Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[markstanco 12804]

On 6/28/2021 at 11:10 AM, kilroydos said:

I'm also wondering how I-20 gets you into Arkansas...

You have to be confused in West Fort Worth and in the wrong lane and not realize what youve done for 3 hours. 

CSB/ I was at Central Market in FTW/Hulen a few years ago, loaded up on fish and chicken.  She asked "big party?" I tell her no, I live in Texarkana so I stock up and vacuum seal it. She tells me she drove to Texarkana from FTW once on accident, thinking she was heading to Odessa but when she hit Arkie she realized she screwed up.  Now, that is really hard for me to believe after going past six flags, Dallas, the lake, etc.  But you never know.  I would have kept that story to myself. 

[conVINCEd 21477]

9 minutes ago, markstanco said:

You have to be confused in West Fort Worth and in the wrong lane and not realize what youve done for 3 hours. 

CSB/ I was at Central Market in FTW/Hulen a few years ago, loaded up on fish and chicken.  She asked "big party?" I tell her no, I live in Texarkana so I stock up and vacuum seal it. She tells me she drove to Texarkana from FTW once on accident, thinking she was heading to Odessa but when she hit Arkie she realized she screwed up.  Now, that is really hard for me to believe after going past six flags, Dallas, the lake, etc.  But you never know.  I would have kept that story to myself. 

I knew a girl in college who eventually became a doctor.  She was coming over to hang out.  She lived at the DG house.  I lived at the corner of 23rd and San Gabriel.  All she had to do was walk south on Rio Grande, pass Abel’s, and hang a right on 23rd.  About 30 minutes after she was supposed to arrive she called me from the pay phone at C-Mart and told me she was lost.  I ran downstairs, hopped in the car, and picked her up.  Women, even really smart ones, can be seriously lacking in navigation skills.

[Thatguy 9395]

56 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Whenever we are leaving the house and I think she is coming out with her purse right behind me to the car, invariably she steps back into the house to get or do something else for a couple of minutes.

The one time I backed the car and left without her didn’t change a thing.

  Of course it didn't. I imagine it takes a goof bit of time to back out a horse and buggy.

[Thatguy 9395]

10 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

I knew a girl in college who eventually became a doctor.  She was coming over to hang out.  She lived at the DG house.  I lived at the corner of 23rd and San Gabriel.  All she had to do was walk south on Rio Grande, pass Abel’s, and hang a right on 23rd.  About 30 minutes after she was supposed to arrive she called me from the pay phone at C-Mart and told me she was lost.  I ran downstairs, hopped in the car, and picked her up.  Women, even really smart ones, can be seriously lacking in navigation skills.

  23rd and San Gabriel? Oh, you are one of those uppity, West Campus, rich kids, eh? Riverside for the win mother fucker!

[NotActuallyALonghorn 5005]

[conVINCEd 21477]

3 minutes ago, Thatguy said:

  23rd and San Gabriel? Oh, you are one of those uppity, West Campus, rich kids, eh? Riverside for the win mother fucker!

The extra $100/month was worth it.  
 

West Campus pussy > Riverside pussy

[Thatguy 9395]

2 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

And by "at least one", you mean 6 right? 5 of which will be left in the car, unconsumed. 

 

1 hour ago, Trey3216 said:

3 of which have been opened and have 2-3 sips taken out of each one  

 

   The water bottle logic just blows me away. Two days ago we went out to eat. The place we went was 5 mins from the house. Both my wife and daughter are filling up water bottles. So we hop in the car and drive the 5 mins to the restaurant where they immediately order, you guessed it, god-damned water. We have a pleasant meal. We hop in the car and drive the 5 mins home. How many sips of water do you think they took out of those water bottles on the round trip??

Edited July 2, 2021 by Thatguy

[Thatguy 9395]

1 minute ago, conVINCEd said:

The extra $100/month was worth it.  
 

West Campus pussy > Riverside pussy

  True- However, all pussy ends up on 6th street, and Riverside was closer to 6th. Plus, I never had to look the pussy in the face everyday after my smash and dash because they lived in West Campus.

[Thatguy 9395]

8 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

  My wife was just ranting this morning because she could not find two of the reusable straws she just bought a couple days ago. Lol. Glad I'm not alone bruh.

[Thatguy 9395]

  We fired our lawn guy because he was getting lazy and doing a shit job. So we decided it was time to teach our 13 year old how to mow the lawn. So yesterday we are out there. I show her how to mow and she is off and running. Meanwhile, I pull out the edger. As I am passing one of the cars, I see the keys sitting in the cupholder of the brand new Audi. Wife still isn't up and at it yet, so they were in here all night, WITH the house key on them. Just about the time I was getting mad that a stranger could've been standing over me while I was sleeping it hit me. How did she get in the house yesterday when she came home?

[Fudbelty 2810]

Cliff notes

Lady Fud has been pretty unhappy at her job. I understand why so I say I’m fine if she’d like to look for a change. She interviews with one company and they give her an offer. We agree we’ll talk about everything later that day. We get busy with life and forget about it that evening. Next day I see a FB post saying she’s leaving current company. News to me.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2779]

 
   The water bottle logic just blows me away. Two days ago we went out to eat. The place we went was 5 mins from the house. Both my wife and daughter are filling up water bottles. So we hop in the car and drive the 5 mins to the restaurant where they immediately order, you guessed it, god-damned water. We have a pleasant meal. We hop in the car and drive the 5 mins home. How many sips of water do you think they took out of those water bottles on the round trip??

None because they all got to-go waters.

[TrashMaster G 18116]

6 minutes ago, Fudbelty said:

Cliff notes

Lady Fud has been pretty unhappy at her job. I understand why so I say I’m fine if she’d like to look for a change. She interviews with one company and they give her an offer. We agree we’ll talk about everything later that day. We get busy with life and forget about it that evening. Next day I see a FB post saying she’s leaving current company. News to me.

You forgot to ask her about it last night, asshole.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22311]

38 minutes ago, Thatguy said:

  We fired our lawn guy because he was getting lazy and doing a shit job. So we decided it was time to teach our 13 year old how to mow the lawn. So yesterday we are out there. I show her how to mow and she is off and running. Meanwhile, I pull out the edger. As I am passing one of the cars, I see the keys sitting in the cupholder of the brand new Audi. Wife still isn't up and at it yet, so they were in here all night, WITH the house key on them. Just about the time I was getting mad that a stranger could've been standing over me while I was sleeping it hit me. How did she get in the house yesterday when she came home?

Her boyfriend let her in with his key

[Thatguy 9395]

1 minute ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Her boyfriend let her in with his key

[ABSR 5370]

3 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

And by "at least one", you mean 6 right? 5 of which will be left in the car, unconsumed opened but with only a few sips taken out of them. 

Fixed it.

[Knoxtnhorn 6309]

On the way to the beach, the topic of music came up.  I learned that,

A) My wife appreciates and likes NSYNC more now than in the past because she felt obligated/loyal to the Backstreet Boys while in college.

B) Also while in college *UTenn*, she once unsuccessfully stood in line for Weird Al tickets.

[Hanrahan 1306]

Side note: on a road trip of any length, my wife brings 3 water drinks. She has one cup holder.

My wife has the typical inability to pick a restaurant but runs hot and heavy with the restaurant veto. That power has now been extended to what time we should leave on a common, four-hour road trip.

W: what time do you want to leave tomorrow? Let me know and I’ll work out my morning schedule. (This involves yoga and other things).

Me: I’m not particular, I’d say 10:30.

W: ok and works out scheduling in her head.

Later

W: I know you said 10:30 but what about x, y and z?

Me: do you want to leave at a different time?

W: it’s up to you but x, y and z.

Me: I’m not picky.

W: Ok. 10:30 is fine.

Later

W: I know you said 10:30 but x, y and z.

[CycleTex87 3043]

We’ll leave after the last one of us packs all their crap and gets in the car.  I’ll be waiting in the car. 

[TKthunder2 5059]

8 hours ago, markstanco said:

You have to be confused in West Fort Worth and in the wrong lane and not realize what youve done for 3 hours. 

CSB/ I was at Central Market in FTW/Hulen a few years ago, loaded up on fish and chicken.  She asked "big party?" I tell her no, I live in Texarkana so I stock up and vacuum seal it. She tells me she drove to Texarkana from FTW once on accident, thinking she was heading to Odessa but when she hit Arkie she realized she screwed up.  Now, that is really hard for me to believe after going past six flags, Dallas, the lake, etc.  But you never know.  I would have kept that story to myself. 

One Texas/OU weekend my date’s friend who drove herself in case she got mad at her date (spoiler she did) got in the car Saturday night pissed off and angry for some dumb reason and started driving back to Austin…but realized she went the wrong way on 35 when she crossed into Oklahoma.  I laughed my ass off when she called crying asking how to get back to Texas because she had never been to Oklahoma and didn’t know how to get back home.

Edited July 3, 2021 by TKthunder2

[AUS-97HORN 12051]

9 hours ago, markstanco said:

You have to be confused in West Fort Worth and in the wrong lane and not realize what youve done for 3 hours. 

CSB/ I was at Central Market in FTW/Hulen a few years ago, loaded up on fish and chicken.  She asked "big party?" I tell her no, I live in Texarkana so I stock up and vacuum seal it. She tells me she drove to Texarkana from FTW once on accident, thinking she was heading to Odessa but when she hit Arkie she realized she screwed up.  Now, that is really hard for me to believe after going past six flags, Dallas, the lake, etc.  But you never know.  I would have kept that story to myself. 

 

1 hour ago, TKthunder2 said:

One Texas/OU weekend my date’s friend who drove herself in case she got mad at her date (spoiler she did) got in the car Saturday night pissed off and angry for some dumb reason and started driving back to Austin…but realized she went the wrong way on 35 when she crossed into Oklahoma.  I laughed my ass off when she called crying asking how to get back to Texas because she had never been to Oklahoma and didn’t know how to get back home.

 

so I've told this story before, maybe on the old site, but at my brothers wedding in '07, the wedding party was introduced at the reception with whatever their quirky thing was about them.

My brother and literally every other member of the wedding party other than myself and my other brother went to, and graduated from Tex Tech. 

This one girl was introduced with her quirky story that all the Tech-sters knew had had happened. because she left Lubbock for Dallas.... drove 6 hours and ended up at her apartment in Lubbock. 

 

the very short story on this was there was a gas station that was roughly equidistant between her parents house in Dallas and her off campus  apartment in Lubbock.  She drove home basically every other weekend her 4-5 years at Tech. 

So her routine was to stop at that station, pee, get a drink, gas, whatever.  So she left Lubbock and 3 hours later, stops at the gas station, does whatever, and instead of taking a left out of the station, takes a right. 

Shes got her music blaring and she's off in blond bombo 19 year old wonderland for the next 2 hours 50 mins.   She had obviously been on mind autodrive, not noticed any of the signs telling her Lubbock was X miles away and getting closer.   She only wonders to herself... "why does Dallas look like Lubbock" when shes about to be in the city.  And then was so pissed at herself that she went to her apt, called mom, cried and didnt go home that week....    lol..... 

yep, drove 6 hours to nowhere. and like 5 years later her friends were still giving her all kinds of shit about it.  

[Anastasis 23723]

^ Got any pics?

[tbone_ 14455]

B) Also while in college *UTenn*, she once unsuccessfully stood in line for Weird Al tickets.

Weird Al is a fucking genius. As proof, I present exhibit A:

[ROFL BOX 6655]

Me: "Where's the Tahoe keys? I'm going to get new tires."

Her:
1. "Do you need the insurance card?"
2. (Shows me pic I sent her, hand written note on their generic biz card, has $$ for a pair, pic is from 9 months ago)
"$ 554, right? All 4?" ...then proceeds to argue with me for 30 minutes about how Discount Tire should honor a 9 month old price that obviously was not for a full set of 4.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[ztejas 44234]

58 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

Me: "Where's the Tahoe keys? I'm going to get new tires."

Her:
1. "Do you need the insurance card?"
2. (Shows me pic I sent her, hand written note on their generic biz card, has $$ for a pair, pic is from 9 months ago)
"$ 554, right? All 4?" ...then proceeds to argue with me for 30 minutes about how Discount Tire should honor a 9 month old price that obviously was not for a full set of 4.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk




 

What fucking tires are you getting that cost $280 ea, Andretti?

[ROFL BOX 6655]

21 minutes ago, ztejas said:

What fucking tires are you getting that cost $280 ea, Andretti?

While these aren't for the Tahoe, I also put new Toyo's on my Ram 2500 4x4.

[Thatguy 9395]

3 hours ago, ztejas said:

What fucking tires are you getting that cost $280 ea, Andretti?

  Tires for our new A6 are $300 each. I should know because my wife has blown out 3 of them already before the car had 6k miles on it.

[ROFL BOX 6655]

23 minutes ago, Thatguy said:

  Tires for our new A6 are $300 each. I should know because my wife has blown out 3 of them already before the car had 6k miles on it.

I'm obv. the poors because I drive a 17 year old Dodge.

[luke duke 6450]

  Tires for our new A6 are $300 each. I should know because my wife has blown out 3 of them already before the car had 6k miles on it.

You need to invest in the Discount Tire warranty.

[WhatTheBuck 28934]

7 hours ago, tbone_ said:

 

Weird Al is a fucking genius. As proof, I present exhibit A:

 

 

 

 

 

Too bad she missed the show. 

[956 Worldwide 35598]

11 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

 

 

so I've told this story before, maybe on the old site, but at my brothers wedding in '07, the wedding party was introduced at the reception with whatever their quirky thing was about them.

My brother and literally every other member of the wedding party other than myself and my other brother went to, and graduated from Tex Tech. 

This one girl was introduced with her quirky story that all the Tech-sters knew had had happened. because she left Lubbock for Dallas.... drove 6 hours and ended up at her apartment in Lubbock. 

 

the very short story on this was there was a gas station that was roughly equidistant between her parents house in Dallas and her off campus  apartment in Lubbock.  She drove home basically every other weekend her 4-5 years at Tech. 

So her routine was to stop at that station, pee, get a drink, gas, whatever.  So she left Lubbock and 3 hours later, stops at the gas station, does whatever, and instead of taking a left out of the station, takes a right. 

Shes got her music blaring and she's off in blond bombo 19 year old wonderland for the next 2 hours 50 mins.   She had obviously been on mind autodrive, not noticed any of the signs telling her Lubbock was X miles away and getting closer.   She only wonders to herself... "why does Dallas look like Lubbock" when shes about to be in the city.  And then was so pissed at herself that she went to her apt, called mom, cried and didnt go home that week....    lol..... 

yep, drove 6 hours to nowhere. and like 5 years later her friends were still giving her all kinds of shit about it.  

[Thatguy 9395]

2 hours ago, luke duke said:

You need to invest in the Discount Tire warranty.

  We did. They were 3 different tires. Two on a pothole. One on a nail.

[TrashMaster G 18116]

7 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

While these aren't for the Tahoe, I also put new Toyo's on my Ram 2500 4x4.

*Toyos

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3873]

On 6/29/2021 at 4:57 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

Speaking of trips, my wife refuses to use luggage unless we are getting on a plane.  So for weekend trips using the car, which are most of our trips, she uses open top bags for all of her shit. Clothes, toiletries, hair dryers, everything, just stuffed in fucking bags .  Does the same thing with groceries - paper sacks upon paper sacks of groceries.  That might not sound that bad, but when you go to pack the car you understand what is wrong with this.  Shit easily falls out of bags that don't even have a way to close.  Plus, open bags really don't stack well, so they have to go on top.  As opposed to cuboid shaped suitcases and totes that stack and pack very well.  Shit drives me crazy.  I've asked her nicely, even if she doesn't understand the reasons why, to please, pretty fucking please with a  cherry on top - use a fucking suitcase.  Refuses.

My MIL does this and we, her daughter included,  call her the bag lady.

[Scheiss Meister 8473]

I have long referred to plastic grocery bags as Redneck Samsonite.

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3873]

On 7/2/2021 at 11:53 AM, Thatguy said:

  23rd and San Gabriel? Oh, you are one of those uppity, West Campus, rich kids, eh? Riverside for the win mother fucker!

You missed the 80s when your share of the rent and bills on west campus would have been around $175/month but AC was rare.

Edited July 4, 2021 by ShaggyBevo RIP

[conVINCEd 21477]

33 minutes ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

You missed the 80s when your share of the rent and bills on west campus would have been around $175/month but AC was rare.

Mid-90’s.  We had a/c.  My share of the rent was around $300 and we normally threw one party per month that paid the other bills at $5/head for unlimited beer.  Girls were free.   $10/head if there was a PPV Tyson fight.

[OrangEngr 1035]

On 7/2/2021 at 12:27 PM, Fudbelty said:

Cliff notes

Lady Fud has been pretty unhappy at her job. I understand why so I say I’m fine if she’d like to look for a change. She interviews with one company and they give her an offer. We agree we’ll talk about everything later that day. We get busy with life and forget about it that evening. Next day I see a FB post saying she’s leaving current company. News to me.

Bonus points if that is how her current job found out she was leaving too.

[Dennis Taylor 19369]

On 7/2/2021 at 9:24 PM, AUS-97HORN said:

 

 

so I've told this story before, maybe on the old site, but at my brothers wedding in '07, the wedding party was introduced at the reception with whatever their quirky thing was about them.

My brother and literally every other member of the wedding party other than myself and my other brother went to, and graduated from Tex Tech. 

This one girl was introduced with her quirky story that all the Tech-sters knew had had happened. because she left Lubbock for Dallas.... drove 6 hours and ended up at her apartment in Lubbock. 

 

the very short story on this was there was a gas station that was roughly equidistant between her parents house in Dallas and her off campus  apartment in Lubbock.  She drove home basically every other weekend her 4-5 years at Tech. 

So her routine was to stop at that station, pee, get a drink, gas, whatever.  So she left Lubbock and 3 hours later, stops at the gas station, does whatever, and instead of taking a left out of the station, takes a right. 

Shes got her music blaring and she's off in blond bombo 19 year old wonderland for the next 2 hours 50 mins.   She had obviously been on mind autodrive, not noticed any of the signs telling her Lubbock was X miles away and getting closer.   She only wonders to herself... "why does Dallas look like Lubbock" when shes about to be in the city.  And then was so pissed at herself that she went to her apt, called mom, cried and didnt go home that week....    lol..... 

yep, drove 6 hours to nowhere. and like 5 years later her friends were still giving her all kinds of shit about it.  

She must be really really hot 

[McCroskey 1511]

4th of July party yesterday at a buddy's house, who lives 40 minutes across town.  We go every year, and have for over a decade.

And EVERY year, when we leave our house, the wife says, "you aren't going to stop to buy beer at the store right next to our house?"

And EVERY year, I say "no, I won't want hot beer by the time we get there, we will stop at the store right next to his house."

Edited July 5, 2021 by McCroskey

[Superhero 9028]

Either you live in the hood or your city has really shitty zoning laws. 

[TrashMaster G 18116]

54 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Either you live in the hood or in Houston.

Fify

[ztejas 44234]

8 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Fify

Houston is a cruel, crazy town on a filthy river in East Texas with no zoning laws and a culture of sex, money and violence. It's a shabby, sprawling metropolis ruled by brazen women, crooked cops and super-rich pansexual cowboys

[General Specific 3508]

Houston is a cruel, crazy town on a filthy river in East Texas with no zoning laws and a culture of sex, money and violence. It's a shabby, sprawling metropolis ruled by brazen women, crooked cops and super-rich pansexual cowboys

You say that like it a bad thing!

[SHOOTER12 8887]

OK, full disclosure, I smoke. Left Nacogdoches to come to Houston for work at 2:30pm today. As usual called home to let Mrs. Shooter know I made it safely and thank her for a wonderful weekend. 20 minutes later I get a call from her..." you know the tree stump by the hummingbird feeders"? Yeah?  "There was a fire going there, just a little one, mainly dry grass, you need to be more careful with your cigarettes".

Me: I haven't smoked in the backyard since yesterday.

Wife:. Yes you have, there were butts in the ashtray.

Me:. Those were from yesterday, I haven't even been in the backyard today.

Wife:  Well it doesn't matter when, you could have burned the house down.

Me: Do you really think that if I had thrown a butt down, it would have stayed dormant for 32 fucking hours, or stayed lit for 32 hours before raging forth and starting a fire?  Wake the fuck up bitch, it was probably your joint...if not you'd better be worried about who's trying to kill your ass.

[gmr548 16702]

Next go is my choice so I'm thinking Glacier National Park, over to Seattle & then back down to Portland / NorCal, maybe some PCH if it's not washed out.
If I can swing it, a 4 day fly into DC with just me & the boy so I can visit Dad in Arlington National Cemetery is also a desired trip.  [ redacted political bullshit about D.C. ]

lol your wife won’t drive through Atlanta because of political issues but you think you’re taking a west coast vacation?

[Kennythetiger 9642]

On 7/2/2021 at 10:51 AM, Armybrat said:

Whenever we are leaving the house and I think she is coming out with her purse right behind me to the car, invariably she steps back into the house to get or do something else for a couple of minutes.

The one time I backed the car and left without her didn’t change a thing.

Yep. 

[Beau Vine 55870]

On 7/2/2021 at 9:17 AM, Thatguy said:

   This is literally everyday of my life right here. Throw in at least one water bottle and a bathroom visit and it's bang on.

Every morning, my wife tells me goodbye, then proceeds to pittle around for 10 minutes before she actually leaves.  Then she's back two minutes later because she left her tea sitting on the counter.

[Beau Vine 55870]

On 7/2/2021 at 12:22 PM, Thatguy said:

  We fired our lawn guy because he was getting lazy and doing a shit job. So we decided it was time to teach our 13 year old how to mow the lawn. So yesterday we are out there. I show her how to mow and she is off and running. Meanwhile, I pull out the edger. As I am passing one of the cars, I see the keys sitting in the cupholder of the brand new Audi. Wife still isn't up and at it yet, so they were in here all night, WITH the house key on them. Just about the time I was getting mad that a stranger could've been standing over me while I was sleeping it hit me. How did she get in the house yesterday when she came home?

 

On 7/3/2021 at 5:53 AM, Thatguy said:

  Tires for our new A6 are $300 each. I should know because my wife has blown out 3 of them already before the car had 6k miles on it.

You gonna humblebrag that you have an Audi more often than Penelope mentions that she lives in Manhattan?

[Beau Vine 55870]

13 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

OK, full disclosure, I smoke. Left Nacogdoches to come to Houston for work at 2:30pm today. As usual called home to let Mrs. Shooter know I made it safely and thank her for a wonderful weekend. 20 minutes later I get a call from her..." you know the tree stump by the hummingbird feeders"? Yeah?  "There was a fire going there, just a little one, mainly dry grass, you need to be more careful with your cigarettes".

Me: I haven't smoked in the backyard since yesterday.

Wife:. Yes you have, there were butts in the ashtray.

Me:. Those were from yesterday, I haven't even been in the backyard today.

Wife:  Well it doesn't matter when, you could have burned the house down.

Me: Do you really think that if I had thrown a butt down, it would have stayed dormant for 32 fucking hours, or stayed lit for 32 hours before raging forth and starting a fire?  Wake the fuck up bitch, it was probably your joint...if not you'd better be worried about who's trying to kill your ass.