Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[NorthLoop 14,230]

Apparently I'm an asshole because I want to stay up and watch the CWS. Because she wants to make sure tomorrow morning is perfect for Father's Day. Which means me not watching baseball tonight.  Because I "might" be too hungover for Father's Day.  

[burntorangebongos 10,752]

What is the difference between hungover you and not hungover you? If it isn't a big difference then why does she care if you are hungover? 

Just tell her father's day starts now. 

[NorthLoop 14,230]

13 minutes ago, burntorangebongos said:

What is the difference between hungover you and not hungover you? If it isn't a big difference then why does she care if you are hungover? 

Just tell her father's day starts now. 

Yeah.

[conVINCEd 21,469]

1 hour ago, NorthLoop said:

Apparently I'm an asshole because I want to stay up and watch the CWS. Because she wants to make sure tomorrow morning is perfect for Father's Day. Which means me not watching baseball tonight.  Because I "might" be too hungover for Father's Day.  

Are you capable of consuming brunch hungover?  If so, I don’t see a real problem here.

[Fudbelty 2,789]

Left for week long vacation today at 9:45a. Well at 9:44a as were we literally getting in the car wife asks “What are we going to do about the leak in the kids bathroom? I’ve been emptying the pot in there every couple days.” Having no clue what she was talking about I asked what leak and why did you wait until we’re loading in the car to tell me? Apparently she told me weeks ago in passing and I should have already had it fixed.

[WhatTheBuck 28,797]

10 hours ago, conVINCEd said:

Are you capable of consuming brunch hungover?  If so, I don’t see a real problem here.

Yeah, it’s Father’s Day. Tell her you want to sleep in and expect pancakes and sausage links for brunch. Problem solved.

Of course, I’m not married so maybe I’m living in a fantasy world. But it seems like that’s how it should work. 

[Trey3216 15,355]

11 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Apparently I'm an asshole because I want to stay up and watch the CWS. Because she wants to make sure tomorrow morning is perfect for Father's Day. Which means me not watching baseball tonight.  Because I "might" be too hungover for Father's Day.  

Should’ve asked for your Father’s Day BJ right then and there 

[Js1 85,554]

12 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Apparently I'm an asshole because I want to stay up and watch the CWS. Because she wants to make sure tomorrow morning is perfect for Father's Day. Which means me not watching baseball tonight.  Because I "might" be too hungover for Father's Day.  

I also foresee your CWS watching at 6pm on Father’s Day being constantly interrupted 

[NorthLoop 14,230]

Yeah it's gonna be awesome 

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

11 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

Left for week long vacation today at 9:45a. Well at 9:44a as were we literally getting in the car wife asks “What are we going to do about the leak in the kids bathroom? I’ve been emptying the pot in there every couple days.” Having no clue what she was talking about I asked what leak and why did you wait until we’re loading in the car to tell me? Apparently she told me weeks ago in passing and I should have already had it fixed.

Happy father's day!

[TKthunder2 4,997]

3 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Should’ve asked for your Father’s Day BJ right then and there 

That’s not a real thing…stop spreading fake news.

[AUS-97HORN 11,820]

14 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

Left for week long vacation today at 9:45a. Well at 9:44a as were we literally getting in the car wife asks “What are we going to do about the leak in the kids bathroom? I’ve been emptying the pot in there every couple days.” Having no clue what she was talking about I asked what leak and why did you wait until we’re loading in the car to tell me? Apparently she told me weeks ago in passing and I should have already had it fixed.

I hope you just said fuck it, and closed off your main water valve and tell her it will be dealt with in a week or 2

[956 Worldwide 34,748]

We were driving back from our weekend trip and I was busting Little 956’s chops a bit about not learning American weights and measures since they don’t teach it here. My wife (who is European) busts in to say “take it easy on her, I bet you don’t know metric, but I do.” 

Me: I do. It’s really not hard. That’s why they invented it, it’s a lot easier. 

Her: How many millimeters are in one meter? 

Me and six year old simultaneously: A thousand

Her: Dear family, there are only 100.

Me and six year old: (Confused silence). No. There are 1,000 millimeters in a meter.

Her: But I meant to say centimeters. The one bigger than a millimeter.

Also, no forgiveness for a second language, the words are the same in her native language for metric measurements. 
 

 

[Beau Vine 54,397]

14 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

Left for week long vacation today at 9:45a. Well at 9:44a as were we literally getting in the car wife asks “What are we going to do about the leak in the kids bathroom? I’ve been emptying the pot in there every couple days.” Having no clue what she was talking about I asked what leak and why did you wait until we’re loading in the car to tell me? Apparently she told me weeks ago in passing and I should have already had it fixed.

Lulz, forgot about this one...

A couple of weeks ago, we were heading for the mountains for two weeks.  At about 11:30 the night before we were leaving, I went to bed and told her to hurry up and come to bed because we were leaving early the next morning.  About 15 minutes later, I hear the drill going and get up to investigate.  We have these two sets of French doors in the back of the house, one of which we never open.  Well, she opened it ("to make sure it was locked good!"  What?!?!?)  and because our 90-yo house settles heavily every year, she couldn't get it closed.  So we were up after midnight on the day before we go on vacation because she decided to open a door that hadn't been opened in at least two years.  

[SquishMitten 10,426]

Oh boy. The wife bought a pro-grade snow cone maker for an upcoming party. This thing can process 500 lbs of ice per hour. Something like $300-350. Excessive for sure, but we’ve gone through several cheap ones over the years, and it costs $150 to rent a good one, so not a terrible long term decision. But today’s delivery of syrup is what earned her a new mention on this thread…

[SquishMitten 10,426]

Yeah, it’s Father’s Day. Tell her you want to sleep in and expect pancakes and sausage links for brunch. Problem solved.

Lol. Mine went and got a massage this morning and left me with the kids and a to-do list.

Should’ve asked for your Father’s Day BJ right then and there 

I stopped requesting this because her regular response was just too creepy for me…”Your not MY father.”

[tbone_ 14,148]

That’s actually an impressive response.

[TKthunder2 4,997]

2 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

I stopped requesting this because her regular response was just too creepy for me…”Your not MY father.”

[Wade 464]

I'll spare the details but wife knows I don't want a fuss on Father's Day.  What was supposed to be a laid back early dinner of carryout crab bucket for the two of us, our two kids and her best friend has turned into a pain in the ass, formal, expensive event with enough food for a dozen adults.

[Tylerocks 2,553]

3 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Oh boy. The wife bought a pro-grade snow cone maker for an upcoming party. This thing can process 500 lbs of ice per hour. Something like $300-350. Excessive for sure, but we’ve gone through several cheap ones over the years, and it costs $150 to rent a good one, so not a terrible long term decision. But today’s delivery of syrup is what earned her a new mention on this thread…

Tamarind and Egg Custard should be a hit. 

[Crapinon 2,268]

4 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

We were driving back from our weekend trip and I was busting Little 956’s chops a bit about not learning American weights and measures since they don’t teach it here. My wife (who is European) busts in to say “take it easy on her, I bet you don’t know metric, but I do.” 

Me: I do. It’s really not hard. That’s why they invented it, it’s a lot easier. 

Her: How many millimeters are in one meter? 

Me and six year old simultaneously: A thousand

Her: Dear family, there are only 100.

Me and six year old: (Confused silence). No. There are 1,000 millimeters in a meter.

Her: But I meant to say centimeters. The one bigger than a millimeter.

Also, no forgiveness for a second language, the words are the same in her native language for metric measurements. 
 

 

I would tell her there are two types of countries in the world. Those who use the metric system and those who have put men on the moon. 

 

[WhatTheBuck 28,797]

3 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Oh boy. The wife bought a pro-grade snow cone maker for an upcoming party. This thing can process 500 lbs of ice per hour. Something like $300-350. Excessive for sure, but we’ve gone through several cheap ones over the years, and it costs $150 to rent a good one, so not a terrible long term decision. But today’s delivery of syrup is what earned her a new mention on this thread…

I used to have one of these:

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Wife calls me 3× from her phone, no response from her every time I answer... I assume it is a pocket / purse dial.

Finally 1:1 with her 8 minutes later & apparently it is my fault she was still BlueTooth connected to her earbuds.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[CycleTex87 2,981]

21 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Oh boy. The wife bought a pro-grade snow cone maker for an upcoming party. This thing can process 500 lbs of ice per hour. Something like $300-350. Excessive for sure, but we’ve gone through several cheap ones over the years, and it costs $150 to rent a good one, so not a terrible long term decision. But today’s delivery of syrup is what earned her a new mention on this thread…

No lime flavor?  negged.  

[SquishMitten 10,426]

18 hours ago, Tylerocks said:

Tamarind and Egg Custard should be a hit. 

 

2 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

No lime flavor?  negged.  

Yeah. I didn't even pay attention to the flavors. Pretty weak offering. If she's planning to start a business, she's really gonna have to broaden her menu

[CycleTex87 2,981]

8 minutes ago, SquishMitten said:

 

Yeah. I didn't even pay attention to the flavors. Pretty weak offering. If she's planning to start a business, she's really gonna have to broaden her menu

but two jugs of grape.

[TrashMaster G 17,590]

On 6/17/2021 at 9:01 AM, SwanderedTalent said:

there is nothing I can do that's so trivial that my wife won't express a way it could be done differently, whether it's the way the spoons are put in the dishwasher or which pouch in our daughter's back pack her snack goes in

I would have to divorce her to keep myself from strangling her.

 

On 6/17/2021 at 5:37 PM, Jameslaw121 said:

Backstory - close friend of mine's mom has cancer. they gave her an MRI today. He text me:

Him - They found 5 spots

Me - I'll be home at six, come to my place and well go have a beer.

So then I call my wife

Me : They found 5 spots on her brain. I'm meeting Dennis for beer.

Her : Are they going to do radiation.

Me : I don't anything yet. I just got the text about the spots and told him to come over.

Her : Hows he taking it?

Me : I don't know I haven't actually talked to him. Just the one text

Her : Is this going to impact how long she has to live.

Me : I don't know anything yet.

Her : When will they decide on the treatment.

Me: For the love that God woman! I don't fucking know anything!!

You left off: *tone*

 

On 6/19/2021 at 9:32 PM, NorthLoop said:

Apparently I'm an asshole because I want to stay up and watch the CWS. Because she wants to make sure tomorrow morning is perfect for Father's Day. Which means me not watching baseball tonight.  Because I "might" be too hungover for Father's Day.  

This is what control issues look like in action.

 

23 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Oh boy. The wife bought a pro-grade snow cone maker for an upcoming party. This thing can process 500 lbs of ice per hour. Something like $300-350. Excessive for sure, but we’ve gone through several cheap ones over the years, and it costs $150 to rent a good one, so not a terrible long term decision. But today’s delivery of syrup is what earned her a new mention on this thread…

Why are the two grapes not next to each other?

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

2 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

but two jugs of grape.

I like grape.

[MissingInAction 25,176]

Was honestly feeling pretty lonely over the weekend as my buddies celebrated dad day with their kids. 

As usual this thread made me feel much better about my solitary life of porn and booze.

Edited June 21, 2021 by MissingInAction
feelings

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Was honestly feeling pretty lonely over the weekend as my buddies celebrated dad day with their kids. 
As usual this thread made me feel much better about my solitary life of porn and booze.

Did you get snuggles from your dog?

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Oh boy. The wife bought a pro-grade snow cone maker for an upcoming party. This thing can process 500 lbs of ice per hour. Something like $300-350. Excessive for sure, but we’ve gone through several cheap ones over the years, and it costs $150 to rent a good one, so not a terrible long term decision. But today’s delivery of syrup is what earned her a new mention on this thread…

Paging [mention=2189]TheYoungHorn[/mention]

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[Tylerocks 2,553]

If my math is correct and it's probably not,  you have enough syrup to make almost 600 snow cones.

1 gallon= 128oz.

Internet says it's about 4 tbs/2oz per cone.

128/2= 64 cones per gallon.

64x9= 576 happy customers.

 

* this does not include those of us that like them "flooded"

Edited June 21, 2021 by Tylerocks

[DCA_HORN 725]

If my math is correct and it's probably not,  you have enough syrup to make almost 600 snow cones.
1 gallon= 128oz.
Internet says it's about 4 tbs/2oz per cone.
128/2= 64 cones per gallon.
64x9= 576 happy customers.
 
* this does not include those of us that like them "flooded"

Apparently you're not familiar with the blast furnace thread.

[nnm 36,592]

23 minutes ago, Tylerocks said:

If my math is correct and it's probably not,  you have enough syrup to make almost 600 snow cones.

1 gallon= 128oz.

Internet says it's about 4 tbs/2oz per cone.

128/2= 64 cones per gallon.

64x9= 576 happy customers.

 

* this does not include those of us that like them "flooded"

That 576 conclusion assumes that the customers receiving egg custard and tamarind will be happy. 
@SquishMitten, please prepare a tamarind and egg custard sno cone for your progeny or wife* and report back on their satisfaction level. 
 

 

 

*egg custard does not mean “cream pie.”  Conduct yourself accordingly. 

[BearMace 2,206]

17 minutes ago, Tylerocks said:

If my math is correct and it's probably not,  you have enough syrup to make almost 600 snow cones.

1 gallon= 128oz.

Internet says it's about 4 tbs/2oz per cone.

128/2= 64 cones per gallon.

64x9= 576 happy customers.

 

* this does not include those of us that like them "flooded"

 

My buddy had a snowcone truck come out to a party this weekend for the kids. The guy said he regularly has to tell adults that no he doesn't have straws because if you need a straw you're doing it wrong. And kids are going straight 'beetus strength, always. So by my math, that's only enough syrup for 320 or so.

[tbone_ 14,148]

I always got my snowcones “suicide” style as a kid

[drt 640]

4 hours ago, BearMace said:

My buddy had a snowcone truck come out to a party this weekend for the kids. The guy said he regularly has to tell adults that no he doesn't have straws because if you need a straw you're doing it wrong. And kids are going straight 'beetus strength, always. So by my math, that's only enough syrup for 320 or so.

Those parents are adding vodka. Thus, the need for a straw. 

[Mitch Cumsteen 18,562]

 

On 6/20/2021 at 2:33 PM, SquishMitten said:

Oh boy. The wife bought a pro-grade snow cone maker for an upcoming party. This thing can process 500 lbs of ice per hour. Something like $300-350. Excessive for sure, but we’ve gone through several cheap ones over the years, and it costs $150 to rent a good one, so not a terrible long term decision. But today’s delivery of syrup is what earned her a new mention on this thread…

You should have everybody ask her for wedding cake flavor.

[conVINCEd 21,469]

Does the time I rented a right-hand drive car in a foreign country, and my wife turned the provided gps upside down so I could see it better from the other side of the car qualify here?

[SquishMitten 10,426]

 
You should have everybody ask her for wedding cake flavor.

That was the only flavor I requested

[blacklab 11,947]

LOL

Let's see, hmm, 2 gallons grape, one gallon egg custard, one gallon tamarind, what did squish want? Wedding cake? Let's get 4oz of that.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

When is the party?

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,977]

So Mrs. NAAL was giving the one month old a bath in the sink...

Mrs. NAAL: Can you turn the thermostat to 73?

NAAL: I'll just turn the AC off

Mrs. NAAL: Why would you that?

NAAL: Well you just want to keep the air from blowing on the baby while you are bathing it, right?

Mrs. NAAL: yeah, but that uses up so much extra power.

NAAL:...silence...

[Tylerocks 2,553]

@SquishMitten Please post an "after" picture of the leftover gallons.

[Ojo Rojo 1,967]

On 6/20/2021 at 2:33 PM, SquishMitten said:

Oh boy. The wife bought a pro-grade snow cone maker for an upcoming party. This thing can process 500 lbs of ice per hour. Something like $300-350. Excessive for sure, but we’ve gone through several cheap ones over the years, and it costs $150 to rent a good one, so not a terrible long term decision. But today’s delivery of syrup is what earned her a new mention on this thread…

No Tiger Blood?  Trash.

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

No Tiger Blood?  Trash.

Are you aware of how the "Tiger Blood" product is made?

Also, my Tapa tag for @TheYoungHorn apparently didn't stick.

[Ojo Rojo 1,967]

1 hour ago, ROFL BOX said:

Are you aware of how the "Tiger Blood" product is made?

Also, my Tapa tag for @TheYoungHorn apparently didn't stick.

I would assume from the blood of real tigers.

[markstanco 12,601]

Wife left Thursday for two weeks to help out with her mom after a knee surgery. Took the youngest, oldest stayed home because sports.

Tonight: about to do some laundry, need to wash anything else?

No, cold water only. The hot is leaking.

Why?

The hose is leaking so I turned it off.

Okay, since when and why didn’t you tell me?

Two weeks ago. I kept forgetting.

[Pdawg88 1,128]

7 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I would assume from the blood of real tigers.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,977]

10 hours ago, markstanco said:

Wife left Thursday for two weeks to help out with her mom after a knee surgery. Took the youngest, oldest stayed home because sports.

Tonight: about to do some laundry, need to wash anything else?

No, cold water only. The hot is leaking.

Why?

The hose is leaking so I turned it off.

Okay, since when and why didn’t you tell me?

Two weeks ago. I kept forgetting.

So you never have to do any laundry except for special occasions? Nice humble brag.