Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[General Specific 3,169]

Or mine that thinks of the volume capacity, not the total weight one can put into a trash bag…

Me: Just because you can put more into it, does not mean it can support a metric ton of stuff dear (said with much love and affection after the garbage bag rips open)!
Her: tone…

[conVINCEd 21,468]

1 hour ago, General Specific said:

Or mine that thinks of the volume capacity, not the total weight one can put into a trash bag…

Me: Just because you can put more into it, does not mean it can support a metric ton of stuff dear (said with much love and affection after the garbage bag rips open)!
Her: tone…

Just be thankful she didn’t put it all down the garbage disposal.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,791]

My buddies on united made it home on time. Southwest also. AA giving me the deep stroke 

Your story gave a lot of people strokes

[Modessit 5,582]

Trip like that needs to be left unplanned with only a general idea of where you are going.

Well, we wanted to hit a lot of the big stops - Palo Duro, Mt Rushmore, Yellowstone, Redwoods, Bryce Canyon, Grand Canyon, Carlsbad - so we had to find a way to fit it all in and still be back home by mid-July so the kids can get swim lessons in before school starts again. I've got campgrounds or hotels booked for all 34 days, but extra stuff is mostly "Okay, we saw what we came to see and still have time left before we have to get to the next place. What else is around?" That's her job to look shit up and have suggestions ready if we need something to do for a few hours. And with 5 days left before we leave, she really hasn't done anything related to that. So I'll end up looking shit up on my phone like usual.

[Modessit 5,582]

Going to Yellowstone in the summer with no plans means you are staying 50+ miles from a park entrance.

We're staying near Cody which is about 3 hours from Old Faithful on the other side of the park, but we only plan to make that drive one day of the 3 we plan to be there. We'll spend the other days near the east side.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,962]

1 hour ago, Modessit said:

Well, we wanted to hit a lot of the big stops - Palo Duro, Mt Rushmore, Yellowstone, Redwoods, Bryce Canyon, Grand Canyon, Carlsbad - so we had to find a way to fit it all in and still be back home by mid-July so the kids can get swim lessons in before school starts again. I've got campgrounds or hotels booked for all 34 days, but extra stuff is mostly "Okay, we saw what we came to see and still have time left before we have to get to the next place. What else is around?" That's her job to look shit up and have suggestions ready if we need something to do for a few hours. And with 5 days left before we leave, she really hasn't done anything related to that. So I'll end up looking shit up on my phone like usual.

That's sort of what we did last year. One month and hit ten National Parks. We started out heading west through the Grand Canyon and then on to Giant Sequoias/King's Canyon, up the coast because Yosimite was almost impossible to get into, Redwoods, Crater Lake, Glacier, Yellowstone, Tetons, Arches, Black Canyon and Sand Dunes with a whole slew of national forests tossed in the mix. We didn't make any reservations or plans beyond "this is the general direction we want to go and places we want to see." Most of those areas there is plenty of free dispersed camping on public land if you know how to find it, so camping wasn't really a problem, but we had a big van with a rooftop tent, so we could set up pretty much anywhere.

[Brothahorn 10,081]

Buy an $80 trash can for the kitchen. WTF!

[BearMace 2,183]

58 minutes ago, Brothahorn said:

Buy an $80 trash can for the kitchen. WTF!

You got off easy.

Edited June 9, 2021 by BearMace

[Trey3216 15,317]

2 hours ago, Brothahorn said:

Buy an $80 trash can for the kitchen. WTF!

Wait until it breaks and you have to buy another one.   I’ll give it a year since she’ll compact it with shit until that one day you go to take the trash out and it tears the entire top off.   I’ve heard about this happening.  

Edited June 9, 2021 by Trey3216

[Thatguy 8,283]

We are now the owners of this pod holder thing, which is exactly like the container they come in. But this one is clear, which is important for some reason 
 

I understand your pain my bro. This was just from one pantry. I could do this all day.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

[Thatguy 8,283]

On 6/6/2021 at 1:20 AM, ROFL BOX said:

Went to the theater tonight to see the new Statham movie (Wrath of Man, I give it 6.5 ~ 7.0).  Wife didn't want to go, nor daughter.  Took Monster & met up with a friend.

Get home from flick, wife says "I was bored while YOU TWO went out to a movie."

Me:  "Guess who doesn't give a shit - you could have done anything else you wanted & taken ROFL-ette with you.  We DO have 2 vehicles."

Her:  dead stare - tone, etc.

Me:  Don't G.a.F...

 

[Thatguy 8,283]

On 6/7/2021 at 5:46 PM, Frank The Tank said:

Seriously, how fucking hard is it to anticipate that we’re about to get out of the car? You know where we’re going, it’s not a surprise trip and I didn’t fucking blindfold you. All it would take is to see the turn or parking lot entrance and then put your phone down, slip your shoes on, do whatever the hell else it is that you couldn’t do while I was busy driving us everywhere all the damn time, and be ready to go when I put it in park.
 

Instead, I join the rest of you as we all just stand in the parking lot, fully dressed, waiting for them to get out so we can lock the damn car. 

  And then you have a daughter, and they both do it.....

[Flg8rfan 201]

Or mine that thinks of the volume capacity, not the total weight one can put into a trash bag…

Me: Just because you can put more into it, does not mean it can support a metric ton of stuff dear (said with much love and affection after the garbage bag rips open)!
Her: tone…

This. When we moved, my wife didn’t bat an eye at filling a toilet paper box with books. First off, not a sturdy box to begin with- secondly, was too heavy to lift.

Her other annoying habit was overfilling boxes to where you couldn’t close them to stack other boxes on them.

This is why when we move the next time, I’m going to burn the house down so we can start anew.

[Trey3216 15,317]

25 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

This. When we moved, my wife didn’t bat an eye at filling a toilet paper box with books. First off, not a sturdy box to begin with- secondly, was too heavy to lift.

Her other annoying habit was overfilling boxes to where you couldn’t close them to stack other boxes on them.

This is why when we move the next time, I’m going to burn the house down so we can start anew.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3,867]

On 5/17/2021 at 3:27 PM, Buzzrock said:

Surly man blocks own beer fridge to spite wife?

Edited June 9, 2021 by ShaggyBevo RIP

[ROFL BOX 6,642]

Like most people, we have a small waste paper basket in our bathroom that can hold several weeks worth of tissues/cotton swabs/whatever before it needs to be emptied.
It also can hold exactly 1 Starbucks cup before needing to be emptied. 
Every. Fucking. Time.

To prevent too much 'fluff' from overtaking the bathroom can, one at a time I stuff the tubes, one tube after another.

I do this until it won't hold any more. Usually 6 or 7 will stuff & re-stuff, I think.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[SHOOTER12 8,770]

On 6/6/2021 at 8:12 AM, leaf said:

My wife is the opposite.  The door is half open before I put the car in park.

Psssst..... she's a dude bro...

[ROFL BOX 6,642]

We're staying near Cody which is about 3 hours from Old Faithful on the other side of the park, but we only plan to make that drive one day of the 3 we plan to be there. We'll spend the other days near the east side.

2 summers ago, we did Yellowstone & the Tetons
Hostel in Jackson, convenient & low priced.

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[Modessit 5,582]

2 summers ago, we did Yellowstone & the Tetons
Hostel in Jackson, convenient & low priced.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

Most of those places are booked thru next year's summer already.

We originally were going to take a week's drive up to Alaska, spend 2-3 weeks up there, then a week's drive back. But then Canada closed the border due to Covid so we had to readjust and didn't have time to book better sites. Looks like they might open the border soon but it's too late now to change plans. We might end up doing the Alaska road trip next year.

And no, we can't afford to fly us all up there and rent a vehicle/RV.

Wife was actually looking up things to do at the various stops today. She's made it as far as Seattle so far.

[BearMace 2,183]

8 hours ago, Flg8rfan said:

This. When we moved, my wife didn’t bat an eye at filling a toilet paper box with books. First off, not a sturdy box to begin with- secondly, was too heavy to lift.

Her other annoying habit was overfilling boxes to where you couldn’t close them to stack other boxes on them.

This is why when we move the next time, I’m going to burn the house down so we can start anew.

Wtf is a toilet paper box? 

[Sam Lin 3,538]

Musta been pretty small books.

[nnm 35,818]

9 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

To prevent too much 'fluff' from overtaking the bathroom can, one at a time I stuff the tubes, one tube after another.

I do this until it won't hold any more. Usually 6 or 7 will stuff & re-stuff, I think.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

Good for you. You stuff your tubes, dude. Make Richard Gere proud. 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,962]

9 hours ago, Modessit said:

Most of those places are booked thru next year's summer already.

We originally were going to take a week's drive up to Alaska, spend 2-3 weeks up there, then a week's drive back. But then Canada closed the border due to Covid so we had to readjust and didn't have time to book better sites. Looks like they might open the border soon but it's too late now to change plans. We might end up doing the Alaska road trip next year.

And no, we can't afford to fly us all up there and rent a vehicle/RV.

Wife was actually looking up things to do at the various stops today. She's made it as far as Seattle so far.

FYI, the absolute best camping spot we stayed in last summer was just outside of the Grand Teton National Park off of the Pacific Creek Road heading towards the USFS Pacific Creek campground. As soon as the road leaves the National Park boundaries there is a sign that shows several official dispersed camping spots. These are primitive spots with no amenities, but there are several right next to the creek (which is big enough to be classified as a river in the mountain states). The setting was much better than anything you would see in any official National Park campground, and with the creek right there you could filter as much water as you needed. It's also close enough to Yellowstone to make it a base of operations for a combined Tetons Yellowstone trip without having to spend any money on campsites. The only catch is that the roads aren't really good for any sort of trailer and you have to be up for primitive camping.

[Trevor Belmont 19]

On 6/8/2021 at 4:03 PM, conVINCEd said:

Just be thankful she didn’t put it all down the garbage disposal.

Pregnant wife made a huge pot of lentils. Folic acid, fiber, other B vitamins, etc. Didn’t season them at all so of course they were disgusting. For those unfamiliar, lentils are commonly used as a thickener for soups. We are now on our 3rd conversation about what does or does not go down the disposal. *hint.. it’s nothing

and yes, it was still my fault

[Thatguy 8,283]

On 6/9/2021 at 11:53 PM, BearMace said:

Wtf is a toilet paper box? 

You must be poor. When I was poor I did not know what one of those was either. Or a duvet cover.

[Mo Horn 8,768]

13 hours ago, Trevor Belmont said:

Pregnant wife made a huge pot of lentils. Folic acid, fiber, other B vitamins, etc. Didn’t season them at all so of course they were disgusting. For those unfamiliar, lentils are commonly used as a thickener for soups. We are now on our 3rd conversation about what does or does not go down the disposal. *hint.. it’s nothing

and yes, it was still my fault

This thread has a bunch of lentil recipes that look great. 

[McCroskey 1,487]

Text exchange with my wife earlier:

Her: "You locked me out of my car"

Me: "Well, that's impossible, you were literally driving it when I left." (She had to move her car because she had blocked the driveway)

Her: "Well my keys are somehow locked inside."

Me: "I really don't know what you tell you other than I'll be home in a couple hours."

Her: "Nevermind, all the doors were locked except the driver door."

[Kennythetiger 9,311]

There’s quite a bit going on in this conversation. 

[OrangEngr 1,034]

3 hours ago, McCroskey said:

Text exchange with my wife earlier:

Her: "You locked me out of my car"

Me: "Well, that's impossible, you were literally driving it when I left." (She had to move her car because she had blocked the driveway)

Her: "Well my keys are somehow locked inside."

Me: "I really don't know what you tell you other than I'll be home in a couple hours."

Her: "Nevermind, all the doors were locked except the driver door."

I’ve become convinced that keyless start is a conspiracy of the car industry to punish husbands. My wife has gotten in the habit of locking the door using the switch in her door to lock her car so she doesnt have to physically locate the key fob in her backpack. She’s only locked herself out twice, both times to no consequence, fortunately.

[hullabelew 3,698]

12 hours ago, McCroskey said:

Text exchange with my wife earlier:

Her: "You locked me out of my car"

Me: "Well, that's impossible, you were literally driving it when I left." (She had to move her car because she had blocked the driveway)

Her: "Well my keys are somehow locked inside."

Me: "I really don't know what you tell you other than I'll be home in a couple hours."

Her: "Nevermind, all the doors were locked except the driver door."

THIS bit of brilliance is why this thread was started.  Bonus points awarded. 

[Da Fino 2,715]

13 hours ago, McCroskey said:

Text exchange with my wife earlier:

Her: "You locked me out of my car"

Me: "Well, that's impossible, you were literally driving it when I left." (She had to move her car because she had blocked the driveway)

Her: "Well my keys are somehow locked inside."

Me: "I really don't know what you tell you other than I'll be home in a couple hours."

Her: "Nevermind, all the doors were locked except the driver door."

Holy shit. This one actually made me mad. 

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

there is nothing I can do that's so trivial that my wife won't express a way it could be done differently, whether it's the way the spoons are put in the dishwasher or which pouch in our daughter's back pack her snack goes in

[hullabelew 3,698]

6 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

there is nothing I can do that's so trivial that my wife won't express a way it could be done differently, whether it's the way the spoons are put in the dishwasher or which pouch in our daughter's back pack her snack goes in

That is the reason a lot of guys just give-the-fuck-up and quit doing stuff around the house.  If the females complain or redo everything the male does, why even try.  

I no longer load the dishwasher or wash any of her clothes for this reason.  You don't like the way I do something or redo what I've done.....feel free to do it yourself. 

This week, after living in our house for 25 plus years, she decides the drawer with the utensils and the drawer with the towels needed to be switched.   grrrrrrrr

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,769]

Drawer with the utensils is always the drawer closest to the cabinet with the plates.  Drawer with the towels should be next to the sink. Any other way is incorrect and you probably wear flip flops on an airplane

Edited June 17, 2021 by NeverMarryAStripper

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,791]

Drawer with the utensils is always the drawer closest to the cabinet with the plates.  Drawer with the towels should be next to the sink. Any other way is incorrect and you probably wear flip flops on an airplane

I love wearing slacks and dress shoes when I land in Florida

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,769]

Men should wear suits, ties, and a fedora to ride an airplane.  Having a dress code on planes would eliminate all of the shenanigans.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,962]

"I'm thinking of taking the kids to the science discovery center tomorrow. On Thursdays they have three dollar Tuesdays."

[tbone_ 14,016]

there is nothing I can do that's so trivial that my wife won't express a way it could be done differently, whether it's the way the spoons are put in the dishwasher or which pouch in our daughter's back pack her snack goes in

I only lasted 19 years with this behavior.

[Trey3216 15,317]

2 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

"I'm thinking of taking the kids to the science discovery center tomorrow. On Thursdays they have three dollar Tuesdays."

[nnm 35,818]

2 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

"I'm thinking of taking the kids to the science discovery center tomorrow. On Thursdays they have three dollar Tuesdays."

She’s a regular Yogi Berra. 

[Jameslaw121 4,440]

6 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Drawer with the utensils is always the drawer closest to the cabinet with the plates.  Drawer with the towels should be next to the sink. Any other way is incorrect and you probably wear flip flops on an airplane

Disagree. Utensils should be closest to the stove so you can quickly grab stuff while you're cooking....

And I wear flip flops, cargo short and a fucking Fedora when I fly.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,769]

Cooking utensils go in a separate drawer.  I think I sat next to you the last time I forced to sit with the peasants

[Jameslaw121 4,440]

Backstory - close friend of mine's mom has cancer. they gave her an MRI today. He text me:

Him - They found 5 spots

Me - I'll be home at six, come to my place and well go have a beer.

So then I call my wife

Me : They found 5 spots on her brain. I'm meeting Dennis for beer.

Her : Are they going to do radiation.

Me : I don't anything yet. I just got the text about the spots and told him to come over.

Her : Hows he taking it?

Me : I don't know I haven't actually talked to him. Just the one text

Her : Is this going to impact how long she has to live.

Me : I don't know anything yet.

Her : When will they decide on the treatment.

Me: For the love that God woman! I don't fucking know anything!!

[Superhero 8,688]

Y’all (including myself) must have married 10a who give BJs everyday, makes sandwiches and brings beer.

How else to explain why we put up with all this stupid shit?

[Da Fino 2,715]

Y’all (including myself) must have married 10a who give BJs everyday, makes sandwiches and brings beer.
How else to explain why we put up with all this stupid shit?

Your’s makes you sandwiches? I’ve been married for 5 years and she has made one meal for me. It was a hello fresh that she managed to fuck up and ruined an all-clad sauté pan in the process.

[Clintonaldo 2,562]

12 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

there is nothing I can do that's so trivial that my wife won't express a way it could be done differently, whether it's the way the spoons are put in the dishwasher or which pouch in our daughter's back pack her snack goes in

Smack her in the mouth and see if she likes the way it was done. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,769]

Then set up a gofundme for bail

[Beau Vine 53,820]

23 hours ago, OrangEngr said:

I’ve become convinced that keyless start is a conspiracy of the car industry to punish husbands. My wife has gotten in the habit of locking the door using the switch in her door to lock her car so she doesnt have to physically locate the key fob in her backpack. She’s only locked herself out twice, both times to no consequence, fortunately.

We got a hybrid.  On day 2, she came home from work and left the car on.  

On day 4, she remembered to turn the car off, but left it in drive.

[ztejas 43,001]

3 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

We got a hybrid.  On day 2, she came home from work and left the car on.  

On day 4, she remembered to turn the car off, but left it in drive.

I'd do this if every time before I drove I took a massive bong rip. And I'm not sure that's even a good excuse for her. 

Edited June 18, 2021 by ztejas