Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[MNLonghornFUKM 8791]

Our first child is about to be 7 months and wife is always thinking something is wrong. I get home today and she is convinced he is dying because he has swelling under his right eye. We take him to pediatrician and have to check in over the phone and I hear them ask which eye is it and she says if you are looking at him it’s his left eye.
 
Receptionist says so right eye. 
Wife says correct
 
I start laughing my ass off while facepalming. 

It gets worse. On Thursday we brought our kids in for their MMR shots (daughters second, sons first). Daughter was fine after her first round…but damned if my wife didn’t go to webmd to get the info that reactions and sickness to the shots can occur 6-10 days after the injection. Now they’re on the clock and the kids have had no fever or anything remotely close to showing signs of sickness.

Long story short: any webmd search results in death. You’re lucky your kid has lasted this long

[Thatguy 8273]

  Wife throws a 40th Bday party for one of her friends for just the girls. There are 7 cackling hens downstairs in the family room. Daughter and I bunker down in our movie theater room and try to start watching something. Full surround sound. Speakers fore, aft, side, and ceiling. Still too loud to watch a movie. We hop into the car and run to the mall, my kid's favorite place. Do a couple laps, grab a couple things, and head out. Go over to my brother's. Hit the kids with some pillows. Talk a little shop. Go home and these motherfuckers are still here. Except now they've downed a 3 gallon container of Sangria that my wife made. We go back upstairs and barricade ourselves back in the theater room. A little while later it's quieted down, but they are still here. I get nominated to go get snacks. I go down there and they all look at me like this....................

 

 Apparently the conversation had turned to "shit your Husband does".

[ROFL BOX 6642]

It actually looked to me like it cruised by his junk, but since this is a family show I didn't wanna mention that part.

I *WAS* gonna say "If he got hit in the dick (H.I.D.), I guarantee you he would have taken more than a base & I am pretty certain there would have been a pinch runner."

[ROFL BOX 6642]

Additional to the game, there was a 1 man on dinger (I think Pozo hit that one)...  I was headed to the concourse when the lady went by with a ballcap to collect for his shot.

Came back, said "BTW, I dropped a fiver in the cap for that HR hit."  She says:

? Why ?
 

Me:  "Because he hit a dinger.  HR.  That's why.  It's tradition to collect some $$ for anyone that hits an HR.  These guys make shit money, even if it IS AAA & some of them got a nice signing bonus... they still make lame dollars, sometimes sleep 6 to an apartment, etc."

Her:  "Who gets that money?"

Me:  "The dude that hit the HR."

Her:  "Why?"

Me:  "Because [he - hit - a - home - run].  If he is lucky, that hitter might get a hundo in bonus dollars.  Especially if it's the only home team homer of the night."

(narrator: "& It was."

Her:  "I still don't understand why he gets that money."

Me:  "Well who else should it go to?  The pitcher that floated a target practice?"

Her:  [ t o n e ]

[ROFL BOX 6642]

5 hours ago, Thatguy said:

  Wife throws a 40th Bday party for one of her friends for just the girls. There are 7 cackling hens downstairs in the family room. Daughter and I bunker down in our movie theater room and try to start watching something. Full surround sound. Speakers fore, aft, side, and ceiling. Still too loud to watch a movie. We hop into the car and run to the mall, my kid's favorite place. Do a couple laps, grab a couple things, and head out. Go over to my brother's. Hit the kids with some pillows. Talk a little shop. Go home and these motherfuckers are still here. Except now they've downed a 3 gallon container of Sangria that my wife made. We go back upstairs and barricade ourselves back in the theater room. A little while later it's quieted down, but they are still here. I get nominated to go get snacks. I go down there and they all look at me like this....................

 

Well, did they find you guilty or not?

[ROFL BOX 6642]

5 hours ago, Thatguy said:

 

8, 9, 12, 2, 5, 3, 6, 11, ,4, 10, 7, 1

Edited August 8, 2021 by ROFL BOX

[nnm 35804]

1 hour ago, ROFL BOX said:

8, 9, 12, 2, 5, 3, 6, 11, ,4, 10, 7, 1

Your 5 should be an x. Yikes. 

[TKthunder2 4968]

1 hour ago, ROFL BOX said:

8, 9, 12, 2, 5, 3, 6, 11, ,4, 10, 7, 1

Horrible system for this picture…I’ll fix it (see below)

Edited August 8, 2021 by TKthunder2

[TKthunder2 4968]

7 hours ago, Thatguy said:

 

           12, 6, 4, 11,

   8,                       2,

        9,                         1,

7,                             10,

   5,                              3,

[ROFL BOX 6642]

46 minutes ago, nnm said:

Your 5 should be an x. Yikes. 

I got 12 & 5 backwards... it's a difficult seating chart.

[ROFL BOX 6642]

... @TKthunder2 figured it out (the chart, anyhow).  & Generically speaking, this list is "when the space ship crashes on a distant planet & this is all you have to work with" sorta stuff.

[Kennythetiger 9311]

1 hour ago, TKthunder2 said:

           12, 6, 4, 11,

   8,                       2,

        9,                         1,

7,                             10,

   5,                              3,

You accidentally typed 7 instead of 1 but I + repped you for the precise chart. 

[Thatguy 8273]

15 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Well, did they find you guilty or not?

  I can only deduce by the multiple "He ain't shit" looks that the answer was yes.

[TrashMaster G 17322]

On 8/8/2021 at 4:03 AM, ROFL BOX said:

Baseball Saturday evening.

Wife:  "Why didn't they give him the base for being hit?"

Me:  "Ummm... because he wasn't HBP?"

Her:  "Sure he was - I saw it." [pitch cruised waist high but between catcher & gut of batter, we're on 3rd base line side of plate, 11 rows up, good view of LH batters]

Me:  "The batter would have started a move towards 1st or even looked @ the home plate ump if he thought that was a clear HBP."

Her:  "No, clearly he was hit."

"He probably didn't notice he got hit."

 

 

23 hours ago, Thatguy said:

  Wife throws a 40th Bday party for one of her friends for just the girls. There are 7 cackling hens downstairs in the family room. Daughter and I bunker down in our movie theater room and try to start watching something. Full surround sound. Speakers fore, aft, side, and ceiling. Still too loud to watch a movie. We hop into the car and run to the mall, my kid's favorite place. Do a couple laps, grab a couple things, and head out. Go over to my brother's. Hit the kids with some pillows. Talk a little shop. Go home and these motherfuckers are still here. Except now they've downed a 3 gallon container of Sangria that my wife made. We go back upstairs and barricade ourselves back in the theater room. A little while later it's quieted down, but they are still here. I get nominated to go get snacks. I go down there and they all look at me like this....................

 

 Apparently the conversation had turned to "shit your Husband does".

       12, 4, 8, 9

 7                         5

    10                        1

3                          11

  6                           2

[SilasCoade 2620]

You guys sure are high on the lesbian chic.

[Thatguy 8273]

6 minutes ago, Llogg said:

You guys sure are high on the lesbian chic.

ever had lesbian pussy? It's really good.

[TKthunder2 4968]

40 minutes ago, Llogg said:

You guys sure are high on the lesbian chic.

I assume your talking about flannel/braids girl, yeah I don’t get it either.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21768]

Imagine being accused of some kind of sex crime and walking into court and seeing that as your jury

[ROFL BOX 6642]

I wanna know how Ivana Trump got on that panel.

[AUS-97HORN 11575]

30 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Imagine being accused of some kind of sex crime and walking into court and seeing that as your jury

if they are as judgy as they look in that photo, they may hate whatever she wears to court so much they wouldnt convict....      they are a strange species.

[TrashMaster G 17322]

37 minutes ago, TKthunder2 said:

I assume your talking about flannel/braids girl, yeah I don’t get it either.

*you're

 

31 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Imagine being accused of some kind of sex crime and walking into court and seeing that as your jury

I would start talking plea bargain, immediately.

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

 

47 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Imagine being accused of some kind of sex crime and walking into court and seeing that as your jury

[eljinca 279]

On 8/8/2021 at 10:37 AM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

It gets worse. On Thursday we brought our kids in for their MMR shots (daughters second, sons first). Daughter was fine after her first round…but damned if my wife didn’t go to webmd to get the info that reactions and sickness to the shots can occur 6-10 days after the injection. Now they’re on the clock and the kids have had no fever or anything remotely close to showing signs of sickness.

Long story short: any webmd search results in death. You’re lucky your kid has lasted this long

There's no getting around this issue. My wife is a pediatric sub-specialist. I have to constantly assure her that our toddler does not have exceedingly rare disorders that I have never heard of that she only learned about in medical school.

Wife: "Tell me [kid] doesn't have agranulocytosis."

Me: "I have no idea what that is. Is it common?"

Wife: "No, very, very rare blood disorder."

Me: "[Kid] does not have it."

Wife: "Thank you."

This happens twice a month.

[General Specific 3169]

There's no getting around this issue. My wife is a pediatric sub-specialist. I have to constantly assure her that our toddler does not have exceedingly rare disorders that I have never heard of that she only learned about in medical school.
Wife: "Tell me [kid] doesn't have agranulocytosis."
Me: "I have no idea what that is. Is it common?"
Wife: "No, very, very rare blood disorder."
Me: "[Kid] does not have it."
Wife: "Thank you."
This happens twice a month.

I’m calling bullshit here. She took your word for it? Without a second opinion? She sounds like a dude! /s

[TrashMaster G 17322]

22 minutes ago, General Specific said:

I’m calling bullshit here. She took your word for it? Without a second opinion confirmation from a gaggle of female friends? She sounds like a dude! /s

fify

[WhatTheBuck 28686]

20 hours ago, Llogg said:

You guys sure are high on the lesbian chic.

Lesbian chic is a flannel shirt. You mean chick. 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2720]

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married….nearly 12 years ago.

I told her that is the single dumbest thing to talk about.

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

38 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married

[gernblansten 3172]

49 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married….nearly 12 years ago.

I told her that is the single dumbest thing to talk about.

She wanted to hear you talk about other women because she wants to bring another woman into your bedroom.  

[nnm 35804]

1 hour ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married….nearly 12 years ago.

I told her that is the single dumbest thing to talk about.

[mininghorn88 2246]

52 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married….nearly 12 years ago.

I told her that is the single dumbest thing to talk about.

Why on God's green earth would she want to know that?!!  It is a set up.  Be wary.  Stay strong against revealing such info.  Try not to talk in your sleep now that this is in your subconsciousness.

[huge 3785]

On 7/31/2021 at 12:28 AM, Superhero said:

Mrs. Superhero works in pharmaceuticals and makes good money. Last year she bought herself a Tesla, and paid for new windows for the house.

But she won't let me throw away a used napkin or paper plate because "it's still clean, we can use it again."

This sounds so familiar I feel like I'm in the matrix

[NeverMarryAStripper 21768]

2 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married….nearly 12 years ago.

I told her that is the single dumbest thing to talk about.

She’s setting you up to tell you about her affair 

[AUS-97HORN 11575]

3 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married….nearly 12 years ago.

I told her that is the single dumbest thing to talk about.

 

51 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

She’s setting you up to tell you about her affair 

 

 

[Wiler77 1547]

4 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married….nearly 12 years ago.

I told her that is the single dumbest thing to talk about.

Legit LOL from me.  My now-wife tried to have that conversation with me fairly soon into dating.  My reply was, "Do you really want to know?  I mean REALLY?  Because then I'm going to ask you, and I'm going to ask which ones I've met, and then you'll want to know the same thing, and then it will just get awkward.  How about we just admit we're both not virgins, both have made some questionable decisions in that department, and we really enjoy sex together."

To my surprise her answer was, "Yea, that's a better plan."  Happy married for 16 years now.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2720]

Legit LOL from me.  My now-wife tried to have that conversation with me fairly soon into dating.  My reply was, "Do you really want to know?  I mean REALLY?  Because then I'm going to ask you, and I'm going to ask which ones I've met, and then you'll want to know the same thing, and then it will just get awkward.  How about we just admit we're both not virgins, both have made some questionable decisions in that department, and we really enjoy sex together."
To my surprise her answer was, "Yea, that's a better plan."  Happy married for 16 years now.

After multiple old fashioneds I responded with “Look dear. The 50+ chicks I banged prior to meeting and marrying you don’t count.”

[Wiler77 1547]

On 7/31/2021 at 12:28 AM, Superhero said:

Mrs. Superhero works in pharmaceuticals and makes good money. Last year she bought herself a Tesla, and paid for new windows for the house.

But she won't let me throw away a used napkin or paper plate because "it's still clean, we can use it again."

Similar.  My wife congratulates herself for driving 5 miles out of the way to save 3 cents per gallon on gas, but has no problem spending $400 every month from fucking Athleta.

Or going to Crate and Barrel, which is about a 30-40 minute drive from our house, and buying shit we don't need, with the intention of taking 3/4 of it back after getting my opinion, and then complaining that she has no time to do anything?

[Wiler77 1547]

On 8/9/2021 at 12:11 PM, eljinca said:

There's no getting around this issue. My wife is a pediatric sub-specialist. I have to constantly assure her that our toddler does not have exceedingly rare disorders that I have never heard of that she only learned about in medical school.

Wife: "Tell me [kid] doesn't have agranulocytosis."

Me: "I have no idea what that is. Is it common?"

Wife: "No, very, very rare blood disorder."

Me: "[Kid] does not have it."

Wife: "Thank you."

This happens twice a month.

My wife is a Derm PA, which means she knows enough to be dangerous in other specialties that she learned stuff in school, and she spent a couple of years in Family Practice.  She starts pulling out all sorts of crazy rare diseases and cancers when the kids act even the slightest bit off.

[Wiler77 1547]

8 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

After multiple old fashioneds I responded with “Look dear. The 50+ chicks I banged prior to meeting and marrying you don’t count.”

"And neither do the 3 after our wedding"

[HornsOverIthaca 2333]

13 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Lesbian chic is a flannel shirt. You mean chick. 

Lesbian Shiekh.  Hah

[conVINCEd 21468]

24 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

After multiple old fashioneds I responded with “Look dear. The 50+ chicks I banged prior to meeting and marrying you don’t count.”

You break out the scientific calculator in this situation.

[Nolacycling 893]

Bet you didn't ask her the same question.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2720]

Bet you didn't ask her the same question.

Don’t need to. She’s volunteered it for years.

[Wade 463]

Preface this with caveat that we abhor wasting food in this household and are pretty damn good about not doing it....But, every three months or so my wife will see a pork butt at the store and think, 'oh man, some crockpot pulled pork would be great, the kids will love it'!  She brings it home proudly and cooks it.  I generally don't like pulled pork but will take one for the team and eat a bowl with some rice.  The kids turn their noses up at it, and the 4 pounds of leftovers get shoved into the fridge where they eventually find their way to the far back of the fridge, never to be seen from again until I finally decide to throw it out.  I remind wife that no one but her likes her pulled pork.

Three months later...

[conVINCEd 21468]

50 minutes ago, Wade said:

Preface this with caveat that we abhor wasting food in this household and are pretty damn good about not doing it....But, every three months or so my wife will see a pork butt at the store and think, 'oh man, some crockpot pulled pork would be great, the kids will love it'!  She brings it home proudly and cooks it.  I generally don't like pulled pork but will take one for the team and eat a bowl with some rice.  The kids turn their noses up at it, and the 4 pounds of leftovers get shoved into the fridge where they eventually find their way to the far back of the fridge, never to be seen from again until I finally decide to throw it out.  I remind wife that no one but her likes her pulled pork.

Three months later...

We conduct a lot of science experiments in my household.  

Her:  save that small piece of chicken and the rice.

me: why?  Nobody’s gonna eat that shit.

her:  I will absolutely eat it.

her a month later:  how the fuck did the fridge get so full.  We need to clean it out.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18489]

14 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married….nearly 12 years ago.

I told her that is the single dumbest thing to talk about.

I told my wife I was a virgin when we met. 

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

10 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Don’t need to. She’s volunteered it for years.

Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot! 

[Thatguy 8273]

11 hours ago, Nolacycling said:

Bet you didn't ask her the same question.

 

  Man, I might be a little different than you in that I did not care. Elite dick suckers don't get there without practice.

[NorthLoop 14027]

8 hours ago, Wade said:

Preface this with caveat that we abhor wasting food in this household and are pretty damn good about not doing it....But, every three months or so my wife will see a pork butt at the store and think, 'oh man, some crockpot pulled pork would be great, the kids will love it'!  She brings it home proudly and cooks it.  I generally don't like pulled pork but will take one for the team and eat a bowl with some rice.  The kids turn their noses up at it, and the 4 pounds of leftovers get shoved into the fridge where they eventually find their way to the far back of the fridge, never to be seen from again until I finally decide to throw it out.  I remind wife that no one but her likes her pulled pork.

Three months later...

Mine likes to get a pound of chicken and a bunch of Romaine. "Gonna make Caesar Salad!" 

3 days later I'm tossing the chicken in the freezer before it goes bad. 3 days after that our trash is filled with lettuce. Rinse. Repeat. 

[Flg8rfan 201]

I’m the one that usually cooks. When I go to the grocery store, I typically know what we have and buy whatever is needed to make complete meals for the week (I rarely buy junk food). My wife will just walk through the store and buy whatever looks good to her at the time so it’s a lot of random stuff and junk food. She can bring a carload of groceries home and it’s a challenge to figure out what kind of meals she wants me to make.

A few weeks ago she decided to go on a diet plan. Like any husband that wants to stay in a calm marriage, I told her I supported her 100%. It’s basically high protein, low carbs and 6 meals a day (and it’s MLM). Someone she actually knows lost 100 lbs and with the way it’s set up, she’ll probably do well (it’s very detailed on what she can eat and she’s really sticking to it).

So the day before she started, she spent 3 hours at the store getting all the food she can eat on this plan. She bought probably a months worth of perishables (half of which have already gone to the chickens) and my favorite part is she bought frozen cauliflower rice with veggies. Checked her plan, can’t have corn, so she picked it all out before she cooked it. After she cooked it, she realized it was a cauliflower and rice side dish instead of cauliflowered rice….. chickens got fed again.

She boasted yesterday about how much money net she has saved by not ordering lunch at work. It doesn’t come close to how much she has spent on the plan.