Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Kennythetiger 9,642]

There are no pictures of either Mira or The Wife. This story sucks. 

[NorthLoop 14,500]

Yep... in that case you're lucky you have a waitress that knows you. Most times we go somewhere, the waiter comes back twice and she's not ready yet. When he takes awhile to come back the 3rd time she's all "Where is he? This is taking forever!" .. and I'm thinking we'd have our food soon if you ordered the first time. 

[NWBuck 8,630]

21 hours ago, Nivek said:

Not that one, but I did get chastised for suddenly breaking as cars before me all stopped suddenly.  I was told I hit the brakes too quickly. 

[ROFL BOX 6,655]

On 8/23/2021 at 9:30 PM, gmr548 said:

But have you ever been accosted for “changing speed too rapidly” on cruise control?

Why yes, I have.  Mostly due to an incline (uphill grade) & the automatic transmission does what it's supposed to do.

[ROFL BOX 6,655]

19 hours ago, Thatguy said:

     Wife comes home and walks into the laundry room....

Wife- Ugh, you used Tide?

Me- Yeah(shrugs shoulders)

Wife- Tide is gross and disgusting.

Narrator:  "& So she then re-washed the laundry, where it sat for 3 days & was not folded nor put away."

[ROFL BOX 6,655]

19 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

So I go on this date with a woman during the times of Covid.

Even though there's like 1/3 of the restaurants actually open, she somehow finds a way to agree on a place to go & it doesn't take more than 5 minutes for her to finally decide where.
 

19 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

re-Edited for instructional purposes.

 

 

[Modessit 5,667]

When we go out to eat, my wife always asks what I'm going to get before deciding. Then she orders something else even if she wanted the same thing. She thinks that she can just "have a bite" of mine so she can enjoy both, but I stopped letting that happen while we were dating. Now when she asks what I'm having I just say "Food" and make her order first.

Plus she never eats everything. Most times half of it comes home so she can "take it for lunch tomorrow" but it sits in the fridge for a week until it gets too old and is thrown away. I can't eat it because she's "going to eat that". Even if the meal is small and she could finish it, she always leaves a bite or two on the plate because she thinks she's being a pig if she finishes it all.

[ROFL BOX 6,655]

My wife is nuts about her food, 95% of the time won't share any bites & gets crazy if you swap out the fork, knife, etc. (even if it hasn't ever been used / touched).  It's like if the fork is now in your napkin wrap, the universe has now assigned it to YOU & ONLY YOU.  " " "NOBODY shall touch MY cutlery set!" " " "  Don't even get me started on what happens if she actually shares a bite & you swap the fork out (which I have done on multiple times, put them under the table & [maybe or maybe not] swapped them.

*extra " " added for emphasis.

[Celery Man 21,099]

My wife saves a "perfect bite" for her last one. Our first valentine, before I knew anything about this at all, we had dinner at.... Olivia in Austin and she asked me to try her dessert, and then said "WTF that was my perfect bite!" when I took her up on it. She still brings that up.

My wife is a pretty smart, but there a few patterns in how i talk to her that definitely originated in me being a dick and persisted from her never seeming to understand that i was doing that (and because they typically are eventually successful at providing the information I need). One of them is "Describe x." and then acting like an idiot. The other is "Are you just saying that or is there a reason you believe it is true?"

Her: "It's going to get cold next week"
Me: "Are you just saying that or is there a reason you believe it is true."
Her: "nah I just think it is"

If I'm going to the store, she might hand me a list full of items like "cheese":

Me: "Describe the cheese"
Her: "Cheese for grilled cheese sandwiches"
Me: "Horseradish cheddar, got it."
Her: "Gross, no just regular cheddar"
Me: "Ok, medium cheddar"
Her: "Sharp"
Me: "One block of sharp cheddar"
Her: "sliced"
Me: "One package of sharp cheddar, sliced"
Her: "yep"
Me: "Describe the ice cream"
Her: "Tillamook"
Me: "mmm rocky road"
etc

[SHOOTER12 8,887]

On 8/24/2021 at 3:50 PM, Thatguy said:

 

Wife does this. She offers up an item which is enthusiastically approved by daughter, Then for no apparent reason she offers up another item after the first item was agreed upon. Then an even more baffling move is when the second item is vetoed, she asked if she is sure that she doesn't want that. Our kid is a teenager now and has picked up on it. The other day she said mom, please stop. We already said the first thing was good. You do this all the time. Wife looked at me with that "see what your child just did" look, so I had to pretend to scold her for bumping chests with her mom.

Dude, she's helping the child learn critical thinking and decision skills.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,779]

My wife is nuts about her food, 95% of the time won't share any bites & gets crazy if you swap out the fork, knife, etc. (even if it hasn't ever been used / touched).  It's like if the fork is now in your napkin wrap, the universe has now assigned it to YOU & ONLY YOU.  " " "NOBODY shall touch MY cutlery set!" " " "  Don't even get me started on what happens if she actually shares a bite & you swap the fork out (which I have done on multiple times, put them under the table & [maybe or maybe not] swapped them.

*extra " " added for emphasis.

Very similar to mine. You are not allowed to taste any dishes being prepared with the utensil she is using which is usually the wrong utensil. She thinks it is gross and will put it in the dishwasher and get another out.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22,311]

So she’ll let you stick your tongue in her mouth, but not a fork you touched?

[Kennythetiger 9,642]

12 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Very similar to mine. You are not allowed to taste any dishes being prepared with the utensil she is using which is usually the wrong utensil. She thinks it is gross and will put it in the dishwasher and get another out.

Good for her. I don’t want your fucking slobber in my chili, either. 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,779]

Good for her. I don’t want your fucking slobber in my chili, either. 

I’m not a camel

[conVINCEd 21,477]

5 hours ago, Celery Man said:

My wife saves a "perfect bite" for her last one. Our first valentine, before I knew anything about this at all, we had dinner at.... Olivia in Austin and she asked me to try her dessert, and then said "WTF that was my perfect bite!" when I took her up on it. She still brings that up.

My wife is a pretty smart, but there a few patterns in how i talk to her that definitely originated in me being a dick and persisted from her never seeming to understand that i was doing that (and because they typically are eventually successful at providing the information I need). One of them is "Describe x." and then acting like an idiot. The other is "Are you just saying that or is there a reason you believe it is true?"

Her: "It's going to get cold next week"
Me: "Are you just saying that or is there a reason you believe it is true."
Her: "nah I just think it is"

If I'm going to the store, she might hand me a list full of items like "cheese":

Me: "Describe the cheese"
Her: "Cheese for grilled cheese sandwiches"
Me: "Horseradish cheddar, got it."
Her: "Gross, no just regular cheddar"
Me: "Ok, medium cheddar"
Her: "Sharp"
Me: "One block of sharp cheddar"
Her: "sliced"
Me: "One package of sharp cheddar, sliced"
Her: "yep"
Me: "Describe the ice cream"
Her: "Tillamook"
Me: "mmm rocky road"
etc

Mine does the perfect bite thing as well.  

[Doze 1,324]

"I know he's a US citizen because I saw his green card"

Ummmmmmm.

[ROFL BOX 6,655]

5 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

So she’ll let you stick your tongue in her mouth, but not a fork you touched?

Tell me you're not married any more without actually saying so.

[ROFL BOX 6,655]

9 hours ago, Celery Man said:

...there a few patterns in how i talk to her that definitely originated in me being a dick and persisted from her never seeming to understand that i was doing that (and because they typically are eventually successful at providing the information I need). One of them is "Describe x." and then acting like an idiot. The other is "Are you just saying that or is there a reason you believe it is true?"

Her: "It's going to get cold next week"
Me: "Are you just saying that or is there a reason you believe it is true."
Her: "nah I just think it is"

If I'm going to the store, she might text me a list of items like "cheese":

Me: "What kind of cheese"
Her: "You know, for grilled cheese sandwiches."
Me: "Horseradish cheddar, got it."
Her: "Gross, no just regular cheddar"
Me: "Ok, medium cheddar"
Her: "Sharp"
Me: "One block of sharp cheddar"
Her: "sliced"
Me: "One package of sharp cheddar, sliced"
Her: "yep"
Me: "Describe the ice cream"
Her: "Tillamook"
Me: "mmm rocky road"
etc

You / me:  Similar style.  I'm gonna pry that shit out of you one way or the other & it's not to make you look like a dumbass, it's to make you get specific for the next go 'round.  Fight the small skirmishes early & there won't be any battles later.

[Modessit 5,667]

In the "Wives can't do math" category:

A while back I almost convinced my wife to agree to a deal where I'd go down on her every day from my birthday to her birthday if she'd go down on me every day from her birthday to my birthday. My birthday is in January and her birthday is in February.

It probably would have worked and she was starting to agree when she decided to go look at the calendar and figured out she get 42 days and I'd get 323 days. Her initial thought was, "Six weeks for me and six weeks for him."

[Jerry Callo 8,965]

6 hours ago, Modessit said:

It probably would have worked and she was starting to agree

You know it was never actually going to work, right?

[bluto 4,999]

She posted on her chick board about her gullible husband giving her 6 weeks of oral up front and his dumbass believing she’d reciprocate.

[WhatTheBuck 28,934]

22 hours ago, Modessit said:

When we go out to eat, my wife always asks what I'm going to get before deciding. Then she orders something else even if she wanted the same thing. She thinks that she can just "have a bite" of mine so she can enjoy both, but I stopped letting that happen while we were dating. Now when she asks what I'm having I just say "Food" and make her order first.

Joey doesn’t share food!

[WhatTheBuck 28,934]

17 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Very similar to mine. You are not allowed to taste any dishes being prepared with the utensil she is using which is usually the wrong utensil. She thinks it is gross and will put it in the dishwasher and get another out.

I think in most family settings it’s common to taste whatever you’re cooking from the utensil with which you’re using to cook it. And maybe more chefs do that in the kitchen than we’re aware of. But Kevin Belton has a pretty good trick that he uses on his cooking show. He has a tasting spoon in his apron and he’ll dribble a sample from his stirring spoon into his tasting spoon before he tries it. I thought that made good sense. He just wipes it clean after each taste and puts it back in his apron. No harm, no foul. 

[956 Worldwide 35,598]

We were in a charming Central European town today with my two kids, wife, and mother doing an afternoon guided bus tour of some of the sights. I ordinarily hate that stuff, but this was a mom special request so I bit the bullet. Kind of herding cats as my mom wanted to be close to the guide all the time, wife wanted to stop and look at shops, and kids tended to lollygag. Anyway, at one point we kinda got spaced out— mom at the front of a line near the guide, oldest daughter just ahead of me, I’m in the middle and the little one lagging…and she then got a rock in her shoe. I look back to see the wife helping her with the shoe, I wave and catch up with oldest kid so she’s not alone, then we walk to the church tour stop where grandma is waiting.

After 15 minutes all the senior citizen tourists have arrived and still no wife/kid. I leave one kid with grandma, tell her that at worst I’ll meet them at the bus at the assigned time, and go on a scouting trip. Wife and daughter nowhere to be found along the path back to the bus.  After over half an hour of looking, I find them, somewhat forlorn, making their way up from the OPPOSITE side of the village. 
 

Her: Thank God I found you. I thought we might miss the bus. 

Me: Where did y’all go? 

Her: Well, I saw the group turn left, but we turned right and then I couldn’t find you.

Me: Wait, you SAW us all go one way then went another way?!? Really?

Her: Well, I thought we were going to the lake. And it looked like the lake was that way. The guide said we were going to (name of lake). But then (six year old daughter) told me “shouldn’t we go to the church”, so I turned back around. 

Me: The entire village has the same name! Not just the lake. And that still doesn’t explain why you KNOWINGLY went the opposite direction than our group.

Her: I need to go to the bathroom. 

 

 

Edited August 26, 2021 by 956 Worldwide

[TrashMaster G 18,118]

28 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

We were in a charming Central European town today with my two kids, wife, and mother doing an afternoon guided bus tour of some of the sights. I ordinarily hate that stuff, but this was a mom special request so I bit the bullet. Kind of herding cats as my mom wanted to be close to the guide all the time, wife wanted to stop and look at shops, and kids tended to lollygag. Anyway, at one point we kinda got spaced out— mom at the front of a line near the guide, oldest daughter just ahead of me, I’m in the middle and the little one lagging…and she then got a rock in her shoe. I look back to see the wife helping her with the shoe, I wave and catch up with oldest kid so she’s not alone, then we walk to the church tour stop where grandma is waiting.

After 15 minutes all the senior citizen tourists have arrived and still no wife/kid. I leave one kid with grandma, tell her that at worst I’ll meet them at the bus at the assigned time, and go on a scouting trip. Wife and daughter nowhere to be found along the path back to the bus.  After over half an hour of looking, I find them, somewhat forlorn, making their way up from the OPPOSITE side of the village. 
 

Her: Thank God I found you. I thought we might miss the bus. 

Me: Where did y’all go? 

Her: Well, I saw the group turn left, but we turned right and then I couldn’t find you.

Me: Wait, you SAW us all go one way then went another way?!? Really?

Her: Well, I thought we were going to the lake. And it looked like the lake was that way. The guide said we were going to (name of lake). But then (six year old daughter) told me “shouldn’t we go to the church”, so I turned back around. 

Me: The entire village has the same name! Not just the lake. And that still doesn’t explain why you KNOWINGLY went the opposite direction than our group.

Her: I need to go to the bathroom. 

Good news is you'll never need to pay for a divorce.  Just take a long walk in the woods and you can lose her, no problem.

[Dennis Taylor 19,369]

37 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

We were in a charming Central European town today with my two kids, wife, and mother doing an afternoon guided bus tour of some of the sights. I ordinarily hate that stuff, but this was a mom special request so I bit the bullet. Kind of herding cats as my mom wanted to be close to the guide all the time, wife wanted to stop and look at shops, and kids tended to lollygag. Anyway, at one point we kinda got spaced out— mom at the front of a line near the guide, oldest daughter just ahead of me, I’m in the middle and the little one lagging…and she then got a rock in her shoe. I look back to see the wife helping her with the shoe, I wave and catch up with oldest kid so she’s not alone, then we walk to the church tour stop where grandma is waiting.

After 15 minutes all the senior citizen tourists have arrived and still no wife/kid. I leave one kid with grandma, tell her that at worst I’ll meet them at the bus at the assigned time, and go on a scouting trip. Wife and daughter nowhere to be found along the path back to the bus.  After over half an hour of looking, I find them, somewhat forlorn, making their way up from the OPPOSITE side of the village. 
 

Her: Thank God I found you. I thought we might miss the bus. 

Me: Where did y’all go? 

Her: Well, I saw the group turn left, but we turned right and then I couldn’t find you.

Me: Wait, you SAW us all go one way then went another way?!? Really?

Her: Well, I thought we were going to the lake. And it looked like the lake was that way. The guide said we were going to (name of lake). But then (six year old daughter) told me “shouldn’t we go to the church”, so I turned back around. 

Me: The entire village has the same name! Not just the lake. And that still doesn’t explain why you KNOWINGLY went the opposite direction than our group.

Her: I need to go to the bathroom. 

 

 

 

Edited August 26, 2021 by Dennis Taylor

[nnm 37,952]

21 hours ago, Modessit said:

In the "Wives can't do math" category:

A while back I almost convinced my wife to agree to a deal where I'd go down on her every day from my birthday to her birthday if she'd go down on me every day from her birthday to my birthday. My birthday is in January and her birthday is in February.

It probably would have worked and she was starting to agree when she decided to go look at the calendar and figured out she get 42 days and I'd get 323 days. Her initial thought was, "Six weeks for me and six weeks for him."

It sounds fun in theory. But there was likely to be a cycle in your 6 weeks. And she was never going to hold up her end of the bargain. 

[Thatguy 9,398]

14 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

We were in a charming Central European town today with my two kids, wife, and mother doing an afternoon guided bus tour of some of the sights. I ordinarily hate that stuff, but this was a mom special request so I bit the bullet. Kind of herding cats as my mom wanted to be close to the guide all the time, wife wanted to stop and look at shops, and kids tended to lollygag. Anyway, at one point we kinda got spaced out— mom at the front of a line near the guide, oldest daughter just ahead of me, I’m in the middle and the little one lagging…and she then got a rock in her shoe. I look back to see the wife helping her with the shoe, I wave and catch up with oldest kid so she’s not alone, then we walk to the church tour stop where grandma is waiting.

After 15 minutes all the senior citizen tourists have arrived and still no wife/kid. I leave one kid with grandma, tell her that at worst I’ll meet them at the bus at the assigned time, and go on a scouting trip. Wife and daughter nowhere to be found along the path back to the bus.  After over half an hour of looking, I find them, somewhat forlorn, making their way up from the OPPOSITE side of the village. 
 

Her: Thank God I found you. I thought we might miss the bus. 

Me: Where did y’all go? 

Her: Well, I saw the group turn left, but we turned right and then I couldn’t find you.

Me: Wait, you SAW us all go one way then went another way?!? Really?

Her: Well, I thought we were going to the lake. And it looked like the lake was that way. The guide said we were going to (name of lake). But then (six year old daughter) told me “shouldn’t we go to the church”, so I turned back around. 

Me: The entire village has the same name! Not just the lake. And that still doesn’t explain why you KNOWINGLY went the opposite direction than our group.

Her: I need to go to the bathroom. 

 

 

Edited August 27, 2021 by Thatguy

[Droopy 2,639]

On 8/25/2021 at 8:20 AM, Kennythetiger said:

There are no pictures of either Mira or The Wife. This story sucks. 

Mira is a 40 something Albanian waitress and while she is very nice, pics are not going to… help. 
 

The wife, well, you get the idea. 

[Dennis Taylor 19,369]

2 hours ago, Droopy said:

Mira is a 40 something Albanian waitress and while she is very nice, pics are not going to… help. 
 

The wife, well, you get the idea. 

Albania, Albania...you border on the Adriatic 

[Wade 464]

Kid takes the trash can to the curb last night for Friday morning pickup.  I notice the lid on the can outside is not closing (i.e. it's completely full).  I ask my wife because we normally don't fill up that can like that.  She says she threw away two large fans in there.

Fast forward to this morning and the lid on the can is snug as a rug.  I decide I better check out this development, and she had jammed the two large circular fans in the can to make them fit.  They were wedged against the inside of the can and no gravity was going to make them move, lol.   Fortunately I got there before the truck did or we'd really have a full can next week.

[WhatTheBuck 28,934]

8 hours ago, Droopy said:

Mira is a 40 something Albanian waitress and while she is very nice, pics are not going to… help.

The wife, well, you get the idea. 

So you’re saying Mira is hotter?

[Sandman 3,435]

I misplaced my phone last night, couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my wife to call it so I could track it down. She calls but nothing. We walked around the house, her calling and me listening intently but still nothing. She eventually sees it and I'm really irritated that it didn't ring. I checked and it wasn't on silent so I'm just cursing apple at this point. 

She looks down at her phone and says, "Umm, it's not your phone's fault. I was dialing your work number this whole time. Sorry.". 

[Dennis Taylor 19,369]

4 hours ago, Sandman said:

I misplaced my phone last night, couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my wife to call it so I could track it down. She calls but nothing. We walked around the house, her calling and me listening intently but still nothing. She eventually sees it and I'm really irritated that it didn't ring. I checked and it wasn't on silent so I'm just cursing apple at this point. 

She looks down at her phone and says, "Umm, it's not your phone's fault. I was dialing your work number this whole time. Sorry.". 

She sounds really hot. Congrats 

[NeverMarryAStripper 22,311]

Yes, but does she suck dick like a champion?

[tbone_ 14,455]

She’s not bad.

[SuperSport 1,372]

5 hours ago, Sandman said:

I misplaced my phone last night, couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my wife to call it so I could track it down. She calls but nothing. We walked around the house, her calling and me listening intently but still nothing. She eventually sees it and I'm really irritated that it didn't ring. I checked and it wasn't on silent so I'm just cursing apple at this point. 

She looks down at her phone and says, "Umm, it's not your phone's fault. I was dialing your work number this whole time. Sorry.". 

She admitted she messed up?

[Wiler77 1,629]

On 8/26/2021 at 3:21 PM, TrashMaster G said:

Good news is you'll never need to pay for a divorce.  Just take a long walk in the woods and you can lose her, no problem.

Just don't bring the 6 year old.

[mulletpelini 5,225]

On 8/25/2021 at 6:28 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

So she’ll let you stick your tongue in her mouth, but not a fork you touched?

Tongues are gross, but a dick that shoots out shit is just fine.

On 8/27/2021 at 5:19 AM, Thatguy said:

what's Anderson Cooper got to do with this? 

[NeverMarryAStripper 22,311]

4 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

Tongues are gross, but a dick that shoots out shit is just fine.

Your dick must be connected to a different tube than mine

Edited September 1, 2021 by NeverMarryAStripper

[mulletpelini 5,225]

I'm really old.

[Sam Lin 3,602]

10 hours ago, Sandman said:

I misplaced my phone last night, couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my wife to call it so I could track it down. She calls but nothing. We walked around the house, her calling and me listening intently but still nothing. She eventually sees it and I'm really irritated that it didn't ring. I checked and it wasn't on silent so I'm just cursing apple at this point. 

She looks down at her phone and says, "Umm, it's not your phone's fault. I was dialing your work number this whole time. Sorry.". 

For next time:

https://support.apple.com/guide/icloud/locate-a-device-mmfc0f2442/icloud

Will loudly ping a phone even if it's on silent, and also give you a map location that can be surprisingly precise.

[ROFL BOX 6,655]

8 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Yes, but does she suck dick like a champion?

You apparently missed the word "wife".

[luke duke 6,450]

She’s not bad.

Agreed!

[ROFL BOX 6,655]

Leaving a doc appt. with Mrs. Rox, we see a sign in the entry for "Please Welcome Dr. Nate Boyer to our practice."

I comment "That guy appears to be 40... cannot be the former UT Long Snapper, is it??"

Then I find info & send to her via SMS.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[Sandman 3,435]

19 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Yes, but does she suck dick like a champion?

I mean...maybe NAIA? Certainly not D-1. She tries, though. That's what matters. *clapclapclap*

[Trey3216 15,452]

21 hours ago, SuperSport said:

She admitted she messed up?

I bet he heard "I was dialing your work number" but she actually said "My phone was dialing your work number"   

[High Plains Drifter 11,192]

On 7/28/2021 at 7:50 AM, Cheeseweasel said:

As good as these guys?

 

 

 

I saw them at Liberty Lunch many years ago. One of the best shows I've ever seen. Left me Dazed and Confused, and All Shook Up.

[High Plains Drifter 11,192]

 

Anyway,

Because of a long series of events I won't bore you with, I had to switch cars with the wife today. So I drive over to her office, leave mine, and get in hers. I start it up and the gas light comes on. The range readout says 1 mile. 1 fucking mile.

 

 

[Grade of D as in David 13,255]

11 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Anyway,

Because of a long series of events I won't bore you with, I had to switch cars with the wife today. So I drive over to her office, leave mine, and get in hers. I start it up and the gas light comes on. The range readout says 1 mile. 1 fucking mile.

 

 

Should have switched back and told her you couldn't make it in time to switch cars.