Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[ROFL BOX 6655]

On 5/20/2021 at 6:56 AM, BayouBill said:

This. It makes me want to swan dive off the Frost tower anytime a friend tells her some rando person tells my kid something I've told her them countless times, but only then does she they actually listen to it

.

 

[hullabelew 3730]

2 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

File for divorce.  That'll get the point across

If she would just go along with my plan to take her kayaking on an 'unsafe water day', this would handle itself.    Never mind. Forget I said that....who hijacked my account?  What?  

[tbone_ 14455]

File for divorce.  That'll get the point across

Sometimes it’s the only way. Even then, very debatable if the point ever actually gets across.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22311]

Maybe not, but eventually you don't have to listen to it anymore

[Armybrat 41420]

20 hours ago, Superhero said:

Shit, I haven't really talked to my wife since Sunday. She got "passionate" (i.e. yelling at me) because I told her she didn't need to back out of a parking spot when there's no car in front of her.  (yeah yeah, passenger needs to STFU).

I kept my cool and said we'd talk when she calmed down.

Tuesday morning rolls around and I tell her that she's been losing her shit at the family a lot the past few weeks. Her response? "I WOULDN'T YELL IF YOU DIDN'T KEEP MAKING ME MAD".

So yeah... I'm hanging out with the kids and doing my own stuff. Kinda nice not having to talk to her and listen to her insecurities.

Divorce thread is over there somewhere >>>>>>>>>

[NeverMarryAStripper 22311]

Maybe she just needs some of those period panties

Edited May 21, 2021 by NeverMarryAStripper

[Ten Bears 2500]

I find that if you gently point out that her irrational behavior has a monthly pattern to it she will genuflect and try to temper her behavior accordingly when her menses starts.

[Sandman 3435]

Sitting at the table with my kids and their friend, just shooting the shit. The question comes up "What's your favorite fictitious animal?"

Wife: "Hmm, a narwhal, I guess?" 

Me: "Uhh, those are a real thing."

Wife: "Really? Oh. Unicorn then."

I'm actually proud she had heard the word narwhal and knew it was some kind of animal.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18963]

4 hours ago, hullabelew said:

If she would just go along with my plan to take her kayaking on an 'unsafe water day', this would handle itself.    Never mind. Forget I said that....who hijacked my account?  What?  

You should take up fishing instead.

[wd40 1976]

1 hour ago, Ten Bears said:

I find that if you gently point out that her irrational behavior has a monthly pattern to it she will genuflect and try to temper her behavior accordingly when her menses starts.

[Superhero 9028]

9 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Does she know that a blowjob will help?

You sir are a wise man.

Gave her a little hug last night, which led to us getting naked in a hurry, her giving me an above average beej, and for the final act, me taking her to pound town. Everything is good today.

 

[nnm 37949]

11 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Honestly, if I had thought of it at the time, I would have.  Just get in the boat and keep going until I hit the Gulf of Fucking Mexico, then decide what I'm going to do.  I was just so fucking pissed at the time I was seeing stars.  It wasn't until about an hour later that I thought of it.   I honestly have never been more pissed at her than I still am, and it has been 4 fucking days.  

The divorce thread is that way ——>

dang it, @Armybrat beat me to it. 

Edited May 21, 2021 by nnm

[nnm 37949]

10 hours ago, baboso said:

The Chamberlain MyQ app pays for itself with shit like this.  You can see the status of your garage door on your phone.

Yeah, I use Nexx garage. Easy installation of the sensors and I can see the status, and open and close remotely. 

[hullabelew 3730]

1 hour ago, Superhero said:

You sir are a wise man.

Gave her a little hug last night, which led to us getting naked in a hurry, her giving me an above average beej, and for the final act, me taking her to pound town. Everything is good today.

 

Hope your wife doesn't find out.  

[NWBuck 8630]

On 5/20/2021 at 3:21 PM, Tylerocks said:

This happens a couple times a month or so.

Leaving the house, going to dinner or a friends house or something. 

Waits until we're down the street or around the corner and asks "Did the garage door close?"

Now, to me..I know I closed it.  it's part of the process of backing out of the driveway...but those words automatically make you second guess.

Turn the fucking car around and do the drive by. SMH

We had this problem until I started sitting in driveway and singing "The Door Is Closed!!" at full volume when it touched down. 

The fact that my daughter would do it too when I wasn't in the car only kicked it up to the next level. 

[Dennis Taylor 19369]

20 hours ago, Ten Bears said:

I find that if you gently point out that her irrational behavior has a monthly pattern to it she will genuflect and try to temper her behavior accordingly when her menses starts.

18 hours ago, Superhero said:

You sir are a wise man.

Gave her a little hug last night, which led to us getting naked in a hurry, her giving me an above average beej, and for the final act, me taking her to pound town. Everything is good today.

 

[Thatguy 9398]

   A couple months back I was at work talking to a couple guys. One of the guys was talking about how his wife had like 3 Amazon deliveries in a week. I laughed and told him we get a delivery almost daily. He did not believe me, so I opened my email and we counted. 19 deliveries in 22 days. His next question was why don't we just do one big order. My answer was......

 

 

 

[ROFL BOX 6655]

On 5/21/2021 at 3:19 PM, Ten Bears said:

I find that if you gently point out that her irrational behavior has a monthly pattern to it she will genuflect and try to temper her behavior accordingly when her menses starts.

I imagine if you tried that, you'd have 9 bears left.

[Modessit 5667]

   A couple months back I was at work talking to a couple guys. One of the guys was talking about how his wife had like 3 Amazon deliveries in a week. I laughed and told him we get a delivery almost daily. He did not believe me, so I opened my email and we counted. 19 deliveries in 22 days. His next question was why don't we just do one big order. My answer was......
 
 
 

Amateur. I've delivered 4 or 5 boxes at a time to the same house 4 days in a row. The husband told me his wife keeps Amazon in business.

[Dennis Taylor 19369]

Been in Austin all weekend for son's graduation...we are leaving the hotel and I'm carrying bags and shit, both hands full and another bag on my shoulder. She's walikng behind me pulling a small cooler and I hear a thud and the sound of water flowing...the floor changed from carpet to tile and there was a small lip, causing cooler to tump over spilling water and a little ice on the floor.

Is this:

A- her fault

B- my fault

C- the floor's fault 

D- the cooler's fault

E- B and C

F- B, C, and D

 

Bonus question:

Who cleaned up the mess?

A- her

B- me

Edited May 23, 2021 by Dennis Taylor

[Sam Lin 3602]

What kind of dumb question is this?

Answer is obviously:

 

Edited May 24, 2021 by Sam Lin
fix the embed

[Fudge Nuggets 19465]

On 5/21/2021 at 6:20 PM, nnm said:

Yeah, I use Nexx garage. Easy installation of the sensors and I can see the status, and open and close remotely. 

I use my eyes.

[ROFL BOX 6655]

1 hour ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Been in Austin all weekend for son's graduation...we are leaving the hotel and I'm carrying bags and shit, both hands full and another bag on my shoulder. She's walikng behind me pulling a small cooler and I hear a thud and the sound of water flowing...the floor changed from carpet to tile and there was a small lip, causing cooler to tump over spilling water and a little ice on the floor.

Is this:

A- her fault

B- my fault

C- the floor's fault 

D- the cooler's fault

E- B and C

F- B, C, and D

 

Bonus question:

Who cleaned up the mess?

A- her

B- me

Unless you had some sort of "tone" in your response to "wife who dumped cooler", I'm not really certain how to respond to you.

[Droopy 2639]

Ok...

 

It’s your worst nightmare. You’re peacefully sleeping then, suddenly, your brain kicks on and the thought ,”Did I just hear something/someone in my house?” The dog at the foot of the bed picks up her head and begins a low growl. (Fuck.) Opening your eyes into darkness only to see a light glowing from your stairwell. (Fuck me.)

Call out daughter’s name no answer. (No pics)

Call out again, while grabbing my pistol, no answer. I get out of bed, and slip on my shoes. Wife wakes up and asks what I’m doing. I reply softly that the dog and I heard a noise downstairs and I see a light moving around. She replies, “Holy Shit!”

I put my left index finger to my lips and my Heart is pounding. I slowly turn my head to look down the hall. Nothing there but still see the light trembling in the dark. I start creeping down the hall foot over foot like a Navy SEAL. I check my daughter’s door and slowly look in to see that she is still sleeping, but I hear another, much louder noise. My Maltese-Poodle mix is right by my side not moving a muscle and focused on my movements. Gun is ready and so am I, as I cautiously peer down the stairs and hear a door open and close hard!! Heart is pounding hard.
My eyes follow the light and I can see that it’s an LED nightlight that my daughter had placed precariously on a shelf by the stairs that had fallen and turned on causing the glowing/moving light. I turn on all of the lights and quickly check my doors and windows. No intruders, but I hear a flushing toilet... upstairs.

I go back to our bedroom to see my wife just getting back in bed and this was the exchange:

wife: What happened? Is everything ok?!

me: Yes. It was the light daughter put on the table, but what the fuck were you doing?!?

wife: I had to use the bathroom.

me: while I’m walking downstairs with my gun looking for a possible intruder?!?

wife: ...I had to pee. What was I supposed to do?

me: At the very least, not make any GD noise.

wife: tone.

 

[ROFL BOX 6655]

Or... @ least don't actually FLUSH the damn toilet, woman!

[Trey3216 15452]

43 minutes ago, Droopy said:

Ok...

 

It’s your worst nightmare. You’re peacefully sleeping then, suddenly, your brain kicks on and the thought ,”Did I just hear something/someone in my house?” The dog at the foot of the bed picks up her head and begins a low growl. (Fuck.) Opening your eyes into darkness only to see a light glowing from your stairwell. (Fuck me.)

Call out daughter’s name no answer. (No pics)

Call out again, while grabbing my pistol, no answer. I get out of bed, and slip on my shoes. Wife wakes up and asks what I’m doing. I reply softly that the dog and I heard a noise downstairs and I see a light moving around. She replies, “Holy Shit!”

I put my left index finger to my lips and my Heart is pounding. I slowly turn my head to look down the hall. Nothing there but still see the light trembling in the dark. I start creeping down the hall foot over foot like a Navy SEAL. I check my daughter’s door and slowly look in to see that she is still sleeping, but I hear another, much louder noise. My Maltese-Poodle mix is right by my side not moving a muscle and focused on my movements. Gun is ready and so am I, as I cautiously peer down the stairs and hear a door open and close hard!! Heart is pounding hard.
My eyes follow the light and I can see that it’s an LED nightlight that my daughter had placed precariously on a shelf by the stairs that had fallen and turned on causing the glowing/moving light. I turn on all of the lights and quickly check my doors and windows. No intruders, but I hear a flushing toilet... upstairs.

I go back to our bedroom to see my wife just getting back in bed and this was the exchange:

wife: What happened? Is everything ok?!

me: Yes. It was the light daughter put on the table, but what the fuck were you doing?!?

wife: I had to use the bathroom.

me: while I’m walking downstairs with my gun looking for a possible intruder?!?

wife: ...I had to pee. What was I supposed to do?

me: At the very least, not make any GD noise.

wife: tone.

 

Your wife actually flushes the toilet when she owes at night?   Nothing like waking up with a hangover in the morning only to come to a toilet only to smell hours old piss in the bowl.   

[Droopy 2639]

8 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Your wife actually flushes the toilet when she owes at night?   Nothing like waking up with a hangover in the morning only to come to a toilet only to smell hours old piss in the bowl.   

The funny thing is, she NEVER flushes at night, but choose to then. She says she doesn’t want to wake me up. It’s the quietest toilet they make. 

[SHOOTER12 8887]

1 hour ago, ROFL BOX said:

Or... @ least don't actually FLUSH the damn toilet, woman!

It was that loud truck stoppish fart that would have caused all hell to break loose.

[SHOOTER12 8887]

1 hour ago, Trey3216 said:

Your wife actually flushes the toilet when she owes at night?   Nothing like waking up with a hangover in the morning only to come to a toilet only to smell hours old piss in the bowl.   

Slight derail...

Mrs Shooter USED to give me hell about flushing the toilet at night, so if I just have to urinate, I don't.  I usually don't have to drop a deuce overnight anyway.  However, I went through a period awhile back where I was having major stomach issues and would flush.  Of course I caught complaints about waking her up.  I tried to explain that there are times you HAVE TO FLUSH  She said she didn't care, it couldn't be that bad.  Sure enough a couple of nights later my stomach acted up and it was like Armageddon itself had flown out of my ass.  Of course, still having a Crown Royal buzz decided to teach her a lesson and didn't flush.  I was awakened about 6:00 the next morning to screams and the sound of gagging. Needless to say, I can flush whenever and however often I choose without giving any thought to "static".  

Edited May 24, 2021 by SHOOTER12

[markstanco 12804]

This happens a couple times a month or so.
Leaving the house, going to dinner or a friends house or something. 
Waits until we're down the street or around the corner and asks "Did the garage door close?"
Now, to me..I know I closed it.  it's part of the process of backing out of the driveway...but those words automatically make you second guess.
Turn the fucking car around and do the drive by. SMH

Been there on silly out to dinner trips. If i am leaving town I watch it hit the floor.

I live in a really high crime city per capita (txk) but in my Barrio I'd be fine leaving the garage door open all night. I've done it by accident a lot.

[WhatTheBuck 28934]

6 hours ago, Droopy said:

Ok...

 

It’s your worst nightmare. You’re peacefully sleeping then, suddenly, your brain kicks on and the thought ,”Did I just hear something/someone in my house?” The dog at the foot of the bed picks up her head and begins a low growl. (Fuck.) Opening your eyes into darkness only to see a light glowing from your stairwell. (Fuck me.)

Call out daughter’s name no answer. (No pics)

Call out again, while grabbing my pistol, no answer. I get out of bed, and slip on my shoes. Wife wakes up and asks what I’m doing. I reply softly that the dog and I heard a noise downstairs and I see a light moving around. She replies, “Holy Shit!”

I put my left index finger to my lips and my Heart is pounding. I slowly turn my head to look down the hall. Nothing there but still see the light trembling in the dark. I start creeping down the hall foot over foot like a Navy SEAL. I check my daughter’s door and slowly look in to see that she is still sleeping, but I hear another, much louder noise. My Maltese-Poodle mix is right by my side not moving a muscle and focused on my movements. Gun is ready and so am I, as I cautiously peer down the stairs and hear a door open and close hard!! Heart is pounding hard.
My eyes follow the light and I can see that it’s an LED nightlight that my daughter had placed precariously on a shelf by the stairs that had fallen and turned on causing the glowing/moving light. I turn on all of the lights and quickly check my doors and windows. No intruders, but I hear a flushing toilet... upstairs.

I go back to our bedroom to see my wife just getting back in bed and this was the exchange:

wife: What happened? Is everything ok?!

me: Yes. It was the light daughter put on the table, but what the fuck were you doing?!?

wife: I had to use the bathroom.

me: while I’m walking downstairs with my gun looking for a possible intruder?!?

wife: ...I had to pee. What was I supposed to do?

me: At the very least, not make any GD noise.

wife: tone.

 

Good lord, one day you’re going to shoot your wife or daughter.

[956 Worldwide 35598]

10 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Good lord, one day you’re going to shoot your wife or daughter.

That story is inadvertently an anti-gun ad. 

[davidg 4058]

Y'all non-nighttime toilet flusher's should look into getting a plumber to move that toilet from next to your bed.  I mean, did your houses not come with doors between your bedrooms and bathrooms?

[Johnny Sack 8397]

I have never heard of not flushing at night.

[nnm 37949]

I had never heard of either until I got married 29 years ago. Now it’s standard.  There’s plenty of isolation between the toilet room and our bed, plus I wear earplugs at night, so a flush certainly wouldn’t bother me. My guess is that the ladies don’t like to wake THEMSELVES up with the flush. 

As a 50-something year old guy, I now get up at least a couple of times a night myself. I still flush every time. 

[Droopy 2639]

3 minutes ago, nnm said:

I had never heard of either until I got married 29 years ago. Now it’s standard.  There’s plenty of isolation between the toilet room and our bed, plus I wear earplugs at night, so a flush certainly wouldn’t bother me. My guess is that the ladies don’t like to wake THEMSELVES up with the flush. 

As a 50-something year old guy, I now get up at least a couple of times a night myself. I still flush every time. 

This. Two doors and it's on the other side of the room. I sleep like a ton of bricks and have slept through a tornado, yet she doesn't want to wake me. BS, she is lazy and doesn't want to wake herself.

[Ojo Rojo 2057]

18 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Your wife actually flushes the toilet when she owes at night?   Nothing like waking up with a hangover in the morning only to come to a toilet only to smell hours old piss in the bowl.   

We must be married to the same woman.

[Ojo Rojo 2057]

My kid is in like his 6th season of baseball and now my wife is really getting into it, especially the playoff games.  She's not a sporty woman, but now she's yelling stuff about bad calls and she cheers REALLY loudly when something good happens.  That's great.  I'm glad to see her getting into it (though I discourage being vocal about bad calls and whatnot at this level).  The problem is, she doesn't know the fucking rules and she might be dumb.  She can't understand the last at bat thing for the home team.  She's like, "But there's no time left on the clock!  Why are they getting another at bat?!" (Our league uses a clock instead of a set number of innings because otherwise games would last for fucking ever.) Or, she's screaming at the batter on our team (especially if it's our son) to "RUN!  RUN!  RUN!" while I'm trying to get her attention to tell her it's a foul ball.

[txindep 144]

Driving with buddies to FL Panhandle in high school for ‘86 senior trip, gf left 2 hrs before we did, got to Destin w/ her girlfriends 2 hrs after us. I asked what happened, she said they got to Mobile & saw sign b4 tunnel that said “Hazardous Cargo, exit 64.” She took it to be a warning there was HazCargo ahead & thus they needed to exit. Routed them to the north, they drove back roads, no Interstate, most of the rest of the way.

[nnm 37949]

2 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

My kid is in like his 6th season of baseball and now my wife is really getting into it, especially the playoff games.  She's not a sporty woman, but now she's yelling stuff about bad calls and she cheers REALLY loudly when something good happens.  That's great.  I'm glad to see her getting into it (though I discourage being vocal about bad calls and whatnot at this level).  The problem is, she doesn't know the fucking rules and she might be dumb.  She can't understand the last at bat thing for the home team.  She's like, "But there's no time left on the clock!  Why are they getting another at bat?!" (Our league uses a clock instead of a set number of innings because otherwise games would last for fucking ever.) Or, she's screaming at the batter on our team (especially if it's our son) to "RUN!  RUN!  RUN!" while I'm trying to get her attention to tell her it's a foul ball.

She sounds blonde.

[nnm 37949]

3 minutes ago, txindep said:

Driving with buddies to FL Panhandle in high school for ‘86 senior trip, gf left 2 hrs before we did, got to Destin w/ her girlfriends 2 hrs after us. I asked what happened, she said they got to Mobile & saw sign b4 tunnel that said “Hazardous Cargo, exit 64.” She took it to be a warning there was HazCargo ahead & thus they needed to exit. Routed them to the north, they drove back roads, no Interstate, most of the rest of the way.

This was long, long before GPS my friend (I'm also '86).  They had to PLAN that extra route with good old fashioned maps.  Which took them even longer, I'm sure.  

[WhatTheBuck 28934]

9 minutes ago, txindep said:

Driving with buddies to FL Panhandle in high school for ‘86 senior trip, gf left 2 hrs before we did, got to Destin w/ her girlfriends 2 hrs after us. I asked what happened, she said they got to Mobile & saw sign b4 tunnel that said “Hazardous Cargo, exit 64.” She took it to be a warning there was HazCargo ahead & thus they needed to exit. Routed them to the north, they drove back roads, no Interstate, most of the rest of the way.

To be fair, that might’ve been a good drive even if it was accidental. 

[General Specific 3508]

Driving with buddies to FL Panhandle in high school for ‘86 senior trip, gf left 2 hrs before we did, got to Destin w/ her girlfriends 2 hrs after us. I asked what happened, she said they got to Mobile & saw sign b4 tunnel that said “Hazardous Cargo, exit 64.” She took it to be a warning there was HazCargo ahead & thus they needed to exit. Routed them to the north, they drove back roads, no Interstate, most of the rest of the way.

Reminds me of an old aggy joke. aggy on the way to play Houston, read a sign that said “Houston Left”. So aggy turned around and went home!

[ROFL BOX 6655]

6 hours ago, nnm said:

This was long, long before GPS my friend (I'm also '86).  They had to PLAN that extra route with good old fashioned maps.  Which took them even longer, I'm sure.  

Especially if it was designed by a woman.

They are bad enough trying to re-fold a quality map, I can't even begin to fathom my wife trying to fold a monitor.

[ztejas 44234]

9 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Or, she's screaming at the batter on our team (especially if it's our son) to "RUN!  RUN!  RUN!" while I'm trying to get her attention to tell her it's a foul ball.

She a little confused but she got the spirit.

[SHOOTER12 8887]

On 5/24/2021 at 11:33 AM, davidg said:

Y'all non-nighttime toilet flusher's should look into getting a plumber to move that toilet from next to your bed.  I mean, did your houses not come with doors between your bedrooms and bathrooms?

Sure they did, but after the second round of stomach problems, the doors were blown off along with sections of the walls.

[mulletpelini 5225]

 

On 5/21/2021 at 4:56 PM, Superhero said:

You sir are a wise man.

Gave her a little hug last night, which led to us getting naked in a hurry, her giving me an above average beej, and for the final act, me taking her to pound town. Everything is good today.

 

I've always said, you can't argue with a hug

On 5/23/2021 at 8:59 PM, Droopy said:

The funny thing is, she NEVER flushes at night, but choose to then. She says she doesn’t want to wake me up. It’s the quietest toilet they make. 

She had a shot to collect on your ass, she took it.

[Crapinon 2384]

No particular post to tie it to but this seems like it should go here. Tornado with feet and Hulk Hogan in a dress. 

 

[bad_teammate 13561]

Wife told our oldest daughter that she needs to lose weight before having a baby.

Daughter's BMI is ~28-29. Wife says, "If you don't get slim before you have the baby you're just going to get fat after. Especially if it's your first at this age." (daughter is in her 30s)

We are all floored because she never body-shamed our kids as they grew up (I probably "shamed" the boys for not building athletic bodies growing up). We set good examples for eating and exercise and understanding nutrition so our kids were never really fat, but damn.

I asked, "Wow so you're just a mean old woman now?"

"It's true," she says.

[AUS-97HORN 12051]

1 hour ago, bad_teammate said:

Wife told our oldest daughter that she needs to lose weight before having a baby.

Daughter's BMI is ~28-29. Wife says, "If you don't get slim before you have the baby you're just going to get fat after. Especially if it's your first at this age." (daughter is in her 30s)

We are all floored because she never body-shamed our kids as they grew up (I probably "shamed" the boys for not building athletic bodies growing up). We set good examples for eating and exercise and understanding nutrition so our kids were never really fat, but damn.

I asked, "Wow so you're just a mean old woman now?"

"It's true," she says.

or she logged into your account and read your fucking posts on here and thought, "well hell my husband is a total cunt and asshole on Surly, I might as well be the same to our family. "