried in our Closet of Once Great Ideas, alongside the oven mit coated with hand lotion and the Eskimo diamond mine adventure.

(I'm happy to report she pivoted to a good, successful venture, but that isn't funny and doesn't fit this thread, so forget it.)

i think you should present the competitors much more simplistic device shown above to her and report back to us the details of how its now your fault her idea (which was clearly great... -j/k-) didnt get past the prototype stage

[wd40 1,976]

1 hour ago, Mach 1 said:

(raises hand)

That is correct, a prototype was indeed made and a silly brand name given.  However it was so improbable to actually function as intended (it actually had moving parts) it was quietly buried in our Closet of Once Great Ideas, alongside the oven mit coated with hand lotion and the Eskimo diamond mine adventure.

(I'm happy to report she pivoted to a good, successful venture, but that isn't funny and doesn't fit this thread, so forget it.)

wait.  an oven mitt covered with hand lotion?  with some creative silkscreen and maybe some miniature foam-rubber tits, you'd have a goldmine there.

[Beau Vine 53,822]

I just gathered up 5 cups of water scattered across our living room.  None of them were mine, and none were less than half full. 

[ROFL BOX 6,642]

38 minutes ago, wd40 said:

wait.  an oven mitt covered with hand lotion?  with some creative silkscreen and maybe some miniature foam-rubber tits, you'd have a goldmine there.

Is the lotion on the inside or outside?

[Dennis Taylor 18,628]

49 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

Is the lotion on the inside or outside?

Whynotboth.gif

[Mach 1 1,676]

2 hours ago, wd40 said:

wait.  an oven mitt covered with hand lotion?  with some creative silkscreen and maybe some miniature foam-rubber tits, you'd have a goldmine there.

 

[mulletpelini 5,209]

2 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I just gathered up 5 cups of water scattered across our living room.  None of them were mine, and none were less than half full. 

ex-wife, one or two sips out of a diet coke can before opening another.  Almost as infuriating as just leaving the house about 5 mins down the road she'd say "hey pull thru that McD's I need a diet coke."

[place Superhero Jackiechan avatar here]

 

Edited May 20, 2021 by mulletpelini

[NorthLoop 14,029]

3 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I just gathered up 5 cups of water scattered across our living room.  None of them were mine, and none were less than half full. 

I see we both married the girl from "Signs".

[Mach 1 1,676]

23 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

He better hope she doesn't find this thread

Forgot to circle back on this-

Mullet, I've seen this kind of post before and my thought is always:  that same thing could be said about a majority of posts on this thread and others on this site.  But I look at it as doing my share to add some entertaining content, as others do on a daily basis.  It's the only reason I come back (to read interesting and entertaining content).

Edited May 20, 2021 by Mach 1

[conVINCEd 21,468]

5 hours ago, Mach 1 said:

(raises hand)

That is correct, a prototype was indeed made and a silly brand name given.  However it was so improbable to actually function as intended (it actually had moving parts) it was quietly buried in our Closet of Once Great Ideas, alongside the oven mit coated with hand lotion and the Eskimo diamond mine adventure.

(I'm happy to report she pivoted to a good, successful venture, but that isn't funny and doesn't fit this thread, so forget it.)

So she’s sucking dick for money?

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

9 hours ago, Mach 1 said:

(raises hand)

That is correct, a prototype was indeed made and a silly brand name given.  However it was so improbable to actually function as intended (it actually had moving parts) it was quietly buried in our Closet of Once Great Ideas, alongside the oven mit coated with hand lotion and the Eskimo diamond mine adventure.

(I'm happy to report she pivoted to a good, successful venture, but that isn't funny and doesn't fit this thread, so forget it.)

So she found the sugar baby thread.

[wd40 1,976]

9 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

I see we both married the girl from "Signs".

yeah.  opportunity missed, there, Merrill.

[hullabelew 3,698]

Rhetorically question, I know but fuck me running.

We head out kayaking.  Loading up is always a fucking a beating when wife is around...."did you did this,,,,where is my......did you get my....did you remember.....  Put I'm always cool with it because one you hit the water, peace and calm and zen and shit.  Called the place....they are still releasing from the dam....PERFECT!  

Get there...unload the fucking boats and get everything set up.  Then the chick from the hatchery shows up to unload 2,300 lbs of brown trout into the river.  Always fun to watch.  Then start getting ready to lead and some asshole walks up and says, "You shouldn't put in now."  I will spare you the back and forth between that asshole, myself and my wife.  Essentially, he was saying we can't put in because it is dangerous.  You can put in lower below the dam but not here.   Do you work for the park service, sheriff's office, DNR, police, fire, swift water rescue, lake authority?  Nope.  

Wife decides she doesn't want to go because "it might not be safe".   I was beyond pissed.  Why if the fucking hell do wives listen to other people before their husbands.  Usually it is a friend who says that Man of War of the best race horse of the 70s while watching the Preakness....but this motherfucker was just walking thru the parking lot.  Never mind that the chick who WORKS ON THE FUCKING RIVER EVERY DAY didn't say a fucking thing about it.  And never mind that I'M the one who took the day off work, loaded and unloaded everything up and she is going to believe some asshole who tells her 'we can't go.'.  

Usually this shit is funny...but this happened Monday and I'm still beyond pissed.  Then, yesterday....she says, "When are we going kayaking?"  Never, with her, as far as I'm concerned.  "When are you going to put the kayaks back in the basement (They are in the garage right now and she can't park....well, two of them are...the other two are STILL ON MY FUCKING PICKUP.  

I should have just put my fucking boat in the water and left.   Actually didn't think of that until later because I was so fucking pissed.    Yesterday, I finally calmed down a tiny bit and asked her, "Why did you listen to him...some dumb bastard you have NEVER met and will never meet again.  "I had a bad feeling about the river that day."  

Will someone please kill me.

[BayouBill 834]

8 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

  Why if the fucking hell do wives listen to other people before their husbands. 

This. It makes me want to swan dive off the Frost tower anytime a friend tells her something I've told her countless times, but only then does she actually listen to it.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

26 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

"I had a bad feeling about the river that day." 

I wish you'd said that instead of "I do".

[hullabelew 3,698]

I wish you'd said that instead of "I do".

Ain't that the fucking truff.

[Thatguy 8,291]

On 5/17/2021 at 3:27 PM, Buzzrock said:

Debated shitty parking thread or this one, but this one’s more fun.

Apparently it’s park wherever the fuck you want day at our house:



So I joined in:

  

    Bought the wife a new Audi for Christmas. The end of January she puts two huge bubbles on both right side tires coming out of Halal Guys. Drives it right across the street to the Audi dealership. Lol. My kid tells me that she did it and she doesn't wanna tell me. Shortly thereafter she tells me and it feels like they were working together to soften the blow. In February I walk out to see a huge crack on the windshield. She swears it happened when I was driving. Of course. It happened the two times I drove the car instead of her driving it everyday. A few weeks ago I walk outside and there is a nail in the side wall of, you guessed it, the very same tire we just replaced. Car is just north of 5k miles.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,720]

The river was angry that day my friend.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

53 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

The river was angry that day my friend.

[TrashMaster G 17,323]

3 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Rhetorically question, I know but fuck me running.

We head out kayaking.  Loading up is always a fucking a beating when wife is around...."did you did this,,,,where is my......did you get my....did you remember.....  Put I'm always cool with it because one you hit the water, peace and calm and zen and shit.  Called the place....they are still releasing from the dam....PERFECT!  

Get there...unload the fucking boats and get everything set up.  Then the chick from the hatchery shows up to unload 2,300 lbs of brown trout into the river.  Always fun to watch.  Then start getting ready to lead and some asshole walks up and says, "You shouldn't put in now."  I will spare you the back and forth between that asshole, myself and my wife.  Essentially, he was saying we can't put in because it is dangerous.  You can put in lower below the dam but not here.   Do you work for the park service, sheriff's office, DNR, police, fire, swift water rescue, lake authority?  Nope.  

Wife decides she doesn't want to go because "it might not be safe".   I was beyond pissed.  Why if the fucking hell do wives listen to other people before their husbands.  Usually it is a friend who says that Man of War of the best race horse of the 70s while watching the Preakness....but this motherfucker was just walking thru the parking lot.  Never mind that the chick who WORKS ON THE FUCKING RIVER EVERY DAY didn't say a fucking thing about it.  And never mind that I'M the one who took the day off work, loaded and unloaded everything up and she is going to believe some asshole who tells her 'we can't go.'.  

Usually this shit is funny...but this happened Monday and I'm still beyond pissed.  Then, yesterday....she says, "When are we going kayaking?"  Never, with her, as far as I'm concerned.  "When are you going to put the kayaks back in the basement (They are in the garage right now and she can't park....well, two of them are...the other two are STILL ON MY FUCKING PICKUP.  

I should have just put my fucking boat in the water and left.   Actually didn't think of that until later because I was so fucking pissed.    Yesterday, I finally calmed down a tiny bit and asked her, "Why did you listen to him...some dumb bastard you have NEVER met and will never meet again.  "I had a bad feeling about the river that day."  

Will someone please kill me.

If you're still this pissed about this three days later, you might want to talk to someone.  You seem a little tightly wound.

 

Or maybe you just need to get laid.

[nnm 35,829]

1 hour ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

The river was angry that day my friend.

[Trey3216 15,317]

Wife about 4 days ago, calls me from work 3 times in a row while I'm trying to get prepped for an important meeting.  Then texts me "answer your damn phone!!!!"

I call her back, and she proceeds with "is there like a gas shortage or something?  Suzie Q and I were talking and her husband told her there's a gas shortage"

I say, "Don't you think if I thought it was a big deal for us here in Texas, I would have already warned you about that?"  

She says," well yeah, but Suzie Q's husband is really worried!"

I say, "What does he do for a living?  Does he deal with markets and shit and knows how all that stuff works?" 

"No"

"Well then, don't you think I'd have told you if it was something to worry about, and that Suzie Q's husband needs to stop freaking out?"

"Well yeah, but.."

"We're fine babe, I gotta go back to work"

tone... 

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

Exhibit 2934024 in the case of "Other Guy with Random Advice v. Husband"

[gyroprotagonist 2,591]

4 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Rhetorically question, I know but fuck me running.

We head out kayaking.  Loading up is always a fucking a beating when wife is around...."did you did this,,,,where is my......did you get my....did you remember.....  Put I'm always cool with it because one you hit the water, peace and calm and zen and shit.  Called the place....they are still releasing from the dam....PERFECT!  

Get there...unload the fucking boats and get everything set up.  Then the chick from the hatchery shows up to unload 2,300 lbs of brown trout into the river.  Always fun to watch.  Then start getting ready to lead and some asshole walks up and says, "You shouldn't put in now."  I will spare you the back and forth between that asshole, myself and my wife.  Essentially, he was saying we can't put in because it is dangerous.  You can put in lower below the dam but not here.   Do you work for the park service, sheriff's office, DNR, police, fire, swift water rescue, lake authority?  Nope.  

Wife decides she doesn't want to go because "it might not be safe".   I was beyond pissed.  Why if the fucking hell do wives listen to other people before their husbands.  Usually it is a friend who says that Man of War of the best race horse of the 70s while watching the Preakness....but this motherfucker was just walking thru the parking lot.  Never mind that the chick who WORKS ON THE FUCKING RIVER EVERY DAY didn't say a fucking thing about it.  And never mind that I'M the one who took the day off work, loaded and unloaded everything up and she is going to believe some asshole who tells her 'we can't go.'.  

Usually this shit is funny...but this happened Monday and I'm still beyond pissed.  Then, yesterday....she says, "When are we going kayaking?"  Never, with her, as far as I'm concerned.  "When are you going to put the kayaks back in the basement (They are in the garage right now and she can't park....well, two of them are...the other two are STILL ON MY FUCKING PICKUP.  

I should have just put my fucking boat in the water and left.   Actually didn't think of that until later because I was so fucking pissed.    Yesterday, I finally calmed down a tiny bit and asked her, "Why did you listen to him...some dumb bastard you have NEVER met and will never meet again.  "I had a bad feeling about the river that day."  

Will someone please kill me.

next boat trip?

[nnm 35,829]

1 hour ago, Trey3216 said:

Wife about 4 days ago, calls me from work 3 times in a row while I'm trying to get prepped for an important meeting.  Then texts me "answer your damn phone!!!!"

I call her back, and she proceeds with "is there like a gas shortage or something?  Suzie Q and I were talking and her husband told her there's a gas shortage"

I say, "Don't you think if I thought it was a big deal for us here in Texas, I would have already warned you about that?"  

She says," well yeah, but Suzie Q's husband is really worried!"

I say, "What does he do for a living?  Does he deal with markets and shit and knows how all that stuff works?" 

"No"

"Well then, don't you think I'd have told you if it was something to worry about, and that Suzie Q's husband needs to stop freaking out?"

"Well yeah, but.."

"We're fine babe, I gotta go back to work"

tone... 

Gonna need more info about Suzie Q . . .

[wd40 1,976]

7 minutes ago, nnm said:

Gonna need more info about Suzie Q . . .

[TKthunder2 4,968]

1 hour ago, Trey3216 said:

Wife about 4 days ago, calls me from work 3 times in a row while I'm trying to get prepped for an important meeting.  Then texts me "answer your damn phone!!!!"

If my wife ever does this for anything less than a true emergency I would be livid and do this back to her for the next like two weeks everyday to ask dumbass questions until I get my point across.

[SHOOTER12 8,771]

2 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

If you're still this pissed about this three days later, you might want to talk to someone.  You seem a little tightly wound.

 

Or maybe you just need to get laid.

She had a funny feeling about sex today....

[tbone_ 14,016]

If my wife ever does this for anything less than a true emergency I would be livid and do this back to her for the next like two weeks everyday to ask dumbass questions until I get my point across.

That oughta work really well

[956 Worldwide 34,197]

On 5/14/2021 at 4:15 PM, SquishMitten said:

Yeah. For most women, once kids are in the picture Mother’s Day becomes more important than their birthday or Valentine’s. Until the kids are grown, it’s our job to make it special for them. Took me a while to learn that lesson, and I still manage to fuck it up sometimes.

I’ll pay some surlster with young kids 200 American dollars to do nothing next year and explain to her that “you’re not MY mom.”  Report back. 

[Superhero 8,689]

4 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

If you're still this pissed about this three days later, you might want to talk to someone.  You seem a little tightly wound.

 

Or maybe you just need to get laid.

Shit, I haven't really talked to my wife since Sunday. She got "passionate" (i.e. yelling at me) because I told her she didn't need to back out of a parking spot when there's no car in front of her.  (yeah yeah, passenger needs to STFU).

I kept my cool and said we'd talk when she calmed down.

Tuesday morning rolls around and I tell her that she's been losing her shit at the family a lot the past few weeks. Her response? "I WOULDN'T YELL IF YOU DIDN'T KEEP MAKING ME MAD".

So yeah... I'm hanging out with the kids and doing my own stuff. Kinda nice not having to talk to her and listen to her insecurities.

[hullabelew 3,698]

2 hours ago, TKthunder2 said:

If my wife ever does this for anything less than a true emergency I would be livid and do this back to her for the next like two weeks everyday to ask dumbass questions until I get my point across.

Point will never be approached, much less crossed.  At least from my experience.  

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

1 hour ago, Superhero said:

Shit, I haven't really talked to my wife since Sunday. She got "passionate" (i.e. yelling at me) because I told her she didn't need to back out of a parking spot when there's no car in front of her.  (yeah yeah, passenger needs to STFU).

I kept my cool and said we'd talk when she calmed down.

Tuesday morning rolls around and I tell her that she's been losing her shit at the family a lot the past few weeks. Her response? "I WOULDN'T YELL IF YOU DIDN'T KEEP MAKING ME MAD".

So yeah... I'm hanging out with the kids and doing my own stuff. Kinda nice not having to talk to her and listen to her insecurities.

She's going to fuck up her front bumper on a curb or parking block and blame you.

[Tylerocks 2,544]

This happens a couple times a month or so.

Leaving the house, going to dinner or a friends house or something. 

Waits until we're down the street or around the corner and asks "Did the garage door close?"

Now, to me..I know I closed it.  it's part of the process of backing out of the driveway...but those words automatically make you second guess.

Turn the fucking car around and do the drive by. SMH

[Dennis Taylor 18,628]

2 hours ago, Superhero said:

Shit, I haven't really talked to my wife since Sunday. She got "passionate" (i.e. yelling at me) because I told her she didn't need to back out of a parking spot when there's no car in front of her.  (yeah yeah, passenger needs to STFU).

I kept my cool and said we'd talk when she calmed down.

Tuesday morning rolls around and I tell her that she's been losing her shit at the family a lot the past few weeks. Her response? "I WOULDN'T YELL IF YOU DIDN'T KEEP MAKING ME MAD".

So yeah... I'm hanging out with the kids and doing my own stuff. Kinda nice not having to talk to her and listen to her insecurities.

Do these outbursts happen with any sort of regularity? Can you sense a pattern to this irrational behavior?

[Clintonaldo 2,562]

13 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Rhetorically question, I know but fuck me running.

We head out kayaking.  Loading up is always a fucking a beating when wife is around...."did you did this,,,,where is my......did you get my....did you remember.....  Put I'm always cool with it because one you hit the water, peace and calm and zen and shit.  Called the place....they are still releasing from the dam....PERFECT!  

Get there...unload the fucking boats and get everything set up.  Then the chick from the hatchery shows up to unload 2,300 lbs of brown trout into the river.  Always fun to watch.  Then start getting ready to lead and some asshole walks up and says, "You shouldn't put in now."  I will spare you the back and forth between that asshole, myself and my wife.  Essentially, he was saying we can't put in because it is dangerous.  You can put in lower below the dam but not here.   Do you work for the park service, sheriff's office, DNR, police, fire, swift water rescue, lake authority?  Nope.  

Wife decides she doesn't want to go because "it might not be safe".   I was beyond pissed.  Why if the fucking hell do wives listen to other people before their husbands.  Usually it is a friend who says that Man of War of the best race horse of the 70s while watching the Preakness....but this motherfucker was just walking thru the parking lot.  Never mind that the chick who WORKS ON THE FUCKING RIVER EVERY DAY didn't say a fucking thing about it.  And never mind that I'M the one who took the day off work, loaded and unloaded everything up and she is going to believe some asshole who tells her 'we can't go.'.  

Usually this shit is funny...but this happened Monday and I'm still beyond pissed.  Then, yesterday....she says, "When are we going kayaking?"  Never, with her, as far as I'm concerned.  "When are you going to put the kayaks back in the basement (They are in the garage right now and she can't park....well, two of them are...the other two are STILL ON MY FUCKING PICKUP.  

I should have just put my fucking boat in the water and left.   Actually didn't think of that until later because I was so fucking pissed.    Yesterday, I finally calmed down a tiny bit and asked her, "Why did you listen to him...some dumb bastard you have NEVER met and will never meet again.  "I had a bad feeling about the river that day."  

Will someone please kill me.

God I hate saying this because you are phenomenal poster here but you completely fucked this up. You get in the goddamn boat and you fucking leave. 

[Superhero 8,689]

4 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Do these outbursts happen with any sort of regularity? Can you sense a pattern to this irrational behavior?

She's generally a grumpy person, but especially so the past few weeks. It's mostly likely a combination of her being on the rag, me being in training, her kicking off a new project at work, planning our daughter's birthday, and us gearing up for a full kitchen renovation.

Stressful times for sure.

[HornOnTheBayou 8,863]

20 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

If you're still this pissed about this three days later, you might want to talk to someone.  You seem a little tightly wound.

 

Or maybe you just need to get laid.

Maybe he just needs a hobby that helps him relax. You know, like kayaking or something.

[Buzzrock 14,790]

That’s a great idea.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

8 hours ago, Superhero said:

She's generally a grumpy person, but especially so the past few weeks. It's mostly likely a combination of her being on the rag, me being in training, her kicking off a new project at work, planning our daughter's birthday, and us gearing up for a full kitchen renovation.

Stressful times for sure.

Does she know that a blowjob will help?

[hullabelew 3,698]

10 hours ago, Clintonaldo said:

God I hate saying this because you are phenomenal poster here but you completely fucked this up. You get in the goddamn boat and you fucking leave. 

Honestly, if I had thought of it at the time, I would have.  Just get in the boat and keep going until I hit the Gulf of Fucking Mexico, then decide what I'm going to do.  I was just so fucking pissed at the time I was seeing stars.  It wasn't until about an hour later that I thought of it.   I honestly have never been more pissed at her than I still am, and it has been 4 fucking days.  

[baboso 6,043]

14 hours ago, Tylerocks said:

This happens a couple times a month or so.

Leaving the house, going to dinner or a friends house or something. 

Waits until we're down the street or around the corner and asks "Did the garage door close?"

Now, to me..I know I closed it.  it's part of the process of backing out of the driveway...but those words automatically make you second guess.

Turn the fucking car around and do the drive by. SMH

The Chamberlain MyQ app pays for itself with shit like this.  You can see the status of your garage door on your phone.

[baboso 6,043]

double.

Edited May 21, 2021 by baboso
shit's borked.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,770]

1 hour ago, hullabelew said:

Honestly, if I had thought of it at the time, I would have.  Just get in the boat and keep going until I hit the Gulf of Fucking Mexico, then decide what I'm going to do.  I was just so fucking pissed at the time I was seeing stars.  It wasn't until about an hour later that I thought of it.   I honestly have never been more pissed at her than I still am, and it has been 4 fucking days.  

File for divorce.  That'll get the point across

[Tylerocks 2,544]

1 hour ago, baboso said:

The Chamberlain MyQ app pays for itself with shit like this.  You can see the status of your garage door on your phone.

Holy Shit.  I love this place.

Someone is getting this for their birthday!