Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[mulletpelini 5210]

13 hours ago, Thatguy said:

  My question is where the hell do you live where you can leave the house for 4:40 for a 6:15 flight?

I could leave my house at 5:30 with no bags and make a 6:15 flight and be anywhere in the lower 48 by noon.

[Nolacycling 893]

On 7/27/2021 at 3:26 PM, tbone_ said:

One of the biggest fights I ever had with my ex was when we found out as we were checking into our hotel in Tahoe for a getaway weekend with no particular plans that Robert Plant and the Sensational Space Shifters were playing that night across the street.

Me: (buying tickets on stub hub)
Her: Who?
Me: ....
Me: finally explaining
Her: I am not going to a loud ass fucking rock concert.

We went and it was great. Turns out he had the keyboard player from Portishead or some shit in his new band and they redid a bunch of zeppelin songs chill style. Ordinarily I’d say fuck that but he’s Robert Plant and he’s authorized. They were very good.

Was there a spa in the hotel? There was a spa, right?

[Thatguy 8682]

9 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I could leave my house at 5:30 with no bags and make a 6:15 flight and be anywhere in the lower 48 by noon.

   Houston here. It takes me 55 mins to get into the airport terminal from home, clean sailing, unless I fly out of Hobby. 2 hours is cutting it close. If anything goes wrong, then I am absolutely fuckered. In May I went on my annual golf trip with the boys to Myrtle. Tired as hell. Load up the car and start driving to the airport. Somewhere on the beltway I look in the rearview mirror and see my golf clubs. That's when I realize I can see my golf clubs, as in they are not in their travel case. It's 6am, and absolutely NO chance I can get home to get my case, or buy another case at a store on the way. I play left handed, so no chance I could leave them. I missed my flight, got another flight to Charleston, rented a car in Charleston, and drove the two hours to Myrtle. Wife was like, "You are gonna pay an extra $1k to make your trip?". You are got-damned right!

[Thatguy 8682]

   Driving my wife's car because she took the suburban for her craft show. Yeah, I have one of those....

 

   Go to change lanes and the car violently jerks back into the lane(Audi Pre-Sense).

  Me- "What the hell? Why the hell is that on?"

  Daughter-"Momma wanted to see how long she could drive without touching the wheel?"

  Me-

 

[WhatTheBuck 28775]

15 hours ago, Mole said:

 

Be careful or you might ruin SNL for the people who think it’s still funny. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

On 7/27/2021 at 4:24 PM, Player said:

Reminds me of the time on a ski trip in Vail when my wife assured me that Led Zeppelin was playing a concert (one night only!!!), and it just happened to be that night. Not taking no for an answer, the kids and I walked over to this little outdoor pavilion to appease her. 

It was these chicks: 

 

They were good. 

The drummer is Leesa Harrington, from Houston...Back in the day when she was in Carolyn Wonderland's band she used to smoke Marlboro reds while playing, which is kinda hardcore in general, but she smoked Reds while playing and pregnant. (The kid turned out alright but had a baby at 15 or so. Leesa was the first person in my extended circle of friends to become a grandparent.)

[nnm 36353]

1 hour ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

The drummer is Leesa Harrington, from Houston...Back in the day when she was in Carolyn Wonderland's band she used to smoke Marlboro reds while playing, which is kinda hardcore in general, but she smoked Reds while playing and pregnant. (The kid turned out alright but had a baby at 15 or so. Leesa was the first person in my extended circle of friends to become a grandparent.)

My mom tells me that when she was having kids in the 60s, her doctors encouraged her to smoke so that she would have easier labors (smaller babies = easier deliveries). I don’t think this was an uncommon opinion in the medical establishment at the time. 

[BHMCruiser 1813]

6 hours ago, Thatguy said:

   Houston here. It takes me 55 mins to get into the airport terminal from home, clean sailing, unless I fly out of Hobby. 2 hours is cutting it close. If anything goes wrong, then I am absolutely fuckered. In May I went on my annual golf trip with the boys to Myrtle. Tired as hell. Load up the car and start driving to the airport. Somewhere on the beltway I look in the rearview mirror and see my golf clubs. That's when I realize I can see my golf clubs, as in they are not in their travel case. It's 6am, and absolutely NO chance I can get home to get my case, or buy another case at a store on the way. I play left handed, so no chance I could leave them. I missed my flight, got another flight to Charleston, rented a car in Charleston, and drove the two hours to Myrtle. Wife was like, "You are gonna pay an extra $1k to make your trip?". You are got-damned right!

wtf

[BHMCruiser 1813]

this is the "wives and the stupid shit they say/do" thread, not the "tell a story the way a wife would tell that same story" thread

[Spoosner 86]

On 7/29/2021 at 4:09 AM, Thatguy said:

   Driving my wife's car because she took the suburban for her craft show. Yeah, I have one of those....

 

   Go to change lanes and the car violently jerks back into the lane(Audi Pre-Sense).

  Me- "What the hell? Why the hell is that on?"

  Daughter-"Momma wanted to see how long she could drive without touching the wheel?"

  Me-

 

Somebody doesn't use their signal when changing lanes ☝️

[Sawbonz 27542]

On 7/13/2021 at 11:57 AM, Jiggy-Z said:

We have some theories:

It might have fallen off of a work bench into the trash without anybody noticing.  Hard to see this what with the extension cord and all.

My 15 yo might have taken it and forgotten about it.  He works on his skateboards over at a friends house, but hard to see what he might use it for on a board plus he says he never took it.

Accidental or intentional theft by sleepover kid.  We live in the country and our property is fenced, gated, and patrolled by dogs so nobody just wandered in and took it. 

My best guess is that it is tucked away somewhere that we have not looked. 

You look in random kitchen drawers and your bedroom closets?

[Thatguy 8682]

7 hours ago, Spoosner said:

Somebody doesn't use their signal when changing lanes ☝️

This is fucking Houston. A signal is just an alert for someone to speed up and block you.

[TrashMaster G 17549]

1 hour ago, Thatguy said:

This is fucking Houston. A signal is just an alert for someone to speed up and block you.

Houston drivers fucking suck.

[The Ace of Aces 5175]

Car’s headlight went out today, I noticed when she came home from a massage. 
 

Me: tomorrow we need to run to the Rahal (our dealer) for a light 
Mrs. Ace: What light? I don’t see any bulbs out in the house 
Me: The car headlight is out, how did you not notice this at night?
Mrs. Ace: Oh, it looked dark but I figured it was cloudy so that was it. We have to replace the whole light fixture, I’ll make a service appointment next week for a drop off. 
Me: 😡

[WhatTheBuck 28775]

17 minutes ago, The Ace of Aces said:

Car’s headlight went out today, I noticed when she came home from a massage. 

Me: tomorrow we need to run to the Rahal (our dealer) for a light 
Mrs. Ace: What light? I don’t see any bulbs out in the house 
Me: The car headlight is out, how did you not notice this at night?
Mrs. Ace: Oh, it looked dark but I figured it was cloudy so that was it. We have to replace the whole light fixture, I’ll make a service appointment next week for a drop off. 
Me: 😡

One of the greatest things about YouTube is that it’s taught me how to do a lot of minor car repairs that I would’ve paid someone else to do in the past. Changing a light? No problem.

Just plug in the year, make, and model of your vehicle and whatever it is you want to fix and there’s probably a video showing you how to do it. 

Edited July 31, 2021 by WhatTheBuck

[The Ace of Aces 5175]

4 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

One of the greatest things about YouTube is that it’s taught me how to do a lot of minor car repairs that I would’ve paid someone else to do in the past. Changing a light? No problem. 

It’s literally unscrewing a cap, unplugging a little connector, and plugging a new one in. An 8 year old can do it. 
 

But apparently the entire headlight assembly has to be replaced, according to the wife. 

Edited July 31, 2021 by The Ace of Aces

[nnm 36353]

3 minutes ago, The Ace of Aces said:

It’s literally unscrewing a cap, unplugging a little connector, and plugging a new one in. An 8 year old can do it. 
 

But apparently the entire headlight assembly has to be replaced, according to the wife. 

That was the case for a while with some pressurized assemblies. I don’t know if it’s true anymore. Wouldn’t be surprised. 

[WhatTheBuck 28775]

33 minutes ago, The Ace of Aces said:

Me: tomorrow we need to run to the Rahal (our dealer) for a light 

Is that Bobby Rahal? As in Letterman-Rahal? Or just a coincidence?

It’s hard to tell these days. Mark Wahlberg owns a couple car dealerships in Columbus. Marky Mark is selling cars in Central Ohio. Who would’ve guessed?

[The Ace of Aces 5175]

1 minute ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Is that Bobby Rahal? As in Letterman-Rahal? Or just a coincidence?

It’s hard to tell these days. Mark Wahlberg owns a couple car dealerships in Columbus. Marky Mark is selling cars in Central Ohio. Who would’ve guessed?

Yup, Bobby Rahal. Best car dealer I’ve ever come across. They don’t fuck you over like most. He’s around a few times a year for a customer party which is always fun 

[Superhero 8828]

Mrs. Superhero works in pharmaceuticals and makes good money. Last year she bought herself a Tesla, and paid for new windows for the house.

But she won't let me throw away a used napkin or paper plate because "it's still clean, we can use it again."

[Thatguy 8682]

7 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Is that Bobby Rahal? As in Letterman-Rahal? Or just a coincidence?

It’s hard to tell these days. Mark Wahlberg owns a couple car dealerships in Columbus. Marky Mark is selling cars in Central Ohio. Who would’ve guessed?

 

7 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

Yup, Bobby Rahal. Best car dealer I’ve ever come across. They don’t fuck you over like most. He’s around a few times a year for a customer party which is always fun 

  Fucking Pittsburgh.

[Crapinon 2253]

6 hours ago, Superhero said:

Mrs. Superhero works in pharmaceuticals and makes good money. Last year she bought herself a Tesla, and paid for new windows for the house.

But she won't let me throw away a used napkin or paper plate because "it's still clean, we can use it again."

Does she also save all the really cheap plastic forks and spoons from take out meals? Mine does. I guess it's just on case we run out of all the 2 completes sets of silverware we have laying around and can't wash anything.

 

[WhatTheBuck 28775]

39 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

Does she also save all the really cheap plastic forks and spoons from take out meals? Mine does. I guess it's just on case we run out of all the 2 completes sets of silverware we have laying around and can't wash anything.

Not sure what the problem with that is. I have a kitchen drawer where I keep my tin foil, plastic wrap, wax paper, and zip-lock storage bags, the rest of which is filled with packets of plastic flatware, napkins, and salt & pepper from takeout orders as well as chopsticks from the same, and packets of soy sauce, and hot sauce, and crushed red peppers and sometimes Parmesan cheese from pizza places, and wet naps. Am I just supposed to throw it all in the trash? Sometimes uses for these things come up. I can throw any of it away tomorrow but I figure there’s no harm in hanging onto it for a little while just in case. Sometimes I run into outdoor eating scenarios where paper plates and plastic flatware are called for.

There is, however, never a good use for a spork. Those should be banned. 

[tx ind 7008]

17 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

 

There is, however, never a good use for a spork. Those should be banned. 

Absolutely false. 2 words...frito pie.

[WhatTheBuck 28775]

2 minutes ago, tx ind said:

Absolutely false. 2 words...frito pie.

Explain to me why a spoon doesn’t work just as well. Also, it’s not a pie. 

[The Ace of Aces 5175]

2 hours ago, Thatguy said:

 

  Fucking Pittsburgh.

I’m about 3.5 hours east. 

[kilroydos 267]

1 hour ago, tx ind said:

Absolutely false. 2 words...frito pie.

I'd assume the best other use would be a KFC bowl.

[Nivek 16923]

Wife: We need to talk about the kids and screen time. They are watching too much in the morning and not playing enough or doing their responsibilities. This morning they had over an hour of screen time. Blah blah blah….

Me: I agree. I have been so sick lately I have needed to use the electronic babysitter, but I am getting better everyday and I have already set expectations. The kids each asked me if they could play Minecraft this morning and I said no.

Wife: well…… they were on a device for a while this morning and then overreacted when I took it away.

Me: What device?

Wife: Your old phone.

Me: I didn’t give that to them.

Wife: no, I did. Kid 1 asked me so politely.

Me: …………….

(She has a hint of a smile before returning to character of being annoyed)

[Crapinon 2253]

12 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Not sure what the problem with that is. I have a kitchen drawer where I keep my tin foil, plastic wrap, wax paper, and zip-lock storage bags, the rest of which is filled with packets of plastic flatware, napkins, and salt & pepper from takeout orders as well as chopsticks from the same, and packets of soy sauce, and hot sauce, and crushed red peppers and sometimes Parmesan cheese from pizza places, and wet naps. Am I just supposed to throw it all in the trash? Sometimes uses for these things come up. I can throw any of it away tomorrow but I figure there’s no harm in hanging onto it for a little while just in case. Sometimes I run into outdoor eating scenarios where paper plates and plastic flatware are called for.

There is, however, never a good use for a spork. Those should be banned. 

We have 25 forks in the silverware drawer. A full set of sterling silver in the China cabinet. A picnic basket with plasticware for 4 and a party box with plasticware for birthday parties. Unless the Amazing Kreskin comes back from the dead and bends all our forks I think we have it covered. Same with salt and pepper, ketchup and packets of mustard. I've got a refrigerator and cabinet full of that stuff. I don't need to have a drawer full of salt packets I'm never going to touch unless a 500 pound slug makes a beeline for the house.

[WhatTheBuck 28775]

1 hour ago, Crapinon said:

We have 25 forks in the silverware drawer. A full set of sterling silver in the China cabinet. A picnic basket with plasticware for 4 and a party box with plasticware for birthday parties. Unless the Amazing Kreskin comes back from the dead and bends all our forks I think we have it covered. Same with salt and pepper, ketchup and packets of mustard. I've got a refrigerator and cabinet full of that stuff. I don't need to have a drawer full of salt packets I'm never going to touch unless a 500 pound slug makes a beeline for the house.

How many metal sporks do you have?

[Crapinon 2253]

7 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

How many metal sporks do you have?

LOL. No sporks. We do have some spoons that went around the garbage disposal a couple of times that have some pretty rough edges though

 

[WhatTheBuck 28775]

16 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

LOL. No sporks. We do have some spoons that went around the garbage disposal a couple of times that have some pretty rough edges though

 

No sporks?! How do you eat your frito pie?

[ROFL BOX 6647]

I'm thinking a 500 lb. slug would be fairly easy to both notice AND for you step out of it's path.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[deter 314]

But the 500 lb. slug might eat the frito pie (without a spork).

[NeverMarryAStripper 21875]

13 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

I'm thinking a 500 lb. slug would be fairly easy to both notice AND for you step out of it's path.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

I don't know about that.  I read a story once about a man trapped on an island with giant man eating snails.  He thought they would be easy to avoid too.

[Droopy 2626]

Watching the Olympics, specifically male gymnastics, pommel horse. 
 

the gymnast starts his routine. 
 

Wife: how can they tell when they mess up? How do they get points? 

Me: the judges look for inconsistencies and mistakes before awarding/removing points, I believe. I’ve never actually watched much of the sport to know. Maybe the commentators will explain it. 
 

wife continues to watch in silence for about 5 seconds. Commentators begin to answer all of her questions but she begins…

wife: I wish they would just tell us at some point how the scoring works and what each element means to the gymnast performing. It would make me want to watch this more. You know? They could just tell us. 
 

Me: while you were saying all that, they did explain it for the viewers at home. We missed it. 
 

wife: well can’t you run it back?

I run it back, just like the loyal dog I am. 
 

right as they start talking again

wife: I wonder who designs these outfits for them. 
 

me: 🤦‍♂️Droopy
 

 

[Celery Man 20933]

Has anyone successfully convinced their wives that they don’t need to super heat empty pots and pans? I’ve tried the “that smoke is poison and you’ve ruined the skillet”, I’ve tried explaining a little bit of thermodynamics, I’ve tried hovering nervously whenever she cooks, I’ve tried asking her to stop it, nothing yet. I’m going to see if I can get her to watch dark waters or whatever that Dupont movie was. This is of course not non stick but goddammit what a pain in the ass. “I’ll buy a new one” 😑 boiling baking soda and scrubbing the shit out of this right now

 

 

[Celery Man 20933]

This was going to receive a bunch of cooked fresh ramen, sauce, and (already cooked) asparagus. To heat and mix the sauce.

[tbone_ 14113]

Damn brah. And you are just getting started.

[CycleTex87 2967]

On 7/30/2021 at 7:15 PM, Thatguy said:

This is fucking Houston. A signal is just an alert for someone to speed up and block you.

This is funny because it's mostly true.  After living here for thirty years, I've gotten used to this fact of life, and adapted my driving style to allow for it.  I don't put my signal on until I'm in the act of changing lanes, which makes my wife crazy.  She wants me to put on the signal and then people will make room for me to move over.  I call it aggressively defensive driving.

[nnm 36353]

2 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

She wants me to put on the signal and then people will make room for me to move over. 

Yeah. Good luck with that. I drove in Houston rush our traffic for 20 years. 
Bold plan, Cotton. Let’s see how that works out for her. 

[CycleTex87 2967]

She never drives in rush hour traffic so has no idea. 

[Atxracer 797]

19 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Has anyone successfully convinced their wives that they don’t need to super heat empty pots and pans? I’ve tried the “that smoke is poison and you’ve ruined the skillet”, I’ve tried explaining a little bit of thermodynamics, I’ve tried hovering nervously whenever she cooks, I’ve tried asking her to stop it, nothing yet. I’m going to see if I can get her to watch dark waters or whatever that Dupont movie was. This is of course not non stick but goddammit what a pain in the ass. “I’ll buy a new one” 😑 boiling baking soda and scrubbing the shit out of this right now

Nice humblebrag that your wife actually cooks.  Mine "tried" when we were first married and was so terrible I took over. Fairly certain that was the plan. Your's may be doing the same. They have cat like manipulation skills. 

[General Specific 3253]

No sporks?! How do you eat your frito pie?

How can you have your pudding if you don’t eat your frito pie?

[luke duke 6412]

Watching the Olympics, specifically male gymnastics, pommel horse. 
 
the gymnast starts his routine. 
 
Wife: how can they tell when they mess up? How do they get points? 
Me: the judges look for inconsistencies and mistakes before awarding/removing points, I believe. I’ve never actually watched much of the sport to know. Maybe the commentators will explain it. 
 
wife continues to watch in silence for about 5 seconds. Commentators begin to answer all of her questions but she begins…
wife: I wish they would just tell us at some point how the scoring works and what each element means to the gymnast performing. It would make me want to watch this more. You know? They could just tell us. 
 
Me: while you were saying all that, they did explain it for the viewers at home. We missed it. 
 
wife: well can’t you run it back?
I run it back, just like the loyal dog I am. 
 
right as they start talking again
wife: I wonder who designs these outfits for them. 
 
me: Droopy
 
 

Your second mistake was trying to respond to her question. Your first mistake was marrying her.

[Clintonaldo 2573]

Our first child is about to be 7 months and wife is always thinking something is wrong. I get home today and she is convinced he is dying because he has swelling under his right eye. We take him to pediatrician and have to check in over the phone and I hear them ask which eye is it and she says if you are looking at him it’s his left eye.

 

Receptionist says so right eye. 

Wife says correct

 

I start laughing my ass off while facepalming. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

On 7/30/2021 at 10:04 PM, nnm said:

That was the case for a while with some pressurized assemblies. I don’t know if it’s true anymore. Wouldn’t be surprised. 

Happened to be talking to a dealer's body shop manager this week.  Windshields and headlights came up.   He said its comical what a busted headlight costs these days.

Canned / sealed OEM units - no bulb to change.  Pop-in headlight assembly for a new Cadillac CT-something or other costs $2500 per.

Astounding.  Said he gets a lot of pissed off customers - mostly husbands who come in dumbfounded they can't by a lens assembly and or bulb and do it themselves at home after their wife hits a garage column or wall in a parking lot.  Not uncommon for a windshield with the collision avoidance sensors to cost $1200-$1500. 

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Baseball Saturday evening.

Wife:  "Why didn't they give him the base for being hit?"

Me:  "Ummm... because he wasn't HBP?"

Her:  "Sure he was - I saw it." [pitch cruised waist high but between catcher & gut of batter, we're on 3rd base line side of plate, 11 rows up, good view of LH batters]

Me:  "The batter would have started a move towards 1st or even looked @ the home plate ump if he thought that was a clear HBP."

Her:  "No, clearly he was hit."

[nnm 36353]

4 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Baseball Saturday evening.

Wife:  "Why didn't they give him the base for being hit?"

Me:  "Ummm... because he wasn't HBP?"

Her:  "Sure he was - I saw it." [pitch cruised waist high but between catcher & gut of batter, we're on 3rd base line side of plate, 11 rows up, good view of LH batters]

Me:  "The batter would have started a move towards 1st or even looked @ the home plate ump if he thought that was a clear HBP."

Her:  "No, clearly he was hit."

Yes dear. I don’t know why. 

[Dennis Taylor 18809]

5 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Baseball Saturday evening.

Wife:  "Why didn't they give him the base for being hit?"

Me:  "Ummm... because he wasn't HBP?"

Her:  "Sure he was - I saw it." [pitch cruised waist high but between catcher & gut of batter, we're on 3rd base line side of plate, 11 rows up, good view of LH batters]

Me:  "The batter would have started a move towards 1st or even looked @ the home plate ump if he thought that was a clear HBP."

Her:  "No, clearly he was hit."

She should have asked to speak to the manager