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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4,498

Posted
Posted
38 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Every morning, my wife tells me goodbye, then proceeds to pittle around for 10 minutes before she actually leaves.  Then she's back two minutes later because she left her tea sitting on the counter.

Mine does this at night. She usually goes to bed about an hour before me. Usually, I'll watch a show she's not interested in like Breaking Bad or something. She'll say goodnight. I'll put the show on. Then I'll have to pause it 5 times while she does stuff in the kitchen/living room.....

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tbone_

tbone_ 14,455

Posted
Posted

Here’s an exercise I like to do from time to time. I smoked a pack a day for about 15-17 years. Quit cold turkey in Jan 2003.

20 in a pack. 30 days = 600 cigarettes a month.

600*12 = 7,200 cigarettes a year.

17.5 years at 7,200 per = 126,000 cigarettes I haven’t smoked.

Fucking shit adds up.

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Thatguy

Thatguy 9,398

Posted
Posted
23 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

 

You gonna humblebrag that you have an Audi more often than Penelope mentions that she lives in Manhattan?

 

20 hours ago, tbone_ said:


Well he is Thatguy

  Hardly humblebragging with the likes of Chidoc and the other 1%ers, I am in the poor house. Also, according to Surly standards my wife is a 2.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18,118

Posted
Posted
55 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Here’s an exercise I like to do from time to time. I smoked a pack a day for about 15-17 years. Quit cold turkey in Jan 2003.

20 in a pack. 30 days = 600 cigarettes a month.

600*12 = 7,200 cigarettes a year.

17.5 years at 7,200 per = 126,000 cigarettes I haven’t smoked.

Fucking shit adds up.

The old stat that used to be thrown around was that every cigarette took seven minutes off of your life.  So 126k cigarettes = 612.5 days not taken off of your life.

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Party_Taco

Party_Taco 3,890

Posted
Posted

As we walk in the door from dinner tonight…

HER: “Babe, do you smell smoke?!”
TACO: “Yes, did you leave a candle burning?”
HER: “No…”

15 seconds later…

HER: “Babe, get up here!”
TACO: “Did you leave a candle burning?!”
HER: “Yes…”

Left it right next to a bag of Goldfish on her antique wood desk. The fish were a smoldering mess and the desk is fucked but we were VERY lucky it didn’t hit the fuzzy rug on the floor and take the whole damn house.

At least we now know the batteries in the smoke detector needed replacing…

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21,477

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Posted
26 minutes ago, Party_Taco said:

As we walk in the door from dinner tonight…

HER: “Babe, do you smell smoke?!”
TACO: “Yes, did you leave a candle burning?”
HER: “No…”

15 seconds later…

HER: “Babe, get up here!”
TACO: “Did you leave a candle burning?!”
HER: “Yes…”

Left it right next to a bag of Goldfish on her antique wood desk. The fish were a smoldering mess and the desk is fucked but we were VERY lucky it didn’t hit the fuzzy rug on the floor and take the whole damn house.

At least we now know the batteries in the smoke detector needed replacing…

Pouring Austin Powers GIF
 

for the goldfish

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LABEVO

LABEVO 928

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Posted (edited)

A few weekends ago we land in a costal Balkan city.

SO calls an uber. I can't hear the conversation but infer the following...

  • Uber: Where are you located?
  • Her: We walked out of the airport just now
  • Uber: Like where?
  • Her: I can see the ocean (the airport is literally next to the ocean so from everywhere you can see the Ocean)
  • Me: Pointing to the taxi stand
  • Uber: loooooong silence
  • Her: I can see the ocean. Come pick us up from here
  • Me: Give me the phone!
Edited by LABEVO
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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28,934

Posted
Posted
53 minutes ago, Party_Taco said:

As we walk in the door from dinner tonight…

HER: “Babe, do you smell smoke?!”
TACO: “Yes, did you leave a candle burning?”
HER: “No…”

15 seconds later…

HER: “Babe, get up here!”
TACO: “Did you leave a candle burning?!”
HER: “Yes…”

Left it right next to a bag of Goldfish on her antique wood desk. The fish were a smoldering mess and the desk is fucked but we were VERY lucky it didn’t hit the fuzzy rug on the floor and take the whole damn house.

At least we now know the batteries in the smoke detector needed replacing…

I hope you’re talking about Goldfish crackers.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18,118

Posted
Posted
40 minutes ago, LABEVO said:

A few weekends ago we land in a costal Balkan city.

SO calls an uber. I can't hear the conversation but infer the following...

  • Uber: Where are you located?
  • Her: We walked out of the airport just now
  • Uber: Like where?
  • Her: I can see the ocean (the airport is literally next to the ocean so from everywhere you can see the Ocean)
  • Me: Pointing to the taxi stand
  • Uber: loooooong silence
  • Her: I can see the ocean. Come pick us up from here
  • Me: Give me the phone!

She sounds really hot.

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Sam Lin

Sam Lin 3,602

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Party_Taco said:

As we walk in the door from dinner tonight…

HER: “Babe, do you smell smoke?!”
TACO: “Yes, did you leave a candle burning?”
HER: “No…”

15 seconds later…

HER: “Babe, get up here!”
TACO: “Did you leave a candle burning?!”
HER: “Yes…”

Left it right next to a bag of Goldfish on her antique wood desk. The fish were a smoldering mess and the desk is fucked but we were VERY lucky it didn’t hit the fuzzy rug on the floor and take the whole damn house.

At least we now know the batteries in the smoke detector needed replacing…

Jeezus. You guys got lucky. I hammered the importance of not leaving candles burning, if she even walks out of the room I would snuff it out. Seems to have caught on, but we'll see in a few years/months/weeks...

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6,655

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Watching the Weather Channel before leaving New Orleans & our destination today is Savannah.

Me: This Elsa thing is a hassle. Google Maps has us going kinda into it, depending on what route through Alabama we end up taking. Maybe high wind, maybe heavy rain, maybe both.

Her: "What if we don't go through Alabama?"

Me: "You want us to go from Mississippi to Tennessee, head East & then down through Atlanta just to bypass Alabama?"

*this was prior to finding out we had been Denver Booted. See "Trivial" thread.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 5,005

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Posted
9 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Watching the Weather Channel before leaving New Orleans & our destination today is Savannah.

Me: This Elsa thing is a hassle. Google Maps has us going kinda into it, depending on what route through Alabama we end up taking. Maybe high wind, maybe heavy rain, maybe both.

Her: "What if we don't go through Alabama?"

Me: "You want us to go from Mississippi to Tennessee, head East & then down through Atlanta just to bypass Alabama?"

*this was prior to finding out we had been Denver Booted. See "Trivial" thread.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

I mean, you could charter a boat...

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After irth

After irth 1,246

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Watching the Weather Channel before leaving New Orleans & our destination today is Savannah.

Me: This Elsa thing is a hassle. Google Maps has us going kinda into it, depending on what route through Alabama we end up taking. Maybe high wind, maybe heavy rain, maybe both.

Her: "What if we don't go through Alabama?"

Me: "You want us to go from Mississippi to Tennessee, head East & then down through Atlanta just to bypass Alabama?"

*this was prior to finding out we had been Denver Booted. See "Trivial" thread.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

Should be smooth-sailing on the tollways, though.  

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21,477

Posted
Posted (edited)
24 minutes ago, NAVY said:

Pretty sure that is the natural state of wife cars. Kind of amazing that there are even 3 bars left 

This is why you have a 1 gallon can in the garage at all times.  You can choose to learn this lesson the hard way or you can just take my word for it.

Edited by conVINCEd
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Modessit

Modessit 5,667

Posted
Posted
The good news is that very few homes here have AC (given the typical climate). And since our area of the country also has folks who make interesting hygiene choices, it's been quite a treat.
No humidity, though... took the family on a ferry ride in the evening just to cool off.
208892549_10101555169674386_566559093091859855_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=QeUDODZBA9IAX-mr-Ak&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=cc8da11bf1c7b3b5c6e40b9870712452&oe=60E0376E
(OK- back to wives gonna' wife)
We were surprised that 75% of businesses closed which caused us issues trying to find something to eat. Even the Mexican restaurants were closed. I was thinking - "Have they ever been to Mexico?"
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Fudbelty

Fudbelty 2,810

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Posted
good thing she left it in cruise control while it was parked.


I’ll allow it. My truck never leaves cruise control. I think in the wife’s car and our Jeep the CC automatically turns off.

3367607f30d8bd64ccdb6a72beb12207.jpg


Also, it’s a work truck so f all the dirt and the check light is because I haven’t had my tpms serviced
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Mo Horn

Mo Horn 8,939

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Posted
3 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

 


I’ll allow it. My truck never leaves cruise control. I think in the wife’s car and our Jeep the CC automatically turns off.

3367607f30d8bd64ccdb6a72beb12207.jpg


Also, it’s a work truck so f all the dirt and the check light is because I haven’t had my tpms serviced

 

Wear your damn seatbelt

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13,255

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

 


I’ll allow it. My truck never leaves cruise control. I think in the wife’s car and our Jeep the CC automatically turns off.

3367607f30d8bd64ccdb6a72beb12207.jpg


Also, it’s a work truck so f all the dirt and the check light is because I haven’t had my tpms serviced

 

 

13 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

69k?  Nice!

He's almost at 69,420

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